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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 31/08/2021 11:29

He can't have what he wants. He thinks he can drop the romantic aspect of your relationship and live together as friends? No way if you don't feel the same.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 11:32

Cake and eating it springs ho mind!

He is saying he wants to be able to sleep with other women should he choose to whimsy your carry on in the background playing happy families.

He is not your best friend as a true friend would not manipulate you or want to ‘use’ you in this way.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:37

He said he loves me so much and will always love and be here for me. This is from the letter he wrote, he said things can be better between us as a result of this. I'm not always easy to talk to and won't take no for an answer so has he just said no to sex to stop the relationship, work on the friendship and see what happens? I just can't be single and can't disrupt the kids lives, i love him so much

OP posts:

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Mariell · 31/08/2021 11:41

He wrote you a letter so as to emotionally detach himself from you.

He wants you where he has got you. Trapped and playing housekeeper, mum, companion when needed whilst he can go about his business as he sees fit.

The weekend you plan a nice walk in the countryside because you and him are such good friends will often be cancelled as he’s off with another woman.

Loving someone isn’t trapping them so that they fit into the mould of how you want them to be.

Sorry to burst your bubble but he sounds horrible.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 11:43

Does he contribute 50/50 financially and domestically?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 11:44

Oops. Pressed post too soon.
Or is he wanting to keep his feet under the table and get domestic services while taking his dick to visit new locations?

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:45

yes we have been together for 9 years and he said he doesn't want anything to change. We can't disrupt the kids but this feels like torture. If he wants to build a closer friendship and spend more time together than before, what does that mean?!?!

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 11:46

It means he's full of shit and something else is going on

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:48

He swears that there is no one else involved. He did say that at one of his shows (he is an entertainer) a girl there helped the show (which I would normally do but couldn't because of kids and dog) and he said he did some tricks with her (acro balance) and said he felt a sort of connection that we were missing. He said that nothing has happened or is likely to happen. He hasn't lied to me at all in the past (that I know of!)

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 11:50

Yeah. They all say that.

Whatever the truth, he's offering you a half life and you deserve more than that
If he doesn't want to be your husband then he should leave not offer you a few friendship crumbs to keep you hoping he'll want you eventually while he has a good sniff round elsewhere.

FlowerArranger · 31/08/2021 11:52

@ccat1901 - it's known as the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech...

Look it up. It's usually closely followed by the "I've met someone" speech Flowers

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 11:53

Well he is the one disrupting the girls by trying to get you to live as his housekeeper / childcare provider / friend. He is manipulating you so he can shag 'connection' girl, or some other woman who comes along. I think he needs to move out so you can find a connection with someone who reciprocates.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 31/08/2021 11:53

How can you and he move on of you continue to live in each other’s pockets. As hard as it is it will be better if you split completely otherwise neither of you will/if you want to find someone else

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 31/08/2021 11:53

No fucking way. He wants to string you along and keep the convenient part of your relationship while being free to do what he wants - and if you get upset, he’ll say he’s been honest with you and you’re not together “like that”.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2021 11:53

If he wants to build a closer friendship and spend more time together than before, what does that mean?!?!

He's lying to you and hoping you're desperate enough to go along with his "plan." He wants to keep his life easy while being able to sleep with other women, and you won't be able to object because he's told you you're relationship is just a friendship. He wants you to be his doormat. Fuck that. I suspect he's already cheating, as his roll out of the Script is quite suspect.

cstaff · 31/08/2021 11:54

It sounds like he wants to keep you on as his housekeeper / child minder (or driver since they are teenagers) but also have the freedom to play around.

As a stranger reading your posts that is what I am picking up. Sorry

Maassi · 31/08/2021 11:55

He's sleeping with someone else or wants to and also wants home comforts without you making relationship demands.

He does NOT love you. REPEAT. He does NOT love you.

He is attempting to use you and gaslight you. He's showing you how he feels about you through his disrespectful actions. He's telling you that he wants to play you for a mug through his actions. Believe THAT not his cheap words.

OP take control of this situation now before it spirals into something even worse and tell him to fuck off.

Peachy92 · 31/08/2021 11:58

If he really feels that way you should sit down with the kids and have him explain that to them because they should know what the house situation really is. Let him tell them what he's told you and see if he thinks that's fair. Because like everyone else has said he definitely wants his cake after he ate it. Got a house keeper and mum to run his domicile whilst he goes and does what he pleases without the guilt because he's "been honest with you".

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 12:00

Thanks for your messages - we started our relationship as being friends for a long time before anything happened. Then together for 9 years - last year was hard for me mentally as hindsight shows you this. He has promised everything will stay the same and that he is not looking for anyone else. I am out of shape due to the lockdown/menopause so maybe us going to the gym together (which we did for a few years before lockdown) and me feeling better about myself is what he wants? we went today and it was great! Our anniversary should have been at end of sept and I said that I had planned for us to go away for a night in our van - he said we can still do this. I'm just confused - do I stay until the dust settles, work on our friendship and see if his feelings change? Obviously they did at the beginning of our relationship.....

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/08/2021 12:02

If you want to. 🤷‍♀️ It's up to you.
Depends if it will make you happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2021 12:04

He has promised everything will stay the same and that he is not looking for anyone else.

He's lying.

FinallyHere · 31/08/2021 12:09

asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it

Oh lovely, don't do that

asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it

he loves me so much and will always love and be here for me

Oh, please. Don't fall for this. You are a great person and deserve so.much.more than this have his cake snd eat it merchant.

lking679 · 31/08/2021 12:09

Don’t try and appeal to him or placate him, if you do all that it won’t do any good and you’ll feel pathetic and lose yourself.
You are worthy of love and romance just for being you.
I can understand the feeling of loss and I’m sorry. And I can understand concern at disruption to children, if he wants to continue living together I would say only so long as neither of you don’t get romantically involved with anyone else because it’s not fair and would cause you great pain. In a few years if the kids are older or in higher education then I would consider a separation so you can both move on.
In the meantime come up with a plan for yourself, what interests you. Do you want to go to the gym, start exercise, slimming world? A local class, other interests or go out more with friends? If he wants to join you for something then fine but I suggest you start to think of yourself and more independently so you can edge towards moving on.
I actually read Helen thorns book “get divorced be happy” (not divorcing just because I think it’s funny). She found out her husband had been having an affair, she still loved him though.
I suggest you read it doesn’t make any difference if it’s a long term relationship or a marriage.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 12:09

No man or woman come to think of it, utters the words ‘I’m not looking for anyone else’, and means them!

It’s a statement to placate, mislead and is spoken with a forked tongue.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 12:14

Have you run it past him that whilst you and him are going to be best buddies that every Friday evening until Sunday afternoon he will be having the kids as that’s your ‘me’ time and you’ll be staying at Roger the handsome hunk from number 36?

As you’re best friends he couldn’t possibly mind could he?

Find that laughable? Well, sober up and reverse the roles and it’s Janet instead of Roger!

That is how your life will be if you accept his selfish terms!