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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 31/08/2021 17:25

My god he’s a cruel man

If you started as best friends and then it turned into partners you can’t just scrap the partner bit and go back to BFF.

One has to take the consequences, if you don’t love someone romantically but they love you, you certainly cannot let them feel that there is hope when there isn’t any. Or offer them scraps because you like having a best friend.
It’s a consequence of leaving someone.

And it’s cruel and heartless for him to offer you these scraps.

He’s a selfish fucker and I feel your pain having been dragged through something similar. It’s awful, and the kindest thing he could do is walk away and let you live your life. Not this shitty half life.

An OW is almost irrelevant. He’s also not going to tell you the truth, and he’s going to make you feel like you’re some mad insecure crazy so you end up accepting this half life.

dworky · 31/08/2021 17:43

He's showing no respect for your feelings.

If he feels the relationship is over, then he needs to find a new place to live so you can both get on with your respective lives.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 17:45

@frogswimming he pays the mortgage, SKy/broadband, gas/electric and I pay council tax, water, insurance and we split for food bill. Always have.
Neither of us has any significant money to try and rent somewhere and at the moment renting is a nightmare :(

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
AffableApple · 31/08/2021 18:21

Please go and get some legal advice asap

CatrinVennastin · 31/08/2021 18:31

So you had depression and your sex life suffered and this made him fall out of love with you?

Instead of caring for you and helping you recover?

You sound lovely OP and he sounds like a twat.

I hope you post in a few weeks saying you have chucked him out and are as they say are living your best life without him.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 18:36

@CatrinVennastin it's only now we have talked that it what it possibly was along with the peri-menopause. The lockdown didn't help = before that we had a lot more time together but as he is self employed all work was cancelled so he began building and was more tired and away from home longer. I guess there were a number of factors but I really did think we would get through it and he would want to try.

OP posts:
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 31/08/2021 18:39

Please don't accept this half life he is offering you, they all say there's no one else but there nearly always is. At the very least his heads been turned and he's lining someone else up. The whole " I love you but am not in love with you" is such a give away.
Listen to the advice on here and try not to let practicalities, lack of money etc stop you from planning your next step.
You deserve more Flowers

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 18:45

@Shimmyshimmycocobop I guess i am naive and still in shock as he wrote in the letter how much he loves me and will always love me but not in a romantic way, on the phone today saying I love you, but I guess that means as a friend and not partner and I'm just grasping at straws.
this forum has been so helpful, I'm less tearful and trying to be strong but I think I need time to process.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 31/08/2021 18:46

I would suggest you accept what he says, and take this as the opportunity to work on yourself. If you really were separated and living separately you'd be trying to lose some weight, getting a new hairstyle and going out with your friends. Make the most of your new, single lifestyle. If he asks what's going on, just say you're a single woman doing what single women do. He might begin to see you in a new light.

Guineapigbridge · 31/08/2021 18:48

It just sounds to me like he wants a sexless marriage. But you don't.
Sexless marriages do work. Lots of older people cohabit like that. They just can't be arsed with it anymore.

Bordois · 31/08/2021 18:49

If he's admitted to feeling a connection then its highly likely he has already shagged her. Sounds like he is keeping his options open so if it doesn't pan out he can all of a sudden decide he does fancy you after all.

Marni83 · 31/08/2021 18:51

[quote ccat1901]@frogswimming he pays the mortgage, SKy/broadband, gas/electric and I pay council tax, water, insurance and we split for food bill. Always have.
Neither of us has any significant money to try and rent somewhere and at the moment renting is a nightmare :([/quote]
I have a feeling that
It’s financial motivation
If neither of you can afford to rent
And he doesn’t have an OW to move in with
Then…. Sort of stuck together

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 18:51

Sexless marriages and companionship is all very well.

Not quite fair though if one party wants all the benefits of a partnership with one person and sex with another, leaving the actual partner wanting.

Guineapigbridge · 31/08/2021 18:55

I agree. A sexless marriage works when there is faithfulness. Otherwise it's an open marriage. I think he wants an open marriage (ie to shag other people) but is too chickenshit to say it.

thingymaboob · 31/08/2021 19:01

@ccat1901 what he is doing would torture any woman. It's unbearably cruel. You can't possibly cohabit with him under these circumstances. You obviously lack confidence and belief in yourself as only someone with extremely low self esteem and little self worth would allow this to happen. I mean this in the nicest possible way - you need to be strong and find some self respect. If you continue to stay with him under these circumstances you'll grow into a shell of a woman - always anxious, second guessing yourself, pining for a relationship which will never happen. He's got you wrapped around his little finger. You know you won't ever move on if he's around. You deserve a good life which is full of love & sex. That's what you want and you deserve it, no matter what you think of yourself right now. Please don't let him treat you like this.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 19:07

Do you know, when we were first friends, best friends with benefits - before we officially started a relationship he did go on dating websites and saw a couple of other people even though we had benefits. I was ok ish with this but I knew we were getting closer emotionally and we did work for 9 years - this feels like we are back at square one.

OP posts:
Mynextname · 31/08/2021 19:07

He is telling you he still wants to be friends and that he loves you and cares about you still because despite him knowing he wants it to be over the break up is still difficult for him and it eases his guilt. He wants someone else but he doesn't want to hurt you in the process.

He doesn't realise he is actually being very selfish trying to keep you on side rather than properly ending it and separating. You need to move out. Whilst it may take you time to get over this you will. People get over relationships all the time. I understand you are hurting and you want to cling on but you really are just prolonging the agony. You deserve the chance to find someone that really wants you and makes you happy one day, even if you can't imagine that right now.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 19:11

I've just re read the letter - the last part says "please don't be sad, look to the amazing future we have. I love you x"

This group is good therapy, thank you

OP posts:
candycane222 · 31/08/2021 19:11

He wants to move out into his love nest shed while you stay in the house to take responsibility for the kids?

I mean -- Shock Shock

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 19:13

@candycane222 just sleep in there, nothing else would change he said. He hasn't slept in there yet, but that is because I didnt want that and didn't want the kids to see/know until I can speak about it without breaking down.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 31/08/2021 19:16

God I’m so sorry OP. He is chicken shit.
As many men sadly are

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 19:19

He has an amazing future. Having connections. A nice home. An easy life. Care for his kids. The occasional ‘things men like’.

You get half a life. Cooking, cleaning, caring. Waiting for any crumb he might give you. While he fucks around with your tacit permission. Fine if you are good with that. Not at all fine if you aren’t.

Nothing will change? Nope. It won’t for him. All benefits and connections as and when.

It will change for you.

It is not a life OP. It is not.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 19:24

@SheldonesqueTheBstard he made it clear he doesn't want me to touch him. It sounds so bad reading what everyone has said.

I do love him very much but my son is the one who I am most worried about. He has autism and the last few years at school he has finally settled (after a difficult few years). My ex has helped every step of the way and said he will continue to do so (he is not his biological son), but it took us nearly 9 months to get my son to change bedrooms and at school if the lunch menu is different that causes a meltdown, I feel stuck especially after all of your advice

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 31/08/2021 19:25

Some couples split up but stay together as a 'couple' of friends, but get on better than they did before. BUT both parties have to want that for it to work. You don't, so it won't.

Whether or not there's someone else is pretty irrelevant, and I wouldn't ask him again. What he's offering you (actually what he's demanding from you) is going to cause you pain every day. And if/when he does meet someone else and it's a sexual relationship, what the hell are you going to feel? Knowing that he's enjoying someone else stroking his back, but coming home to you for the mundane stuff?

He's not being realistic. Going travelling together? Playing happy families while all the while you're screaming inside?

I think you have to rip the plaster off quickly and tell him it's over. That you don't want the crumbs from his table. He doesn't get to decide unilaterally how you are going to live. I know you're bothered about the children, his as well as yours, but you can't put yourself through this. You'll end up as a shell of the real you. His DD will work through it in therapy (remember that it's her dad who's caused this, not you) and it may take a while but your DS will get over it and move on. Be strong and don't play into his fantasy, one that takes no heed of your wants.

Excelthetube · 31/08/2021 19:27

He can still help with your son. He can still come over and be a dad to him. Nothing is changing that.
And as gently as possible you will make yourself seriously ill if you stay in this situation. It’s no life.

I can tell you’re scared too, but honestly, you could die tomorrow. He could die tomorrow. You cannot protect your son from the outside world forever. It’s simply not possible.

Is there a charity that might be able to help with your son? Even in the basics like how to tell him? How to frame it.