If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

[LoganRoy]

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

I'm 31 and I've known I didn't want kids for as long as I can remember. Like pp, I'm also not one of those "I love kids but I don't want my own" people either - I don't like kids. I'm neurodivergent and I find children to be unpredictable, loud, demanding and stressful - not to mention sticky. I've tried to picture parenthood and there's not a single stage of it that looks enticing to me.

Being on MN and seeing so many people post on social media about how relentless, tiring, expensive, stressful and thankless parenting it really helped to make up my mind. Then getting dog absolutely sealed the deal; I adore my dog but there are days when even he needs too much of my attention. I've been told I'm selfish for not wanting kids... fucking right I am and it would be cruel to have a child and then resent its presence in my life. I know - my mother did it to me.

Thankfully DH agrees and I only have two close friends, both in their late 30s and neither of whom want children. I like my life and I'm not willing to roll the dice, risking the deepest and most permanent regret possible.

I'm older (almost 50), am more childfree by circumstance rather than having never wanted children, but definitely consider myself childfree rather than childless.

Most of my friends are a bit younger than me had their kids late (late 30s / early 40s) so are still deep in small child territory. Other friends are starting to welcome grandchildren. I'm pretty much the only one with none.

I'm not regretful about not having them as such but there is definitely a lot of stuff l miss out on - they all have other groups of school mum type friends and are busy with their DCs and GCs at weekends. My thirties were fine as a lot of friends still didn't have children but the last few years have been very different. It probably doesn't help that I'm not close to my parents and siblings, so I don't really have anyone to do family stuff with, whereas other childfree women I know spend time with nieces and nephews etc.

It can be quite lonely, and when I see my neighbour who is a little older than me with a houseful of adult DCs, partners and GCs it does make me a little sad, I can't lie. That still doesn't mean that children would have been the right choice for me though I guess. On balance I feel I made the right choice, but I do recognise that my life may have been fuller if I'd had children. Or maybe I'd have been totally miserable, who knows.

No I definitely don't think I have missed out on anything.

Me and DH are in our 60's, very happily married for 40 years. Most of our friends with children are divorced (quite a few more than once). Most of them say their marriage broke down when they had children.

I have never regretted our decision. I am sure there are positives but there are a lot of negatives - sleepless nights, stress over money, health problems caused by pregnancy and/or childbirth, marriage problems and quite possibly breakdown of marriage, endless worry about your child(ren).

Over the years I have lost count of how many women have said if they could go back in time they would not have children.

@Lottapianos

'I can't understand who would call you selfish for not wanting a child?'

It's all about them, isn't it, not you. My dad told me that not having a child would make me very selfish. It was really hurtful, but at the same time, he has a fucking BOATLOAD of his own baggage around family and parenthood and appearing 'normal'. At least I know I've made my own decisions with my heart and my guts, and not to cover stuff up or construct my own reality 🙄

I can't think of a more selfish decision than bringing a new human into the world for your own gratification.

It takes great selflessness to be a good parent, but the decision to become a parent is a purely selfish one, 99% of the time.

they all have other groups of school mum type friends

Sounds ghastly. I'm childfree but had a taste of the whole school mum thing because we had foster children (family fostering, not something we would have set out to do otherwise).

I have always loved having groups of female friends, but I found the school gate scene was pure Mean Girls, and a lot of it's about competitive parenting. I did make a couple of friends through the kids, but you are definitely not missing out on some magical bonding experience, plus it's a nightmare having to be friendly to the parents of your kids' friends, even if you have nothing in common.

No. I've occasionally wondered at what it must be like to get that love returned from a little humans you made, but it does nothing to override my desire to not have that responsibility and my joy at life as it is.

I mean also, I don't mind like children. A couple of mins and I'm done.

I’m mid 30s now and have found I keep changing my mind, but for a little while now definitely leaning more towards being childfree. I love my sleep, long baths, going out with DP for nice meals, nights away, holidays and doing our hobbies. The idea of saving my money for an early retirement sounds nice, the price of childcare sounds awful. Don’t have big extended family either and I wouldn’t want to give up working full time as wouldn’t want to be in a difficult future financial position if DP wanted to leave, and then I wouldn’t want to be a single mother.

My most recent thought is if I do go down the route of having a baby - what if they are disabled in a way that means I’d then be a lifelong carer. I don’t think anyone would sign up to that life if they had a choice? It’s easy to think “the risk of that is low” as I’m sure people in that position thought the same.

[quote onlychildhamster]@SquirryTheSquirrel thanks for the insight! I think I would probably regret not having a child, much like i would have regretted not getting married. To me, I suppose, marriage and a baby are both life experience I wouldn't like to be without.

BUT unlike with marriage, having a baby is a different kettle of fish. When I got married, I moved country and changed surname etc but in the grand scheme of things, marriage hasn't limited my options at all. In fact, its a distinct advantage in London where a dual income is practically essential these days. I am conscious of the fact that being a mother could price me out of the city i love and even if I had the money in future, it would distinctly change my lifestyle- nice london pad in exchange for a Home Counties house, part time work instead of full time job, perhaps even make stuff like international travel & eating out harder. I know there are mothers who work full time and live in London obviously, but its much easier to stay in London long term as a DINK than as a mum. And its often not even a money thing- many of those home counties houses are far more expensive than my flat or even a house in the outer london suburbs- its because parents think 'its better for the children' and they want the extra space too. which was why I became focused on having 1 as opposed to multiple cos I think it would be easier for me to stay in london/not give up full time work/not be so tired and overstretched with a smaller family.[/quote]
@onlychildhamster Having more than one child is both easier and harder. Easier as they can entertain each other (if they get on), harder as it is more work, more mess, more expensive and more juggling. This all depends on the personalities of the children - my first was very hard work and my second is much easier, so having a second has not been as hard for me and I don't regret it. If I had them the other way around, I would not have had an easier transition. Having a second does reset the clock back to the baby days and it is harder to travel. If you only want one child, don't have another if you aren't sure. You don't have to have more than one (or any at all, I definitely wouldn't suggest someone should have a child if they don't want to!). You don't have to move out of the city either, not everyone does. Many people do, I haven't but many friends have to get a bigger house and garden.

No regrets at all here, best decision I ever made for me was not procreating. I'm now at an age where people's expectations of me doing so are stopping - as a pp said it's tricky if you're early thirties and just married!

50, childfree and absolutely no regrets. I‘ve not missed out on anything I considered worth having. I was clear from an early age that I didn’t want children, and even as a child, I didn’t particularly enjoy the company of other kids. Strange thing is that as an adult I‘m very good with children, a real and surrogate auntie to many.

I used to think some of the bits were left out when I was made because I have no maternal feelings whatsoever. The thought of having some kind of alien THING grow inside me and then take over my life appals me. I have no inclination whatsoever to pick up a crying child. Now I have come to realise that far from missing out on something other woman have, I was fortunate not to be conned into the big illusion that I was intended to produce children in order to be fulfilled.

Women get the shitty end of the stick at every turn what with periods, pregnancy and childbirth and then menopause. If I had the choice I would never have been a woman.

I’m 43 and whilst I know I would not make a good parent due to low tolerance to noise and mess, easily irritated and stressed, and not good without sleep; there is a part of me that feels like I’m missing out and am doomed to be a lonely old woman with no relatives to visit me lol

Nope OP don't feel like that one bit. I love doing what I want when I want to do it or equally not doing anything if I don't feel like it.