Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

[Coolter272]

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

I can see why you feel abit funny about this. You have been roped into giving 2 kids that are not yours daily lifts to school. No offer of sharing the load by a week each. Seems like mum has found a way to avoid the school run herself.

How does they get home from school? Is the other mum providing lifts?

@Eddielzzard

Given the mum doesn't offer petrol or to take them occasionally I think she's landed firmly in CF land. I would say yes, but you got to take them at least half the time then, since she's got 2 kids going to your 1.

She was taking turns when it was 'a school run', but when OP's DH started taking him/then as he was going past anyway, things changed. What on Earth is the point in driving a second car to drop the kids off, when one car is going anyway. It takes no more petrol for the OP's DH to drop the kids off on his way to work he'd be going anyway

I disagree with most. Fine to give an occasional lift, if it's convenient to you, but I wouldn't want to be 'bound to an agreement', ie them expecting it, and say possibly phoning you if you didn't turn up.

@Thatsplentyjack - its not funny, I previously was of the "it's nice to be nice" school. I've had years of doing favours - odd babysitting, lifts to hospital, picking up shopping.

But when I was in the position of actually needing help - and not one of them stepped up, they did a startled crab sideways movement at the slightest suggestion.

Funnily enough it was only the ones who were always considerate in the first place who were actually much valued support and now my cheeky fucker chancer radar is much, much better.

What would be happening if you weren’t giving the boy a lift? If he would be walking his younger sister to school every day, obviously you are being unreasonable taking one but not the other. That’s not doing a favour for the other parents that’s actually making their life harder.

I understand you feeling used, to an extent, and I definitely understand you not wanting it to become an expectation. At the same time, if they’d been happy with him walking and didn’t actually ask or require the initial lifts, you can’t really complain about being put upon. It’s entirely your own choice. I think just say yes to taking the sister if you are already driving, but remind them it’s not something you can commit to every day.

I personally would keep the siblings together if they were my kids, I’d ensure they both go to school and come back together. Mates are all fine and dandy for within school but the commute should be done with your sibling if you’re living in the same house!

I know that doesn’t answer your dilemma lol

This post to me is all about having to take responsibility for the other child. Presumably you and your child know the other child better and it’s easier to deal with any issues that might come up because of that. I would be wary of taking responsibility for getting another family to school without any help coming your way, even if it means not dropping off the other child. Good opportunity to make the arrangement more even but I agree if your car won’t start/ someone is sick/ covid issues etc you will need to in the middle of things get in touch with another family to explain why you aren’t able to come, who may well feel put out as you have become their transportation

They should make their own way. Get a bus. I never started that, because then it just becomes an expectation.

I agree with supermum, why not use this as an opportunity to suggest splitting the lifts equally.

Also I’d make it clear you don’t know how long DH will be able to continue anyway as it depends on his shifts.

What you can’t do IMO is say you will take the DS but not the DD.

I’d say it’s a casual thing but they will have to sort themselves out if you can’t make it

And you are not her friend (which you said you were in your first post) if you're on here bitching about her still being in her pyjamas when your DH picks her son up.

Just stop the arrangement and either let your son walk to school with his friend or his dad drops him off alone.

@Chickychickydodah

I’d say it’s a casual thing but they will have to sort themselves out if you can’t make it

Yep this is what I would say.

I can see both sides. I would feel obliged to take the sister too, but years ago df took me to school by car, and also gave a lift to my friend. Then one summer the friend’s dm asked if df could give a lift to another girl in the same road, a girl a couple of years below whom we didn’t know, but the dm was friends with my friend’s dm.

Well, after a week df was going potty because this girl was always late, making us all late, including df for work. Even after asking her to be on time, she was still late, so I told the girl she now had to make her own way. Dm or df would never have done it, and my friend said her dm couldn’t offend the girl’s dm. I still feel mean about it; in fact it’s just about the only time in my life I have been assertive!

We've got our own arrangements for DS, giving his friend a lift in daily has been a kindness on our part.

Your reasons for giving his friend a lift were not altruistic, you did it purely because YOU wanted YOUR ds to see his friend in the mornings.

Picking up the sibling too is not going to make any difference to the arrangements other than changing the "dynamic" as your ds doesn't get the 15 minutes of "quality time" you have engineered for him with his friend every morning under the guise of giving him a lift.

tbh it sounds a bit precious and controlling of his friendship.

If you don't want to give a lift don't give a lift to either, otherwise it would be petty not to give a lift to the sibling.

I've been burned so many times now by offering to help occasionally. I swear to god it only takes two instances in a row for it to become an expectation.

I used to have children who lived near us coming up to me after Brownies or whatever club it was and saying, "Mum said we've told come home with you" and clambering into my car. I actually stopped giving my own children a lift because the CFery made me dig my heels in. (Plus my kids really didn't like those children and told me they weren't coming if they did)

"Be kind" my arse!

A fellow school mum would occasionally offer to drive another's child to school. Occasionally turned into every day expectation. One morning she phoned the other mum and said, "Little Bob is poorly so we're not going to school today."
The other kids mum asked if she was still taking her son though. Of course the mum said no, and the CFer told her that it wasn't on, she was letting her down and said that she should leave her (poorly) kid and still drop her boy off.

That was the last time the boy was ever given a lift. And that was the last mum CF could find as she'd already pissed everyone else off.

Why don't you speak up though? If your DH is driving that way anyway it makes sense for him to take them and for the other Mum to pick them up. I get why you're annoyed, they have just assumed your DH is now doing it and they are not grateful or responding with helping you out in any way. That is rubbish, especially if there has not been a conversation before the start of term and she just opened the door with sibling in tow. Why don't you make the arrangement formal in a way that you are happy. Your DH drives them in she collects. Or you take it in turns. Or she does something else?

What would be happening if you weren’t giving the boy a lift?

OP answered that in saying that the mum then hassles her with "How will they get to school?"

It's why suggestions about taking turns probably won't work; the expectation's there now, and if that's tried I guarantee there'll be "sudden emergencies" which mean the other parents can't do it

Sorry I can't reply to all the questions but here's a few general answers:

-Yes the other parents drive
-DS and his friend do their own thing after school. Sometimes walk together, sometimes walk part of the way with other friends and sometimes I pick DS or both of them up.
-DS was badly beaten up whilst walking to school last year by a boy in his year group. He's done so well at picking himself back up from this, has no problems being in school or walking home (this boy doesn't walk home) but the walk to school, is understandably still difficult for him. He's building up his confidence gradually and is now happy to do the last 15 minutes with his friend.

Odisia the pj comment was me adding context to my reply to a PP who questioned my values. This isn't a mum who's just come off a night shift or someone with disabilities. This is a mum who is at home, in her pjs, perfectly capable of getting both her DC to school. I am her friend, me adding some extra information in order for people to understand the situation doesn't negate that.

My three have been so excited all summer about walking together after five years of different start times/ directions. They even posed for photos. I expect them to drift back separately from their respective schools. The boy might want to walk / go by car with his sister.

The cf one sided responsibility though I would address either with a lift rota or them just walking more.

Seemssounfair oh fuck off! I'm not precious or controlling. My son was beaten up and finds the car ride with his mate a nice distraction that's all. It works both ways. His mate gets a lift every morning, the mum doesn't need to pay for a bus, for petrol or get up and dressed early and DS goes to school feeling a little bit safer.

But the issue is that you haven't minded your DH giving the boy a lift, because that benefits your son. It's only now that you do, because you don't want the girl to tag along as that changes the dynamic.

It's understandable that the other mum would ask if the girl can have a lift too if there's space in the car. You are free to say no.

Ultimately you're using her son as much as you think she is using you for free lifts.

As suggested with taking turns different weeks. Say that as both her kids now st high school that you need to take turns to do the lifts.
Sister may well find people she wants to walk with in time anyway.
I'd also say "don't you want to take her yourself for her first day of high school?"
I'm all for helping out and would take the sister as well - but think mum is taking the piss by never offering to take her turn!

The whole arrangement sounds like it's become a bit of a chore now. With the addition of the younger sister, it just doesn't work anymore.

Stop taking the boy and then he can walk with his younger sister to school. But if you do occasionally give a lift, give it to both of them. Giving a lift to the boy by himself is not helpful to his parents anymore, it's a pain because then his sister is left by herself.

@Coolter272

Seemssounfair oh fuck off! I'm not precious or controlling. My son was beaten up and finds the car ride with his mate a nice distraction that's all. It works both ways. His mate gets a lift every morning, the mum doesn't need to pay for a bus, for petrol or get up and dressed early and DS goes to school feeling a little bit safer.

But having the boys sister in the car will make zero difference to that.

Thanks again for people who have replied saying they understand and to those you have replied disagreeing with me but haven't been unkind about it. I appreciate your opinions.