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Original poster

Relationship ended but not what I want :(

758 replies

ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 11:27

My partner of 9 years has just told me that he loves me but not in a romantic way anymore. I asked if we could try the sexual side again and he said he doesn't feel it and that he doesn't want any counselling. I am going through the menopause and we talked and I was depressed for much of last year so our sex life suffered. I started new vitamins and now I feel great and was up for sex but that is when this happened and he wanted to end things. We live together with my 2 children my 15 year old has autism) and his 16 year old daughter (who has suffered mentally when with her mother). He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple. He said he wants to go to the gym and try yoga and hang out with me as I'm his best friend and wants us to be closer than before. I'm absolutely devastated - I love him and want him but he blankly said no. We can't cause the kids upheaval at the moment with exams and final years in school but do you think spending "more quality time together than before" as he said means he may change his mind? Or is he saying this to soften the blow? I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 13:27

The whole sharing a bed was my idea - I know he doesn't want me in that way, but I broke down yesterday and I needed that reassurance. He did not disagree. He has hugged me today after we finished at the gym and said he loves me several times today already. From what you are all advising it is just to soften the blow of what is to come....

OP posts:
SomethingNastyintheBallPool · 31/08/2021 13:34

Oh, he is SUCH a fucker. I know you're upset and in shock, OP, but please wake up and see that what he's suggesting is completely and utterly unfair on you. You may settle for it at first, but it will doom you to more and more misery. He's history. Please give yourself a chance to be happy.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/08/2021 13:40

This reminds me of when I asked my husband if he still loved me. He replied with "I don't know, but you're my best friend". He was shagging someone else I discovered a week or so later but anyway, I didn't want a best friend without the husband I married too. I had lots of friends already.

He doesn't want you but doesn't want to lose the bits that work in his favour or for you to find someone else, which you never will while in this situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Relationship problems Women's health
Mariell · 31/08/2021 13:41

You think he’s trying to soften the blow?!

No. It’s to manipulate you into thinking he’s Mr Nice Guy when nothing could be further from the truth.

Telling you that he loves you one minute but refuses to sleep with you and tells you that he didn’t like you stroking your back.

Imagine stroking and petting a dog one minute so that when they come up to you all bright eyes and tails wagging and you push them away!

The dog is confused and doesn’t understand what they did wrong. So they get harder and wag their tail more and roll over on their back go expose their belly which is their weak spot to show that they are subservient to their master and eager to please.

That’s exactly what is happening here with you.

Mariell · 31/08/2021 13:42

Try harder not get harder!

AffableApple · 31/08/2021 13:48

@ccat1901

But if he doesn't fancy me, what's the point on building a stronger friendship? He has said we are invited to our friends house tomorrow night for drinks and has said we will go
You're not a couple. He doesn't get to accept on your behalf. Next week he might want to take someone else. What then? You need to live separately. Your former partner is skipping ahead to hacienda days when you're both long past the relationship and are friends and co-parents. There's a lot of pain to get through first before you can even consider that happening, and it may never work for you. He is going to hurt you because he's keeping you where it's convenient for him - both geographically and emotionally. You need to take control of this.
Returnoftheowl · 31/08/2021 14:02

he wants you where he has got you. Trapped and playing housekeeper, mum, companion when needed whilst he can go about his business as he sees fit

Absolutely this. He's got you at home looking after kids and dog, he's then free to do what he wants. He's telling you there isn't someone else but that seems unlikely.
Don't do the pick me dance, know your self worth.

Think of it this way... If in a few years one of your kids came to you and told you this story and asked your advice, what would you think? I'd struggle to imagine you'd think it was a good idea.

1WayOrAnother2 · 31/08/2021 14:02

OP Flowers this sounds like a nightmare.

He seems to have 'checked out' of your marriage already.

You say he had a bad break-up with hit ex. Perhaps all this 'lets be friends and hold hands in bed' is about avoiding that fight. If he can friend zone you - the drama is diffused.

Sillyotter · 31/08/2021 14:13

He’s being incredibly cruel. If you really can’t upheave the kids for a set amount of time then you need to be firm and set it all out. I.e continue to live together until x time because of the kids, but no more sleeping in the same bed etc. All romance stops. He wants to have his cake and eat it and keep you around for comfort while he’s essentially given himself permission to play away.

You need to stand up for yourself and stop torturing yourself about why and what if. He’s ended it, that was his choice and now all romantic relationships privileges stop with it, that’s how it goes.

AffableApple · 31/08/2021 14:15

@Maassi

Why are you refusing to accept what every single woman on here has said to you OP?

Why bury your head in the sand and wait for him to destroy your life? Find your fucking RAGE!

Please find your rage. I promise you're just delaying the inevitable. If you're not in excruciating pain now, you soon will be. It is unavoidable. It will be less painful to set things in motion which suit you as well as him for the foreseeable. He is looking after himself, who is looking after your best interests?
TheWeatherWitch · 31/08/2021 14:21

He wants us to live together and nothing change apart from not being a couple

So he wants you to cook his dinner, change the sheets, iron his shirts and post his mums birthday card but he still wants to live the single life…screw that.

Tell him he needs to be out before the end of September.

TheWeatherWitch · 31/08/2021 14:24

Just read your update.
it sounds like he's already got a girlfriend.

You’ve been given a lot of great advice on here @ccat1901. Shame you’re ignoring it all and lining up for even bigger heartbreak.

ProudAlly · 31/08/2021 14:29

Having been through it myself I have to agree with PPs that there is certainly a OW out there. Sorry OP

thenewduchessofhastings · 31/08/2021 14:31

No he wants to carrying on living together to pool resources,have someone else there to look after his daughter,have someone did the shopping,cooking,cleaning,laundry etc

He basically wants a nanny and house keeper and someone to hang out with when he's at a loose end all whilst having the freedom to shag other women.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/08/2021 14:32

He wants the ability to see other people and have a sexual relationship with them without the label of being an adulterer. But he also wants to keep this lifestyle he has with you. Problem with this is it's all his way, no compromise on his behalf and you get half a life and will have to eventually watch him build a relationship with someone else. Then he'll drop you like a hot potato, and move in with his new interest and she'll be his best mate. You'll be left as a shell of your former self and feel even worse than you do now.

I know it's painful but please read this OP. This is a glimpse of your future if you agree to his weird and frankly arrogant as fuck suggestion.

He gets to have his cake and eat it.

You get the odd crumb and to watch him eat his with your face pressed up against the glass.

Fuck that. You'll end up a shell of the person you are and the person you could be.

You sound very submissive, passive and conflict avoidant. I would strongly suggest you have some counselling WITHOUT him to get your head around all this and also to develop some skills around setting appropriate boundaries and saying no.

Because he will leave you fully at some point and when he does, it'll be every person for themselves.

Put yourself first. This relationship is too broken to be fixed, but you aren't.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 14:37

I’ll speak to him tonight and ask again for the hundredth time is he has been seeing someone else or is looking for someone else. I didn’t think he would soften the blow as he was pretty harsh yesterday with “no” to trying again, and he saw how upset that made me. I just didn’t think he would carry on and make plans and want to make our friendship closer - if we get closer (we are pretty close but obviously not sexually) surely he will feel a stronger emotional bond with me how can he have another relationship?

OP posts:
frogswimming · 31/08/2021 14:41

"I’ll speak to him tonight and ask again for the hundredth time is he has been seeing someone else or is looking for someone else. "

Does it really matter? He doesn't want sex with you. He's not going to remain celibate so he will meet someone eventually. Also, he already told you he had a 'connection' with someone else. He has already told you he's interested in someone else - listen.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/08/2021 14:41

He has been honest in that he has finished it because you are no longer what he wants.

If you think he is going to tell you the truth at the 101st time of asking, you are seriously mistaken.

Read the posts OP. Pick up your self respect and leave.

ThatsAllFolks · 31/08/2021 14:43

No, no, no, no, no. U r worth more than this xx

FatCatThinCat · 31/08/2021 14:44

Stop torturing yourself. It doesn't matter if he's seeing someone else or not. It doesn't matter what he says about being besties or his motivation. Your relationship is over. He doesn't want to be with you.

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2021 14:48

Dont speak to him. Please take some time out for you and seriously think about how you would move out. Since it his house I guess you will have to move- what are your options? How can you make it easiest on your ds? It will be so much easier if you’ve planned and got your head around.

StormTreader · 31/08/2021 14:58

"I’ll speak to him tonight and ask again for the hundredth time is he has been seeing someone else or is looking for someone else. "

Why? You know what he'll say so why bother? Things will never go back to "you two are together and monogamous with each other", that time of your life is over.

You need to decide how you want the rest of your life to be now because if you dont then he will decide for you, and you can bet there will be a lot of cleaning and cooking and heartbreak for you where you torture yourself with who hes with and what hes doing in his version.

Original poster
ccat1901 · 31/08/2021 14:58

I’m a fool- he said it was a feeling but wasn’t sure that anything would happen but just knew it was what we were missing and said nothing would for the time being. I do have low self esteem after putting on weight and then for someone you love most in the whole world to say they don’t find you attractive is devastating. He picked me up after my awful ex and I did the same for him and the whole relationship til now has been great with an incredible sex life

OP posts:
Avinagiraffe83 · 31/08/2021 15:15

Tell him to get to fuck! Honestly Confused cheeky bastard he is. This might be 1 ov the worst things I have read on here

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/08/2021 15:16

This must be torture, but you don't need him to go to counselling. Go on your own and get some advice. It sounds like he has always had the upper hand in this relationship and you have been knocked for six by this announcement but you need to stop expecting him to change his mind and switch everything back to how things were before. He doesn't want to be part of a couple. He wants you to be a "friend" which most pp on here think translates as "housekeeper/cook/childminder/chauffer" - not partner.
All the things you mentioned that he says sound very hard to believe, especially when added on to the fundamental facts which is that he has said very clearly you have split up as a couple. Also. What is he planning with his van? that he's offering to let you see what work is being done and how much it will cost. That all sounds really odd.
You need to get some advice on what your options are and talking to someone would be a good way to start this.
You have a responsibility to yourself and your DS to look at your options as you move forward and not rely on him having a magic change of heart. Also, he is not your friend, he is someone who wants to end your relationship so don't confide in him