Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Mariell · 23/09/2021 10:52

So now he wants to have six with you again?

What a weird and vile man.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 13:50

Just don’t get it....I know I’ve lost weight and due to the medication I’m on I’m back to myself, but he said he hadn’t been himself (due to the testosterone he usually takes but hasn’t for about a year). How can someone break someone’s heart and then just get what they know you wanted?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 23/09/2021 13:52

@ccat1901

Just don’t get it....I know I’ve lost weight and due to the medication I’m on I’m back to myself, but he said he hadn’t been himself (due to the testosterone he usually takes but hasn’t for about a year). How can someone break someone’s heart and then just get what they know you wanted?
Omg this is awful! He's toying with you! How did you respond to that?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Mariell · 23/09/2021 14:08

He took the time to write you a letter to say he wasn’t sexually attracted to you.

When you write a letter it gives you time to think and reflect.

Now he has decided on a whim that he would like to have sex with you.

Why haven’t you left yet?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 14:20

He said he wanted everything to stay the same, to spend quality time together, come out of it closer because he didn’t love me in a romantic way anymore - he even said he didn’t like it when I stroked his back in bed....and now wanting to have sex, saying I look hot, what the hell is going on? A mid life crisis someone on here said

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 14:24

He wrote the letter in about 10 mins and i know he did as I can be difficult to get through to especially as I was in such a state.
It’s not just once he’s said about sex/dressing up/things we used to do, over the past 2/3 days. Can you really go from not fancying someone to changing your mind?!??????

OP posts:
Mariell · 23/09/2021 14:26

Someone who loves, respects, cherishes and adores you would not play these nasty mind games.

Whatever he is up to you are not to okay along with him and need to get away from him ASAP and cut all contact.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/09/2021 14:32

You need to ask him straight out why he's behaving in such a contrary fashion.
He's said he fancies other people and wants to be friends with you whilst having relationships with others and that he doesn't want to sleep with you.
Now he's changed his mind and he does.
Jumping from one extreme to another without any explanation to you is very confusing and unkind.
I hope your appointment with the therapist via insurance is successful and you are able to talk to them about this situation. Best of luck

Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 15:16

Yes I have had 2 sessions with a therapist.

I know I am different to how I was a month ago, but a complete 180?! Unless that wasn’t true??
We will have time at the weekend without the kids as I am working with him (for money!!) so maybe I’ll get some answers then!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 22:03

THis is such a horrible situation- am I second best? Why has he changed his mind? I deserve better I think. Why, just why?!?

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 23/09/2021 22:11

He said he’d have sex with you He DID NOT say he was in love with you romantically again. He DID NOT say he wants to work on the relationship and stay together as more than friends.

He said he’d have sex with you.

I bet I could take you to a few bars and find a whole gaggle of men who would say the same thing. It’s not special, and it doesn’t really mean anything other then he’s willing to hurt you deeper.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 23:07

He said he feels
Better about things..I’m guessing he feels
Better beckoned wants sex....but...I’m glad I’m sorting out house. HE is having his van converted to a camper so I guess he’ll be off soon if he can’t get what he wants here.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 24/09/2021 03:24

@ccat1901

He said he feels Better about things..I’m guessing he feels Better beckoned wants sex....but...I’m glad I’m sorting out house. HE is having his van converted to a camper so I guess he’ll be off soon if he can’t get what he wants here.
You can GUESS all day long but he needs to say it. He needs to own up to it

You can’t read minds. Hell, you find it a bit hard to take the hard ass hint (of which we both share) that he is wanting you around for your utility whilst he goes off to be intimate with someone else

Oh and be forewarned… a man who is having an affair can and will suddenly start feeling himself (like feeling himself the cock of the walk) , and decide to bed you as well! These men when they take the plunge with someone else very often go back and find it a turn on to have you still open legged and waiting.

Get your shit together. If you’re a real poster of which I am starting to feel dubious. Take your own children into account. Sex and a partner aren’t your #1 priority. Setting up as soft of a landing as you can for them is.

You have a special needs kid who freaks out at changing bedrooms… how are your worried about that man and his dak? Seriously? Wake up.

You are being very silly confusing sex with love. You are even more silly to confuse true intimate passion with the malarkey he is providing.

Literally, starting to wonder about you, feeling troll vibes hardcore.. Most women by this point would think of their children. Hell, I’d think of my damn cat… MY CAT!!! AND I’ve made terrible choices in my life and I have gone through things others say they would not.

Sorry ladies. I just am feeling this couldn’t be real. What with the special needs child and all. Chasing after sex is suspect.

JustKittenAround · 24/09/2021 03:30

PS SCREW his camper!

grumble grumble grumble

Original poster
ccat1901 · 24/09/2021 07:33

Laugh if you will but the reason I posted originally was because I was and an struggling with the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
My children are the most important which is why I (we) have kept things the same, they know no different and some days this has been incredibly hard.
This is real and it’s me life. I’ve posted so I can see the things that have happened and it’s a record of how I’ve been feeling and advice, in the main, has been useful. I’m just saying that sex is a thing that I didn’t think would be suggested so I am confused.
So
No trolling, no lies.

OP posts:
Bordois · 24/09/2021 08:43

So he's following the script then. What's the betting this other woman gave him the brush off, and he needed to reel you back in a bit?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2021 13:44

i/we have kept things the same, they know no different

Things are not the same.

It is highly unlikely that teens at GCSE/A Level age "know no different" They've got eyes and ears and would have questions and views of their own.

Surely as pp have said repeatedly it would be better to research your housing options now, rather than disrupt their exam period which would be active from Feb to May.

After everything you've written about your partner, you are still "guessing" about what he feels - why not ask him ?

I can't imagine why a person would voluntarily leave their own comfortable house, that they have been at such pains to keep you in, to live in a camper van during the autumn/winter.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 24/09/2021 21:19

He has said that he would not be in the house if that’s what I wanted. We have been the same in front of the kids at mealtimes and school runs, when we spoke it was always when kids were at school /out and I did t cry in front of them or within earshot.
I will broach this new thing at the weekend when we are alone travelling to a show.
Then maybe I’ll understand how 3 weeks ago he obviously found me disgusting and now he wants me “romantically “. Quickest turnaround ever!!!

OP posts:
FireworkParrot · 24/09/2021 22:59

@Bordois

So he's following the script then. What's the betting this other woman gave him the brush off, and he needed to reel you back in a bit?
Bang on the money. Hardly a surprise that after this show is when he suddenly starts getting interested in sex again.
JustKittenAround · 25/09/2021 09:22

@ccat1901

He has said that he would not be in the house if that’s what I wanted. We have been the same in front of the kids at mealtimes and school runs, when we spoke it was always when kids were at school /out and I did t cry in front of them or within earshot. I will broach this new thing at the weekend when we are alone travelling to a show. Then maybe I’ll understand how 3 weeks ago he obviously found me disgusting and now he wants me “romantically “. Quickest turnaround ever!!!
Again feeling that big troll energy.

If you’re legit then it doesn’t matter how he suddenly decided you were worthy of his affection . You’d know no matter what you’re always going to be on the precipice of his whims. You’ll never have the security and comfort of even a fake knowledge that you’re wanted and loved. You know you’re not already!

If you’re real, then this would hit home big time. If you continue to ignore things or gloss over then I’d tell everyone here to just let you go on ahead like a dummy. Or is a mug where you are from?

No f’ing way a woman with a special needs child so far on the spectrum where a change of rooms is traumatic would be entertaining this shit. Literally no way.

I have stopped believing

I’m out! Good day.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 25/09/2021 10:34

Well it’s true and keeping everything the same is what a child on the spectrum needs - no sudden change and if there is change a slow transition period. Each child on the spectrum is different and if you had personal experience you would understand why.
Anyway I haven’t got time to make up this whole situation, I came on here to see if anyone else had experienced the same thing or would be able to advise, but again unless you really know those involved it is hard to give accurate advice, but I have to say a lot has been very useful to me.
So believe what you want, but trolling for his amount of time is a bit ridiculous.
Thanks for your input though

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 28/09/2021 21:19

@ccat1901

Well it’s true and keeping everything the same is what a child on the spectrum needs - no sudden change and if there is change a slow transition period. Each child on the spectrum is different and if you had personal experience you would understand why. Anyway I haven’t got time to make up this whole situation, I came on here to see if anyone else had experienced the same thing or would be able to advise, but again unless you really know those involved it is hard to give accurate advice, but I have to say a lot has been very useful to me. So believe what you want, but trolling for his amount of time is a bit ridiculous. Thanks for your input though
OP, I have a child with several diagnosed spectrum disorders. His father is walked out and has now disappeared with no means of contact. It was a huge change and challenge. We've got through it because we had no choice. I also know as a parent with a child like this that you have to deal with it. You just have to. You can't protect them forever and they have to just get on with things. I know that you will disagree but I've had to take some very difficult decisions with my son and eventually he has adapted. Staying in this ludicrous situation will do him more harm than good.
Angusdog24 · 05/10/2021 09:55

Hi, looking for advise, My 14 yr old son is refusing school he hasn't been since about May 21, I'm in contact with school who I feel aren't being very supportive we do have meetings every two weeks but nothing is happening we are now at the stage where the local authorities are gonna get involved and it's going down the legal route, I think he has mental health issues we have spoken to 2 GPs who have both just said he needs to get a good night's sleep. He does have intentions of going because he sets his alarm but when it comes to go it's like something is stopping him. Me and his dad are at our wits end and it's putting pressure on our relationship. Any advice would be grateful.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/10/2021 11:05

@Angusdog24 hi, we have been lucky my son has always gone to school (means everyday and we have had many running off incidents when he is there).
A friend of mine has the same school refusal with her daughter. Couple of ideas that may work :-

  1. does your child have a key worker or teaching assistant that he likes? Maybe they could visit at home.
  2. A visual timetable of what the school day will be helped my son years ago - so they know what to expect when they go in.
  3. could the school arrange a visit after hours when no pupils in the school so he can walk the exact route he would, to classroom, break, lunch and hometime.
  4. sometimes a friend or relative maybe able to help - my friend found that her daughters gran (who she had a good relationship with) could get her in the car and into school.
  5. comic strips - google these, you could create one which has your child in refusing to go to school. Add a speech bubble and let them write why that child can’t go to school. As this is done in the third person it is non confrontational and easier for an asd child to communicate . The rest of the comic strip can be how to overcome the issue and then shows a positive time at school. It’s really difficult but a comic strip may help unpick the reason why. Not sure how old your child is but maybe a reward chart? Hope one of these helps
OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 05/10/2021 11:10

@Angusdog24 sorry just seen he is 14 - even now we have to “bribe” usually with a plushie he really wants which usually works.
Do you have a local CAMHS service? I believe you can self refer (but this may depend on local authority). We have a service called DIAS (Devon Information and Advisory Service) - they should be something similar in your area. They give free advice about school and helped us with our first EHC Plan.

OP posts: