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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 18:43

no one can tell OP what to do and she knows him best
That’s True. But researching, finding out facts of what her options are and constructing a back up plan will be a safety net.
It’s a way of protecting herself and she can make decisions based on facts rather than fear.

It doesn’t mean she has to act on it until she’s ready or needs to. But if that day does come she will be better prepared.

nancyonthebike · 14/09/2021 19:28

You're clearly holding on for dear life to any strand of hope he's dangling.
Did he kiss you on the forehead and take you to bed and treat you as a lover or kiss you on the forehead in a thank god your making this so easy for me way?
Whilst you are letting your emotions enable his actions he we continue to feel that his behaviour is right and proper.
Would this be acceptable behaviour you would accept from other people?
Have you actually sat down and said 'you and me need to talk'
This is becoming to weird of a situation. But you know what, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, maybe things will work out and you can BOTH be happy with this set up.

Mariell · 14/09/2021 20:05

9 years and didn’t put your name on the deeds? When people are in loving relationships and live together they consider what happens if they die and make provisions for their partner etc.

I find it very odd that he hasn’t added your name and I don’t suppose you are even mentioned in his will.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 20:55

He changed his will when he divorced his ex wife and put me in it, although to be honest I can’t remember the exact detail. I’ll have to check, it’s in the safe so I can look anytime

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 21:08

If you knew for sure, 100%, from someone who can see into the future, that he would never ever change his mind about wanting a physical / romantic / sexual relationship with you then what would you do?

You need to do that.

Why2why · 14/09/2021 21:14

@ccat1901

He changed his will when he divorced his ex wife and put me in it, although to be honest I can’t remember the exact detail. I’ll have to check, it’s in the safe so I can look anytime
I know of one situation like yours where eventually the romantic love returned. It was pretty much exactly like your situation except the wife asked the husband to stay for a month (could have been a different length of time) and either to write her a note every day or it could have been to do something else that reminded him of the good and earlier parts of their life together. Anyway, in the end because they continue to spend time with each other minus the daily talking about the relationship, the husband came to the realisation that he indeed loved his wife.
nancyonthebike · 14/09/2021 21:14

Every single time you reply to a post it seems you're trying to justify him and want at least one of us to tell you he's obviously still head over heels in love with you, is obviously still attracted to you, obviously will eventually feel like he wants to have sex with you again, obviously doesn't want to end this relationship with you so he can go sleep with somebody else he has a connection with.
I don't think any one of us believes this will be the case. Deep down do you?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 07:17

Well I don’t know if I should have felt ok about him going to the venue last night where the “girl” works. He left late (as he picked my son up from school) so only just got there in time, then finished the show early and called me as soon as he left. So if she was there he didn’t have time to chat or do acro.
But also I did feel that the knot in my stomach had gone - I don’t know what that means. I haven’t been able to really eat since the letter (which is highly unusual for me!) but feel different today. Not as anxious. Can’t explain it really.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 15/09/2021 09:24

Re what he might or might not have done last night. Again. Stop kidding yourself. You can’t trust anything he says. So don’t.

If you are feeling better today please start to look seriously at planning your future .

StormTreader · 15/09/2021 09:32

I expect that the knot has eased a bit because he called you early and came back, and your brain has taken that as "all this sillyness is over and things are back to normal now".
It's equally possible that she just wasn't working last night.

dogmandu · 15/09/2021 09:39

It doesn't matter whether or not he saw this other woman last night, the only point that matters is that he doesn't fancy you.

He's unlikely to want to take care of you and your children for the rest of your lives, and why should he? He already has a daughter of his own.

You need to understand that YOU are responsible for yourself and your children. You need to start considering getting a job and making yourself independent.

From what you've said didn't fancy you from the start. The relationship grew with time and kind of fell into what you have now. This alone should be a warning flag that it was never the love of his life and was quite unstable from the start.
This poison isn't doing you or him any good. Start moves to get a job today. You'll have to eventually anyway.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 09:51

I have a job which I have had for 20 years, now working part time from
Home and a small business too. Just not loads of cash.
Yes, he always calls as soon as he leaves a show. Maybe there is nothing, maybe it is as someone else said he felt something he had to felt in our relationship for a while so ended ours - although that’s a pretty quick end with no option of working through it....
Maybe I’m feeling a bit stronger and coming to terms with things.

OP posts:
Mariell · 15/09/2021 09:54

You mentioned that he had been calling you during the day but you hadn’t answered.

What did he say when he got home?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 10:01

@dogmandu yes we started as friends and it developed overtime, our kids were quite young so things had to move slowly to make sure we were sure but we used to hang out as best friends most days until it went further then moved in about 6 months after.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 10:23

@Mariell he just said I tried to call you earlier, he doesn’t get funny about things like that as if I’m working I can’t always answer as I’m on calls a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 10:26

Maybe I’m naive but I thought a great friendship was the best way to start a relationship especially if it will
Be a long term one - there was flirting and physical contact as we got to know each other better.

OP posts:
Zucker · 15/09/2021 10:46

Yeah that's all great and wonderful. But your situation is going in the opposite way and no it's not a positive.

MsPavlichenko · 15/09/2021 10:53

You need to her him out your head . It doesn’t matter how he was back whenever he is behaving like a toddler now.

Please don’t waste another day endlessly thinking/posting/analysing. This relationship is over. Get a grip of yourself, get your arse into gear and start planning. You’ll actually start to feel better taking back control. And get him out of your bed.

MsPavlichenko · 15/09/2021 10:54

Tosser not toddler.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/09/2021 12:13

@ccat1901

Maybe I’m naive but I thought a great friendship was the best way to start a relationship especially if it will Be a long term one - there was flirting and physical contact as we got to know each other better.
Well yes it's great to go from friendship to a relationship.

But not from friendship to relationship then back to friendship with one party wanting to go back to relationship again...

MsPavlichenko · 15/09/2021 12:18

So lunchtime and still in your head.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 15/09/2021 17:15

@StormTreader she was working as far as I know, but I didnt ask. I asked last week, not this week.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 22/09/2021 11:08

I hope you've managed to make some progress OP. I have thought about you a lot and really hope you can find the strength and resources to extract yourself from this situation. Good luck.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 23/09/2021 10:36

Sorting out house so I’m on there.
He wanted to have sex as apparently I look hot

OP posts:
Justmi · 23/09/2021 10:42

Are you emotionally ready for him to pick you up and drop you as he pleases? Its hard when you want someone but if its not mutual you are in high risk, commitment is not all about feelings so please be careful being led by your emotions when the other party is clearly not committed.Hope it all works our for you x