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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/09/2021 09:21

you cant very well say no though

Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 09:24

This place is truly an alternate universe sometimes!

thoughtso we've been giving this friend daily lifts never had an offer back in return, never had an offer of petrol money, the friend actually doesn't even say thankyou (that's another thread). The mum is at home in her pjs. DH is doing this before he starts his long shifts. The mum then asks if we can start giving the sister a lift too and we're the ones with poor values?! We're the ones in the wrong for being reluctant to commit to it?!! You don't know me so to ask me to please not teach my DS my values is a horrible thing to say. You have no idea of the commitments and caring responsibilities I have in my life and of what I do for my loved ones on a daily basis.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 03/09/2021 09:25

giving his friend a lift in daily has been a kindness on our part

But it isn't really a "kindness" is it?

You DS has issues walking to school. (But you can't see why a younger girl would)

You are facilitating the lifts so that your DS can spend time with his friend in the mornings.

All of your actions are for your DS's benefit, and that's fair enough - but don't try sell it as your are doing the friend a massive kindness Hmm

You are passing the house, picking up one kid, why not the other? To me that seems unnecessarily petty. If you don't want to be tied into that arrangement all year - make it clear that it is a casual thing.
But as someone else said, you are already inserting yourself into their family.

Why not arrange to take turns for a week?

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bonbonours · 03/09/2021 09:26

Another one here who can't see why you wouldn't unless the younger child will make you late, be unpleasant or something else. It's literally no extra effort to take her.
Plus if she's just started she might be nervous and not have her own friends yet. Have some compassion!
My 13 year old took her 11 year old brother to school his first day even though she didn't have to go. It's called being supportive.

Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 09:27

supermum87 I think this is what we'll do. Thankyou.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 03/09/2021 09:27

Does your DH drop them off then go on to work, or does he come back home first? If he's continuing on to work, and he'd be taking your own son anyway, he's not going out of his way so why not?

Odisia · 03/09/2021 09:28

Given your latest update I think you should stop giving the boy a lift. You clearly grudge doing so, yet your DH is passing where they live anyway as you said in a previous post. It's not a formal arrangement and I wouldn't expect to be offered petrol money in this situation.

Beamur · 03/09/2021 09:28

You're overthinking this.
You say it's on the way to work for DH? So it's not any more trouble for him to pick up these kids. Sure, you don't want to create a presumption and I would hope that the parents on the receiving end of the favour are grateful.
The girl is just starting high school and probably nervous. Mum is probably keen to make it as easy as possible for her by getting accompanied by her brother at first.
If you want to avoid the texts in the morning you could do what a friend of mine does. She takes her kids to school and has a standing arrangement that she will take a neighbours kid but only if they are waiting in a designated spot by the road at a specific time. If the kid isn't there she doesn't stop. No texts. She lets the other family know if she's on holiday etc. Nice and simple.

UserOfManyNames · 03/09/2021 09:28

Do the parents of your DS’s friend have a car and the ability to get their own DC to school? You mentioned about the mother getting her arse up to take them so I’m assuming they do and are seeing you as a bit of a mug Grin.

There’s no way I would expect my DS’s friends Dad to give my daughter a lift too. That is absolute cheeky fuckery. If it was offered, I’d only accept if my DS was OK with it. Younger sisters can be embarrassing and could make them late etc, but otherwise I’d be taking her myself if it was too long to walk and I’d be grateful my DS was getting a lift from another kind parent.

The parent has put you a very tricky position and I’d have to say No. You’re happy to take her brother but the responsibility is too much to take them both everyday unless it is reciprocated, one week on, one week off perhaps.

FawnFrenchieMum · 03/09/2021 09:30

I’d go back with something like, I don’t mind her tagging along when we’re dropping DS off but it won’t be every day just as and when. I assume once she’s starts and makes friends she will make her own arrangements soon enough anyway.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/09/2021 09:30

Having read a bit more I'd say no too.

Flamglimglubberty · 03/09/2021 09:31

I can see why you're reluctant. At the moment it's a casual arrangement, and if for any reason you can't give the lift then the kids still have each other to walk to school with.

By agreeing to take the sibling, it kind of formalises it, and it becomes an expectation. If you or DP are unable to do it one day you've then got the burden of letting down the sibling who has to make their own way to school.

I guess I'd agree to it but make it clear it's not every day and shouldn't be relied on? Just say something like "if we're picking up X then of course Y can hop in too, we won't be able to guarantee the lift everyday though we'll just be playing it by ear each day. If you'd rather Y makes their own arrangements that's fine, if it's raining Y is welcome to tag along"

I'd feel uneasy about it too, on the surface it seems like a perfectly reasonable request, but I can see it very quickly becoming an expectation and causing you additional and unnecessary stress.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 09:34

You speak quite disparagingly of the mum who is supposedly a friend of yours

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 03/09/2021 09:34

@Coolter272

This place is truly an alternate universe sometimes!

thoughtso we've been giving this friend daily lifts never had an offer back in return, never had an offer of petrol money, the friend actually doesn't even say thankyou (that's another thread). The mum is at home in her pjs. DH is doing this before he starts his long shifts. The mum then asks if we can start giving the sister a lift too and we're the ones with poor values?! We're the ones in the wrong for being reluctant to commit to it?!! You don't know me so to ask me to please not teach my DS my values is a horrible thing to say. You have no idea of the commitments and caring responsibilities I have in my life and of what I do for my loved ones on a daily basis.

If I was the other mum I would be appreciative that I was in my pj’s not going to work and someone drove one or both of my children to school for free on their way to work, I would be thanking them every day and also offering petrol money!
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/09/2021 09:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FlatteredFool · 03/09/2021 09:35

How far away is the school and how do they get home?

Billandben444 · 03/09/2021 09:36

Having initially agreed with 'give her a lift you mean mare', now I've read all the responses, I've changed my mind. The other parents could have said that they don't want her walking to school on her own so, until she finds friends to walk with, he'll be walking with his sister now but thank you for giving him a lift in the past. Then you could have either offered to take her as well (your choice) or said 'let me know when she's OK and we could go back to taking little Jimmy'. That moment has passed so I would talk to the mum and be honest about how it works for the 2 boys chatting and, where you don't mind taking her as a one off, you'd prefer not to change the arrangement. Sound as though you care about how she'll get to school (though it's nothing to do with you) and then see what she says. If push comes to shove then your son could spend time with him at the weekend?

ssd · 03/09/2021 09:37

Id be honest with the other mum, she seems blunt enough to take it.

Boombadoom · 03/09/2021 09:38

Just reply and say ‘of course, on the days we are providing transport we wouldn’t leave her to make her own way, but I can’t commit to it being a daily arrangement, it’ll still be casual like before :-)’

icelollycraving · 03/09/2021 09:38

Can you each do a few days each? It’s not a huge kindness on your part, it’s for your ds’s benefit. If your son is nervous walking, maybe this girl is too?
I understand the feeling like you’re being put out and the friend not saying thank you is irritating. Try it for first half term?

Frannibananni · 03/09/2021 09:38

If it really bothers you ask to alternate the drop offs with her.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 03/09/2021 09:39

I don't blame the Op for not wanting to commit to giving lifts everyday....what happens when Op's son is ill or on holiday....Op will still feel responsible for getting her friends children to school...these things start off as a casual favour and then become an expectation.

Berthatydfil · 03/09/2021 09:39

Can you say to her
As you know we started driving ds to school due to “ reason” (whatever that might be) - and obviously with him being mates with X it wasn’t a problem.
To be honest we are planning on cutting down on this as we really want ds to be confident getting to and from school under his own steam and it adds an extra (time) to husbands day as it’s not really on his way to work etc.
I wouldn’t want you to start relying on us for this as I can’t promise that it’s something we are going to do every day going forward also if sib comes with us she’s going to miss out on the chance to get to know her new classmates etc on her way to school which might be sn issue when we stop. So I think the best thing is to leave it as it is for now.

BitterTits · 03/09/2021 09:40

Well you need to stop the casual arrangement altogether. If it's not ok for Year 8 boys to walk to school because of a horrible experience, it isn't ok for a Year 7 girl either. If you want to make an issue of this, stop offering lifts at all so the other family can make their own arrangements. Don't expect lifts from them either.

twilightermummy · 03/09/2021 09:45

I’m not sure why you bothered asking mumsnet as you clearly only wanted to hear one answer.

I’d take the sister. I’m sure as time goes on she’ll make her own friends to walk with after drop off. I think you’re mostly uncomfortable with the whole situation of being depended upon to give lifts. That is fine so you need to work out how to change that. However, if you do continue to give lifts, imo you’re unreasonable to not also take the girl. It makes no difference as far as I can tell.