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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 15:01

I think I’ve said this several times but you have two dependent children. You owe it to them to research a back up plan. And deal with the issues like your sons problems as you get to the. Back up plan first.
Deposits and shortage of rentals may be an issue but it doesn’t sound like you want investigate it
Who pays for what in your household. Is it fair? Could you argue for redistribution so you can save?
What benefits would you be entitled to?
Could you put your name on a housing waiting list?
Could you get extra support for your son if you left or to help him with the adjustment. Are the SEN at school any help? Or have advice on grant applications.
What’s the life insurance situation
What family support fo you have
Who owns the car
How much parenting does this man do for you children. Would it make a difference if you didn’t live together. Are there any other sources of support to tide you over. Realistically they are both growing up fast and won’t need childcare as such.
There are plenty of MNetters with more knowledge of these things than me. Some who have children with same issues as your son who could also give advice.

Why not start a thread and ask?

Until you start talking to people like CAB or family law consultation or Women’s Aid to find out what your real life rights and options are and create a back up plan for yourself and your children you are all in a very vulnerable position as this situation may not be as sustainable as you think, and should you be taking a risk like that.

The point of making a plan is that you don’t have to act on it until you are ready but when things suddenly go south you have real options, particularly if you have a child who has difficulties with change.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 15:09

@Clymene

I've just read through all the OP's posts and hasn't said he'd put her on the deeds. People suggested it and OP said she'd ask. I'm guessing she hasn't because it would rock the boat.
She said she would ask him and when people asked what his response was she said "He will put me on them".

I'd bet my life he hasn't proactively done anything about it though.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 15:10

It should read * problems as you get to them. Ie plan how it can be dealt with if you really have to deal with it but investigate the income/home situation first.
I know this is very difficult but sometimes it sounds like you are so involved in worrying about Him what he thinks, what he means with his vague platitudes when he’s the last damn person you should be worried about.
He can clearly fend very well for himself.
You have dependents and they must come first.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Clymene · 14/09/2021 15:11

She said she would ask, yes. But she hasn't.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 15:13

The only way to get him to put her on the deeds is to ask a solicitor how it could be done and present him with the paperwork and call his bluff.
That would also be one way of clarifying the entire situation.
If he only want to be friends why would he put her on the deeds to his house?
His daughter will be 18 and starting her adult life in two years.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 15:14

@Clymene

She said she would ask, yes. But she hasn't.
I read it as her confirming he said he would put her on the deeds, so did other people. Maybe we were wrong, OP would have to confirm 🤷🏻‍♀️
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/09/2021 15:16

OP it’s time to at least quietly look at the practical side of things, instead of just focusing on what he thinks/wants and how you can change his mind.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 15:18

I can’t see anything re deeds so sorry for banging on about something that isn’t there.

OP? You could be out on your arse tomorrow if he chose.

Time to read duckbilkedsplatterpuff’s post Chuck.

This ain’t going away.

1forAll74 · 14/09/2021 15:23

He seems to be making up his own rules about how things should be, mainly for his own benefit, like some mid life crisis thing. It would be then up to you, if you wan't to swing along with his version of a happy life. Of course, it won't make you feel good,if you can't go along with His personal views about your relationship.

I would not be advising anyone what they should do in this situation, and certainly not be thinking that he may, or want, to stray elsewhere, as nobody here knows what his personality and mindset is really like. Only you know what he is like,after knowing him quite a long time.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 15:30

1forAll74

You are right in that no one can tell OP what to do and she knows him best.

From her posts though he is telling her he doesn’t want her and in so many ways she is on a shoogly peg.

Going on what has been posted? I couldn’t stay with that level of head messing.

bigbaggyeyes · 14/09/2021 15:47

He said he would do what I wanted

Bullshit the a capital B !!

You've told him what you want and he's said no.

Clymene · 14/09/2021 16:01

Actually 'he will put me on them wasn't in response to people asking her if she'd spoken to him. She said 'ok' when people told her to ask and then 30 minutes later, after someone said he'd be mad to add her to them, the OP replied 'he will put me on them'.

So no, I don't think that's a confirmation that she has asked at all.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 16:02

Yes he said he would

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 16:04

@Clymene

Actually 'he will put me on them wasn't in response to people asking her if she'd spoken to him. She said 'ok' when people told her to ask and then 30 minutes later, after someone said he'd be mad to add her to them, the OP replied 'he will put me on them'.

So no, I don't think that's a confirmation that she has asked at all.

Jeez, sorry if people misunderstood what she said or read it differently to you. Not sure why you seem so peeved about it, nobody is making stuff up for a laugh here they're trying to help OP.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 16:05

@ccat1901

Yes he said he would
And has he done anything about it?
dogmandu · 14/09/2021 16:10

has the subject of the deeds of the house never come up in your relationship? has the precariousness of your situation never come up?what about marriage?

Clymene · 14/09/2021 16:12

@youvegottenminuteslynn - sorry I'm frustrated because I think the OP Is on a hiding to nothing. Why would a man who hasn't put her on the deeds in the course of their 9 year relationship put her on them now their relationship is over? He'd be crazy. It's just another bit of him trying to maintain the status quo because it suits him.

I really am going now because I can't bear to watch this very very slow motion car crash any longer.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 16:15

[quote Clymene]@youvegottenminuteslynn - sorry I'm frustrated because I think the OP Is on a hiding to nothing. Why would a man who hasn't put her on the deeds in the course of their 9 year relationship put her on them now their relationship is over? He'd be crazy. It's just another bit of him trying to maintain the status quo because it suits him.

I really am going now because I can't bear to watch this very very slow motion car crash any longer. [/quote]
I agree it would be ridiculous for him to do and that he won't do it. I just think that OP having an example of him saying one thing to placate her and very clearly not following through on it could help her see him differently and realise he's not on her side as such.

It is a very frustrating read I agree!

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 16:57

We were engaged but quite happy like that. He has always said it’s our house but when you’re in a great relationship of trust and love you believe your partner and didn’t feel the need to press the issue.
He said he would put me on the deeds, he isn’t financially driven (did earn good money before covid) but if I have ever asked for money he would always give me what I asked for.
He has said he doesn’t want me and the kids to leave the house (I know an easy life for him), but I will look into other options for us. I have some time off work so I can try and get a plan of some sort together

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 17:38

We were engaged but quite happy like that. He has always said it’s our house but when you’re in a great relationship of trust and love you believe your partner and didn’t feel the need to press the issue.

When you're in a great relationship with trust and love, if you genuinely view it as a joint asset - you put the other on the deeds. Or you see it as a sole asset, and don't. He didn't. He doesn't see it as a joint asset.

You asked him, at our suggestion, if he would add you to the deeds. He said yes. But he hasn't done it.

He trusts that you won't bring stuff up in case you rock the boat. He's relying on your compliance. Yuck.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 18:11

Well today I haven’t called him at work or while he is travelling to work tonight- he has called me several times
I’m trying to stop unnecessary contact especially that initiated by me.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 18:13

Have you picked up to him OP?

If so, why? He doesn’t deserve you jumping to attention.

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2021 18:35

Don’t talk to him at all. Use the time to start getting plans to leave in place. Get him out your bed too.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 18:35

I didn’t pick up one of the calls

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 18:37

If you knew for sure, 100%, from someone who can see into the future, that he would never ever change his mind about wanting a physical / romantic / sexual relationship with you then what would you do?

You need to do that.

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