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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/09/2021 09:47

I think the sister being added has simply made you realise how unhappy you are with the current arrangement with the friend and the expectation she has placed on you

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2021 09:47

We've been giving this friend daily lifts never had an offer back in return, never had an offer of petrol money, the friend actually doesn't even say thankyou

This is what what would bug me - plus that she hassled you on the odd occasions you couldn't do it with "How are they getting to school?" as if that's somehow your problem

I'm with Supermum in suggesting you take turns; they won't of course, so that's when you kill it stone dead. Either that or just use the old MN phrase "It's not working for me"

Whycantibetangy · 03/09/2021 09:48

Just reply with ‘to be honest, its your turn to do lifts this year, I will make sure X is ready to be picked up at 8:00, hope Z enjoys secondary, they are growing up so fast’

Send that and prepare for last minute emergency lift for your ds (as friend didnt show up to collect him). Then get him booked in for the school bus, or show him the cycle route etc.

As you said earlier, you are not a school transport service

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Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 09:51

Thanks to the people who understand where I'm coming from. Sorry I haven't got time to reply to everyone.

Some of these replies are ridiculous

BitterTits I've never expected and will never expect a lift for DS off anyone. We've always got him to and from school ourselves.

If it's not ok for Year 8 boys to walk to school because of a horrible experience, it isn't ok for a Year 7 girl either why is this year 7 girl our responsibility?! Surely that's for her mum to decide!

OP posts:
dottydodah · 03/09/2021 09:51

TBH I think they are being a pair of CF ! Why is the Mum still in her PJs FFS. Its one thing to take the friend of DS ,quite another for the Sister as well! Why on earth dont they offer petrol money or to drive as well. Just say its not really working for us and leave it at that

Peanutsandchilli · 03/09/2021 09:52

I'd take both or neither. It's a bit mean to leave the younger one behind if you're taking the older one.

Iwanttobeapaperbackwriter · 03/09/2021 09:53

@Billandben444

Having initially agreed with 'give her a lift you mean mare', now I've read all the responses, I've changed my mind. The other parents could have said that they don't want her walking to school on her own so, until she finds friends to walk with, he'll be walking with his sister now but thank you for giving him a lift in the past. Then you could have either offered to take her as well (your choice) or said 'let me know when she's OK and we could go back to taking little Jimmy'. That moment has passed so I would talk to the mum and be honest about how it works for the 2 boys chatting and, where you don't mind taking her as a one off, you'd prefer not to change the arrangement. Sound as though you care about how she'll get to school (though it's nothing to do with you) and then see what she says. If push comes to shove then your son could spend time with him at the weekend?
This, I can't believe that there are posters saying be kind or saying you have no values.

Plus there is a difference between a casual offer and a commitment.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 09:53

I can see why it bothers you OP. It is cheeky. You are already chucking their son a lift, seemingly for little or no thanks, and they want more. I think suggesting taking it in turns is a good idea.

I was otherwise going to suggest asking your DS how he feels about it as he is the one affected by the dynamics and tagging along. If he's not keen you could just say your DH takes the boys as DS likes his friend with him but if you want to sort out lifts for both children it's probably fair to alternate.

It is treating your DH like a taxi

HermioneKipper · 03/09/2021 09:54

@Cameila

The girl is only 11, just starting secondary, probably feeling lost, hasn’t made any friends to go with yet. I’m sure things will change in a few months like it does with all kids. I’m remembering when my DD started secondary and needed to take the train (six minutes ride) every day. It would’ve been lovely having an older sibling going along. Within a few months she had found friends and figured things out. I’m sorry but I just can’t see your point of view, I would rather help out a little girl than think of my DS’s 15 mins of companionship on the way to school. These are little things that build children’s character – learning to give up small things to help others out.
Why is it OPs problem to sort out this girl getting to and from school though? That’s down to her own parents

I’d say keep it casual OP - say you can’t commit to anything and will keep the arrangement that if your husband happens to go past the boys he will get them etc

Original poster
Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 09:54

twilightermummy not at all, I'm actually listening to all the replies, some people have made very good points, I don't expect everyone to understand where I'm coming from or to agree with how I'm feeling. I've simply defended myself against some of the more ridiculous responses.

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 03/09/2021 09:54

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I can see why it bothers you OP. It is cheeky. You are already chucking their son a lift, seemingly for little or no thanks, and they want more. I think suggesting taking it in turns is a good idea.

I was otherwise going to suggest asking your DS how he feels about it as he is the one affected by the dynamics and tagging along. If he's not keen you could just say your DH takes the boys as DS likes his friend with him but if you want to sort out lifts for both children it's probably fair to alternate.

It is treating your DH like a taxi

THIS
GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 09:55

They get dropped about a 15 minute walk away from school so the sister will then be tagging along instead of making arrangements with her own friends.
That's not your business, really, and will presumably happen however the siblings are transported, if the mum wants them to travel together.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 03/09/2021 09:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnnPerkins · 03/09/2021 09:56

Whatever the original circumstances, the other parents have been taking the arrangement for granted and are now expecting more without offering anything in return.

supermum87's advice makes sense. It will start a conversation about what the other family are willing/not willing to do to contribute to the arrangement and you can then decide whether to continue or not.

I've always been reluctant to get into these informal commitments. What happens if the driver's child is ill? Does the other child just have to make other arrangements at short notice? Do you have to arrange your life/appointments etc around another family? It sounds too stressful and complicated for me.

Lalliella · 03/09/2021 09:56

@Coolter272

Cameila actually if I was the other parent I would absolutely not ask for the sister to have a lift. I'd treat them as individuals. My son gets a lift in with his best mate, my daughter needs to decide how she wants to get to school whether that's walking in with a friend, me getting my arse up and out and driving her or me paying for the school bus.
Is your daughter at a different school?
MrsToadflax · 03/09/2021 09:57

I wouldn't get into a long term commitment. Agree with the pp who said you should say about trying to get DS walking again (could he cycle?). Otherwise i'd definitely say 'Let's set-up a rota - one week on, one week off...' If she says no then I wouldn't be giving lifts anymore. It has to be fair, not all on your shoulders, while she sits round in her pjs!

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:58

Personally I wouldn't want to pick someone else's kid up every single day for school.

However, since your DH is already collecting a child from the same house, I don't see how you can say no without cancelling the whole arrangement for both of them.

Which I would be tempted to do tbh as it becomes awkward when you can't do it one day for whatever reason.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/09/2021 09:58

All very odd. It’s quite unclear because in places you talk about why it’s good for your son to have his friend there so it seems you’re doing it for you/him. But then you sound aggrieved in other posts that you’re doing this huge favour for the boy and his mum. It seems to me like you want to take the friend of your son for the benefit of your family, not taking his sister tips it too far into doing a favour for others so what you basically want is to be able to pluck the friend out in isolation and use him for the benefit of your son, without the added inconvenience/complication that comes with him having a sister going to the same destination.

The dynamic of the arrangements has changed now that there are two siblings from the same family going to the school - get over it. Either stop giving lifts to anyone if it’s all a favour for them and you resent it, or accept and acknowledge that the benefit your son gets is worth taking the sister along too.

Tbh it sounds like you’re just pissed that the benefit your son gets from his friend is going to be affected by the sister’s presence so you just want things to carry on as they are but the reality is that the friends sister starting his school changes things and you can’t just see the boy in isolation now. Just decide what you actually want to happen and offer that arrangement to the mum - it’s up to her what she decides to do then. If you don’t want to do any lifts just say so and she can sort out both her own kids. But be warned that you will come across as quite petty and just not great if you say that you’re happy to carry on taking her son because it benefits yours but only if it’s him on his own because that makes the experience enjoyable for your son Confused

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 03/09/2021 10:00

@Coolter272

As I said, I'm not sure why I don't want to do it. I suppose it feels like a change from a casual arrangement to providing transport for them. DS isn't friends with the sister, it'll change the dynamic in the car. They get dropped about a 15 minute walk away from school so the sister will then be tagging along instead of making arrangements with her own friends.
DD2 has actually offered to walk DS2 to school when he starts next year. This is partly to do with his anxiety about not having me with him and partly because none of us are absolutely sure he'll make it to school, as he has ADHD.
Row1n · 03/09/2021 10:00

I would agree to help but make it clear that your dhs shift could change again, and also that you are hoping your ds will build up confidence to walk to school again soon so things may change and it wont be a permanent solution

GintyMcGinty · 03/09/2021 10:02

If you don't mind giving one a lift you can hardly leave the other behind.

olidora63 · 03/09/2021 10:02

I really wouldn’t have a problem with that . Just remind the parents that you giving lifts every day is not set in stone.

ChevreChase · 03/09/2021 10:03

Could you not just leave this up to your DH to decide how he feels, as he's the one doing the lifts?

It's not something I would personally want to do, as I am generally quite chaotic in the morning, and would not want someone to be relying on me as a set arrangement! But clearly lots of people do this, and if (only if) your DH is happy to, and the children want to, why not stay out of it and let them sort it out themselves.

illuyankas · 03/09/2021 10:04

If picking up one child anyway, I think there is nothing wrong in picking up their sibling too, if you have space in the car.
But I would make sure that it's not an permanent arrangement so there are times I wouldn't for whatever reason.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 10:05

@Timeforabiscuit

Sometimes I wonder if there are two tribes on mumsnet, one that is nothing but a pollyanna like world and then the one where I live- why on earth would you pick up two extra people who aren't you're responsibility to be fucking nice?!?

Nice can sod off and take a drop kick, your taking the eldest as their mates - would you do it for anything else?

And then there's the third "tribe" that are so overly dramatic, it's quite funny. It is OK to do things for other people sometimes. I know the general rule on MN is to tell anyone that asks for a slight favour to fuck off and never have any Co tact with them again for being so cheeky as to ask for a favour, but in the reel world that not generally how it works.