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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 13/09/2021 21:17

I think he's set himself free in his head to flirt with this other woman.

He's keeping you in love with him.

It is not nice and it's beyond cruel.

He sounds like he's lost the plot.

You replied to me that yes he's a smoker, keep your eye on that increasing.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 13/09/2021 21:36

HE has no idea How much calling me his girlfriend or him my boyfriend affected me today.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/09/2021 21:50

If you left him you wouldn’t have this angst about what he calls you.

You are prolonging the agony.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
candycane222 · 13/09/2021 22:12

He doesn't want anyone to know he's dumped you, does he? He is such a coward Angry

Original poster
ccat1901 · 13/09/2021 22:18

I didn’t want to say anything to the kids,but on a previous post he didn’t want to tell his mum.
I will have to make a change soon as it’s such a rollercoaster- like just now I was on the settee and he took my face in his hands and planted a long kiss on my forehead.
It’s been such a short space of time but I can see I’m getting to the end of misreading actions/words/behaviour which just plunge me back to where I was and feeling stupid. I need to find some more strength

OP posts:
Moviestar · 13/09/2021 22:44

Please excuse the vulgarity but tell him to go away and pelt shit at himself.
Long kisses on your forehead my arse.
OP i have felt very sorry for you but you cant let this rubbish go on.
apologies again for vulgarity but this is beyond a joke now.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/09/2021 22:47

Vulgarity from me too I'm afraid, I'm reverting to my original opinion of him.

The long forehead kiss?

He's such a cunt.

Manipulative and cruel.

This man will make you feel increasingly shit, confused and mental.

Then leave you for someone else. And he'll have told them you're mental. Even though he's the one who has driven you crazy by that point.

Tale as old as time.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/09/2021 22:52

I said it early on OP.

He is messing with you until you break. You end it and he ends up the wronged ‘un.

You can change the narrative on this pish.

He doesn’t want a physical relationship? Yet you allow him to kiss you and to have the contact he wants.

Nay lass.

He is having you on. And getting you to leave so he can keep his nest for his next bird.

No house is worth your well being.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 06:52

I’m falling for the act

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 07:35

I know I shouldn’t have let him kiss me on the forehead twice last night, I know that really, but if you still love someone and want to be loved......

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 14/09/2021 08:27

@ccat1901

I know I shouldn’t have let him kiss me on the forehead twice last night, I know that really, but if you still love someone and want to be loved......
You are a grown woman!!

Can you not start to act like one?

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2021 08:42

I have said it as have others. We know you still love him. We know it’s difficult . You need to change things here regardless. As many women have forced themselves to do previously. God knows what your DC are picking up on, and don’t try to kid yourself they aren’t. This situation is toxic and you’re enabling it. Plan to get out.

Clymene · 14/09/2021 08:51

You are now the architect of your own misery. He is fucking with your head because you're allowing him to.

WHY AREN'T YOU MAKING PLANS TO LEAVE? ConfusedConfusedConfused

And please don't say because you love him.

welliesarefuntowear · 14/09/2021 09:05

You'll see eventually. I've been where you are. You are doing the pick me dance. It just prolongs the agony. He doesn't care about you. He is seeing someone else. At some point you will find out the truth. Find your anger. It's the only thing that will save you. You will be fine on your own. I promise. It's so much better than the what you're ending.

welliesarefuntowear · 14/09/2021 09:06

*enduring

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 11:35

@Clymene leaving is not a practical option - see previous posts. My son has autism and it took nearly 9 months to get him to move bedrooms so that on its own is a huge challenge. Add to that I dont have enough savings for deposit and rent and there are few properties around at the moment. Not excuses, that’s the reality

OP posts:
Mariell · 14/09/2021 11:38

[quote ccat1901]@Clymene leaving is not a practical option - see previous posts. My son has autism and it took nearly 9 months to get him to move bedrooms so that on its own is a huge challenge. Add to that I dont have enough savings for deposit and rent and there are few properties around at the moment. Not excuses, that’s the reality[/quote]
But there is the option to move him out of your bed and into the garden room.

There is the option to shove him off you when he starts being affectionate.

There it’s the option to stop referring to him as your boyfriend and to correct him when he refers to you as his girlfriend.

There is the option to start calling the shots.

StormTreader · 14/09/2021 11:47

Flirting with someone is fun, knowing someone wants you is an ego boost.
He keeps yanking your chain because he's constantly checking that you're still into him, then he goes to work and flirts with this other girl too, and maybe other women as well. All these women wanting him, what an ego boost wave he's riding!

It's at the expense of your happiness of course but he's probably telling himself if you really were unhappy then you'd leave and you're still here so......

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 11:50

@MsPavlichenko no kids haven’t picked up on anything. Everything is the same, my daughter came into ask us advice on a
School project and if she picked up on something she would definitely tell me. She has in the past when he was working away and I was missing him (few years ago). They just see him picking up all the things I would usually do but can’t because of broken toe and mealtime is still the same.

OP posts:
Clymene · 14/09/2021 11:57

I'm not clear what you want from this thread so I'm going to leave it because I'm finding your passivity very frustrating.

As Mariell has said, there are a number of boundaries you could put in place but you're choosing not to.

Good luck.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 12:07

Yes @Mariell is right, I’m trying. Tuesday is a bad day for me(see previous posts) but I am getting flashes of anger at how he could destroy our life

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 12:35

Its all just so fast....only 2 weeks and 2 days since the “letter”

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/09/2021 12:43

Are you unwilling even to tell him it's no longer fair to share a bed?

If not then I don't really know what else anyone can say to help.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 14/09/2021 12:54

yes I have

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 14/09/2021 12:55

[quote ccat1901]@Polkadots2021 people on here have said that and the web sites I have read. But part of me doesn’t want to pull that bandaid off in case he disappears completely. But I can see that he has made this decision and there are no consequences just things the same for him and I’m suffering heartbreak[/quote]
Pull the band aid off, as for him he's already moved on and is flirting, dating, whatever. It's hard to hear, but he's never coming back and he's literally putting you through torture. He told you it's over romantically to be able to claim he can do what he likes now with other girls as you two are 'just friends'.

He will never disappear completely - he will hand round like a bad smell for so long you will get sick of him, move on happily and eventually block him for being a sad lechy twat years later like I did.