Page 7 | Do you still get financial help/treats from your parents?

ShanghaiDiva · 10/09/2021 20:55

No financial help from parents after graduation. I received a full grant for uni and no fees back in the 1980s so my parents did not have to give me any money, but I did live rent free at home during the holidays despite having a job.
We paid for ds though university, but no help now. However, would help if he lost his job or had unexpected expenses.

MonsterMunchConnoisseur · 10/09/2021 20:56

Yes both in the form of loans that I repay in full or as a gift from both PIL and DP's. I appreciate that we are very lucky but they all say they would rather pass it on now that have us clobbered with inheritance tax. My PIL had a £500k inheritance bill a few years ago so they are gifting assets to us and DH's siblings as quickly as they can so that we don't have to go through the same.

BillyJoe111 · 10/09/2021 21:01

My dad has hoarded money his whole life, for my “inheritance” when he’s dead. He’s sat on a hundred thousand pounds during times when we were on partial housing benefit (while both working), being kicked out by landlords who wanted to sell up and couldn’t find anywhere to live that would take even partial housing benefit, and we ended up in travelodge rooms with the children inbetween homes.

We stuck it out in an expensive area as that’s where he lives and I needed to be near him to care for him. It’s hell now that we live 120 miles away in a cheaper place. Lots of early hours of the morning dashes to get to him in emergencies (he won’t move here as the house is for inheritance- it’s like banging my head against a brick wall).

It was always “for when I’m dead”.

Now it’s all going to go on his care as I don’t think I can take much more of looking after him myself as he’s getting more difficult, I have a young family and i’m now ill myself. (Not that i’m moaning about that, it’s fair enough to pay for care fees).

But he could have helped us out long before rather than having this “when I’m dead” attitude.

That’s what I hope I can do for my children. Help them out when they need it, not have the idea of inheritance in my head.

Not that I’m saying I’m owed anything - it’s always him saying i’ll benefit once he’s gone. It’s the wrong way of thinking if you do want to help your children.

BillyJoe111 · 10/09/2021 21:09

(And yes, we could have used inlaws money for dh to pay rent but the caveat for dh was that it wasn’t to just go on a years rent, they wouldn’t have given it to us. They wanted it to be for a time when we had progressed in careers and could use it to buy a house somewhere far cheaper than where we were living. We were hanging on there to care for my dad).

Ikeameatballs · 10/09/2021 22:19

Mine supported me through university and gave me a lot of practical help when my dc were smaller. They once paid for a holiday for dc and I and they gave me £5k towards a new kitchen about 5years ago.

I know that they have a significant sum in savings which they don’t want to get used in care costs or inheritance tax but at the same time don’t seem to want to give me (only child) when they are alive! I certainly don’t need their money but I still find it a little strange although I know they love me very much.

Timeisavirtue · 10/09/2021 22:26

I’m 33 and live with my mum, we all do (me, DP, DS, dd) . we pay rent and contribute to bills. We do equal amount of chores around the house. She often treats us to takeaway and us her and my dsis. I’ve never taken money from my mum, dbro does but I’m not that type of person. She looks after the kids whilst we are at work and she works in the evening. She is mortgage free so it’s a win win for all of us... I try to pay her for watching the kids but she straight out refuses, so I but her extra stuff throughout the year for birthday and Christmas. She always says I’m your mum you don’t pay for me, I pay for you.... and ‘ I’m not paying her to spend time with her grandchildren’ she’s very passionate about that bit. I don’t expect anything off of her and never will...she’s done her part, I wish she’d let me treat her though...

HungryHippo11 · 10/09/2021 22:30

I'm 30
My parents buy me birthday /Christmas presents and treat us to a meal out from time to time. If we go out for the day they might buy me an ice cream or coffee. They do buy bits and pieces for my daughters sometimes - just a few £ here and there.

However I do have friends whose parents/relatives have paid for cars, holidays, house extensions etc. My parents have never done that and I would never ask unless it was an absolute emergency.

CattyMcNips · 10/09/2021 22:38

My sibling and I had an allowance until we were early 30's, we both got money for weddings and house purchases (house money was given as a surprise at a late stage in the buying process and we'd have been able to purchase houses without it).

DH also got given a six figure sum but again, we were already establish home owners and it went towards our retirement.

TheChosenTwo · 10/09/2021 22:49

Hahaha no
To be fair my mum does buy me birthday and Christmas presents but that’s not financially helping me out although I suppose that it is a gift.
My dad doesn’t remembers to send me a birthday text, definitely no financial support etc from him although both parents always on hand to lend advice/moral support if ever I chose to ask so I’m grateful for that.
I have a friend with very wealthy parents, it’s just a different world really. Her parents are buying her a house because my friend is going through a divorce and otherwise she would have had to move into a smaller house than she wanted. Her parents pay for her holidays and a cleaner for her.
Another friends parents have always bought her kids school uniforms and school shoes.
Another friend has had her mortgage paid off.
While it would have made certain aspects of our life easier to have been given a financial leg up or a helping hand, I’m proud to say we have what we do because we’ve worked hard for it. Every nice thing I own or have done, every nice place I’ve been, everything really has come our way through our own doing. And that’s okay. It’s also okay when people are lucky to have been helped too.
I don’t begrudge my parents a single thing, they really struggled when we were young, my mum was left a single mother without a pot to piss in. She’s done bloody well for herself and I’m tremendously proud of her.

Iwantcollarbones · 10/09/2021 22:52

My dparents usually pay for us to join them on the family holiday every year. Not that we can’t afford it but they’ve always paid for us and they want to ensure we all go. They’d rather we paid for a meal whilst we are out there which is considerably less then the cost of the holiday. We have all worked since we were 16 and paid board whilst we lived at home because they wanted to get us used to having outgoings. They are always there if we ever need money for big purchases which we pay back. All inheritance will be going to the grandchildren as all of their children are self sufficient but they do like us to all holiday together once a year (all children and families).

AnneElliott · 10/09/2021 23:10

No, I don't accept anything from them - it would come with strings. But they're generous to DS.

KohlaParasanda · 10/09/2021 23:11

I'm not financially reliant on my parents, for they did a good job of making sure I was able to earn a decent living, but they're generous with cash gifts on birthdays for my siblings and me and their grandchildren and they always rush to pick up the bill when we have family meals out. They don't make grand gestures because they're not awash with money, they're just retired working class people who have lived within their means and saved a bit, and they take the view that whereas small things even themselves out over time, if they (say) bought one of us a car or contributed towards a house deposit they would have to do the same for all of us.

IamMummyhearmeROAR · 10/09/2021 23:23

I'm nearly 50. My dad slips me a tenner every month or so. I don't need it but I do appreciate it and will usually save it up and buy a nice bottle of gin that I can
say he bought me. He would always pay if we went out for lunch too. He's very generous within his means

BertieBob · 10/09/2021 23:27

Nope, not a penny. And I wouldn't expect them to either.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 10/09/2021 23:31

This month we've had £1000 from my mum and £2000 from dh's parents. The money from dh's parents was because they gave one of his siblings the same amount for something they needed. Across random payments/Christmas and birthdays they probably give us between £15000 and £25000 every year. My mum gave me £24000 last year as well. They also are very generous to their grandchildren.

Dh's pay for a family holiday (them, us, dh's siblings and families) every year. If we take my mum away, she wants to pay for everything.

Dh and his siblings all got deposits for houses. Think they gave us £50 000 and my parents gave me cash as well.

AreYouReally · 10/09/2021 23:36

@littlepieces

Lots of people I know have everything from bills to holidays paid for by their families. I'm fascinated by this and wondered how common it is? I'm 35 and my parents haven't given me a penny since the day I left home (which is of course totally fine) and they don't really do gifts.

One friend, 32; her parents' paid for her car, the insurance and maintenance when she was at uni, have continued to pay for this throughout her adult life, so she has a mode of transport and can visit them. Quite a few friends in late 20s and 30s still have their phone contracts paid for by parents too.

Another friend, 40, gets her credit card bill paid for by her mum each month, (£30-40) and if she needs furniture or something for her flat, 9 times out of 10 her mum just buys it for her. Her mum also gave her £5,000 to get her bathroom done.

A colleague, 31, (pre pandemic) regularly had holidays paid for by her parents/grandparents because she 'deserved a break', and we're talking big trips to Tanzania, Cuba, Thailand, etc.

I think it depends on your view about inheritance tax.

Umbongoumbongo999 · 10/09/2021 23:43

A bunch of flowers on my birthday and a box of after eights and a bottle of prosecco at Christmas.

My dad stopped birthday gifts etc at age 18. My mum helped my dsis out with rent payments and a car, and bought all her baby stuff when she had d nephew. I have always just sorted myself out. I've been fortunate to not need help, and our parents aren't really in a position to. I wouldn't feel right taking off them even if they could afford to.

MrsDThomas · 11/09/2021 08:53

No.

But months ago my dad told me he would give me £10k.

Still haven’t received it. Dont know if he changed his mind or forgotten. Not a subject i can pick on!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/09/2021 10:02

I well remember urging my elderly mother to spend her money and enjoy herself, but TBH although she had what she wanted, she didn’t actually want much at all. ‘I’m saving it for you lot,’ was the usual refrain.

IMO it’s not an uncommon as people get older and are so often less and less interested in ‘stuff’. I’m feeling more and more the same now I’m a fairly old bag myself.

Autumngoldleaf · 11/09/2021 10:03

Billy Joe

That's so incredibly frustrating... How awful. Its not that he doesn't want to give it to you it's just he's got the timing stuck in his head.
. Have you ever asked him for help?

QueenFreesia2021 · 11/09/2021 10:06

When my DM was alive, and before she started to suffer with dementia, she was very generous with my children. Since they were born she would often buy them clothes and give them pocket money every week.

She had a savings account that was used to give us money to buy a big bundle of clothes a few times per year.

DH’s parents pay for the children’s music lessons.

We’ve borrowed money from my IL’s to make big purchases - to save us paying interest on a loan. But never been given money - and nor would we ever ask or expect it.

So, yes in some respects but not the way some others describe or how you describe in your OP.

Auntienumber8 · 11/09/2021 10:20

No but I have a couple of friends who have been helped. One honestly must have had a minimum of 250k. Mortgage paid off and a cash gift of 100k. DH sis is helped a bit, she has always had a well paid job but is shit with money. She is currently staying with MIL most weekends due to business near where MIL lives. MIL was complaining to me yesterday as SIL is an incredibly difficult person. She also recently had a 16k loan from MIL. Bear in mind she was left all of FIL assets 3 years ago inc his house as she was his favourite. He was also incredibly difficult, I think he saw SIL as an extension of himself. Poor MIL was divorced years ago but they both bullied her and DH.

BillyJoe111 · 11/09/2021 10:32

@Autumngoldleaf

Billy Joe

That's so incredibly frustrating... How awful. Its not that he doesn't want to give it to you it's just he's got the timing stuck in his head.
. Have you ever asked him for help?

Yes, I’ve asked him once, we found somewhere to rent who would take us if we would pay 6 months rent in advance - we would have paid him the rent each month instead if he had loaned it. He wouldn’t help as he was saving it for after he’d gone.

Upshot of that was we had to move 120 miles. away to a place we could afford on dh wage with no benefit top ups, so we could have our choice of places to rent. Shot us all in the foot, but especially my dad who has deteriorated dramatically without us there with him.

But he just wouldn’t use any of his money.

BillyJoe111 · 11/09/2021 10:40

I’ve been thinking a lot about this overnight actually, especially as my dad is staying with us for a weekend as dh had to rush to get him at 6am yesterday after he had an episode.

There is such a balance to achieve in life with money.

We didn’t do anything when I was a child. No holidays, no days out, I had one change of clothes that wasn’t school uniform, food was basic and the minimum. All money was saved and hoarded for “the future”. The same money my dad is still sitting on now, the money that will now have to pay for his care when I just can’t do it anymore.

My husband is the same way. Not a penny spare (not that we have much), all to be saved. So our children never do anything (not as near as harsh as my life was though, I wouldn’t stand for that)… and it continues.

I’ve had a frank conversation this morning.

I don’t think its right to live a life i pursuit of saving money. What if I end up like my dad? Sitting on a load of cash but my kids have no good memories because every penny was squirrelled away instead of having a little enjoyment in life?

My dad has been nowhere, done nothing just to save every penny. It’s not a life.

Matilda82 · 11/09/2021 10:50

No, never had anything and don't expect it. I think is must be lovely to receive the occasional windfall and good on those who do. But, I find grown adults who have bills regularly paid for by their parents a bit weird. My friend earns £50k per year and her parents pay her mobile bill.

Do you still get financial help/treats from your parents?

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