Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

165 replies

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 16:53

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

OP posts:
Rabblesthecat · 17/08/2021 18:11

Not at all.

I love being able to do what we want when we want it.

I watch women giving birth on tv dramas and think ffs why? If I had to have one it would via the sun roof or full drugs - self inflicted pain is just masochism

About the only thing I find is sometimes wondering about who will look after me when I’m old given I’m an only child and my DH is significantly older (he has his kids with his ex). But that’s never a good reason to have kids.

It also sometimes make me have a gripe - eg if travel, leisure and holidays are ever shit down again just to keep schools (sorry state provided child care open) I will personally attend every protest rally I can.

Sick of children being out ahead of adults

CBroads · 17/08/2021 18:13

Child free out of choice. I enjoy my lifestyle and my freedoms. Seen how kids have literally ruined some of my friends' lives (identity crisis and such). They've split from partners, haven't dated since and some of them are so lonely. Some days I can literally see the will to live draining from them. Like what quality of life is that for someone, they get completely isolated. It's hard because I want to see my friends but have to work out when they don't have their kids because my house is like a showhome and I don't really want to go to theirs if their kids are home, the endless winging is horrific

Asdf12345 · 17/08/2021 18:15

Nope, it’s just different things.

Colleagues with kids often look at those of us without them and moan about ‘dinks’ which I understand is ‘double income no kids’ making them feel impoverished and like they are missing out on things.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
penguinwithasuitcase · 17/08/2021 18:17

Absolutely I'm missing out – but in the same way that I'm 'missing out' on being an astronaut or a banana farmer... whatever you don't choose is a life you'll never experience. And that can be a sad thing.

For me, I'm 95% sure it's not something I want, AND I've also had to go through a process of grieving a future I'll never have.

It's both-and for me, not either-or.

changeyourname · 17/08/2021 18:17

I'm not your target audience as I'm not child free but wanted to chip in from the opposite perspective to say that I feel I'm missing out on many parts of life through having young kids. I was certain that having kids was right for me and don't regret having them, but if I'd been any way doubtful I am equally certain that I would hold resentment towards the changes I have been obliged to make and the opportunities / experiences I've been unable to take up due to putting them first.

Also, conversations about other people's kids are boooring whether you have your own or not Smile

YoungWerther · 17/08/2021 18:18

Never.

You need to find a more varied social circle.

grapewine · 17/08/2021 18:19

No. I like peace and quiet and being able to do what I want when I want.

MsRinky · 17/08/2021 18:19

No, I don't feel that way. I imagine it is a bit tedious if nearly everyone you know is simultaneously deep in the baby/toddler stage, but I've always had a wide social circle of people of different ages, plenty of other childfree people and people with kids who are still keen for most of their time with me to be adult time that isn't about their kids, so it's never felt like that to me.

Rabblesthecat · 17/08/2021 18:23

I’m not a child hater by the way a I’m the bestest auntie babysitter you can find. I just like to return them to their docking station at the end of the day

moofolk · 17/08/2021 18:34

I'm child laden so not the target of your question but I 100% believe that no woman should be expected to have children if she doesn't want.

As a mum of three I LOVE my child free friends.

They are so much fun with my kids, as they can be enthusiastic and fun without having to make them brush their teeth or tidy up or wash the dishes (although they're also better than me at getting my kids to do those things too!).

Us child laden people need our child free friends, and love and appreciate them. It's not very often, but occasionally I end up being the adult whose kids are not there and I love that too; playing with the kids and being able to give them back.

I've just returned from a camping trip with extended family and friends, and the two non-parents were hands down the most popular with the kids.

Let the 10% that isn't sure you want to be child free enjoy other people's kids.

Obviously make the best choice for you, and in direct response to your question, yes there will be some things you miss out on but there are plenty more things you can do that parents can't.

Also worth noting, as pointed out more than once above: parents of babies are boring as hell, but that phase won't last forever.

MarisPiper92 · 17/08/2021 18:39

No. Lockdown has made me realise how many things I still want to do, and having a child would hamper pretty much all of them.

There are things that are probably better if you have children - mainly people accepting you as "normal" and not questioning your choices - but that's more to do with society than the children themselves.

Boood · 17/08/2021 18:52

You are correct about the contraction of social circles, and the way society and life in general are set up for parents. That can be isolating. Personally, I find that the freedom you have instead more than makes up for that loss.

Squirrelblanket · 17/08/2021 19:01

No I don't, quite the opposite. I love my life. Smile

onlychildhamster · 17/08/2021 19:30

I always wondered- and maybe some childfree ladies could share their experiences- have any of you wanted to have an only child (but not multiple children). I have been at that stage for the past few years where I am adamant that I want to stop at one, and the thought of having 2 or more children is worst than being childless for the rest of my life? I wonder if at some subconscious level, I want to be child-free but because at the same time am conflicted so being OAD is a halfway house? And potentially, I might be more suited to being child-free?

Rabblesthecat · 17/08/2021 19:42

I am an only child so maybe that has something to do with it. I’m also the youngest in the extended family by 14 years - my nearest cousins is 59 and I’m 45

VeryQuaintIrene · 17/08/2021 19:46

Not remotely and am completely delighted with childless life generally,. I love my godchildren, enjoy my undergraduate students and am in awe of any women who manages to combine motherhood and a fulfilling career as well - I don't think I have the multitasking skills.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 17/08/2021 19:46

I always wondered- and maybe some childfree ladies could share their experiences- have any of you wanted to have an only child (but not multiple children).

I've never wanted to have any children. I think being childfree versus having children is an absolute as far as I am concerned.

There's a myriad of reasons why not, but principally I am not temperamentally suited to being a parent - and that would apply whether I had one, or multiples. I am also very squeamish about pregnancy - not the actual childbirth, but the bit where you have another human growing inside you.

In terms of your dilemma and whether you might be better suited to being childfree - I can only suggest thinking about what you want from being a parent, what that would bring to your life - versus what it might take from your life.

Rather than focusing on how many children you want at this stage, decide whether you want the (lifelong) commitment of being a parent and whether staying childfree is something you might regret when it's too late (I would be the last person to start on about 'regrets when it's too late' to someone who'd already decided, but I mention it as you are obviously on the fence).

Original poster
LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 19:51

Thanks for all your replies! I definitely think the lack of socialising because of lockdowns has affected my view - I’ve only been able to see family and a couple of close friends - all with babies/toddlers or pregnant recently.

It’s strange, in many ways I can’t imagine myself doing it - I’m introverted and like my space, am really terrible without sleep and I’ve never felt broody. So why I have this feeling I don’t know!

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 17/08/2021 19:55

So why I have this feeling I don’t know!

There's a lot of societal pressure on women to have children. I don't necessarily mean people overtly urging you to (although that can happen) - what I mean is, as mentioned upthread, so much in society is designed on an assumption that women of a certain age are parents, it can leave you feeling there's something wrong with you for not wanting them.

Flatdisco · 17/08/2021 19:56

Absolutely not. I'm grateful on a daily basis I didn't breed. I have nieces I love dearly and see regularly too.

Lottapianos · 17/08/2021 19:57

'so much in society is designed on an assumption that women of a certain age are parents, it can leave you feeling there's something wrong with you for not wanting them'

Spot on

Heliachi · 17/08/2021 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

onlychildhamster · 17/08/2021 20:25

@SquirryTheSquirrel thanks for the insight! I think I would probably regret not having a child, much like i would have regretted not getting married. To me, I suppose, marriage and a baby are both life experience I wouldn't like to be without.

BUT unlike with marriage, having a baby is a different kettle of fish. When I got married, I moved country and changed surname etc but in the grand scheme of things, marriage hasn't limited my options at all. In fact, its a distinct advantage in London where a dual income is practically essential these days. I am conscious of the fact that being a mother could price me out of the city i love and even if I had the money in future, it would distinctly change my lifestyle- nice london pad in exchange for a Home Counties house, part time work instead of full time job, perhaps even make stuff like international travel & eating out harder. I know there are mothers who work full time and live in London obviously, but its much easier to stay in London long term as a DINK than as a mum. And its often not even a money thing- many of those home counties houses are far more expensive than my flat or even a house in the outer london suburbs- its because parents think 'its better for the children' and they want the extra space too. which was why I became focused on having 1 as opposed to multiple cos I think it would be easier for me to stay in london/not give up full time work/not be so tired and overstretched with a smaller family.

Wombat64 · 17/08/2021 20:29

Now I'm menopausal I'm so glad I didn't have kids. I sound exactly like my mum did at 50, can't get a word out, don't remember a thing...

Christmas is a bit sad but really it's all sliding doors. Can't have everything in life.

Sxxyfing · 17/08/2021 20:29

I never ever wanted kids. Although I loved babies and children I never thought it would be my path. But having your own child changes things SO much. They are dependent on you and you love them so much without even trying, then each day you get to spend with them you love them more. I honestly recommend it haha