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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:15

Hmmmm - the other thing he said in his letter is that he knows of other couples that have split up and then travelled the world together and he would love us to do that (as we had talked of travel once the kids were older). Maybe he doesn't really know what he wants - he said he can't live a lie if he doesn't fancy me. I maybe stupid but I don't think he is lying, but maybe time will show different :(

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:20

The type of guy he is would mean he wouldn't have a problem with that. He wants me to be happy, but I just can't at this point see a way through. It's all such a shock and I am really struggling to process. I feel like I've failed my kids (my son with autism just won't cope) - maybe that's why he wants to stay the same (and for his daughter too). When I asked him face to face if he would consider couples therapy he said no. I looked him straight in the eye - when I asked if anyone else was involved he said he had not cheated, same look in his eye.

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Booboobadoo · 31/08/2021 12:20

I think he isn't courageous enough to split up properly and doesn't want to lose you as a mother/housekeeper. I also think he's found someone else. Please look out for yourself and plan to live independently. I appreciate it will affect the children, but you can't stay with someone who treats you so poorly and has clearly said they are not attracted to you.

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Maassi · 31/08/2021 12:21

With the gentlest disagreement OP, he IS lying. Please please don't accept what he's offering - a half life that will destroy you. Think of the role model you want to be for your DD. Is that something you'd want her to aspire to in her future relationships. So many of us on MN have been in shitty abusive relationships that started where you are right now xxx

FinallyHere · 31/08/2021 12:21

This ^ wot @Booboobadoo said.

Sorry.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 12:28

If you continue on this path it’s inevitable that he is going to dump you and the Mr Nice guy face he presents you will sour and you will be the focus of his resentment and anger.

He is going to dump you, there is no doubt about that. The line he is spinning you could go on for days, weeks or months and your emotional health will weaken and you will become increasingly more fragile and anxious.

You won’t be able to cope with the final split because you have been subjected to the emotional abuse he has put you through and you will find that everything in life is now a struggle.

Far better to be pro active and dump him and forge ahead in making a happy life for you and your child.

Being in charge of your own destiny is empowering and preferable to being a puppet on a string dancing to the tune of a puppet master who’s plan is to keep you dancing until you are worn out and then he will drop the strings leaving you in a crumpled heap on the floor, unable to walk let alone dance.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 12:30

He won't fancy you because you go to the gym. You're the same person you always were. It's him that's changed. He wants to sleep with other people.

Wouldn't you rather travel the world with someone that did fancy you? Make him leave and find that person.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:30

ok, thanks. Although I'm not actually sure when he has had time - he does do shows away from home but different ones and no overnights. I have asked him so many times "have you met anyone else" - no, "are you looking for anyone else" - no. I also said if you did in the future what would happen with this arrangement - he said if they couldn't accept he was living with his ex who was his best friend then they weren't the one for him

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frogswimming · 31/08/2021 12:31

He might not have done anything yet. But he told you he had a connection with the girl who helped him out didn't he?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:32

He has actually said we have split up - I'm struggling with that. He has been clear and maybe harsh yesterday on the phone when he was at work and when I asked about counselling yesterday. I am tricky to talk to I know and need to know what's going on so I think that's why it is finished in his eyes.

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frogswimming · 31/08/2021 12:33

Do you really think any woman is going to want to embark on a relationship with someone who 'lives with his ex who is his best friend'?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:34

Yes, he said it maybe something he didn't know. He likened it to passing juggling clubs with his friend - a cool activity that he gets a lot out of, a feeling of doing something he loves. He is working there again tonight (as he cannot cancel) so I'm really going to struggle. I asked him this morning if he has had any contact with her and he said no, I don't even know what her feelings are and nor does he.

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Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2021 12:38

I say this as gently as possible, take the blinders off. He is playing you for an absolute fool, op. Don't be a doormat.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 12:39

He has ended the physical side of your relationship and told you he is attracted to other people. He might see one of those people tonight, and you are struggling with it. I think you need to ask him to leave for your own emotional health.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:39

No, I certainly wouldn't. Is that why he wants us to stay best friends and "become closer"?

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Mariell · 31/08/2021 12:40

If he hasn’t already met someone when he does he is NOT going to describe you as the loving ex and wonderful mother that has kept the family together.

You will be portrayed as being the wicked witch who ruined his life by being emotionally unstable/threatening etc that he has been unable to leave because of fear of what you might do to yourself or god forbid the children, along with financially ruining him etc etc etc.

Can you not see that?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 12:41

He is offering you a half life. He gets to do what he wants. You get to provide him a home while he does that.

I’m sorry that his daughter may be disrupted if he leaves but ultimately that is on him and FOR him to deal with.

The only decent (although he could have termed it better) thing he has done is be honest. It has saved you years of self doubt and wondering what you’ve done wrong.

But make no mistake love. This is a solution to make it easier for him and not you.

He doesn’t get to decide that.

And you shouldn’t have to settle for a shadow life.

You matter.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:41

Is that what men do? He said honestly noone else and nothing has happened, unless he has someone lined up? I've only had one other long term relationship so this is so hard for me to disbelieve someone who has always been truthful and honest and open.

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thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 31/08/2021 12:44

He's keeping you warm in case the thing with the other woman doesn't pan out, don't do the pick me dance, ask him to leave and do it soon because it will just get harder and harder to detach.

This man does not love you, he's using you.

Whose house do you live in?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:44

You may think me blinkered but when he split up with his ex she was awful, I saw and heard what she said and he never once bad mouthed her. He said people change and feelings change over time, and it's not anything I have done or not done.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:46

It's his house, he had bought it before we got together. He has already said he will stay in the room we built in the garden or move out, whatever I want.

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Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:48

But if he doesn't fancy me, what's the point on building a stronger friendship? He has said we are invited to our friends house tomorrow night for drinks and has said we will go

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 12:49

Get him to move out until suitable separate homes are arranged.

His club is currently being juggled in someone else. I will put money on that. And I’m a grippy B’stard who does not gamble.

His ‘generosity’ to you is out of guilt and convenience.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 12:50

He's outright told you he has someone else lined up. If it doesn't work out with her he will be open to other people. You shouldn't put up with that. You can't control him or change his feelings but you can remove yourself from further hurt by asking him to move out.

If you weren't close as best friends and lovers who live together, how are you suddenly going to get closer if you stop the physical side?

He maybe believes what he is saying himself, tying himself in knots to get what he wants and not be the bad guy. Doesn't mean you have to put up with it and let him keep you on the back burner.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 12:50

Until you take your rose tinted glasses off he is going to get away with treating you badly and your being grateful for the crumbs he throws.

Mark my words, you may be feeling hurt, confused, anxious etc but it’s nothing compared to the feelings you will have when you finally realise what he is doing as the scales fall from your eyes.

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