Funerals - would you want a direct cremation

[Boilingicicle]

Im in my 60s and thinking about getting a prepaid funeral sorted. I’m not religious or spiritual and don’t feel as if having relatives/friends stood in a room with my coffin doing readings and playing music is what I want. I think a direct cremation sounds great and if anyone wants to do anything after I’m gone to mark my life/death that would be up to them. Is it preventing people from saying goodbye properly if there’s no opportunity to attend any cremation though?

I think its pure cremation we are with. We took our and paid for our direct cremations 2/3 years ago. One of the other reasons to pay now is that i have read the price of funerals (already high!) is predicted to rise substantially over the next 20-30 years to over £20,000 ! Buy now at todays prices and its a done deal.

FatAnkles. I feel the same. I found my DGPs and DPs funerals really upsetting. They were burials and I found the interments incredibly hard. I can understand for them that’s what they wanted but I would have been happier to get together with family and friends without the burial part. Same when I’ve been to cremations. Seeing the coffin slowly disappear from sight and the music is so horrible. The get together afterwards is such a relief so I thought I’d go straight to that bit when my time comes.

No thanks
I'm having a full Catholic Funeral Mass.
Then on to the cemetery to be buried beside my Dd.
Same for DH

We've decided as a family that we are having no more funerals. Last two have been direct cremations. Very happy with this

We've just arranged a direct cremation for a relative. Then at some point in the next year we're planning a Celebration of life party with bright clothes, wine and lots of chat. She had a funeral plan with the Coop but didn't want a service or any fuss. Everyone we've told is really supportive of the decision and say it's just like her to request that.

I did until I realised how important a funeral would be to me as a bereaved person. DH has a terminal diagnosis and wants a direct cremation, it made me realise that I want a service as I want to be able to see him off properly. I suspect that makes me selfish.

@bloodywhitecat
That doesn't make you selfish.
Take care of yourself.

Direct cremation doesn’t preclude holding a memorial service for people to mourn. I have personally found these gatherings to be more cathartic than the traditional services that are rushed to take place immediately following the death. A cremation allows a little flexibility on scheduling and things can be arranged so that everyone can travel to attend from far and wide (and least when we aren’t in a pandemic). Even just 3 weeks out instead of 3 days makes a huge difference. I also like that there is less focus on the physical person and more focus on the life.

I've told my family to stick me in the big green wheely bin and shove me outside for the Tuesday collection.

I want direct to crem, as does DH and my father. Then a wake in a pub for people to reminisce.

I think a direct cremation is fine if that is your wish but personally think you shouldn;t deter people from having some form of service if they want to? A service can help those who loved you and it seems unkind to take this away when you will not be affected by it happening due to deadness.

I'm torn here as I agree with the getting together to grieve but I think the paucity of options in the UK and the way you have to arrange everything along set lines that are really very formal and laid down means that there is very little individuality in funerals/cremations.

For that reason I can see why direct is a good option and then the getting together in a person appropriate way at the right time, in the right place.

Of course if you have a faith then its completely different.

It will be set in stone when I die what will happen. There will be no scope to change things.
Direct Cremation.
No service, no fuss, no wake.

The body is a shell, the soul has flown, i am not there anymore. If you want to say goodbye to me, go to where I love, the hills and the woods and the sea. Of there's an afterlife, that's where I'll be.

One of the best funerals I went to was of a chap at church and the service through to funeral tea was AFTER the cremation. The family had a wee service at the crem and the big coffin topper sat in church instead of the coffin.

Worked perfectly. Lovely service and the family had been through “ the worst bit “ and could stay in the church hall with friends after.

Direct cremation and a similar thing would suit me if my family want it. Or just straight into the oven and then Everyone down the pub if they prefer. It’s an event for those left behind not me

I have recently experienced a sudden accidental death where the partner has insisted on a direct cremation as it was what the deceased wanted. But such a sudden and unexpected death has left close relatives without a clear ritual for mourning. There has been a celebration of life but this was not the same as a funeral. Rituals are important. If you wouldn't have a funeral would you bother with a wedding? Both are a standard part of our lives for good reasons. And funerals are for the living, although I think its helpful if people give an indication of their wishes without setting anything in stone.

We recently had an ashes scattering ceremony and wake equivalent after having to have a very limited covid affected funeral last year with many people important to the deceased person unable to attend.

In many ways this felt like the "real" funeral and gave us a lot of comfort and closure. It was in a place that was significant to all of us, where the crem certainly was not, everyone was able to speak if they wanted and we had lots of tears, laughs and hugs together afterwards.

I think I quite like the idea of being taken off to the crem while my loved ones remember me and celebrate my life somewhere lovely elsewhere.

I agree though that funerals are for the living and especially when a death is unexpected the usual rites and guidance of a funeral director can help you navigate a horrible time when you might not feel up to making other plans.

@Mantlemoose

I've specified cremation with no service/songs etc but they can be there to make sure I've definitely gone. I don't want a wake and would be thoroughly up for haunting them if they had one against my wishes! It isn't about them, it's my funeral!

I disagree, funerals are about those left behind. You’re dead, why should you care what happens?

I was dreading my Dad’s funeral (for a long time before he was even ill, I mean as I was convinced I’d be an absolute mess and wouldn’t be able to get through it). In the event, it was a really helpful part of the grieving process and definitely helped my mum and brother process it too. We kept it simple, body already in chapel when we arrived, small arrangement of flowers on coffin, no hymns, just the vicar saying the usual passages (I’m not remotely religious, but found this oddly comforting) and favourite song playing alongside a slideshow of our favourite photos of him. I definitely found the funeral helpful.

@PalmarisLongus, other people may not feel as you do, but the way you put how you feel is lovely. Whilst I do believe in spirit and soul, if someone close to me felt the way you do, I'd respect it totally.

I'm signed up for dissection at local medical school, but if that doesn't work out I'd do this.

My mum wants a direct cremation then when the ashes come back she wants us to have a wake/party with her urn as the guest of honour before scattering her somewhere nice - her instructions on that one are no graves and no rememberenace garden so maybe in the sea or at a beauty spot. The wake/party is where we'll do the collective remembering thing.

DH and I want similar when we go expect whichever of us goes first is going to keep the others ashes until they go too then both sets of ashes will go in one urn and we'll be scattered together somewhere special to us.

No, I wouldn’t go for a direct cremation because I’d want the people I leave behind to do what suits them. I’d probably say I’d be happy with a direct cremation to give them “permission” to do it if they wanted to but I think most people prefer a funeral service as a bit of closure and it’s nice to get family together and share happy memories.

No way. Didn't want the fuss of a white wedding but I want a proper send off!

Why are people saying it's what they want when they won't be there? I'm in the couldn't really care less camp - a bit - but I do think they are very useful for the bereaved.

My Dad had a simple cremation which was a cremation with a slightly shorter than normal service before. No flowers, three perfect songs, a poem I picked and just a few mourners. It was perfect for him, he’d have hated a big fuss and I got to say a proper goodbye. It was a comfort for me.

My dad had a direct funeral (his choice) as wanted us to spend the money saved on holiday / grandchildren.

We had had the discussion just weeks before he (unexpectedly) died fortunately (so I would definitely encourage you to share your plans / wishes whatever you decide as this saved us debating it). We did however, get together at the funeral home to place some flowers on the coffin and take photos and letters (it was during lockdown so only 5 in total but this suited us / family anyway). One sister refused to come but I am glad we got together to may respects / just have that ritual. We then had a separate ashes scattering with all the kids a few months later and went for lunch after (again, exactly what he wanted).

Prepaid funeral plans are incredibly stress-free options for family and generally good value (as funerals go!).

I am a big advocate of funerals as part of the grieving process for families but definitely don't think you have to go down the tradition service route.

Cost wise in case you are interested, direct cremation (incl herse transport etc) was £1800, land and dedication for ashes (Woodland Trust) £2000. All in all, about half the cost of a 'tradition ' funeral