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Original poster

If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

165 replies

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 16:53

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/08/2021 20:32

Not at all.

I prefer the flexibility that being childfree brings. I have nephews and nieces for the fun bits!

I used to get frustrated when parents were offered more flexibility in the work place but this appears to have stopped for the most part.

Flatdisco · 17/08/2021 20:34

@Sxxyfing

I never ever wanted kids. Although I loved babies and children I never thought it would be my path. But having your own child changes things SO much. They are dependent on you and you love them so much without even trying, then each day you get to spend with them you love them more. I honestly recommend it haha

There's always one.

Duchess379 · 17/08/2021 20:35

Nope. I knew I never wanted kids from a very, very early age. Then, as luck would have it, I ended up having a hysterectomy at 38 due to heavy, painful almost-constant periods. Turns out I had adenomyosis all along. Now 45 & happy with no kids. Not everyone has maternal feelings & yearning. I certainly didn't...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Duchess379 · 17/08/2021 20:36

@DoTheNextRightThing

I've also never experienced broodiness. I don’t enjoy being around babies and I don’t find them cute. I can just about cope when they are primary school age lol.

You're my spirit twin 😂

SquirryTheSquirrel · 17/08/2021 20:44

I knew I never wanted kids from a very, very early age.

Yes, I was the same. I never had a baby doll, or dolls' pram for instance. When I was growing up, there was a craze for Cabbage Patch dolls and then for those ultra-realistic, anatomically correct newborn baby dolls. I was never remotely interested. I liked dolls, but of the crinoline lady type rather than those representing children.

I don't ever remember playing 'mummy' type pretend games. I preferred to pretend I was a witch with a broomstick .

Whadda · 17/08/2021 20:46

Absolutely no regrets.

Love being a childfree cliche.

Sn0tnose · 17/08/2021 20:48

Christmas is a bit sad but really it's all sliding doors. Can't have everything in life.

That’s interesting because I think Christmas is better for not having children. We can enjoy the build up to Christmas. If we want to go out and drink cocktails or go to Midnight Mass, or sit in pyjamas and eat nothing but hot sausage rolls and Quality Street on Christmas Eve we can. We get up whatever time we want (usually super early because DH is like a five year old when it comes to Christmas). We have the money to spoil each other rotten, and we do. We spend ages pootling about cooking in the kitchen and eating what we want, when we want. We can play board games or go to the beach for a walk or sit and watch It’s a Wonderful Life in peace with a glass of something and the fairy lights twinkling. It’s bliss. We’re going to family this year and it will be nice to see the DC open gifts but we’ve both said how much we’re going to miss our Christmas.

Unfashionable · 17/08/2021 20:55

Yes, I know I’m missing out on part of life.

I’m missing out on pregnancy & childbirth, and the damage it could do to my body. I’m missing out on sleepless nights, shitty nappies, puddles of snot & vomit, dirt, noise, mess, constant endless expense, loss of freedom & independence etc etc etc ad fucking nauseam.

Being a parent isn’t for everyone and it definitely isn’t for me. I’m very happily childfree by choice with absolutely zero regrets.

Wombat64 · 17/08/2021 20:56

I think we're just a bit rubbish at planning stuff. I had a bit of a meltdown too last Christmas. But this is mostly due to some unresolved issues stemming from the past, nothing to do with kids or DH.

I'll remember this & make some storming sausage rolls this year. 😁

afghanistanwhatnow · 17/08/2021 21:03

Yes OP, currently struggling with your exact dilemma. Only difference is I'm currently TTC so do want kids and gosh it's hard.

Feel like an outcast so much so I don't really speak much to my friends and have had to distance myself. Sounds awful but I have to protect my own mental health as number one priority.

FreshFreesias · 17/08/2021 21:09

58, no kids, no regrets.

Original poster

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 21:10

afghan yes that must be so hard when it is what you want

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 17/08/2021 21:13

Love the perspectives on this thread. Sn0tnose, I'm no fan of Christmas but your post about the joys of a childfree Christmas has honestly given me a warm glow!

MabyBishFouth · 17/08/2021 21:21

Not really. Only in the way that those with kids are missing out on the many lovely things about being child free by choice. I wouldn't want to swap and neither would they, so it's all good.

I look at parents, kids, families etc and it's like observing aliens from another planet .

Maybe I'm weird to them also, who knows
Life would be boring if we were all the same.

afghanistanwhatnow · 17/08/2021 21:26

@LoganRoy it is, and have suffered a few losses so been TTC for two years now and it's very exhausting and just feel like the off one out all the time. I can't take it anymore.

If I didn't plan on children I'd definitely have to find a new group of friends - I don't think I'd enjoy being friends with my current ones long term as the situation is (harsh but how I feel)

Glampsite · 17/08/2021 21:33

I love my children but I could absolutely see a fun and fulfilling life without them. Dobro and wife are child free by choice and I do envy them a more carefree lifestyle. They can dip in and out as they please.

If I had my time again I'm not sure I would have had them. You're not supposed to say that bit it's true.

Saying that, as they get older, I enjoy their company more. I think when they are 25 and with their own lives returning for high days and holidays that will be perfect .

Original poster

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 21:41

Glampsite I appreciate your honesty.

afghan I can understand that. Have you listened to the How to Fail podcast before? Emma Barnett (radio presenter) spoke about how she probably would have moved abroad or changed her life dramatically if she hadn’t been able to have a baby, she couldn’t have just continued as she was. It’s a good episode, but obviously discussing IVF and TTC etc may be too upsetting to listen to.

OP posts:

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 17/08/2021 22:06

OP maybe you need to seek out other friends, maybe find a new hobby or way to meet people.
I'm very fortunate that my two best friends don't have or want kids either (yet, even though we are late 30's they could always change their minds). I'd say it is difficult when everyone around you is having kids, of course it becomes what they want to talk about and you feel left out.

I don't feel that I'm missing out, technically I am but that's not how I think about it or feel about it. I'm also 'missing out' on lots of other stuff I don't actually want to do. I don't feel sadness at all, I just know it's not what I want.

I do have a lot of sympathy for people who really want children and are unable to have them, that must be devastating. However, I don't feel like I'm living a lesser life for not being a mother, it's just a different life.

afghanistanwhatnow · 17/08/2021 22:23

@LoganRoy I haven't heard of it but looking it up right now! Thank you x

Lottapianos · 17/08/2021 22:33

Afghan, it's a great episode. Not a great Emma Barnett fan but she has a lot of interesting and compassionate things to say about infertility. The host Elizabeth Day has her own infertility story and has suffered 3 miscarriages of her own. It's a pretty emotional discussion but I hope you find it helpful

ThreeWitches · 17/08/2021 22:34

@Sxxyfing

Yawn

ceepeeree · 17/08/2021 22:36

Parent here. Love my kids but have zero interest in conversations that revolve around children and child-related topics.
So incredibly tedious

Clawdy · 17/08/2021 22:40

If you don't like or want kids, why join a group called Mumsnet?

ThreeWitches · 17/08/2021 22:46

@Clawdy

If you don't like or want kids, why join a group called Mumsnet?

Yawnnnnn.

Go and look at all of the talk topics, then come back to us and tell us how many are primarily about children HTH.

grapewine · 17/08/2021 22:53

@Clawdy

If you don't like or want kids, why join a group called Mumsnet?

Every damn time on these threads. I'm surprised it took so long actually.

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