Giving friends sibling a lift to secondary school. Would you do this?

[Coolter272]

DS is in year 8, his best friend lives in the street behind us. I'm friends with his mum. He has a sister who has just started year 7.

Last year, the boys did a mixture of walking and having lifts by both of us. The last couple of months DH shifts changed and he routinely gave DS and his friend a lift to school. We have to drive past their street anyway.

The mum has now asked if we would pick the sister up on the way past too. I'm not sure I want to start this but I don't really know why. How would you feel about it?

(I know I'll get replies saying they should make their own way to school but it's a long walk and DS had a pretty horrible experience last year. Giving him a lift suits us all much better)

Haven't time to rtft, but:
a) If it's become a regular thing I would ask for a small contribution for fuel, if you're comfortable continuing
b) I would take yr7 sister - again, small fee for both should help with the regular committment. I'm thinking she may make friends within the next term she might prefer to walk with eventually?

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm honestly confused by all the people outraged at this other mother. They have been taking her son every day to school. Her DD will be starting at the same school so she texted to ask if they would take DD too. That was it. There has been no response from the OP to this question that I have seen. I think it would be normal to ask. If they dont want to they just say "no that wont work". If they mother then got all upset about that then yes I could understand. But I dont see how it would not be natural to just ask. You say she should find a way for her DD to get to school...thats what she's doing. The most obvious first thing to do is ask if she can ride with her brother who is going the exact same place. I really must live in a different world then most people on MN. People label other people as CFs at every little thing on here. I'm glad the world I actually live in people are kinder. Thats not saying they should give the ride to be kind, but getting so upset over being asked to do something that is not making them go out of their way at all is crazy. Just say no if you dont want to so she can find other arraignments.

Exactly

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam there's been very little upset in real life over this. I read the text, told DH, we both agreed that we don't really want to commit to it as a formal arrangement. I came on here to gauge opinion and its blown up. Some of the replies on here have been really quite absurd, that has been a little bit upsetting (being told not to pass my values onto DS, that I'm unkind, crazy, sitting at home doing nothing, that I'm babying DS, that I'm precious and controlling. To list just a few) but no, in real life I'm not upset about it. You're right that many people might feel its natural to just ask if the sister could have a lift too but I would imagine that the vast majority would also insist on taking turns, contributing towards fuel, suggesting it as a temporary arrangement etc. That would also be the kind thing to do wouldn't it? Kindness works both ways.

Sorry, I tagged the wrong person YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

@3luckystars

My Mum was absolutely livid so rang my friend's Mum and told her she was mean to let me walk home in the rain. They had a bit of a falling out. Thing is, my Mum is a complete people pleaser and hates confrontation so it was very out of character.

At the time, I thought my Mum was over reacting but I can see her point of view now.

Op, you just need to say that giving both of them a lift isn't going to work for you. No need to explain why. It sounds like you have a lot going on and being tied into driving three kids to school sounds like a ballache. Continue as you are if you are happy to but don't make any promises.

There are lots of holier than though people on these threads. It's amazing because I never come across such do gooders in real life!

@flowersmakeitbetter I put a ban on my DD having her friends come in my house when I discovered two of their mums were sending their kids here (not much of an issue as I'm pretty welcoming) but when the girls ever had to pop home for something, my daughter would have to wait outside in the pouring rain. Both houses! She wasn't even allowed to stand in the hallway. When I queried it, it was because A's and B's mums don't like kids in.

[quote OhRene]@flowersmakeitbetter I put a ban on my DD having her friends come in my house when I discovered two of their mums were sending their kids here (not much of an issue as I'm pretty welcoming) but when the girls ever had to pop home for something, my daughter would have to wait outside in the pouring rain. Both houses! She wasn't even allowed to stand in the hallway. When I queried it, it was because A's and B's mums don't like kids in.

[/quote]
What??!! That is shocking!! And then you get apologists for that kind of behaviour "ah it's not fair to take it out on the kids" as though we should just let these selfish parents behave in this way while still having their kids around

Glad you banned the friends @OhRene, it's the only way some people get the message

This is the weirdest thread ever, of course you shouldn't be expected to do a daily drop off to school of 2 kids that are not yours, regardless that they go to the same school.

Wtf?

I'd drop a friends kid off on occasion if asked but to have the daily grind of it? No.

Take it in turns at absolute minimum.

100% weird responses on her to say it would be rude of you not too 😂😂 fucking never win on this site.

If someone asked me to drop their other half off at work every day / take a kid to college / pick up my mum because i drive past their house and its on route to their work/school/house. No fucking way

@Coolter272

FrostedFlakesAreMyJam there's been very little upset in real life over this. I read the text, told DH, we both agreed that we don't really want to commit to it as a formal arrangement. I came on here to gauge opinion and its blown up. Some of the replies on here have been really quite absurd, that has been a little bit upsetting (being told not to pass my values onto DS, that I'm unkind, crazy, sitting at home doing nothing, that I'm babying DS, that I'm precious and controlling. To list just a few) but no, in real life I'm not upset about it. You're right that many people might feel its natural to just ask if the sister could have a lift too but I would imagine that the vast majority would also insist on taking turns, contributing towards fuel, suggesting it as a temporary arrangement etc. That would also be the kind thing to do wouldn't it? Kindness works both ways.

For sure. Glad you got it all sorted.

And yes Mumsnet threads sometimes bring some 'out there' responses, which is what I was replying to here: some of the replies you had, i.e. the assertion that this was an absolutely outrageous question to ask someone and makes you a lazy piss-taker and that no one in their right mind should ever do anything that is remotely inconvenient to them.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer but the other mother is a cf.

Who expects their kids to be brought to school every day without saying thanks.And then adds her dd in to the mix.

You read enough threads on here knowing this is going to turn awkward.

And it wont be the op,it will be cf mum.[/quote]
The original arrangement was they took turns walking and both families driving the boys. The OP says she did not like the asking each day how they were going to get there so they said the DH would drive the 2 boys. No where did I read about the other mother setting up this plan, it was OP who did because her son did not like walking. Just asking if DD can be added to the arrangement is not being a CF. If OP says no and as you say "it turns awkward" then yes, but that is you speculating what will happen. You dont know that woman. Maybe she will just say "ok, I understand I'll make other arrangements for her". Believe it or not, not everyone is a CF. The only info we have been given is that they drive the son to school each day and mother asked if they could take daughter too. How on earth is that not a realistic thing to ask? Perhaps when told no she WILL then turn into a CF, but so far she has done nothing to be called that. I just know I'm glad in my world I could ask my friend to do something like this, and that I could also understand if the answer was no and make other plans (and vise versa).

Hmm. According to this thread, when someone is doing something that benefits you, something that YOU believe doesn't put them out much (though I believe having that extra tiny job does actually build up the mental load, their time and their effort but they put up with it because they do it for their child too), you don't need to thank them, you don't need to reciprocate and make sure to push for more. Might as well add a bit more on while you can!

Has the mum offered you any support after your surgery? Has she asked after your health? Offered to help with shopping / gardening / housework?

Presumably the lift to school will stop when your ds feels more confident. Until then, if you are happy to drive your son and his friend in, I can't see an issue in the younger sister. Presumably in a couple of years, your ds will be glad to know her and her friends🤣

I'd say yes to the lift, because it suits your son. But make it clear that you are working on lifts ending, so it's not forever.

There are other things to sweat about: pick your battles.

I wish you well following your surgery.

@OhRene

Hmm. According to this thread, when someone is doing something that benefits you, something that YOU believe doesn't put them out much (though I believe having that extra tiny job does actually build up the mental load, their time and their effort but they put up with it because they do it for their child too), you don't need to thank them, you don't need to reciprocate and make sure to push for more. Might as well add a bit more on while you can!

Totally agree with this. Some of the comments here are mindblowing. The entitlement of some people! I say this as somebody who has been similarly taken advantage of. I wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

I find it odd your asking

How about the brother and sister walk to school together and your son keeps the precious lift to school to himself?

@Coolter272 now you that you mentioned a bit more background info, specially the fact that the other family now always expect you/your husband to do the school drop off, I would say to the other family that you would like to share lifts - many alternate weeks. You can say your husband’s hours changed so it’s now very difficult for him but he’s happy to continue if the workload is shared

Hmm… lift shares are often tricky, but this is not a share, it’s entirely one sided. Why can’t your friend share the driving?
I have to say I wouldn’t be too happy taking somebody else’s kids to school everyday, and the other Mum not helping. Isuspect that it doesn’t sit well with you because you feel that you are being taken advantage of?
How would you feel if the daughter was often 5 minutes late eating her breakfast in the car? Never says ‘thank you’?
I think that you should speak to the Mum over coffee expressing your concerns and suggest a way in which she might be able to help you. Only fair, I think.

This puts alot on you as a previous post has mentioned why is the other mum not taking her turn with the driving. Unless of course she dosen't drive. When my youngest daughter started secondary school I used to walk her to the bus stop with her friend and the mum but after a while they do make other friends and it can becomr arkward if either child dosen't want to walk or get the bus to school with them anymore. Try not to take on too much.

@Coolter272

As I said, I'm not sure why I don't want to do it. I suppose it feels like a change from a casual arrangement to providing transport for them. DS isn't friends with the sister, it'll change the dynamic in the car. They get dropped about a 15 minute walk away from school so the sister will then be tagging along instead of making arrangements with her own friends.

Change the dynamic in the car??? It’s a lift to school not a private party. As for worrying about the sister on the walk and her not making her own friends, that’s not the real reason either. You will know the real reason for your reluctance if you dig deep and find it. But it seems unreasonable to say no to me, why would you?

She's asked rather than expecting.... so would definitely consider the request... and word your reply (if acceding) to mention that any time you are driving them then yes but obviously not if yours is walking etc

Honestly why don't you just say we can do Mon, Tues and every other Wednesday if you can do Thurs Fri and every other Wednesday? If driving them suits you better but you don't want the whole weight on your shoulder then offer to split it.

I mean - if you are already going and you already take her son, seems weird making a younger girl take the bus and not have a lift.

But I see that you would feel like a free bus service hence the offering to split the driving. If she says no then just don't take them because she is being a cf

No, I wouldn’t do this.

I had a mum ask if I ‘could just’ have her child from 8am until we walked to school for 8.45 every day. It was bloody awful-I had three kids of my own (including a newborn) and he used to come and trash my house every morning before school. I did it for about half a term before saying I just can’t do it any more.

I wouldn’t want to get into any regular arrangement that doesn’t have any upside for me.

If she collected and brought them all home every day, saving me a journey, I might consider it.

I had a work colleague who lived a few streets from me, when she realised she asked if I could give her a lift when we were on the same shifts. I agreed and stated where and what time. Initally it was OK then she wanted picked up at her front door which meant a detour for me even though she could walk directly to suggested meeting point in 2 minutes! All started fine and then one day she was late then the next so I had a quite word which made no difference. Then the final straw was when she didn't turn up at all so thinking something had delayed her I waited until 10 mins after our actual work start time thinking it must be serious.... Another 5 mins and She never turned up so I went off to work reported to the office to apologise and double check that she was actually on shift (she was,) lo and behold 40 minutes later she came rampaging through work looking for me claiming that I'd abandoned her and that I hadn't turned up. Which is strange because I had to drive past where she claimed to be to actually get to work!
So after 10 minutes of abuse I just replied to her "well ill tell you what... Go back to getting the bus then". bloody cheeky mare hadn't even offered petrol money as "I was going that way any way"....

@Beastieboys

I had a work colleague who lived a few streets from me, when she realised she asked if I could give her a lift when we were on the same shifts. I agreed and stated where and what time. Initally it was OK then she wanted picked up at her front door which meant a detour for me even though she could walk directly to suggested meeting point in 2 minutes! All started fine and then one day she was late then the next so I had a quite word which made no difference. Then the final straw was when she didn't turn up at all so thinking something had delayed her I waited until 10 mins after our actual work start time thinking it must be serious.... Another 5 mins and She never turned up so I went off to work reported to the office to apologise and double check that she was actually on shift (she was,) lo and behold 40 minutes later she came rampaging through work looking for me claiming that I'd abandoned her and that I hadn't turned up. Which is strange because I had to drive past where she claimed to be to actually get to work! So after 10 minutes of abuse I just replied to her "well ill tell you what... Go back to getting the bus then". bloody cheeky mare hadn't even offered petrol money as "I was going that way any way"....

Good for you!

Did she get the bus from then on?