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Original poster

Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

416 replies

Coolter272 · 03/09/2021 08:36

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

OP posts:
Vanilli1978 · 04/09/2021 20:19

The friends parent/carer should have their own transport arrangements for getting their children to school..an occasional lift from you should be a bonus..not expected..you are not responsible for their transport to school.

Barrequeen · 04/09/2021 20:47

Hang on a minute, I have been this person and done this for months on end last school year. Yes starts off fine but after months of rushing around and being the good person helping out it finally got right on my nerves by the end of term. My view is help people out when you can but don’t start to have people relying on you every day. People should sort out their childcare, I would never dream of allowing someone the extra burden of taking my kids to school. It’s my responsibility..

threatmatrix · 04/09/2021 20:52

Just say you can do it for the moment but circumstances may change.

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ElleMac44 · 04/09/2021 20:59

You'll probably find once the sister has settled she will want to meet her own friends to go to school, just pick her up, you're taking your son it makes no difference really. It's the right and kind thing to do.

FannyMorgan · 04/09/2021 21:16

She's a CF 100%

FannyMorgan · 04/09/2021 21:29

I typed a full comment but it just didn't load. Oops.

I've been in a similar situation to you OP and I'm with you 100%

My DS is on a team, a boy on the team lives a few streets from us and his mum's car got written off last summer so she asked if I could give him a lift to and from training once. I didn't mind at all.

She then promised the favour would be returned once she got a new car and started asking me regularly, it became a weekly thing to training THEN it also became a weekly thing to tournaments but for the tournament's I was taking the boy, his mum and the older sibling.

A few months passed and I asked if she'd found a car yet and her response was "no, I've decided I won't be getting another car because I've saved so much money by not having one as other people take the kids to all of their clubs, and to school, and I get a lift once a week to do my weekly shop with a neighbour. So I don't need a car and it's just a waste of money." Hmm

The boy and my DS weren't friends. Me and the mum weren't friends. We just happened to live close-by.

The boy then started joining holiday clubs that my DS was doing because they knew he had a free lift. One day, my son didn't go to the holiday club as he started puking very last minute, so I messaged the mum to tell her and I was still expected to give the boy a lift - I did, because I felt guilty that it was so last minute but she then asked me to go back to pick him up at the end of the day!! I said no to that! CF!

My other son has just started other committments at the same time as training so I won't be driving to training from home or returning home after the session which was a perfect excuse to get out of it.

It started as a friendly favour, but after over a year and no thanks I have 100% completely had enough. The boy is so cheeky in the car, swears like a trooper and is so disrespectful; plus it made me feel so tied - I couldn't just nip to the shop or stop by to visit family as we passed on route or on the way home.

Totally different circumstances, but a similar situation with a CF mother. Whatever you do, be careful. Ha!

goingtotown · 04/09/2021 21:32

How would the friend & sister get to school if you didn’t take them?

MummytoGeorgie · 04/09/2021 22:14

@Coolter272 lol I can't even believe how many replies there are on this thread 🤣
I swear to god most people on this forum just try their hardest to p I s s people off. It's like a game. "Ooo what has she said? Let's go against her at all times".
I'm with you OP - I think it's rude the mum even asked. Like just assuming you're going to now take her other child to school. I'd make sure she also did her fair share of taking them too so it's not all on you OR let both her kids make their own way to school. Some people are so cheeky. Like what are you? the school bus 🤣 sooo annoying but I wouldn't do it.

MummytoGeorgie · 04/09/2021 22:15

@goingtotown that's not the @Coolter272 OPS problem. Perhaps the mum of these two children needs to be less lazy and take her own kids to school. 🤣 god give me strength

gospelsinger · 04/09/2021 23:09

Maybe this is a good opportunity to get ds back into the habit of walking.

skyisblue21 · 04/09/2021 23:14

How far is this school that you drive them there but still drop them off 15 minute walk away from the school???
Pick the sister up. Why are you worrying about the dynamics, she's not a complete stranger, it's his friends sister, we all had to at one point tag along with our older siblings, we or they didn't die from it. Stop making nothing in to a issue. It's quite sad at this age something so minor is making you need to write a post about it.

Maddison12 · 04/09/2021 23:53

@Coolter272

This place is truly an alternate universe sometimes!

thoughtso we've been giving this friend daily lifts never had an offer back in return, never had an offer of petrol money, the friend actually doesn't even say thankyou (that's another thread). The mum is at home in her pjs. DH is doing this before he starts his long shifts. The mum then asks if we can start giving the sister a lift too and we're the ones with poor values?! We're the ones in the wrong for being reluctant to commit to it?!! You don't know me so to ask me to please not teach my DS my values is a horrible thing to say. You have no idea of the commitments and caring responsibilities I have in my life and of what I do for my loved ones on a daily basis.

So the mum wants you to take her daughter now as well? But won't return the favour and can't give you so much as a thank you? Nah. What next Tom, Dick and Harry asking you to take their kid also as 'you're going anyway.' Fuck that OP.
LoisLane66 · 05/09/2021 03:13

I learned to say no. Found it difficult not to give made-up excuses but in the long run it was better to simply be honest. If friend's mum is in her PhD every morning and says it's not possible for her to take turns taking the children, I'd say, "I'm sorry, this isn't working for me and our family any more and it's getting to feel as if it's a given and not an occasional favour do we'll not be picking up X any more"

LoisLane66 · 05/09/2021 03:14

Sorry. in her pjs. 😄

LoisLane66 · 05/09/2021 03:26

@FannyMorgan
I can hardly believe you carried on giving lifts to a rude, potty-mouthed lad for over a year. Not even a friend of your son or the son of a friend of yours.
Obviously, I believe you but cannot understand your reluctance to say, "No, it was just a one off offer, sorry".
As for the boy and his language, one trip would have put paid to that. You have to learn to be firm but not to give reasons. You owe them nothing.

Mumofsons87 · 05/09/2021 07:41

How does your husband feel about dropping the children?
So regardless of the thankless son and any dynamics in the car or rude parents here are the options that I foresee.

  1. your husband drives your son and they essentially pass by the brother and sister walking to school. (Bit awkward)
  2. your husband drops the two boys and the daughter essentially has to leave earlier to walk to school and again your husband and the girls brother pass by in the car ( very awkward) 3)your husband drives alone and passes everybody (awkward if it's raining)
  3. your husband drives all three children (not awkward but a bit annoying and if they weren't ready standing at the pavement I wouldn't stop for them and just presume they aren't going to school but I absolutely detest waiting for people )

Maybe you would feel better if the other mum did the pick up every day? That would be very fair.
Are you or the other mum working?
I'm also a person who enjoys doing things for people but HATES when people ask me to do stuff like they think I'm a soft touch or something.

frazzledasarock · 05/09/2021 08:47

OP not her husband should feel awkward driving past anyone walking.

It’s the neighbours choice to send their DC walking to school. If their own parents don’t mind them walking to school. It has nothing to do with OP.

I see numerous kids in my kids school uniform walking towards school when DH drives our kids to school, I’ve never felt awkward or embarrassed driving past them.

frazzledasarock · 05/09/2021 08:47

Neither OP nor her DH

rainbowstardrops · 05/09/2021 09:11

Blimey, some of the replies on here are so nasty! Would you speak to someone so unkindly in real life? If so, I'm bloody glad I don't have friends like some of you!

Anyway @Coolter272, your friend is really cheeky to think her DD can tag along too. If she'd offered to take it in turns then fair enough but it's bloody out of order to expect you guys to do it constantly.
Either suggest taking turns or just say that DH can't commit to lifts every day this year.

Sorry your son was beaten up too. That must have been an awful experience for him.

FannyMorgan · 05/09/2021 09:17

@LoisLane66 I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
I was far too soft and thought it was a short-term thing. Then I felt so guilty to say no because I was passing the house anyway and it wasn't too much of a big deal if it meant the boy got there on time, it's only a small team at training.

My DS and the other boy get on, but they aren't "friends" - they don't hang around with eachother or have loads in common.

I'm a big pussy push-over Blush BUT I've learnt my lesson and definitely grown a back bone to not be in the future for anyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2021 09:28

That is an awful piss take. If I’m reading this correctly, you have recently stopped all lifts @FannyMorgan?

Mollymoostoo · 05/09/2021 09:31

@Timeforabiscuit

Sometimes I wonder if there are two tribes on mumsnet, one that is nothing but a pollyanna like world and then the one where I live- why on earth would you pick up two extra people who aren't you're responsibility to be fucking nice?!?

Nice can sod off and take a drop kick, your taking the eldest as their mates - would you do it for anything else?

I agree, the other mum is taking the proverbial. I wouldn't dream of even asking this, it is my responsibility to get my kids to school unless I am paying for childcare. This isn't about being 'nice' imaging if there was a car accident, you would be held accountable.
Maximum71 · 05/09/2021 09:37

@Coolter272
I understand how you feel, from being a nice neighbour and letting an extra child drive with you - it's now being turned into a commitment.
Possibly mention that it feels like too much of a commitment to the mum and about the changing dynamic in the car and see if she can find a new lift for her daughter - if she can't take her herself ?
If the daughter is starting in group 7 then she needs to build her network up first.

bobblebeebob · 05/09/2021 09:59

My walk to school was 1.5 miles each way. I did it there and back for 5 years

Never, ever did I walk with younger sis. Maybe her first day but after that the kid was on her own. She had her mates, i had mine.

I suspect the same will happen here too

Why dont you tell everyone that this is a temporary arrangement and after half term the boys (and girl) can make their own way to school because they need their independence. Learn about time keeping. Getting exercise too. Plus you are not responsible for somebody else's kids eaxh morning and making unnecessary short car journeys

Unless theres a hurricane, let them go

Datsandcogs · 05/09/2021 10:11

It would seem the other Mum is assuming a lot.

How about responding, “Of course! How about we do Tuesday, Thursday and you do Monday, Wednesday, Friday? Or would different days be better?”

After all she will have 2 children in the car!