Funerals - would you want a direct cremation

[Boilingicicle]

Im in my 60s and thinking about getting a prepaid funeral sorted. I’m not religious or spiritual and don’t feel as if having relatives/friends stood in a room with my coffin doing readings and playing music is what I want. I think a direct cremation sounds great and if anyone wants to do anything after I’m gone to mark my life/death that would be up to them. Is it preventing people from saying goodbye properly if there’s no opportunity to attend any cremation though?

MIL had one and DW and I are both thinking of doing the same.

@SwedishEdith

Why are people saying it's what they want when they won't be there? I'm in the couldn't really care less camp - a bit - but I do think they are very useful for the bereaved.

Actually I think it is important to share "what you want", maybe better to phrase it as "I would be happy if you did...but if you want something different then that's ok".

I've seen people get horribly into debt trying to provide a "good send-off" when I'm sure the deceased would be appalled at the idea of their son/daughter paying off a funeral for years.

Even worse when family have differences of opinion about what "good" looks like and it ends up with bad feeling and spoilt relationships.

Talking about it is good.

My Dad is dying and we are doing this, my mum couldn't cope with a funeral. He's happy enough, he originally wanted to leave his body to science but left it too late. My mum, me and DH all want the same when it's our turn.
Mum doesn't want to go to the crematorium but I do.

I'm happy to go with whatever my loved ones want at the time. Personally, I think direct cremations are great and would much rather people were celebrating my life having a nice meal out or something rather than sobbing over my coffin somewhere and saving a few quid in the process too.
But I understand that some people get a lot of comfort from the traditional funeral process so if that's what my nearest and dearest want for me, that's fine too. After all, I won't care because I'll be dead .

I'm attending a funeral tomorrow so have been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of weeks.

Even prior to this I'd been considering a direct cremation & I am sure now that I'd prefer this, with the proviso that the family go out together somewhere for a nice meal after scattering my ashes (they already know where they're to be scattered).

I really wouldn't want the traditional funeral.

I shall be going for direct cremation.

For me, I just think it’s a massive waste of money doing anything more. Also, a close relation had a funeral that was so awful and depressing that everyone who went has planned theirs in great detail! Most of us who were there don’t want a funeral at all now.

Yes...mine is all sorted ( I'm 61 and healthy)
I consider funerals a waste of money, I'm not religious and prefer my friends and family to say nice things about me even I'm alive.
My family know of my plans and know exactly what to do with my ashes

I'd like to do what my grandmother did. She donated her body to medical science, had a humanist funeral in a lovely hotel with no body, afternoon tea afterwards.

Two years later, we got the call that they had finished, and she had an early morning cremation. Just my dad went, apparently lots of people don't have any attendees at all.

I don't care what happens.
I hope my family do the cheapest thing possible, and they can then sit around a bonfire singing mournful songs and getting pissed if they want.

Could you be composted instead of cremated? Cremation is awful for the environment.

I can’t bear funerals, but i have complicated family relationships. I much prefer the idea of direct cremation.

I have chosen the hymns and bible readings for my own funeral, which will be held in my village church, before I am buried in my DH’s grave in the village churchyard, under a copper beech tree next to the primary school playground where my DDs attended.
As a Christian, I look forward to being reunited with my much loved DH, after 30 years (and counting) of missing him. And I rather like the idea that our mortal remains will be nurturing that beech tree together!

I would! No problem . I think it's fine to state your wishes about how you'd like your funeral and I'd hope family would respect that in honour of me.
I don't want a ceremony full of people I barely/don't know.
I have said if they do want a funeral then the rule is "only people who loved me ".
Funerals are awful things to go through in public

Babdoc

I have chosen the hymns and bible readings for my own funeral, which will be held in my village church, before I am buried in my DH’s grave in the village churchyard, under a copper beech tree next to the primary school playground where my DDs attended.
As a Christian, I look forward to being reunited with my much loved DH, after 30 years (and counting) of missing him. And I rather like the idea that our mortal remains will be nurturing that beech tree together!“

That’s lovely, for you.

I’m not religious. Want it done with the least possible fuss.
My family and loved ones can take my ashes to a beautiful place we cherished, scatter them at sunrise and enjoy a beautiful lunch and much wine in the sunshine in my memory instead.
Much more meaningful to me and to them, we’re all much of a mind.

I don't want to be cremated but I quite like the idea of natural burial. I'm not religious so don't want a service nor even a humanist service. Just put me in the ground and be done with it.

Why are people saying it's what they want when they won't be there?

Because I don't want the people I leave behind wasting their money on a funeral. I find funerals morbid and unnecessary, I'd would much rather my loved ones just have a wake without all of the fussy, awkward eulogising beforehand. I don't believe in graves, visiting burial sites/gardens of remembrance, etc so it's pointless having a burial site for my ashes or scattering them in the garden at the crematorium because I don't want people visiting it/me. My wider family think along the same lines, we don't do graves and we don't do big funerals.

I feel it is rather unhealthy to be too controlling about what happens to us when we are gone. I'm going to give my children the freedom to choose what will help them, with some pointers on things I think not necessary from my pov. I'm more interested in them I think.

Thanks everyone. I can’t tell you how this is helping me think this through. My DGPs and DPs had Jewish Orthodox burials where there is no choice - every service is the same right down to the coffin that is used. So there’s very little to do other than ring the burial person up . All you have to do is show up really which was a comfort as I was in such a state the thought of having to arrange a whole funeral at that time ( and very quickly too) would have been exhausting and stressful.

I have no wish for a service at all and I want my family to be able to make one phone call and the whole thing will be sorted without them having to make decisions and arrangements. That’s why I want a prepaid plan. I will tell them direct cremation is what I’d like but if they feel they want to change things that would be fine with me.

I can see the point that the needs of those left behind are important.My DMs death was traumatic and the funeral next day felt like a surreal nightmare. I don’t want my family to go through anything extra hard at a time that’s already tough.

I'm all for it.

It’s difficult, every person will have different circumstances that affect the situation.

Personally, I think I’ll be going for direct (no children and remainder of my very small family are likely to not be around).

The other thing I’m considering is donating my body for medical training. I saw a thread here some time ago, but can’t find it now, and the contribution from posters made me think more about how useful my body could be for those training in the medical field. And the way they described how respectful the process was has made me seriously think about it.

We have just been through this with my parents, both died within 2 weeks. They chose direct cremation and we used Pure Cremation.

For me it was a relief. I was dreading the thought of a funeral, let alone 2. The majority of my parents friends were already dead, and those still living are very old & frail. PC allowed us to grieve in private without having to concern ourselves with all the details. The company was excellent in all contact and the chap that delivered the ashes after was respectful and caring.

The only thing I will say is the timeframe was a little ‘off’ - but that may be a result of current Covid times. Whilst they collected the body straight away it was 3 weeks before the cremation took place and 3 weeks again before the ashes were delivered.

For elderly deaths I think it was the right thing to do, but I’m not sure about younger deaths. If I lost a family member/friend of my age (50) I think more people would want to attend a ‘send off’ as such (but there is no reason that couldn’t be a wake or memorial)

@Furries my grandmother was a nurse in London during the Blitz and had set up her wishes then. She was very passionate about donating her body, and never wavered until her death in the mid 2000s, apart from a brief flirtation with the idea of giving it to Parkinsons research. She rejected this ("They only want the brain! What a waste!") and even went into our local funeral directors to make sure they understood the requirements. They remembered her very well, and it all went perfectly.

The humanist ceremony was beautiful, very moving. We were encouraged to share our memories with the group at one point, which was lovely - we heard from people who'd known her in different ways to us and it was wonderful to hear about this capable, intelligent woman who cared so deeply for so many.

Writing this reminds me again how much I miss her.

My mum and nan both died last year. We had a direct cremation for my nan as my mum was too ill to attend a funeral- plus it was lockdown, so only limited to 6 people there anyway. It was fine.
My mums funeral on the other hand was limited to 30, so we had a memorial service for both earlier this year. I found that incredibly stressful as I'd already done all of the 'death' admin for both and it just felt like it was stringing things out. As soon as it was over I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

One thing with the direct cremation is that they don't tell you when it will be, which I found rather nice. At my mums funeral I couldn't have the curtains close or the lights go off as I felt that was too final if you know what I mean? I'd said my goodbyes already and it just made me feel awful again.

Do what you want. If your family want a wake, or memorial service they can plan that afterwards.

My Mum donated her body to science, partly so we didn’t have to arrange (and pay for) a funeral.
We did feel a strong need for a ceremony though so we had a memorial service (non religious).
It felt odd not having the coffin present but we had a photo of Mum on the table and her favourite flowers.
We had a wake at a local pub.

You can have your ashes turned into a tree urn now, I always think it would be nice to have a direct cremation then a memorial service when planting the tree.
I think a service does give closure but I'm not keen on the traditional type for many reasons.