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Original poster

So my 12 yo is a blackmailer...

191 replies

ThisOldSaddo · 02/09/2021 08:13

We're having difficulties with our 12 year old.

He's insatiable for stuff - sweets, chocolate, pop, tech, gaming...he never listens and will always always always push boundaries. We call him Billy Wantsmore, because of this trait. He always takes it too far, esp when with his brother.

We are having him see an ADHD specialist in November, and that's the nearest private appointment we could get.

We have a friend visiting, he lost his job in lockdown and so we got him down to us as he's fragile, mentally, and was stoney broke!

Last night DH and I went to check out a local car for sale. Friend stayed home and kids were playing on their games upstairs.

Immediately we were out the door,
dS12 came down and said "I'm getting a Boost" from the treat drawer. DF said no, it's too late and it's the last one, your mum might want that. DS then said "if you don't let me have it, I'll tell mum you dented her can with the wheelbarrow" / this I had already figured out and it appears - oddly - DH and I were having a conversation about the new dent whilst this was happening at home - it's no big deal.

DF still said no, but DS took it anyway and went upstairs.

DF told us when we got home.

I am so ashamed of DS.

Nothing we do to discipline him works.

Please help me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 02/09/2021 08:16

God that sounds stressful. I think having a treat draw might be something to minimise in the short term - having things like Boost bars in hand just tempts too much.

Then i guess it’s about trying to manage his behaviour - I think people will come and reply with good ideas for that. But the first thing i’d do is remove such a big temptation.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 08:18

I would start by removing all chocolate and sweets from the house and severely restricting or even completely stopping access to the internet.

Then sit down together for a serious talk about behaviour and expectations.

He will have to earn back any treats very slowly.

Original poster
ThisOldSaddo · 02/09/2021 08:19

Oh that went last night. We're arranging a new lock on our utility door to lock up crisps, ice cream, snacks for lunch boxes. We live here too, as do our two other kids who don't pull this kind of shit. So treat drawer is gooooone.

OP posts:

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12 year olds Families
PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 08:22

That's a good start.

I think he needs a sharp shock. To speak to an adult like that is really appalling.

Could you confiscate his phone or whatever he plays games on?

Original poster
ThisOldSaddo · 02/09/2021 08:28

Thanks guys, yes, I should have said what we've done 🙄🙄 drip feeder!!

We've taken his tech and phone. Today our nanny is taking them to the inflatable park, all paid for, but he's not going. I'm going to tell him what I need from him today - sorting his new uniform, and seeing what fits - cleaning his room. Removing his computer (fully, I only have the controller - that's another thing, he has been up in the night playing so I asked for the controller a week ago and he gave me a dud one).

The child's a fucking Machiavellian genius.

Nothing works to change him though. I can usually find a way around, here, I am lost. Floating at sea with no bloody ideas.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 02/09/2021 08:32

Goodness! You're going to need a team around you who are fully signed-up and resistant to pressure. It will be so worth it and you're storing up happiness for him in the future. If empathy doesn't come easily, it needs to be taught.

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 08:33

What you've done so far sounds good.

I think some more chores around the house?

Have you and your DH sat down with him for a discussion about his behaviour?

messybun101 · 02/09/2021 08:37

I feel so bad for your friend reading that post. He must have felt backed right into a corner scared and ashamed to tell you then forced to. By a 12 year old. Shame.

LastGirlSanding · 02/09/2021 08:43

Ok this might be a bit out there so ignore if so as i’m still on my first coffee… the way you describe him is that he’s really good at playing tricks and solving problems to get what he wants… which can be quite good if done in a constructive way. It’s kind of like a great talent but the dark side of it is in use. I wonder whether some activities for him where he can use this problem solving thing, find some challenges in that way but less destructive and oppositional would help?

midsummabreak · 02/09/2021 08:43

I wouldn’t call him Billy Wantsmore, keeping in mind that often they do become who you say they are. While it is true that he doesn’t take no for an answer and wants more, so do many kids and teens like him but they can and do improve with boundaries, guidance, encouragement and maturity.
Could you have a boost bar/treat reward system for completing simple chores such as and helping out with meal preparation and washing up. Praise good behaviour and small acts of kindness and keep expectations that he will mature in time

PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 08:45

I agree about not using the nickname, it means you're making a joke about this trait and making it seem OK.

oneglassandpuzzled · 02/09/2021 08:46

@LastGirlSanding

God that sounds stressful. I think having a treat draw might be something to minimise in the short term - having things like Boost bars in hand just tempts too much.

Then i guess it’s about trying to manage his behaviour - I think people will come and reply with good ideas for that. But the first thing i’d do is remove such a big temptation.

A treat draw—like a raffle? How would that be fair?
PyjamaFan · 02/09/2021 08:47

I think she means a treat drawer Grin

MargotEmin · 02/09/2021 08:58

Aside from taking away privileges and stuff like that, have you ever had an honest conversation with him about how these behaviours are likely to impact his personal relationships now and in the future? I hate to say it but he risks becoming a very unlikeable, untrustworthy young man. You'd have to be careful to explain it in a way that isn't shaming, and makes clear you love him no matter what, but that these behaviours are not acceptable and you need to work together to find some solutions.

ThePlantsitter · 02/09/2021 09:02

I think you have gone a bit nuclear on this. Tech and phone and missing out on a treat today for one (admittedly shit) action? Do you call him Billy Wantsmore or a Machiavellian genius to his face?

By the time they get to 12 what you have to control them is your good relationship. Kids obviously shouldn't lie but they do and you should expect it - eg it was on you to check the controller if you don't want him to have access to the games controller. Yes there should be consequences for bad behaviour but piling on punishment and giving no chink of light to make behaving well worth it is dispiriting and is going to end up with him not giving a shit about wanting to please you or behave well. Calling him unpleasant names adds to that.

Additionally if someone can't effectively tell a 12 year old not to get a biscuit they should not be looking after them! What if it was something important? Also I'm guessing it didn't go down exactly as the friend said given her didn't tell you about the damage to the car.

In your shoes I would be talking to him today, get him to apologise to the friend and after sorting out his room etc with him take him for a small treat just the two of you.

user1471462428 · 02/09/2021 09:07

How much exercise is he getting? My daughter needs 30+ minutes every day on top of what school to stop her acting like that… exercise seems to stop the bad behaviour.

BrisbaneandGone · 02/09/2021 09:07

@ThePlantsitter

I think you have gone a bit nuclear on this. Tech and phone and missing out on a treat today for one (admittedly shit) action? Do you call him Billy Wantsmore or a Machiavellian genius to his face?

By the time they get to 12 what you have to control them is your good relationship. Kids obviously shouldn't lie but they do and you should expect it - eg it was on you to check the controller if you don't want him to have access to the games controller. Yes there should be consequences for bad behaviour but piling on punishment and giving no chink of light to make behaving well worth it is dispiriting and is going to end up with him not giving a shit about wanting to please you or behave well. Calling him unpleasant names adds to that.

Additionally if someone can't effectively tell a 12 year old not to get a biscuit they should not be looking after them! What if it was something important? Also I'm guessing it didn't go down exactly as the friend said given her didn't tell you about the damage to the car.

In your shoes I would be talking to him today, get him to apologise to the friend and after sorting out his room etc with him take him for a small treat just the two of you.

How was he supposed to stop the DS getting a chocolate bar? He told him no, was he supposed to restrain him, block his way?
ThePlantsitter · 02/09/2021 09:16

How was he supposed to stop the DS getting a chocolate bar?

Without knowing how the house is laid out etc maybe stand in front of the drawer and say 'I said no'? You might as well as how they could make the kid leave in a fire or whatever.

Starfish1021 · 02/09/2021 09:16

I say this in the kindest possible way, you don’t seem to like your child. I understand he has done someone horrible and shocking but names like Billy Wantsmore ect are pretty harsh. You compare him very unfavourably to his siblings. I’m not saying this behaviour is okay and I would be terrified if mine started behaving in this way. But it clearly isn’t going to be straightforward to confiscate and punish. If that worked presumably things would be better. I think being incredibly clear about the impact on others his behaviour has and reassurance that you love him. Good luck it sounds really rough

MuggleStudiesResearchProject · 02/09/2021 09:18

It sounds to me like you need to work on building his empathy, and going overboard on sanctions and punishments is going to have the opposite effect in the long term, as he'll become more focused on out smarting the system rather than caring about his actions.

I'd spend some individual time with him and talk about his feelings around wanting things he feels he's been denied. I imagine some of it comes down to not wanting to feel controlled by others, and so controlling them and his environment to re-establish that feeling of security in his own autonomy. Talk about the impact of this type of action, the effect on others in the family, how it reduces your trust in him (and his in you if you only respond with sanctions), and how as a family you're meant to be a team working together and can he help think of ways forward for him, and you, to help change the dynamic. Reassure him that you love and care for him, that you're worried about his behaviours, and apologise profusely for calling him names like Billy Wantsmore.

OctaviaTriangle · 02/09/2021 09:23

Christ talk about overkill.

So you suspect additional needs which you're having him assessed for in due course. He asks for a bar of chocolate, is told no, and pulls a fast one and takes it anyway.

That's naughty. That requires a talking to, a punishment that fits the crime and an explanation as to why we don't do this stuff followed up with regular chats around behaviour

I don't think it requires locks on things, removing his tech and then removing a trip out. All you'll do is escalate this situation and back him into a corner

You've made a right old mountain out of a molehill

MrsRobbieHart · 02/09/2021 09:23

Your son sounds like my son was a few years ago (my DS is now 12) he has diagnosed ADHD and we’ve had lots of intervention/support services.

I can’t stress to you enough how important it is to set very clear boundaries and to be 100% consistent with reminding and enforcing them. It works, it is hard work, if your boy is like mine he is a professional charmer and will try every way to get round you, but it really does pay off to be firm and consistent. He needs a clear message from you and DH that these are the rules and there will be no negotiation at all.

MrsRobbieHart · 02/09/2021 09:25

And yes. Stop the name calling. That’s really shit.

Cut all the sugary treats and up his exercise.

DrNo007 · 02/09/2021 09:25

Stop keeping sugar in the house; no one (including others in the house) needs that stuff and it is addictive and breeds bad behaviour. Then work on the behaviour.

MrsRobbieHart · 02/09/2021 09:26

Yeah. We all generally eat too much and are addicted to sugar.