Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

[Coolter272]

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

Some of these responses leave me baffled.

My children - my responsibility. Any support ie lifts etc are gratefully received and never expected.

Not to mention what would happen if there was an accident, how would that be handled by the other parents?

MN has become so strange, there are a contingent of posters on most threads who try their hardest to kick OP’s while they’re down.

I’d bet the poster haranguing OP would be the CF mothers in this scenario. Or are taking advantage of other people in RL, so being faced with a thread that reflects themselves makes them trip over themselves trying to make the person/family doing the giving as the UR ones.

I don’t drive, not once in my life have I ever expected, asked or demanded another parent drive my child to school. Because they’re going that way anyway🙄

I would say no to the friend, just say it’s probably best you each make your own arrangements from now as your family has a lot on currently and you don’t want to enter into commitments CF would then come to rely on.

Jeez, seems a bit mean of you to leave her, the younger sister. If it’s to become regular, get some petrol money.

Besides, don’t think it will be be an issue, older brother should not be putting his relationship (a ride) with your son, ahead of his own sisters safe travel to and from a school. So don’t be surprised if the first time you refuse the younger sister, the brother isn’t allowed to travel either.

@flowersmakeitbetter - these injustices stick with you, don’t they?

Every single day df gave my friend a lift to school with me, plus did all chauffeuring to out-of-school events (and later on, discos!) as friend’s parents didn’t have a car.

Friend’s parents acquired a car, and shortly afterwards our car broke down. I rang my friend to tell her - I assumed her dm would now take us to the, er, Scout Disco. Oh, no. Friend said that her dm said Sorry, the car was full so I would have to make my own way.

Df was a very quiet man, but this was one of the few times I ever saw him very cross. What an insult after we had taken friend everywhere for a good ten years.

No good deed goes unpunished

I would only be entering into this sort of arrangement (and it seems it is now indeed an arrangement that the other mother relies on) if it was reciprocal.

I've been doing a school run for DS, along with his same aged friend and his friend's sister (who actually goes to a different, but close by, school!) on and off for the last year, because the school bus they get has become known as the Plague Bus owing to all the bloody Covid-related isolation periods it's engendered. Some months it just didn't seem worth the risk to let him get the school bus. But I didn't ever want to get into a situation where I was driving him twice a day, and at the same time wanted to help out his friend's parents who felt the same about the bus situation - it would have been mean and absurd to only drive my son in! So we had a reciprocal arrangement. I wouldn't have suggested driving my son's friend (and sister!) in if I had thought his parents would happily wave off their kids and not play any other part in the arrangement. And have been suckered into similar lift arrangements where the other parents did very little.

So in the OP's place, I'd now suggest that the other parents do their share, otherwise what's in it for you? It benefits them but you do all the legwork. That, or pay towards petrol.

I would think about what your ideal plan is in regards to your DS. Long term do you intend to keep giving lifts or you may continue for a term/year and then he will walk or you will give him a lift a few times a week or if the weather is awful. This then helps work out if having extra people is possible without changing what you want to do. E.g. we are going to give DS a lift on Mondays but will vary the rest of the time so can give family a lift on Mondays.

@Coolter272 - what have you decided to do?

@Coolter272

If it’s long walk she’s going “tag along” anyway or is she supposed walk 200meters behind? Long as everyone aware you tell them night before if making their own way so can leave earlier. Don’t be mean! They have all day together to chat

Do siblings walk to secondary school together? My brother is 18 months older than me and we wouldn't ever have considered doing that. He went with his mates, I went with mine. Our paths never crossed.

DS and his friend aren't in any classes together so they only see eachother during morning break. They don't have all day together to chat.

Of course that’s what siblings do 🙄.

Things may change when they develop more friendships and they go their separate ways naturally, but at the end of the day the friends sister is more important to him than your DS. If I was the friends mum I would not be letting my DS go with yours if my DD was being forced to stay away from them.

My older DB always made sure I was ok getting to school, and I was the same with my younger DB. The same thing with my friends.

Also plenty of siblings regardless of gender hang out in the same friendship groups.

CFs are actually angry and resentful of the person who is kind enough to do them a favour or lend money etc. They feel entitled to what they believe bis rightfully "theirs" which explains why they can get so angry when they are told that the favour can't continue or you ask politely for loaned money to be returned. Which is why we can feel so uncomfortable when asserting ourselves or saying no.

People saying why wouldn't you! Why should you! Has the other mum got no responsibility for getting her children to school. Why did she pick a school that is too far to walk to. She should be telling them to get a bus, not asking someone else to get her children to school. I'd be really pissed off, sorry but it would just be too much for me to get into unless it was reciprocated some of the week.

None of my three DC walked to secondary school together.

I agree that the other mother is a CF and I wouldn't be driving either other DC. As a PP said, a favour so very quickly becomes an expectation.

Have things changed that is now only you doing this?
Be firm

Always gets tricky when more is expected. Why can't your son's parents take them? As with anything that is done a few times as a favour, it becomes the norm and taken for granted, then more expected. X

Sorry meant to say your son's friend's parents? Needs to be 2 way

I guess it’s starting to feel more like your responsibility than a reciprocal arrangement.
Can the other kids parents bring them home Instead or take the kids for a couple of days a week?
Although once the little sister has been going to school a few weeks she’ll probably want to start walking with her friends, so this situation might be temporary.

There's an expectation and if your DS is off sick, you need to remember to let them know. It turns into a nightmare.

Our neighbour's daughter was going to college near to DS and I was asked to take her while neighbour had an op. This continued on and on.

The upshot was, she said she didn't want me to take her anymore and then she and the neighbours stopped talking to us after that!

Also, as PP said, prior to this, it was the time in the car when DS and I chatted about things that mattered to him.

Personally, I'd think twice about putting yourself out.

I think reservations are so often unspoken things, but can get in the way of friendships, none-the-less.

The other family have certainly had time to think about this new situation - they've known the second child will be starting in September. It would have been better if they had said: " Look, it seems a bit cheeky to ask, but as Fiona will be starting next term, how do you think it would be if she went in the car too? It does sound presumptuous, but we'd be worried about her going alone. Is there a favour I could do for you? Or should we take turns? I just feel that although you'll be going anyway, it's s bit different because Fiona isn't Adam's special friend."

You could deal with it by thinking of a favour, you'd like in return, or say pointedly, but half-joking: " No worries, but we'll call on that favour when we need the shed painting! Ha, ha ha!". Make it clear that, yes , it is a favour, and you know it - but you'll take her because it's a bit petty and weird not to. Your son could feel super awkward, and uncomfortable that his parents have embarrassed his mate's parents - if you say you aren't comfortable. So for his sake, probably best to agree to the three-child lift.
I think saying more is sometimes better. If the mother had shown sensitivity in talking through the different sides of the issue, you might have felt better.

Some strange answers on here. I totally get why you’re reluctant. A casual favour has become an expectation. I think you need to have a straight conversation with the mum and suggest she does her share.

So many mumsbetters in their high horses
I can completely understand why you wouldn’t want to commit to a formal arrangement when there are 5 or so years left if secondary school! As others have suggested I’d probably either say to the mum that I’m happy to do it when I’m going past but it may not be every day so does she have other arrangements if DS is walking in one day OR say that i was thinking of cutting the lifts down a bit due to work commitments etc but suggest that perhaps sharing the lifts could work.

It’s nothing to do with not being a kind person etc, but often mornings are busy enough organising your own family without having to worry about others. They certainly are in my house anyway!

Late to the thread but utterly CF behaviour and you are categorically right to not get sucked into it even for one week. We have a classmate of my daughter round for 1and a half hours before school 3 times a week as his parents start work early before the breakfast club opens. We are about to do it for the second year. It works well because they are appreciative and grateful so we don't feel taken advantage of. They have offered to have our children after school on my 2 working days but I put them in after school club as I can see that that would be a bit bloody much for anyone! So I totally get why you feel unwilling to do this. If I got a whiff of entitlement from our friends I would want to stop the arrangement.

I think you’ve done the right thing. It’s a casual arrangement at your convenience so she know to prepare daughter for making her own way there

If it’s no trouble to take an extra one then why not? We all need a bit of help every now and then and if you share the lifts anyway then no problem.

It's CF behaviour because 2/3 of the 'liftees' will be her kids and she hasn't even offered to resume the lift sharing!

So I would say no or say that DH needs to get to work early some days, so can the load be shared.

I totally get not wanting the commitment. My friend is always looking for ways for us to share various childcare related things and I see where she is coming from but I hate the thought of being locked into something that I might not want to do one day.