What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

@UpintNorth

Teeheehee1579 The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

This - I have been in this situation as the high earner and although wasn’t sacked, collapsed at work from stress and ended up in A&E. Health and family comes first. X

If he collapsed from stress the responses would be different. Blokes been lying to his wife, and is still lying to her and has been fired fairly instantly. After it looks like six years on the job. So it’s major.

What an odd post. To compare it to yourself having stress,

This thread is really disturbing, people trying to make out it’s the woman’s fault and her role is to support her lying husband.

@thedancingbear

I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself properly. I’m in bed with Covid and could have gone into more detail but my head is a bit foggy. My comment was aimed at everyone in the family - everyones mental and physical health comes first. The OP has had some excellent practical advice already about taking a step back, not panicking, taking a mortgage holiday, etc.

My comment was intended to support this and pulling together as a family in what is undoubtedly a very, very tough time.

In my experience it was only by acknowledging my part to play (overstretched myself career wise, took a role for my ego rather than where my true skills are) and being brutally honest with my partner that worked. I don’t think it is a case of “poor husband” at all - it’s just a perfect storm of circumstances.

In the end, after a period of recovery from stress induced ill health, a lot of soul searching, taking mortgage holidays, etc, I resigned with my partners support. 3 years on and after a period of very frugal living (no car/holidays/stretching credit to the limit), we kept the house, thankfully, and we are now in a much better place and I have my own business. It was only with my partners support (and some counselling from Relate) that we got through it all.

Good luck OP xx

@cricketmum84

you've posted on the wrong thread, this thread the op is trying to go to work full time and relocate to a smaller house if needed

@PlasticDinosaur

Just wanted to agree 100% with your sensitively written post and suggestions. Your experience as a family also mirror ours x

“ Afternoon,

Just a little empathy and reassurance.
My husband was made redundant end of July and my DD was born October. We had moved into a bigger, more expensive house at the beginning of July. I could almost have written your post.

I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the worry about how we were going to keep a roof over our heads and feed our kids. The injustice of losing the maternity leave I'd invisioned. It's SO hard and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My husband was able to start his own business and is now on a better salary, contracting remotely. I never thought I'd say it but it's honestly one of the best things that ever happened to us. He's home most days, has an amazing bond with the kids, it's less stressful and better paid.

If starting a business or going self employed is an option for him - do it!!”

He hasn't lost his job though. He has pissed it away through an act or acts of gross misconduct, whilst his wife is unwell and pregnant.

I deal with HR stuff for work and I know just how difficult it is to move someone on who is not cutting the mustard. Gross misconduct is a really high bar.

He's a grade a cunt.

I know someone who was fired because he called out his boss’s sexist, predatory behaviour on young, female employees. The boss found a way to get rid of him.

I know MN can be a very sexist place towards men but lets not derail the thread which is unhelpful to OP.

OP ignore the vile responses from PPs who won’t be happy until you have left him.
If you genuinely want to leave him then fair enough but I think you both need to pull together to get through this and come up with a plan. You arguing and being angry with each other is not going to help your situation at all.

Probably been asked already - but if they have made him redundant, he should have some sort of lump sum owing to him. Do you have any savings at all?

I can see both sides of this. Working in a high stress job is awful and cannot be endured for too long without health damage.

My OH jumped off the wheel as his highly paid professional job was making him ill. I supported him in every way I could: I worked more hours, we jointly sold the house to unlock some capital; and we moved to a smaller property.

We explained to the children what was happening and why; and they accepted and tolerated the changes because they knew it was to make their Dad well.

None of it was ideal; but then working at a job you cannot sustain is not ideal either.

Looking back I do see it as a positive thing - it was an opportunity for us to reassess the life we had created; and we realised it was based on a foundation that took too much of a toll on him, and that this was not acceptable.

I am glad we took the decision we did as he went on to develop Parkinsons Disease - how awful it would have been if he had driven himself into the ground and had no quality of life right up to the moment when he became ill.

I know it feels scary - but there will be a way through this and it might have really positive spin-offs.

Oh don't disappear, not everyone has bullied you, most are sympathetic.

I've just read all your posts and I understand how you must be feeling. It really is a dilemma.

I'm going to tentatively suggest, could you take a lodger? I'm assuming, as you have your dream house, you have sufficient room. A lodger would bring in some much needed cash. Of course it has to be right sort of person, the last thing you need is a nightmare tenant, but there are nice people around who are looking for furnished accommodation. It doesn't matter if it's short term, you can find someone else when they leave.

The other idea is let a room through airbnb. Plenty of people do that to supplement their income.

Good luck and - come back!

Also I don't think anyone is trying to "stick up" for her husband, but what is to be gained from laying the blame on thick or calling him a c**t as one of the posters did despite not knowing the guy?!

Many a guy has pretended to go to work post being fired out of sheer embarrassment about the whole situation & out of worry they have let the family down. Not the right thing to do but he is probably also v panicked & would like to have "sorted" things before telling her. His self confidence has also probably taken a massive hit hence taking lower paid "easier" roles.

Glad there are some supportive posts and hopefully after a few days OP & hubby can take a deep breath and plan steps to move forward.

Also, I don't know what industries you all work in, but lots of people get fired for nothing that big. Firing is cheaper than paying a redundancy package so it's not unheard for companies to claim you are "underperforming" and put you through a whole improvement plan process, with full knowledge they plan to fire you! I have seen it happen more than on once.

OP, sorry about the pile-on, no idea why ppl appear unable to read your posts properly. No new practical advice from me, alas, just to wish you strength. There will be a way through this.

This is mad. Some of these posts. He’s not been made redundant!

This thread is really disturbing, people trying to make out it’s the woman’s fault and her role is to support her lying husband.

I know, the whiff of internalised misogyny is hanging in the air on this thread.

I know, the whiff of internalised misogyny is hanging in the air on this thread.

Less of a whiff. More like a stench.

Also, I don't know what industries you all work in, but lots of people get fired for nothing that big.

But you don’t just get fired on the spot for something tiny. He didn’t steal a pen on Thursday and get canned on Friday. He didn’t call out a sexist boss on Friday afternoon and get fired. Even if it wasn’t for something huge, in fact, especially if it wasn’t for something huge, the disciplinary process has been going on for a lot longer than the three weeks. He’s had a long time to warn the OP what might be coming and he chose not to. I would argue that, if it were for something minor that really wasn’t his fault, he would surely have been fine to tell her what was happening.

OP has been bullied off so we will never know, but I would put money on him having done something pretty bad.

I am absolutely floored that so many people are somehow putting this on you @Darkestdays, like he doesn’t have a tongue in his mouth and couldn’t have said “let’s not stretch ourselves financially I want a lesser paid job”?

The reason men commit suicide more is because they stick their heads in the sand and won’t seek help when they need it - not because their pregnant wife works part time to look after their young child.

It’s not OP’s fault that he has kept this and presumably other secrets. But it sounds like it’s up to her to resolve it as he’s not facing reality.

I don’t really have any advice OP, other than tell him to look on the civil service site - there’s loads of jobs on there in the £50-70k range and most of them offer at least partial WFH now.

Jesus Christ people maybe the OP has just calmed down and is speaking to her DH like she needed to. This thread is a joke....people bleating on about be kind and consider someone's mental health. But if it's a mans mental health then no you shouldn't. Why turn everything into a male female argument. What about a simple no partnership should have one person singularly responsible for all the financial pressure of the household. To those adamant its gross misconduct...you have no fucking idea what it is. He could have been managed out over months and been to embarrassed or afraid to admit it. Or he could have made a monumental bollocks. Either way if my partner even said to me I had ruined their life pretty much because of money or a job I would be heartbroken. I think the main perspective from the early posts was to try and get the OP to calm down and think more logically, practically and to consider his mental health. I would have said the same this to a man if he posted this and his wife was the high earner.

What about a simple no partnership should have one person singularly responsible for all the financial pressure of the household.

Presumably that means no one person should singularly be responsible for looking after children either?

What colour is the sky in your ideal world? So a teacher marries a hairdresser, are you really suggesting the teacher should expect to give up their job to be a stay at home parent? Or go part time just so there is financial equality? Not everyone is capable of going out and getting a job on the same salary as their partner. Or do you think people should choose a partner based on their earning capacity just to make sure it’s equal?

This thread is a joke....people bleating on about be kind and consider someone's mental health. But if it's a mans mental health then no you shouldn't. Why turn everything into a male female argument. What about a simple no partnership should have one person singularly responsible for all the financial pressure of the household.

I completely agree.
I can only imagine the replies if OP had come on here to say it was her that lost her job and her husband was angry at her.

Some posters must have very sad lives to say such vile things when OP is already under enough stress.

The DH has lost his job snd they’re worried about not being able to afford the mortgage so the logical step would be for him to find work and OP to try and increase her hours but somehow it’s misogynistic to mention that.

@Darkestdays take time to go through all the posts. Make a list of all the helpful suggestions that there has been (and there have been many) ignore the rubbish ones (you get to decide which ones are the rubbish ones!)

Then with your DH work through the list.

I do not live in a fantasy world but a household where 1 person earns 65k and one 7k is unequal and you must be taking the piss re childcare. Yes it falls equally to both parents. My DP earns double my 20k salary and when I was on Mat leave it would have been very hard to lose his income but it wouldn't have been the end of our world as we know it. What if god forbid they split or something did happen to him. It does concern me when anyone relies on someone else's income to that level. This could have been building for years the OP said he maintained that kind of salary for 6 years. I dont think it's a man woman thing. I work in finance. It's a household situation and an uneven one.

More tedious SAHM bashing. It’s been the defining feature of this thread.

Yup being a SAHM is financially incredibly risky and pointless in my opinion but try not to derail the thread. The OP isn't a SAHM

They are both responsible for stretching themselves to the limit with the mortgage. The burden was mainly on the highest earner but now both will have to adapt to new the situation. Unfortunately, at least in the SE good quality childcare is so expensive and unreliable that it makes sense the mother stays in part time jobs in the first few years. It must be incredible stressful for the OP expecting her second child and this new situation. At least with redundancy you get some money. Hopefully the husband would find a job soon enough not to loose the house.

@tootiredtospeak

I do not live in a fantasy world but a household where 1 person earns 65k and one 7k is unequal and you must be taking the piss re childcare. Yes it falls equally to both parents. My DP earns double my 20k salary and when I was on Mat leave it would have been very hard to lose his income but it wouldn't have been the end of our world as we know it. What if god forbid they split or something did happen to him. It does concern me when anyone relies on someone else's income to that level. This could have been building for years the OP said he maintained that kind of salary for 6 years. I dont think it's a man woman thing. I work in finance. It's a household situation and an uneven one.

You’re so missing the point. He’s likely been fired and he’s likely lying to her, and he’s lying about why he’s going for low paid jobs.

Marriage is based on trust. When your partner is abusing you and lying to you then you resolve that first then decide if you wish to stay and fix it together.

You don’t blindly accept it.

I am so not missing the point. Marriage is about supporting each other... if he had lied and cheated on her I would be telling her to LTB. This is a different situation. He lied yes it's wrong but I advised her to keep calm and talk to him. He was fired but that's not always gross misconduct...this could have been building for a while with poor performance that he kept to himself or if he is still in a probationary period he may not have cut the mustard. He could have been hiding it for months. We dont know as we are strangers on the internet. It isn't the end of her world that was my point. I get the shock, the hurt but she was catastrophising and I told her to calm down. Both sides mental health is important and someone who is shouldering the full household responsibilities must be scared shitless themselves. I dont think anger or blame will help here and from reading all the posts from people who it's happened too. I stand by it.

Abusing you is too strong....it is not abuse. If the OP had come on here to say she was the high earner and had lied for months as she was shit scared of them losing their home ec ect. Would you have told her she was an abusive liar.