If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

[LoganRoy]

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

Not at all. Most days I think thank god I didn't have children!

I very occasionally feel a tiny bit broody when I hold a newborn baby, but never when it comes to over 4yos.

My friends with kids seem completely exhausted, stressed and burned out.

No. It makes me even more glad I haven't (and won't) produced any offspring.

Not at all. Although I do regularly breathe a sigh of relief. The children around us are genuinely lovely. They’re all really cute, polite, 99% of the time well behaved and are generally adorable. But they’re bloody exhausting! They constantly want you to play with them or talk to them about characters in the toys they like or watch while they do something over and over and over again. And you can’t go to the toilet without someone trying to follow you. And that’s fun for a day, but if I had to do it every day, I’d lose the will to live. DH’s cousin put something like cucumber melons on tv to occupy her DD for half an hour, I was almost hypnotised at the end of it. I’d also be bankrupt.

My friends social circles were very wide at one point, but it takes more than having children the same age to sustain long term friendships so not all of that circle is going to still be there as the children grow up.

No, I’m very happy being childless. I love children but I don’t want to own any.

Not at all, i love spending time with my nieces and nephews and can appreciate how cute a baby is. But man am i glad to leave at the end of the day and go back home. Our little dog is enough for us. I've always said since i was about 12 that i didnt want kids and have never wavered on it.

I've found that friends seem to drop away when they start having children. I'm not a person who needs or wants a wide social circle, so that didn't bother me. You find in a group situation they all default to talking about their children's progress and if you don't have anything to contribute, you gradually get sidelined.

There can also be a more general sense of being marginalised because after a certain age, people tend to assume you have children, and things are geared towards people having children - just as a random example, a political canvasser babbling on to me about what her party would be doing for schools - well, I've no problem with my taxes funding education, of course, but I'm not really interested in the fine detail of it.

I believe the percentage of women who reach the end of their childbearing years without having children (for whatever reason) is about 20% and growing year on year; in other words, at least 1 in five women don't, although some of those may sadly be not through choice. But hopefully this might eventually lead to a more balanced society, where women aren't assumed to be mums once they reach their mid-to-late 30s.

I don't think any of that is a reason to have them, though, unless you really want them for their own sake.

Finally - if anyone is reading this thread and thinking of posing the brilliant question 'why are you childfree-by-choice people on Mumsnet' - don't bother, we are tired of answering that little nugget!

Not at all. I'm a bit different to some posters though in that I really don't like children. It's never been a secret, so when I see my friends with kids the children are not a big part of the conversation. And I very rarely meet up with them with their children (though obviously I see them a little less because if this).

It sounds like you need a social circle with more childfree people, or with parents who want a broader topic of conversation! Some parents get very absorbed in child stuff, but others would relish a change of topic!

No not at all. I mainly feel relief that I don’t have to talk about sleeping/feeding/whatever problems

Nope. Not missing out on anything! Well apart from things I am not interested in...
I like other people’s children but the older I get the further away ANY temptation to try it gets. It feels like there are a million reasons to not have children and only one to have them (which is “I want one”) I don’t want one and therefore I don’t feel I am missing out

Actually yes, but I think that parents miss out on areas of life too, as they sacrifice so much for their kids. The decision should be about what works for you personally.

I did a bit yes. I had always been vehemently anti children but then snuck one in at 41 so I’ve joined the other side now.
It’ll pass though, once the children have grown it all levels out again socially.

I think whether or not you have children it's wise to realise that in someway you will be missing out compared to people who've made the opposite choice to you.
There's a lot of positives to having children and a lot to not having, only you can weigh up which you'd rather live without.

Tbh I think when you have kids your social circle can widen but also become more shallow iyswim. So you’re all going through the same things / frequent the same places / face the same issues but it doesn’t necessarily lead to long-lasting friendships.

@overwork you're not alone! I'm not keen on children either. Never found babies cute or anything like that. Toddlers are not entertaining.

This "talking about the kids all the time" phase is intense but fairly short IME. You naturally gravitate to people in similar life circumstances so most of my friends do also have young children, but with mine being 4 and 6, they are already a much less important aspect of conversations with friends.

'things are geared towards people having children'

SO TRUE. There is a certain amount of loneliness and isolation involved in being childfree because of that. It helps hugely to have other childfree people in your life

Yes, OP, I very much relate to the wistfulness about having a child. I thought long and hard for many years about having a baby, and really longed for a baby at times, but always knew deep down that the relentless nature of parenting was not for me. I still often wonder what it would be like, and even feel envious of mothers at times. There's nothing wrong with not being 100% on a decision, just got to be as sure as you can

Never. I’ve never been broody and I don’t understand the concept. Babies and children are lovely but not for me.

Apart from having to live in a tiny poky sweatbox of a flat -because thats all you get in social housing when you dont have kids-- nope

Nope. I am very fulfilled with my childfree life.

Absolutely not.

Nope! It does suck when your friends start having babies and suddenly there's nothing to talk about anymore. Thankfully I have a lot of childfree friends too.

I've also never experienced broodiness. I don’t enjoy being around babies and I don’t find them cute. I can just about cope when they are primary school age lol.