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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 14/09/2021 12:58

He's flirting with you, kissing your forehead, calling you his girlfriend and him your boyfriend because he likes it... unfortunately not in the way you want him to like it. He likes it because it gives him a rush, a bit like doing things you enjoy but you know it's naughtily. It's the same rush adulterers get, it's an ego boost for him to flirt with someone who he knows fancies him. It doesn't mean he feels the same. He's simply filling his ego and making himself feel good. It's all about his wants and needs right now

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 13:01

@ccat1901

yes I have
And what did he say / dob
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 13:02

"And what did he say / do?" That was meant to say.

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Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
OhGiveUp · 14/09/2021 13:36

I had a friend who went through this. Her husband loved her, but wasn't IN love with her.
They continued to share a bed and actually have sex, even though he told her it was over.
However, she was continuing to provide him with a cook, cleaner, nanny and of course, a fuck buddy.
And all the while, he was unbeknown to her, seeing a woman who after a few weeks of the ridiculous charade, he moved in the same day as he kicked my friend out.
It was his house before he met my friend too so obviously he could do this.
She was heartbroken because like you, she swallowed his lies like a half starved piranha.
Have some dignity and move out now.

OhGiveUp · 14/09/2021 13:37

Sorry, partner not husband.

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2021 13:44

If he moves on and wants to move you out you’ll be gone ASAP I can assure you. I hear what you are saying re your DS but you need to start planning now. Better that than finding yourself homeless. If he offers financial help take it now before he changes your mind.

Your DC will be picking up on the atmosphere if nothing else. Don’t kid yourself about this please. Find your self respect. He’s a nasty piece of work, and the sooner you see it the better.

Clymene · 14/09/2021 13:59

Sorry I know I said I would go but he said he would move out or move the the garden room. Why haven't you told him to do that?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 14:07

He said he would do what I wanted

OP posts:
Mariell · 14/09/2021 14:12

@ccat1901

He said he would do what I wanted
So that he can turn it around and say to his girlfriends that he is in a loveless relationship and that it was you that made him sleep in the garden room.

He’s very, very sly.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 14:16

Maybe the long kiss on the forehead while he put his hands on my face was pity.
He will stay on the sofa downstairs with the dog and say it because of hot weather too hot for puppy upstairs- we did this in the last heat wave

OP posts:
dogmandu · 14/09/2021 14:24

OP are you hanging on here because of the security of the house? You've said it's his house . You are not married therefore you would be in a difficult position were he to want you to leave.
All this hanging on goes beyond normal behaviour.

I've wondered at times if you're not enjoying the drama and all the messages because your responses are always the same and show absolutely no sign of self help. You indicated at one point that you thought this was a partnership for life (or words to that effect) and I'm wondering if you are mourning the loss of somebody looking after you for the rest of your life rather than the loss of your partner himself.

He does not owe you that! You are responsible for yourself and your children. Many of us have had to take charge of our own lives. It's not easy but we can't always have somebody come in and do it for us.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 14:25

It might have been pity.

It sounds as though he is sucking out common sense.

If he doesn’t wish physical contact from you, he doesn’t get to touch you.

I know it hurts. You keep saying it hurts.

You are letting him hurt you a little more every day.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 14:26

How can people be so duplicitous?! Saying “love you”, wanting all the benefits of a relationship without the intimacy acting like they are enjoying company. I honestly never thought he was like this at all, I saw his last break up and he was always so respectful to his ex even though she was horrific.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 14:26

@dogmandu

OP are you hanging on here because of the security of the house? You've said it's his house . You are not married therefore you would be in a difficult position were he to want you to leave. All this hanging on goes beyond normal behaviour.

I've wondered at times if you're not enjoying the drama and all the messages because your responses are always the same and show absolutely no sign of self help. You indicated at one point that you thought this was a partnership for life (or words to that effect) and I'm wondering if you are mourning the loss of somebody looking after you for the rest of your life rather than the loss of your partner himself.

He does not owe you that! You are responsible for yourself and your children. Many of us have had to take charge of our own lives. It's not easy but we can't always have somebody come in and do it for us.

I think while this might be difficult for you to read Op, it's absolutely on the money. His child is his responsibility and your child is yours. His home is his and while it feels unfair as you've made a home there, it's his house.

He said he would add you to the deeds. I'm guessing he hasn't actually started the process of doing so? Empty words.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 14:27

He is like that though.

Read back your posts.

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2021 14:28

It doesn’t matter why at this point. He is and you need to deal with it. Wake up.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 14:31

@ccat1901

How can people be so duplicitous?! Saying “love you”, wanting all the benefits of a relationship without the intimacy acting like they are enjoying company. I honestly never thought he was like this at all, I saw his last break up and he was always so respectful to his ex even though she was horrific.
It doesn't matter why he is like this, what matters is why you are accepting it.

That is what you need to unravel to save your mental health and start taking steps to untangle your lives.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 14:37

The post by dogmandu and lynn
Are absolutely spot on the money.

Why on earth would he really put you on the deeds?

Legally he owes you next to nowt. The house is his. You aren’t entitled to it. It was your home granted but it is his house.

He doesn’t want to be thought of as the bad bastard here because he would prefer you leave and wear that cloak.

If you think he is going to give you anything you are mistaken.

If he was decent and living up to his puffy good man stance he would give you 6 months rent and a deposit for a new place. Help you find that place. He hasn’t.

He is waiting for you to walk. Cheaper and less hassle and he gets to be the Prince.

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 14:44

Have you put your name on the deeds to the house yet

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 14:46

If he puts your name on the deeds then I’ll have to hold my hands up and admit I’m at a loss as to what he is up to.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 14:50

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

If he puts your name on the deeds then I’ll have to hold my hands up and admit I’m at a loss as to what he is up to.
Same. He won't though.

He said he would, he won't have mentioned it since, if OP brings it up again he'll say of course he'll do it, but he won't and round and round they'll go.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2021 14:57

Aye Lynn. If he wanted her name on the deeds it would have been done years ago.

And if he meant it now then he would have tried to make it so.

He hasn’t. Volumes spoken.

Clymene · 14/09/2021 14:59

I've just read through all the OP's posts and hasn't said he'd put her on the deeds. People suggested it and OP said she'd ask. I'm guessing she hasn't because it would rock the boat.

thesunwillout · 14/09/2021 15:00

I'm sure I read op said he said he would put her on the deeds.

Redgeraniums · 14/09/2021 15:01

She definitely did say he would put her on the deeds

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