Funerals - would you want a direct cremation

[Boilingicicle]

Im in my 60s and thinking about getting a prepaid funeral sorted. I’m not religious or spiritual and don’t feel as if having relatives/friends stood in a room with my coffin doing readings and playing music is what I want. I think a direct cremation sounds great and if anyone wants to do anything after I’m gone to mark my life/death that would be up to them. Is it preventing people from saying goodbye properly if there’s no opportunity to attend any cremation though?

I realise I could save for one, but it's just not me either.

My dad has saved for his funeral. But he could really do with new hearing aids (which are expensive).

He won’t use the money he saved for his funeral on something that would make his life, while he’s fucking living, easier.

I’m his only relative (apart from my kids). He has no friends. not actually going to waste thousands on the funeral he wants.

He’s making his life harder to pay over the odds for something to get burned in. I cannot understand it at all.

Just for info- those saying they like the idea of planting a tree (or other plant) using their ashes- cremated remain hold no nutritional value for soil. They add nothing.
Your body before cremation does.
Natural burial is the most eco friendly way to go if that's the inclination.

BillyJoe111. I can see why that would be so frustrating. Hearing aids would improve your DFs quality of life no end where as a fancy funeral he won’t get to have any benefit from.

@Boilingicicle

BillyJoe111. I can see why that would be so frustrating. Hearing aids would improve your DFs quality of life no end where as a fancy funeral he won’t get to have any benefit from.

No one will benefit from it! It’s just me, dh and the kids! It’s madness.

Meanwhile he can’t hear a thing.

We did this for my SIL. She lived down in Cornwall and had previously specified that she didn't want any fuss. As my DH was her only direct relative he made the decision. It didn't suit everyone it has to be said and a lot of eyebrows were raised..

We had an afternoon tea on the day of the cremation for family and friends in a local hotel. We decorated the room with family pictures, had her favourite flowers on the tables etc. It was lovely and quite uplifting.

Once we received the ashes we arranged to have them buried in the same plot as her late partner. Six of us went - DH, me, and some cousins who had missed the tea. One of the cousins read a poem, and the crematorium provided a bowl of fresh rose petals so we could sprinkle them into the plot. It was very moving, and then we went off for a gloriously boozy lunch.

It made it all so much more personal than a large funeral.

Needwinenow. That sounds really lovely. I could definitely get behind something like that.

Billyjoe111. How infuriating.

Yup, me and my DH already decided on this.

@Clocktopus
That's where my grandparents are too @Joystir59*, I can think of nothing more lovely for them than travelling the world over and over as part of the ocean.
There was a bit in The Good Place about waves as a way of explaining life and death which made me think of them when I heard it:

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave.

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be*
This was a beautiful post thank you

My dad died suddenly back in June and his wishes were for a direct cremation.

I was so torn because I really felt like I needed a service to say good bye but wanted to honour his wishes.

In the end we did have the direct cremation and then had a family get together.

Personally I still wish we'd had at least a basic funeral and it's something I'm still really struggling with.

I’m 27 and have had this discussion already with DH!
Funerals are disgustingly expensive, and I don’t really see the point. I’d much rather my children and use that money to do something enjoyable together as a celebration of my life rather than spend it on what is normally an utterly miserable occasion.

My DF has a prepaid direct cremation in place, it wouldn't have been our choice but it's what he wants so we respect that. We have plans in place for scattering his ashes etc for when the time comes (all his requests which we are more than happy to carry out).

@SlamLikeAGuitar I didn't see my parents' funerals as utterly miserable occasions. Indeed, nearly all of the funerals I have been too involved laughter and were joyous celebrations of someone's life, as well as being sad.

@Boilingicicle

Thanks everyone. I can’t tell you how this is helping me think this through. My DGPs and DPs had Jewish Orthodox burials where there is no choice - every service is the same right down to the coffin that is used. So there’s very little to do other than ring the burial person up . All you have to do is show up really which was a comfort as I was in such a state the thought of having to arrange a whole funeral at that time ( and very quickly too) would have been exhausting and stressful.

I have no wish for a service at all and I want my family to be able to make one phone call and the whole thing will be sorted without them having to make decisions and arrangements. That’s why I want a prepaid plan. I will tell them direct cremation is what I’d like but if they feel they want to change things that would be fine with me.

I can see the point that the needs of those left behind are important.My DMs death was traumatic and the funeral next day felt like a surreal nightmare. I don’t want my family to go through anything extra hard at a time that’s already tough.

PIL had paid for their funeral plans with age concern. I’m thinking of doing it for DH & myself. It really was easy, just a call to the funeral place with the policy number & they did the rest. DGM had also pre arranged hers. Very simple services in all cases.

Funerals are awful for the bereaved partners, I think it’s a great idea.

My DM said she wanted a direct cremation as she wasn’t religious and thought funerals were a waste of money ...

When she died I couldn’t do it. I needed her to have a “proper” funeral. The funeral is about the deceased, but for the living. I needed to say goodbye in the traditional way, and I’m glad that I did. It brought me closure.

I want the bare minimum, no service, no frills, they can just dump me on the fire in a body bag for all I care. I've no property or life insurance so it will probably be a council funeral.

@Fifthtimelucky As much as it must have been awful losing your parents, I'm glad you found their funerals to be a celebration of life rather than the miserable mourning of their passing.
I’ve been to way more funerals than someone my age should have done - including too many of people my age. Majority of them, including my paternal grandfather’s funeral, were very solemn, depressing, miserable occasions and I really struggled through them.
A colleague who was killed in Afghanistan in 2012 had a very small service for family and close friends only, and made it very clear that there was to be no black, no sad music, no sad poems/readings etc. He made his exit from this plain to the dulcet tones of “I’m Sexy And I Know It” - that’s more my idea of a “funeral”. It reeked of his stupid sense of humour and silliness, and majority of us were crying with laughter throughout

Deletedbyaccident. I will take a look at Age Concerns plans. Thanks. I do want to have everything sorted and paid for to reduce the stress for family.

@Boilingicicle

Deletedbyaccident. I will take a look at Age Concerns plans. Thanks. I do want to have everything sorted and paid for to reduce the stress for family.

PIL both had the Ivy plans. They were nice funerals with no fuss, and no stress for DH & SIL, at difficult times.

Thanks Deletedbyaccident. I will take a look at it.

I'm also considering sorting out funerals for DH and I.

My (half) siblings had to organise their mother's funeral which was really hard for them - she was just over 60 and they were in their late 20s and early 30s.

I'd hate my DC to have that on top of everything else so we will get Funeral Plans once we have finished paying for university!

Having been to a lot of funerals in the past few years, I felt that there wasn't the same closure after the ones without a service at all. So we won't be doing direct cremation.

Simple burial or cremation with a few words then tea and cake afterwards.

Can't remember who said it up thread but they don't wheel the coffin in to be cremated nowadays, they do it after everyone has left.

All the way. Funerals give me the heebies and I'd resent the money spent on mine, they're a rip off and family I wouldn't recognise in the street turning up? Just no thankyou.

There's nothing stopping those who care having a send off without the coffin. Absolutely nothing and cheaper as well.

I’m useless at linking stuff, but for those interested in donating your body, there is a thread in AMA - the last post was early August so should be fairly easy to find.

That thread made me look at it in a new light, would have absolutely dismissed the idea before.