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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
Doublechins · 03/09/2021 10:05

I get what you mean OP basically by her asking this it's becoming a commitment rather than just you DS asking his friend if he wants to grab a ride in with him on a morning. If it was me I would probably reply saying sure if were coming round for DS that morning DD is welcome to jump in then it's reinforcing the fact that your DH may not always be able to provide a lift and she needs a plan B.

Samcro · 03/09/2021 10:06

i wouldn't
but then I got bitten when giving a girl down the road a lift.
when I had to stop her dad just shouted at me.

daisypond · 03/09/2021 10:06

I would act in your son’s best interests. Perhaps put a time limit on it? If you think your son will be ready to go to school independently by, say, half term, perhaps you could say you will pick up the friend and sibling until then but no longer. And even if your son isn’t ready, your DH can still take him alone.

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Eddielzzard · 03/09/2021 10:06

Given the mum doesn't offer petrol or to take them occasionally I think she's landed firmly in CF land. I would say yes, but you got to take them at least half the time then, since she's got 2 kids going to your 1.

LillianGish · 03/09/2021 10:07

Giving him a lift suits us all much better - that being the case and if you are picking up the friend anyway I don’t see any problem taking the sister providing there is room in the car. You are driving past their street anyway so you do not have to go out of your way. Otherwise they could all just walk - presumably that’s what DS’s friend and his sister would do if you didn’t give them a lift.

MonsterKidz · 03/09/2021 10:07

I can see and understand your dilemma. I’d feel the same. The situation has changed from previous year when younger sister wasn’t at the same school. She is now.

I’d say nicely that when you’re giving son and friend a lift, she is more than welcome one too if she wants to. I would make the point that it won’t/can’t be everyday and that you’ll be dropping off a short walk from
school and they’ll need to make their own way from there. I would then make sure that you regularly don’t take them all. Make them walk on the odd occasion:

CharityDingle · 03/09/2021 10:08

Absolutely agree with the suggestion that it should become a case of taking turns. They do one week, your husband does the following week. Sounds like it's taken for granted, that the 'taxi service' will be provided.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/09/2021 10:09

What does your husband think?

RosesAndHellebores · 03/09/2021 10:09

Things like this are why I switched from a Zafira 7 seater to a Picasso 5 seater when my dc were small and I was a SAHM. And became more assertive "of course I can collect the boys from beavers next week, can you do it the week after please".

fairydust11 · 03/09/2021 10:10

Op - I can see how this is annoying. I think it is a cheek to ask, she isn’t your responsibility. Personally I would respond by saying now my son is going into year 8 he will mainly walk, but if on the odd occasion I do pick him up - if the sister is there at the time I’ll give her a lift. Which is a very vague response & I’m assuming something you would do - hopefully then the other mum may not rely on you to transport her children and find alternative arrangements.

Bryonyshcmyony · 03/09/2021 10:10

I'd say yes but they'd have to reciprocate occasionally.

NightDreaming · 03/09/2021 10:12

@Coolter272 I understand where you’re coming from. And when you said your DS’s friend’s mum was just at home anyway I was slightly surprised the other family hadn’t offered to take turns with lift.

I completely agree with @supermum87. You should definitely suggest every other week rotational system. The suggestion that it would help DH out with his work makes it’s an easy idea to raise.

Might be that once the sister has found herself friendship group that her school run logistics change anyway.

Good luck.

littlefireseverywhere · 03/09/2021 10:15

I totally get what you mean, it would change the dynamic. Also lets say your DH has a week off, or is ill, or needs to be in earlier therefore he won't be picking up the boys. Do you now need to inform the parent? All a bit full on I'd say.

I might be tempted to say, no that doesn't work for me!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/09/2021 10:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

littlefireseverywhere · 03/09/2021 10:16

Or you could suggest you do a week each! She can do the first week...

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/09/2021 10:17

how do they get home?

Beautiful3 · 03/09/2021 10:17

I don't know why so.many on here think you should! Where does it end? The sisters friend wants a lift too, you don't mind, do you?! Thry don't even offer petrol money! I would say I'd only take her if we can start taking turns taking them all to school, so one week each. Nothing wrong with that at all, everyone's contributing. If they say no and it gets awkward e.g. sister waiting with brother for a lift every time, I'd arrange for son to catch bus with them.

OhRene · 03/09/2021 10:18

I'm with you OP. I get it. You're son is getting his mate to go to school with him and now instead, it's turning into you providing a family's free transport services.
It does change the whole dynamic and just because one kid sourced his own ride with a pal, it doesn't automatically mean his sister can now tag along.

If it were my children (and it has been in similarish circumstances) I treat my children as separate beings. My eldest goes with her mates and my youngest daughter had to take a different option. Sometimes youngest will catch a ride with a passing friend. Sometimes I'll take eldest and pick her friends up but I'm not doing a bus route and picking up my DD's friends siblings!

Xiaoxiong · 03/09/2021 10:20

I would do it but they should do half the lifts, keep it strictly 50/50 (and not just petrol money either, that doesn't cover the cost of your time). The parents are total CFs.

PurpleAki · 03/09/2021 10:21

You're not being unreasonable AT ALL! You aren't responsible for their kids, you were already giving DS a lift and he likes to catch up with his friend so would do that out of courtesy. For your son's benefit.
Adding the sister into the mix is not for your son's benefit, in fact it's probably pretty much the opposite as I'd guess that both your son and his mate don't want her there, and you aren't indebted to this family. Not your responsibility at all!

spicychickenwing · 03/09/2021 10:21

I also find this bordering on cheeky. I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable.

There are a number of options. You could reply saying happy to run her in for the first week but DH shifts likely to change. Or ok- we can do mon wed fri are you ok to cover tues and thurs? (Knowing the expectation will be you do it all but call bluff). Or would you prefer alternate weeks? Or we will do three days can you sort a lift/taxi for the other two?

I would not want to become another families childcare or taxi service and be relied upon either. It is a pressure.

The thing about contact time between the boys i think you have to let go as if you push back on the lift for the girl they will probably make alternative arrangements for both.

OhRene · 03/09/2021 10:23

When youngest DD started high school she absolutely did not walk with her older sister. They get along just fine but they sorted out their own walking systems from day one. DD2 meets her first year pals on one street and DD1 meets her pals on another street. The only time my girls are together is when walking out of the front door at the same time.

AmelieLovesAutumn · 03/09/2021 10:23

I'm surprised, as she's supposedly your friend, you didn't think to say 'on the days we drive the boys to school, does Emma want a lift too?' As long as they're both ready and waiting for DH it's no problem, but on the days DH isn't going they'll all have to walk or hope you'll take them'

MiddleParking · 03/09/2021 10:23

What would annoy me about this is that they’re acknowledging the lifts as a regular enough occurrence to ask for their other child to be added into the arrangements, but not acknowledging it as enough of an arrangement for an offer of reciprocity (or, failing that, an explanation of why they’re not reciprocating). And it does change the dynamic if a younger girl who isn’t your DS’s friend is in the car with you responsible for her - it’s more like childcare provision, which I couldn’t be arsed with at that time in the morning (clearly neither can she, as she’s still in her PJs).

DespairingHomeowner · 03/09/2021 10:26

NRFT - can friend's mum drive?

Ask her to do 50% of the lifts (TBH thats a sweet deal as she has 2/3 of the kids) or you drive in & they do pickup - that's a lot fairer