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Original poster

If you are childfree (by choice) do you feel you are missing out on a part of life?

165 replies

LoganRoy · 17/08/2021 16:53

Sorry if that sounds goady or is a question you have to field a lot! I am currently childfree and plan to stay that way but I seem to be surrounded by babies at the moment and it’s really made me think. For one, that they (Couples I know who are pregnant or have babies) seem to suddenly have wider social circles - NCT friends, nursery friends, neighbours with children. Second that I don’t have much to add to the conversations, I can ask questions but I can’t do the comparisons with sleeping and food and what nursery to go to. I see everyone bonding over this stuff and I feel a bit gooseberry. I feel it’s only going to get worse as they get older.

I’m still probably 90% certain kids aren’t for me but I still feel like I’m missing out. Has anyone felt like this?

OP posts:
minipie · 18/08/2021 15:00

I can’t answer your question OP because I have DC, but if you like I can list all the stuff I’ve not been able to do because of having children.

Point being, both childfree and parents “miss out” on some experiences, friendships, opportunities - just different ones.

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 18/08/2021 15:05

My mum once told me that it's not normal not to want kids. And that couples without kids must have some kind of physical issue why they couldn't have kids. I never wanted kids and even the (I was a young teenager) I was hopping mad at how someone could assume that everyone wants kids. I never did and still don't.

There is so much more to me to life than having kids - actually, having kids would not be a happy thing for me. I have achieved and done a lot I think, and much of that would have not been possible had I been a mother. But horses for courses, of course.

JorisBonson · 18/08/2021 15:06

@minipie

I can’t answer your question OP because I have DC, but if you like I can list all the stuff I’ve not been able to do because of having children.

Point being, both childfree and parents “miss out” on some experiences, friendships, opportunities - just different ones.

But childfree by choice people don't want those experiences.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
WinglessSonglessBird · 18/08/2021 15:09

Yes, inthenameof, I've had it "explained" to me as well before that it is not normal as girl to not want kids. Gotten that too. I'm mentally ill for it, it's part of an illness.Hmm I was selfish was what was mostly concluded. Or don't want to benefit society (cuz people do talk a lot about how having kids creates the future etc etc). Umm 100% sure there are NO shortage of humans lol. It's not like I'm one of the last females left on earth. Even if I was, sorry, but the human species would die out if I was the only one and up to me to keep it going.

penguinwithasuitcase · 18/08/2021 15:48

OP, and others - you might find this interesting

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 18/08/2021 15:59

@WinglessSonglessBird Exactly. Because people have kids because they feel they have a duty to continue the human race. Right. People have kids because they want kids. Who will pay my pension? Well, just like I'm paying someone else's now, someone will pay mine then (although I have investments so even that is a moot point). Who will look after me in old age if I need help (horrid reason to have kids but that's beside the point)? I'll buy help. The way I see it, I have no need, or want, for children.

minipie · 18/08/2021 16:02

JorisBonson well the OP says she feels she’s missing out! Not on the experience of having children, agreed she doesn’t want that, more that she’s not making the friendships or joining in the conversations that are associated with being a parent.

And I’m pointing out that those who do have DC are missing out on other friendships and are unable to join in with other (probably rather more interesting…) conversations.

thecatneuterer · 18/08/2021 16:31

God no!

sammylady37 · 18/08/2021 18:57

The ‘not having kids is selfish’ argument falls down on the most rudimentary inspection.

Why do people have kids? Because they want to. They may dress it up as wanting to give their husband a child, wanting to give their parents grandchildren, wanting to continue the family name, wanting to leave a legacy, whatever but fundamentally it boils down to them having kids because they want to. Which of course is fine but is also inherently selfish. So they are really in no position to throw stones at childfree people who are also just doing what they want to do- ie staying childfree. And the decision to be childfree effects fewer people than the decision to reproduce.

No doubt someone will now come on and say that what they mean by childfree people being selfish is that they are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a parent and not willing to give up their lifestyles etc but to me that’s just Mummy-martyrdom and a lazy stereotype. (on that note, have we completed the bingo card with ‘meaningless lives full of designer handbags and fancy cars’ trope yet? We’ve had the ‘overwhelming love’ and ‘why are you even on MUMSnet??’ posts)

Original poster
LoganRoy · 18/08/2021 21:08

Lottapianos do you know Fern Brady? I watched her standup comedy show and I think she talked about having the urge but knowing she didn’t actually want children so trying to ignore it.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 18/08/2021 21:40

No doubt someone will now come on and say that what they mean by childfree people being selfish is that they are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a parent and not willing to give up their lifestyles etc but to me that’s just Mummy-martyrdom and a lazy stereotype.

Yes this. An implication that we would rather be frequenting wine bars or lying on beaches or buying a designer handbag than reading a bedtime story. It’s quite tiresome.

Lottapianos · 18/08/2021 21:54

'Lottapianos do you know Fern Brady?'

I don't! Will look her up, thanks for the tip

afghanistanwhatnow · 18/08/2021 22:00

@LoganRoy I listened to Emma Barnet podcast today, thank you. It actually made me chuckle and feel good knowing people have had similar experience. X

Original poster
LoganRoy · 18/08/2021 22:29

afghan that’s great Smile

OP posts:
MercyBooth · 19/08/2021 18:41

Just had to bail on a party i was supposed to be going to next weekend. A friends big birthday . I thought it was going to be adults only and in the evening. Turns out it starts in the afternoon and will be attended by several toddlers. Nope. Not for me. And being the only teetotal one i can guess how it would turn out. It wouldnt be intentional but it would turn out the way i think it will.

ViciousJackdaw · 19/08/2021 18:54

I'm not missing out on anything thank you very much - how on earth can you 'miss out' on something you do not want?

SquirryTheSquirrel · 19/08/2021 19:00

@MercyBooth

Just had to bail on a party i was supposed to be going to next weekend. A friends big birthday . I thought it was going to be adults only and in the evening. Turns out it starts in the afternoon and will be attended by several toddlers. Nope. Not for me. And being the only teetotal one i can guess how it would turn out. It wouldnt be intentional but it would turn out the way i think it will.
Yes, you'll get no uninterrupted adult conversation because the toddlers will be needing attention.

And the conversation there is will keep defaulting to nursery schools or other child-centred subjects on which your contribution is likely to be zero.

If you're the only sober adult the toddlers will probably latch onto you in the end.

MercyBooth · 19/08/2021 19:05

Thats why im not going. The party is in a garden of a house near a main road and there is a possibility that as the only sober one i would end up keeping an eye on them , running round and making sure they dont run into a main road. Will send my friend a decent present.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 19/08/2021 19:09

Not at all

IcedPurple · 19/08/2021 19:18

Am I missing part of life by being childfree? Obviously yes. I will never know the many joys, and many hardships, of being a mum.

Am I missing out by being childfree? I really don't think so. Nobody will ever experience everything that life has to offer. If I had children, I couldn't experience many of the things I do by remaining childfree. I'm 52, so clearly any chance of having children is behind me now, but if I had it to do again, I'd make the same choice, without question. Even the 'good' bits of motherhood simply don't appeal, and never have.

MercyBooth · 19/08/2021 19:22

Same here @IcedPurple Im 48.

IcedPurple · 19/08/2021 19:41

@MercyBooth

Same here *@IcedPurple* Im 48.
I feel sorry for women who are struggling with the decision, or those who desperately want children and can't have them. I feel quite fortunate that I have never felt any ambiguity or regret over my choice to remain childfree. So many women go through so much heartache over these matters. I am lucky not to be one of them.
Dozer · 19/08/2021 19:45

Currently visiting (male, gay) relatives with no DC: no one questions their decision.

Dozer · 19/08/2021 19:45

In the way women are Qd

MercyBooth · 19/08/2021 19:53

Yes exactly. I went on a couple of chat shows between 1997 and 2000 about this very subject and attitudes towards child free women have improved a bit since then but there is still a way to go. I remember another child free by choice woman on one of these shows describing it as "maybe my biological clock is minus its batteries"