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Original poster

Weirdest thing someone's said to you just after sex...?

180 replies

Alcemeg · 27/08/2021 15:54

Out of sympathy for the traumatised @Sanddown, I thought I'd share the weirdest thing someone said to me after sex.

After my divorce, I was seduced by a gorgeous guy. It was just like that Brad Pitt scene in Thelma and Louise.

When I woke the next morning, I heard him say, "You're SO beautiful," and I opened my eyes in surprise... to see him -- LOOKING IN THE MIRROR 🤨

It turned out to be a bit of a clue as to how the next 6 years would go, but at the time I was grateful anyway 😋

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 28/08/2021 14:55

DP often says “jobs done you can go home now”. And I hate it. We’ve been together over two years and only spent the night together a handful of times. We usually have sex then he expects me to leave or if at mine he leaves almost immediately after.

Oh @Cocopogo, that's so sad. You need the Relationships board, I reckon. You take care.

shewalkslikerihanna · 28/08/2021 15:17

@SpindleWhorl
Yes not acceptable

Everything else
Hilarious

Abhannmor · 28/08/2021 15:21

@Craftycorvid

I think the ‘well done’ and head pat post-BJ wins. Did he think he was training a border collie? (um, let’s not go there....).

I had a lovely FWB who could destroy a ‘moment’ with a remark about the weather/having a cup of tea etc. I got used to it. Grin

Ah yes but post coital cuppa is rather wonderful!
StrongerThanA90sTrend · 28/08/2021 15:34

To himself (I'm assuming??) : "Aaahhhh, I just had sex with [my name], she's hot!"

At the time I thought it was incredibly sweet (I liked him A LOT) but looking back, it's a bit weird isn't it?? Grin We were quite young at the time ... (19/20)

APJ1 · 28/08/2021 15:41

@Samcro7

I was wearing a blue top and socks.... He said I looked like Donald Duck... We've now been together 8 years 😂
This thread belings in Classics for that alone!
Gumbojumbo · 28/08/2021 15:49

This happened to a friend of mine at college.
While her drunk male date was giving her oral sex he vomited over her hoo-ha. She obviously pushed him off and jumped straight in the shower. He followed and continued to be sick in the toilet. After he'd finished he popped his head round the shower curtain and said "I take it you didn't come". She never dated him again.
Gross but I still find it hilarious all these years later.

LadyLolaRuben · 28/08/2021 15:49

@Cocopogo

DP often says “jobs done you can go home now”. And I hate it. We’ve been together over two years and only spent the night together a handful of times. We usually have sex then he expects me to leave or if at mine he leaves almost immediately after.
Why are with him?
CoasterCoaster · 28/08/2021 15:54

'Can I take a photo of you for my album?' Turns out he had a scrap book type thing with photos of all the women he'd slept with, or as many as would let him take them at least. Needless to say I declined and gtf out of there!

TheChip · 28/08/2021 16:03

@grandmashotdoodlebugs

Lovely banging hot sex in a steamy shower.... he's moaning oh yes type stuff... He moans more, shouts oh yes, shouts OH FUCK and I kid you not, he comes and faints. In the shower. Out cold. All tangled up and twisted limbs.

I turn the shower off calling his name, get towels, cover him, a pillow, wonder what the fuck I'm going to do (too heavy to lift or move, deciding what to do, consider the embarrassment of calling my brother.....

He wakes up on the shower floor now half hanging out the shower door and says

Did I have an orgasm ?

😂😂😂
DiscoStusMoonboots · 28/08/2021 16:24

He said "lovely... LOVELY!" like the necktie strangler in 'Frenzy', then finished off by announcing, "Nice way to end a Tuesday evening".

Cocopogo · 28/08/2021 17:03

@SpindleWhorl thanks I think you might be right

@LadyLolaRuben right now I’m not actually sure. I guess I thought things would improve if I stuck it out.

Juturna · 28/08/2021 17:33

“Beautiful women are very lazy in bed, that’s why I never sleep with beautiful women”!!! Shock

CleanQueen123 · 28/08/2021 18:31

@Cocopogo I was with a man for far longer than I should have been who did exactly this despite knowing how upset it made me. It doesn't get any better. Leave while you still have some self esteem.

peaceanddove · 28/08/2021 18:53

@Rachelthegreat

I used to work as an escort.

On several occasions guys have cum, then said you wouldn’t believe how much you look like my sister/ex/cousin and on 2 occasions daughter!

You should have charged them extra for that!
LadyLolaRuben · 28/08/2021 22:14

[quote Cocopogo]@SpindleWhorl thanks I think you might be right

@LadyLolaRuben right now I’m not actually sure. I guess I thought things would improve if I stuck it out.[/quote]
Been in your shoes. Thinking things improves over time comes from being dedicated and hardworking. Believing that you get a return on your effort over time. But sadly its not the case with these guys, they get worse especially as they get older. They start pushing boundaries knowing they've got away with saying horrible stuff previously. I'd invest my time with someone else. You deserve better Flowers

RubaDubMum89 · 28/08/2021 22:14

@Jellybum2019

Someone who I was fwb with asked me to get of the bed a few minutes after doing the deed, then got the hoover and hoovered the sheets, duvet and pillows and told me it was so his Nan didn’t know we had been in her bed 🤢
Oh god. You win Envy
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 28/08/2021 22:25

Swedish bloke: Don’t know his name. “You are excellent”.

I just lay there whilst he gave me a fanny lick. I did nothing. No effort. Nada.

Cherryana · 28/08/2021 22:30

I think this thread is so funny. I can not think of one thing to add thoughConfused

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 22:33

Me all dressed up in stocking and basque. Husband, “can you hang on, I really need to phone my mum”

And yeah, 32 years later I’m still with him. 😂

MyCatDribbles · 28/08/2021 23:10

@JurassicPark101

I had absolutely amazing sex after which my partner said “classic intercourse” and offered me a bag of Wotsits. We’re still together ❤️
Ha! This is an Alan Partridge quote
Narutocrazyfox · 29/08/2021 00:06

@JurassicPark101

I had absolutely amazing sex after which my partner said “classic intercourse” and offered me a bag of Wotsits. We’re still together ❤️
That is brilliant 🤣🤣🤣
Verbena87 · 29/08/2021 10:21

“ Swedish bloke: Don’t know his name. “You are excellent”.

I just lay there whilst he gave me a fanny lick. I did nothing. No effort. Nada.”

Frankly this sounds great and I for one would like to see more men defining excellence like this.

SolitaryTree · 29/08/2021 10:47

“I’m not really doing it for you am I?!”

Awkward sex… awkward date actually. No idea how it got to the sex stage. We were drunk is my best guess 🤣

Blueskyrainshowers · 29/08/2021 11:11

@Bluntness100

Me all dressed up in stocking and basque. Husband, “can you hang on, I really need to phone my mum”

And yeah, 32 years later I’m still with him. 😂

I love DH to pieces and that sort of thing happens here too 😂 Also, 'that was great, and all done by 10pm' Blush
TheFutureIsUncertain · 29/08/2021 19:48

There was a guy I really fancied who worked in the same building as me. I'd met him socially a few times, he'd been at my flat a few times with friends. After xmas party we ended up back in my flat, and dtd, all good fun, really liked him, just chatting afterwards :)

Then we hear my flatmate arrived home, a bit drunk, and he says would your "flatmate like to join us?" I said "didn't you know that's she is my older sister!" He said something like "not a problem, that would still be OK with me, do you want me to ask her?" Confused That was the end of that.