Funerals - would you want a direct cremation

[Boilingicicle]

Im in my 60s and thinking about getting a prepaid funeral sorted. I’m not religious or spiritual and don’t feel as if having relatives/friends stood in a room with my coffin doing readings and playing music is what I want. I think a direct cremation sounds great and if anyone wants to do anything after I’m gone to mark my life/death that would be up to them. Is it preventing people from saying goodbye properly if there’s no opportunity to attend any cremation though?

My parents [ mid 80's ] are both signed up for Pure Cremation. We discussed it as a family and agreed with them, though it was their choice even if we didn't agree. Us siblings will get together at some point after their passing to scatter their ashes at a place they have specified.

Part of their thinking is that as a family we are far spread, in the UK and abroad. I have 2 sisters and a son who lives abroad plus nieces and nephews, so it would be difficult to plan a funeral with every one attending. I think that covid highlighted for them the difficulties it would entail.

At almost 63, it has made me think about my funeral plans and I am very tempted to go for Pure Cremation too.

I’ve already left my body to a local university who take them, but in the event they can’t (body too badly damaged by accident etc), then it will be direct cremation.

I only have dh and my children.

I don’t like anyone else and quite frankly, no one has ever liked me. Why would I want a funeral attended by dh family, who have never liked me when I’m alive, coming along so they can just have an excuse to get pissed after?

My oldest is now an adult and is just as pragmatic as me.

My dad is 87. He wants the full lot which is just a huge waste, again, considering it’s just us. But he’s the sort of person who has to be the centre of attention all the time, even in death it seems.

Also, I’m clouded by my mums funeral. She died when I was 11. It put us into huge debt. All the people who came along who were apparently such great friends - we never saw a single one of them after the funeral. Not one call, one visit while I was left alone as a young child caring for my dad who had a breakdown afterwards. Not one of these people who came to her funeral helped when I was caring for her as she died, terrified as a child because my dad had to work all the hours to keep us afloat.

But they all came, stuffed food down their throats and said what wonderful friends they were while they were doing it. So to me, it’s all a farce.

I’m 30 and I’ve already told my family want I want. I’ve been to the funerals of two young people who died unexpectedly and the turmoil for the families who didn’t know what to do for them was horrible. I want a direct cremation with minimal fuss. I find funerals very painful as you’ve had the initial grief of the person dying and then it’s all dredged up again several weeks later. My friends and family can have a wake if they want to but I’m not coming!

How about you get cremated, the ashes are handed over to your family and then they plant a memorial tree, using the ashes as a base/fertilizer? That way they are spared the cremation service, which can be harrowing, and get to do something more low key and uplifting outside. Then they can go to the pub afterwards for a small gathering.

I have wanted this for years, long before I knew it was a 'thing'. Most of my family feel the same.

I know they say funerals are for the living but, if I die of old age, there will be very few "living" around me to mourn. Both DH and I would be put out in the wheelie bin on the street if we could so a direct cremation will definitely be the simplest solution. In fact, I've just realised that when the second of us dies, there'll be nobody around to actually organise anything ...

We went to the church funeral of a friend. He had actually been cremated that morning with just immediate family. I thought that worked really well and will be requesting the same.

My father passed away recently and we found an independent funeral director. They do their own cremations and the whole service. It was set up to be more like a wedding than a traditional funeral. It was a celebration of his life and in beautiful surroundings. Not hurried and in a serene setting surrounded by trees and fields.

This particular funeral director does very reasonably priced funeral plans. If I were you I'd look into setting up a plan and specify what your preferences are. Then let your loved ones know.

The most difficult part was saying goodbye but it's essential that the living get to do this. Otherwise it can complicate grief.

Your funeral is for others, not for you, you'll be gone by then.

When funerals last year were limited to 6 people, a huge amount of people found it incredibly difficult. What we are seeing more now is that those who had to ensure that particular set of restrictions are choosing to have memorial services. These are much more, cheerful, for want of a better word. The initial shock and devastation of the loss has passed and its more about remembering the life the deceased had, people remember the fun bits and the funny stories.

I understand completely that sometimes people don't want a fuss, or to feel like its a waste of money.

JenniferAllisonPhilipaSue. That’s the same for me. I’m the youngest of my siblings by a considerable gap, my DPs are long gone, all but one of my friends are older than me by a decade on average. If I make it into my 70s/80s the chances are there won’t be many still around to go other than my DC and DGC.

I like the idea of having ashes combined with a tree and being planted and whatever get together anyone fancies . I didn’t know that was something you could do.

These are much more, cheerful, for want of a better word. The initial shock and devastation of the loss has passed and its more about remembering the life the deceased had, people remember the fun bits and the funny stories.

That's exactly what every Humanist funeral service I've attended has been like, and also once a Catholic service too. They were all very much about celebrating the life of the person who'd die and involved lots of laughter as well as tears.

@HoldingTheDoor

These are much more, cheerful, for want of a better word. The initial shock and devastation of the loss has passed and its more about remembering the life the deceased had, people remember the fun bits and the funny stories.

That's exactly what every Humanist funeral service I've attended has been like, and also once a Catholic service too. They were all very much about celebrating the life of the person who'd die and involved lots of laughter as well as tears.

I think it's also about fitting the funeral to the family aswell. And getting the right celebrant. Some are dreadful. Some FDs are phenomenal, others are awful.

There are so many variants. Most of the funerals I'm involved in are a mix of lamentation and grief and highlighting the wonderful bits of a person's life. You just hope you get it right for the family each time.

Cheap coffin if anyone’s interested. Only £249

coffincompany.co.uk/autumn-gold-premium-wicker-oval-coffin?fbclid=IwAR379uNlB09WmflQTdyLVtJ1unqIF_Fh8eFsm3mCtLqc15KUr_bcDwny0Ac

Direct cremation, ashes scattered from a local fishing boat for a few quid. My wife's ashes are already floating in the world's oceans.

That's where my grandparents are too @Joystir59, I can think of nothing more lovely for them than travelling the world over and over as part of the ocean.

There was a bit in The Good Place about waves as a way of explaining life and death which made me think of them when I heard it:

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave.

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be.

I don’t care for myself, the family can do what they like, but although I’m not religious, for anyone I love I’d like at least a couple of well loved hymns.

For my DF, who’d survived 2 years of the terribly dangerous WW2 North Atlantic convoys, we chose ‘For those in peril on the sea’. Not that I think he’d have cared a jot about what sort of funeral - and he always said he’d come back and haunt anyone who wasted money on funeral flowers! - but he’d always liked that one.

My DM always particularly liked ‘Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring’ so we had that, plus a particularly lovely recording of her youngest Gdd’s school choir solo of Panis Angelicus - she has a very pure, sweet soprano. TBH it’s so beautiful I think I’d like that at my own funeral.

My dad died in March 2020 and we had to have a direct cremation due to restrictions. To be honest I think it's really negatively affected my grieving process.

The only people I know are my dd, son in law and dgd. Direct cremation would be ideal.

@Callmecordelia - your grandmother sounds like she was an amazing woman 💐

Definitely a direct cremation, and also no wake, ashes scattering, memorial service or ANYTHING AT ALL. I'll be dead & none of those things are necessary. I'm lucky not to have a family, but I'm sure husband & friends would much prefer not to have any kind of "event". The living should just get on with their lives.

My mum hasn’t requested this but she’s requested that her body goes to science and I have the same concerns around there being no ending. Not that my mum plans to die anytime soon she’s only 63 and still working full time.

I've been trying to talk to my ailing Dad about this. He's 82, penniless and it'll be muggins paying for his funeral. Since few of our extended family bother with me (let alone me), I don't want to pay a fortune for them to be able to fake their grief.

bother with him

I'm 45, my will states direct to crem. I don't see the point in all the other fuss. I've asked if my ashes can go in a firework (it's a thing). The rest how they wish to mark my passing is up to my loved ones. I don't want them to have all the expense of a huge funeral though.