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Original poster

Funerals - would you want a direct cremation

127 replies

Boilingicicle · 16/09/2021 11:02

Im in my 60s and thinking about getting a prepaid funeral sorted. I’m not religious or spiritual and don’t feel as if having relatives/friends stood in a room with my coffin doing readings and playing music is what I want. I think a direct cremation sounds great and if anyone wants to do anything after I’m gone to mark my life/death that would be up to them. Is it preventing people from saying goodbye properly if there’s no opportunity to attend any cremation though?

OP posts:
Gilead · 16/09/2021 11:05

63 and thinking along similar lines.

HeAteItWithASpoon · 16/09/2021 11:05

My dad had a cremation that none of us attended. He had a funeral at the local funeral parlour where his body had been taken after he died. Then after that we all went to the wake and he was cremated a few towns over and then his ashes given to us by the funeral parlour. I’ve not really done any other funerals and just assumed this was how it was done. I don’t think we got given the option of going to the cremation place with him as it’s bloody miles away (I live pretty rurally though).

Ozanj · 16/09/2021 11:06

Funerals are about the living not the dead. So I do think you’re being unreasonable here. Just save up enough so your loved ones have a few choices.

HeAteItWithASpoon · 16/09/2021 11:06

Oh, sorry I think I misunderstood. So you don’t want any service at all? Maybe just put in your will for a couple of hundred pounds to be put behind the bar of a local pub and your family and friends can just do a bit of a send off there rather than anything formal?

Notaroadrunner · 16/09/2021 11:08

Have a chat with your family about it. It's best to let them know and that way they can tell you what they think now, rather than them be upset after you die if they cannot have a funeral.

HoldingTheDoor · 16/09/2021 11:08

A funeral can be very important to those left behind. I think the funeral marks a changeover and I've never felt that I could really start processing a death until the funeral. It's an important ritual for many and I can't imagine not having an occasion to mark it

I'd speak to your loved ones and see what they think of the idea.

I do think that the wishes of the deceased are important btw and some are sacrosanct so I wouldn't hold a Christian funeral for an Atheist or not hold a Catholic funeral for someone it was important to but I think the people left behind matter too. I'd prefer to have a green burial but I told my Mother that if I go before she does then she can have a cremation for me as a burial would add to her distress and I wouldn't want that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/09/2021 11:08

Yes, definitely. Husband and I have already told family it’s what we both want.

Djifunrsn · 16/09/2021 11:10

I wouldn’t pre pay the funeral at this stage. You could live for decades and the paperwork could end up lost.

I think a direct cremation is fine and would be happy with it for myself. But people do feel differently about stuff. So perhaps money rather than a prepaid funeral would give them an option? Mind you they might argue over it so I’d leave money + wishes.

Mantlemoose · 16/09/2021 11:12

I've specified cremation with no service/songs etc but they can be there to make sure I've definitely gone. I don't want a wake and would be thoroughly up for haunting them if they had one against my wishes! It isn't about them, it's my funeral!

KilledByWitches · 16/09/2021 11:12

Father in law insisted on similar. Just us, our 2 children and MIL went to the crem. Followed the coffin and paused for a moment whilst they played a song he loved and then left.

My mum was a person who hated fuss and when she saw what FIL had done she insisted on the same. She left strict written instruction that a funeral notice wasn't even to go in the paper until after to stop people turning up.
There were a few who grumbled, but anyone who knew her well absolutely knew that the idea of a full funeral appalled her.
I carried out her wishes to the letter.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/09/2021 11:16

I think that people need a space to grieve collectively. It doesn't necessarily have to be a funeral but it fits the bill nicely. It can be really isolating when you are closely involved in the care of someone you love who is dying and it's easy for your world to get very small. It felt like the loneliest place in the world when my Dad was dying. Funerals are the starting point to knit everything back together a bit, I think, and I wouldn't want to jeopardise that space for my close family with a direct cremation without something else in its place.

Frankley · 16/09/2021 11:18

I recently had a direct Cremation for a close family member. We had discussed it previous to his death and both agreed to do it that way. I'm so pleased we did. Not religious so no service anywhere Pure Cremation firm were excellent. You can have the ashes returned if you wish but not if you don't.

ufucoffee · 16/09/2021 11:19

I couldn't care less. I'll be dead so won't know anything about it. I've told my next of kins to do what they want, I don't care.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/09/2021 11:21

My grandad and my mum have both paid for direct funerals, I think it's a good idea

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/09/2021 11:21

Direct cremation even!

Beamur · 16/09/2021 11:22

My FIL had a direct cremation. For various reasons it was a very practical choice for us. DH arranged a nice meet up with FIL friends and colleagues from local clubs a couple of months later as a 'send off' and we spent some time the following summer revisiting places that has been special to them and also the crematorium which had a really lovely wild garden where his ashes had been scattered.
It wasn't traditional but it was nice.

Original poster
Boilingicicle · 16/09/2021 11:23

Thank you everyone. It’s really helpful to get different opinions here. I do agree for many an actual funeral helps to process a death and is a final right of passage as it were.

I know I could live for a while but also especially since covid am aware that life can be very tenuous and we never know which day is to be our last so I thought a pre-paid plan would mean it’s sorted and grieving relatives wouldn’t be faced with having to ring round, find a company that can sort it out at a time they are stressed and upset enough. I’m very organised and have all paperwork in one place so my funeral Plan telephone number would be where family knew to find it. DC are very stressed and going through a lot right now so I don’t want to bring this up right now.

OP posts:
Baileys123 · 16/09/2021 11:24

I want the same.

ItWearsTheBatteriesOut · 16/09/2021 11:25

Depends. We followed the wishes of someone important to us and had a direct, but the grieving was much more difficult, it was as if it was unfinished and we didn't say goodbye. Also the family ties that are brought back together at the funeral have there importance.

Looktotheright · 16/09/2021 11:26

Discuss with family. Also maybe leave the option of what they think will help them to grieve at that time. Part of the decision would be knowing what you wanted but could also include what they need to help mourn - for example death could be sudden or after known illness (with time to say goodbye) and they might feel differently.

Fifthtimelucky · 16/09/2021 11:27

It's not for me.

I agree that funerals are for the living not the dead. Personally, I found great comfort in my parents' funerals - both the organising of them (choosing hymns, readings, coffins, flowers etc) and actually being there.

I wouldn't want to deny that to my children when I die, but obviously it will be up to them to decide what to do at the time (or my husband, but as he's 10 years older than I am, I assume I will outlive him).

I have also appreciated having the chance to get together with family to celebrate the life of wider family members and friends and would be sorry not to have that opportunity. A formal service/ceremony of some kind plus a more informal get together works well in my view.

Original poster
Boilingicicle · 16/09/2021 11:27

Frankly. I’m sorry for your loss. It was Pure Cremation I was thinking of as I got one of their marketing letters last week, looked at the packages and reviews and it made me think. It’s good to know they were good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boilingicicle · 16/09/2021 11:30

To those that found it hard and more difficult to grieve I really don’t want that to happen. I can see I am going to need to discuss this and not just go with what I want.

OP posts:
Looktotheright · 16/09/2021 11:32

Just read your comments. I have just witnessed an adult losing their adult child to cancer. Nothing can make things better but part of the way they dealt with it was filling time organising a funeral. In this case religious so choosing music and readings, but that could be true for a none religious family. It was the last thing she could do directly for them.

However there is no right or wrong. Another relative may be relieved at not needing to organise or see people at a funeral.

FatAnkles · 16/09/2021 11:41

I want the same. No attendees. I went to funerals for close relatives in my early 20s and found them all to be traumatic. I don't understand why we take so much care of the body when the person isn't there anymore. The body is a mere vessel.

I am going to put money aside for a little memorial and a party instead. I don't know many people so I think a few pints in the pub is far more fitting for those who do love me than the traditional set-up.