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If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

165 replies

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 16:53

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 18/08/2021 10:12

@YouJustDoYou

wow, there's a lot of child free people on mumsnet 😂
So clever and original. Hmm

Maybe look at what the popular topics are on here and tell us how many relate to parenting.

There's not really an equivalent women centred forum, so Mumsnet has become it. In a way it kind of proves some of the PP's points that society is set up for parents. To access a women centred discussion forum we end up on a site that was intended for mothers.

Chikapu · 18/08/2021 10:12

And?

I'm guessing they think we shouldn't be here. It is called 'mums' net after all.

CounsellorTroi · 18/08/2021 10:23

I wanted children but couldn’t have any. Now at 60 I’m actually relieved I didn’t. I think it was mostly FOMO and social conditioning making me think I wanted them. I’ve been able to take voluntary early retirement which would not have been possible had I taken time off for children or worked p/t. I do get the odd wistful what if moment but they are fleeting. I’m especially glad not to have had to deal with headlice and threadworms!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Disneycharacter · 18/08/2021 10:23

It's always the way friends without kids get squeezed out. I would just look for other friendship groups. It may get better when the children grow up more but for the baby stage forget it

NutellaEllaElla · 18/08/2021 10:24

Ah my people. I've never felt broody apart from baby animals. I always question myself because of the entrenched norm. It's partly why I'm on here, like research into Parenthood. I've never been at all convinced or even swayed. I think it just comes down to broodiness to be honest. If you were to try to take a rational approach, there's no strong case for it.

Lottapianos · 18/08/2021 10:58

There really are a lot of childfree people on here! I'm childfree myself so not being snarky in the slightest. I think it's great Smile

Brimorion · 18/08/2021 11:58

@NutellaEllaElla

Ah my people. I've never felt broody apart from baby animals. I always question myself because of the entrenched norm. It's partly why I'm on here, like research into Parenthood. I've never been at all convinced or even swayed. I think it just comes down to broodiness to be honest. If you were to try to take a rational approach, there's no strong case for it.
I’ve never had a moment of broodiness. I was perfectly happily child free, and then at 40 I had a baby because I thought it would be interesting. It is. 😀

But more seriously, I’m not sure that it comes down to child free = women who simply don’t feel broody and parents = broody. I’ve certainly seen posts on here from women who experienced broodiness intensely at some point, but resisted it as they recognised that having a child wasn’t right for them, so they sat it out.

Lottapianos · 18/08/2021 12:03

'I’ve certainly seen posts on here from women who experienced broodiness intensely at some point, but resisted it as they recognised that having a child wasn’t right for them, so they sat it out'

Yep, very much relate to this. It was a bloody difficult decision, but I'm as sure as I can be that it was the right one

Brimorion · 18/08/2021 12:13

@Lottapianos

'I’ve certainly seen posts on here from women who experienced broodiness intensely at some point, but resisted it as they recognised that having a child wasn’t right for them, so they sat it out'

Yep, very much relate to this. It was a bloody difficult decision, but I'm as sure as I can be that it was the right one

I remember you, @Lottapianos — you wrote very incisively about it all. I think I found it interesting particularly because I’d never been broody at all, and made the opposite decision to you.
WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 12:31

So I just wonder what it is that causes broodiness in some but not others.

I've wondered this too in life. I think it's a combo of nature/nurture. Nature side possibly down to hormones maybe? Or like someone said, nature's way of lowering an animal's population, so genetics?

I don't remember if I wanted kids when I was a child. I definitely was the girly type--played with barbies, baby dolls, etc. In teens never had a thought or desire for kids or a relationship. By young adult, consciously knew I never wanted kids.

The nurture part might be down to experience. For me, I had traumas starting from a baby. Also, growing up and observing parenting and how it was for my mother and other adults in my life also seriously put me off parenting. Seemed awful--for parents and kids.

Also, didn't want kids but also knew/know I'd be a terrible parentnot cuz I wouldn't do my best for the child...the opposite...I have ptsd, extreme worrier, stuff like thatso I knew I'd negatively affect a kid, like I know I'd be an extremely over-protective parent to the point of neurotic and I know that'd damage a kid psychologically. I'd feel bad if I had a kid. I know there are no perfect parents, but still.

Not having kids was also for the potential kids' sakes, for real.

Now, I have, a lot, gotten the: you are SO selfish for not having kids. Like wtf?! No, it'd be MORE selfish of me to have kids knowing I have deep psychological wounds that even now dictate my life largely, even with working on em for years. So I should just have a kid cuz society says so, knowing I'd mess up despite best efforts not to? Also when I didn't and don't have enough money to support em, would have to rely on government help? Also don't want a relationship? Also knowing in my family history are some pretty bad physical and mental dispositions cuz of genetics that I would not want to pass on?

I'm selfish for not adding more humans to an overpopulated planet, that in reality my kids would turn out some sort of psychologically messed up cuz of my own issues plus the world's? wow?!

Society expects and pushes you to have kids. It's ingrained in you from preschool or kindergarten onwards.

I've had women tell me they had kids only cuz you're supposed to. Not saying they aren't good parents.

Also have had a number of women tell me that a lot of women regret having kids and so are jealous of women who didn't have kids by choice so spout the OMG you are SO selfish bs. After I heard that I was able to let go of the guilt, cuz I did feel kinda guilty like flawed for not wanting em. Like, not my problem you had kids and regret it.

And why that attitude of it being selfish is still so prevalent nowadays, dunno, cuz with overpopulation, climate problems...umm even scientists say the best thing to do to help that, even moreso than recycling etc is to NOT have kids.

Also, I do think some it in society is expecting women to have kids cuz in their minds thats ALL women are for--kids and men, cleaning cooking. And I think there's still an underlying idea of anger and resentment cuz women are supposed to be "tied down" with kids, a husband. You aren't opting in to the societal shackles and you are making others nervous by not following societal tropes.

sammylady37 · 18/08/2021 13:04

Never regretted or doubted it for a second. Cried tears of relief and joy when a surgeon agreed to sterilise me at 40.

Sakura7 · 18/08/2021 13:41

@WinglessSonglessBird

I wish everyone put your level of thought into the decision. Sounds like you know yourself well and you know how you'd handle the challenges, and it's totally fine to opt out of that. It's actually a very responsible thing to do.

Anyone who calls you selfish is an idiot. I agree that some people want others to do the same as them in order to validate their own choices, especially if they're unhappy. Misery loves company and all that.

WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 13:52

yes, sakura, thank you. I did have a woman tell that once, that those other people are idiots, and that it was actually a very conscious, wise thought-process on my part. I just couldn't fathom psychologically damaging a poor baby/kid cuz I don't have my internal shit together, nor financial shit together. And I'm not trying to say you have to be perfect to have kids. Just for me, I know my mental health and ptsd would flare massively cuz of it, and that's no good for a kid number one, nor me secondly, nor society thirdly.

I think childless women are looked at as useless, a wasteSad same with women not in relationships or marriedSad

society can eff off and eff itself up even more without my helpGrin

crayray · 18/08/2021 13:54

I can't understand who would call you selfish for not wanting a child? Is this your partner? Parents? Friends? Whoever it is, they have no right to do so, but at least with partner and parents you can see why they would feel emotionally impacted. If it's anyone outside close family, why on earth would they consider it their place to comment? I mean that literally, not rhetorically. Why do they consider it selfish?

EmeraldShamrock · 18/08/2021 13:55

I'm with childx2 by choice, I've definitely missed out on parts of my life, DC are financial blood-suckers.

AlfonsoTheMango · 18/08/2021 13:55

Not at all.

WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 13:56

I've also never wanted kids. Granted some or even all of it might be cuz of my ptsd and adult role models on the subject, but regardless, never had a primal drive to have kids. On an intellectual level I'd thought of it, and came to the conclusion very early on and it's never ever faltered, that, nope--not good for kid, self, society.

Some have gotten mad, citing: but there are so many people who can't have kids and want them, and you have a healthy enough body/eggs/etc to so omg. huh? wtf? never got that line of thinking. So other women can't have kids and are devastated; I am sad for them, truly; BUT, how does that have anything to do with my body and choice not to have kids. It's not like I go around advertising with glee and derision, woo hoo I have no kids it's the best, no one else should either.

Lottapianos · 18/08/2021 14:12

'I can't understand who would call you selfish for not wanting a child?'

It's all about them, isn't it, not you. My dad told me that not having a child would make me very selfish. It was really hurtful, but at the same time, he has a fucking BOATLOAD of his own baggage around family and parenthood and appearing 'normal'. At least I know I've made my own decisions with my heart and my guts, and not to cover stuff up or construct my own reality 🙄

WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 14:12

to crayray: I honestly do not know why. No, I have no partner. And it's not from family. From former friends. From casual talks with semi-strangers. From people in therapy groups.

Still don't get it. But like had been pointed out to me: some probably regretted having their own kids and were jealous. Plus some are still in the mindset that it's your duty as a woman and responsible member of society to have kids, is some of it too I think.

And, no joke, cruel people gravitate to me like I'm a black hole. People tell me cuz of my past I put out an invisible neon sign for cruel people or worse to hone in on me.

I've had "friends" tell me that I'm ugly but they are just telling me the truth, to do me a favor. I've had a "friend" tell me that nobody likes or cares for me and even professionals think I'm hopeless but they are being too nice to tell me the truth. I've had a friend's kid (teen) tell me to not even bother with nice clothes or makeup cuz it's a waste on me. I've even had an actual Dr. tell me when in my early 20s that I was gonna have a very hard life cuz I'm not that smart, not that pretty, but I listen pretty well so that's good.

Thing is at the times I took it all to heart. Not their fault how I react! And I already felt bad about self, so also believed it. Honestly, still do. I have no friends. However the past few years, I gave up, don't trust ANY humans (not even self). Might post some stuff on the internet sometimes cuz no human's gonna know who I am, see my face, etc. Even that gives me anxiety. Barely a part of social media.

However, the being shamed for having no kids I have truly, fully let go of. That one I can fully see now is the other person's issue completely; I don't even have a part in that. And I genuinely don't feel lacking for having no kids. Having no friends, yes, sometimes. And I suck, it's true, I can fully understand people wanting to be cruel to me I guess. However i can be cruel to myself perfectly well and good, don't need others' help lolConfused

however, if I get too lonely for friends, I just go through and read comments on current events and that puts me off humans for a while, lol, cuz humans are mostly mean, cruel or scary to me (and hell, no, I will never want or try a reltationship, or even dating, ever again in life. And I literally want NO humans physically touching me or close enough to...aside from a few family members for hugs).

But anyone tells anyone to feel bad for not having kids: tell em to eff off and stop shooting arrows of shame at you through their warped bow of their own issues.

Lottapianos · 18/08/2021 14:13

'It's not like I go around advertising with glee and derision, woo hoo I have no kids it's the best, no one else should either'

You know you totally should though. Put it on a t shirt and everything 😄

crayray · 18/08/2021 14:14

@WinglessSonglessBird wow that's a lot to have experienced. I'm so sorry people have treated you so badly.

JorisBonson · 18/08/2021 14:18
Grin
If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?
peanutbutter00 · 18/08/2021 14:19

Not at all! But I am really secure in my decision as I know children aren't for me at all.

In terms of conversations I have some friends that chat about lots of topics including their kids, and others that only talk about their kids so that can be a bit frustrating, (I asked one friend how she was and she replied 'Oh DC1 is good etc etc' I thought no I asked how YOU are, you're a person too!) I hope this is just a phase for those particular friends.

I am really happy with my decision and my life, I feel rested and stress free, finances aren't as tight, I have many other things that fulfil me, and I just feel free and happy

WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 14:56

You know you totally should though. Put it on a t shirt and everything

Lol Grin I wouldn't, but that'd be funny!
like a shirt that says:

Me having no kids and loving it must make you regretful parents jealous

or

Parenting Lesson 101:
me: child-free and loving it, no regrets
you: child-bound, regretful, mad at me for that

or

your regret at having kids is not my shame for not having any
own your own issues, like you own your own kids.

lol, now you've got me thinking up little slogans for shirts and designs lol.

WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 14:58

or
No kids, no stress, still no regrets

or
save the planet, have zero kids