Been up all night with DD who thinks world is ending

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

Dd has ASD she has been up all night having a meltdown. She has been watching the news. Climate change, Afghanistan she wants to die. She says the world is ending and she can’t cope. How can I reassure her.

Can someone give me some guidance on ways to talk her down.

She says we need to get guns, store food and drink. She doesn’t want brother to go to university.

I am exhausted, she is exhausted. Help!

Yes, I was thinking she could keep a gratitude journal. Each day write down 3 things she is grateful for. It can be something small and personal such as having a nice breakfast or something major like antibiotics being discovered.

Why does she want guns?
It’s the next step from preparing a stock of food/ meds etc in case of emergency. If society and order falls apart, some people feel they would need to defend or protect their family and supplies in some way.
The Covid lockdowns proved to me the importance of keeping 2 weeks of food etc in the house, so it’s not a bad idea (I dont think guns are necessary!), but very easy to get carried away with this self-sufficiency lark.
I really feel for you both, OP. hope you’ve had some advice that helps 💐

On the guns thing, if you can when she's calmer, talk about how that's a very American male egocentric thing ("me and weapon against the world"). If she's quite woke she might start understanding it that way.

Because In an actual huge crisis, the best thing that can happen (and tends to happen) is communities coming together.

Think of the start of covid and how many people started neighbour WhatsApp groups and volunteer networks and so on; think of food banks on a daily basis and charities and everyone who volunteers.

The best thing for long term survival is networks of skilled people working together.

How can she get involved in these? What can she offer?

I feel the same as her to be honest. And I'm in my sixties and not autistic. The news had been horrific recently and I'm having to tell myself not to go online to my usual news sources as often. I've managed to stop watching news on TV.

But realistically I know that I've lived through fear of nuclear war and many other awful news stories in the past. And as a pp suggested, I think talking about those things and how they resolved is probably the way to go.

If she's autistic I'd not go with the option of campaigning. That could become obsessive, and drill the fear into her mind even more. It's not as though she can actually change anything and she'd feel even more guilt and powerlessness.

Focus on her life. The small things. The good things. The immediate things. Her family, her community etc. Find small joys if you can.

No advice, OP, just sympathy. The situation sounds very challenging and I hope both of you soon find your way through this.

I'd recommend this newspaper subscription for the future. Unfortunately it only comes out every 3 months.

thehappynewspaper.com/?v=79cba1185463

I wouldn't stay up all night with her either. Tell her that it's just world events - there have always been big/scary world events, you can't dwell on them. Get to bed, stop over dramatizing. Advise she has a break from news/social media and tell her she doesn't get to decide her brother's life choices.

The more you emphasize her fears by staying up with them and discussing endlessly the worse she'll be.

I think it is pretty common for people to have brief periods where they think about retreating to the mountains of Montana with spam and guns!

I’m like this still at 40! I have ADHD not ASD

What helps? Action. Funnel the anxious energy, empathy and fear into positive action.

Climate change - factor it into every act. Learn to survive in a collapsed civilisation - grow veg, learn a martial art, to mend things, save insects, plant trees, advocate, go vegan, buy minimally. Let her do some prepping or advocacy. Where do her interests lie?

Afghanistan - terrible, we all feel helpless.

fundraising/donating to causes like:
www.facebook.com/Kabul-Small-Animal-Rescue-310454036508624/

Nowzad - www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/government-kabul-afghanistan-judi-dench-taliban-b950892.html

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4324025-AIBU-to-ask-how-to-help-women-and-girls-in-Afghanistan

Writing to MPs, etc, lobbying for humanitarian assistance. Refugee support.

These feeling won’t go away so she needs to learn to deal with it - acknowledge and channel it constructively. Repressing or ignoring it/distraction doesn’t work in my experience. It always pops up again. It is better to turn towards fears and worries and transform them creatively.

to her and you. Kudos on raising her to be so empathetic and compassionate - hard though it is - the world needs more people like that.

A lot of these ideas are lovely, but the OPs daughter is 16, seems fairly switched on and is unlikely to accept the babying/placating suggested here.

OP, it’s really hard. The world is utterly dismal at the moment, and on the back of 18 months of pandemic anxiety... your daughter is understandably struggling. I’m an adult with usually fairly manageable OCD/anxiety and I’ve had a few wobbles this year.

I think you need to respond to her fears with history, science and rational responses.

The climate crisis- yes on the edge of no return but most scientists believe we have time to stop- can she research and read some of the great projects that are showing promise e.g hydrogen power? Countries with progressive climate policies?

Afghanistan- terrible yes. Horrifying, and dreadful for the people that live there, but the history of Afghanistan is long and complex, and there has been tension in the decades. Can she look at some of the ways in which the west are signalling an attempt to open diplomatic channels and humanitarian efforts? Can she look at other geopolitical relationship histories with Afghanistan which are more positive- eg India?

And remind her- the media is a profit making entity. A company. They want clicks and sales- so their headlines and articles are always the most extreme bits of the news. Encourage her to seek out diverse academic perspectives, historians etc. which are generally more measured.

She’ll need your help with this, to talk through her findings, and steer her to more moderate information. But she needs your help anyway.

So much empathy for you both. Good luck. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help from her doctors etc if you feel she needs more medical psychological support.

I’ve had to come to work. So I’m knackered. I got her off to sleep just before I left. She will sleep all day now so I am not worried about immediate danger. Her brother is at home anyway.

Guns, because she thinks she needs to protect herself and the family. It is a very video game, walking dead like thought process I’m sure. But at 2am she wasn’t really thinking straight.

@54321nought

don't stay up all night with her

Uncalled for. Hope you and your daughter are ok OP

I have been through this with mine. Several times. It is hard. For them and for you.

I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. All I can tell you is how I handle it. I start by listening. I don't try to tell them they're wrong. I agree with them that it is scary and that their fear is normal. It's normal to feel afraid of terrible things that we have no control of.
When they are calmer I gently add to the conversations the nice things in the world. Then we talk about the history of humans and how awful things happen and yes, people suffer, but as a species we come through it. Then how lucky we are to live in a country where the worst of these things are unlikely to ever happen to us and if and how we can help people in other countries, no matter how small a way.

It's a lot of one step forward two steps back and I've never solved it as in stopped them obsessing the next time (and realistically you shouldn't think that will ever happen she is who she is, that's not going to change), but they feel heard, understood and it helps.

The worst thing you can with a young person or anyone with anxieties for that matter is to brush their real fears under the carpet. So watching the Disney channel with a hot chocolate won’t make her forget instantly or ignoring her oh my god that’s ridiculous.

Validate her feelings and educate. This isn’t anxiety over something small and irrelevant. Yes things are happening in the world that are bad and sometimes the news can be scary and overwhelming even for an adult. Maybe talk about history and how that unfortunately these things do happen . I fully agree about maybe getting a plan of small things she can do to help climate change. I like the idea about balance too with good news and positivity too. There’s a lovely Instagram/newspaper subscription called the happy newspaper which is lovely to read in every once in a while balance out the shit.

Also you know what your daughter best can handle, how she would react and process so do things in a way that she can cope with. Wether that’s gradual /subtle or proactive ways.

Can you do some reading on mindfulness and share with her. If you can get her to speak to someone professional on her anxiety I would invest in this. Listen to what she says but do not minimise it. Tell her she is right and there are things to worry about. Then get her to think about what she can do it can be as simple as writing a letter or raising some money. Then get her to have some perspective there are more nice people than not in the world and more people who want a better world than not and there are plenty of good news stories on the internet if you look for it. It is hard and it is nice that you have a DD who has a gentle soul that worries but you don’t want this to overwhelm her as it has on this occasion.

Do you have a familiar support worker team? They may be able to help.

Has she she got other issues? I had a friend who was suffering from depression and it started to focus on her concerns about climate change and how the whole world is fucked?

If it genuinely is climate change/ the news that has sparked this she needs to be taught coping mechanisms as they are always disastrous events.

I personally try to remember how dark the world ,must have looked on the eve of WW2, with WW1 not like far behind, but how in the long game, thinks worked out and we havesince lived through an unusually peaceful time historically in the West.

So many good suggestions here, personally I'm not as agreeable with the people telling her to get involved, I think in her headspace she's more going to not be able to handle everything that is out of her control- the huge things like industry. And I don't personally think Greta should be held ups an example, she is/was way too young to be allowed to do all she did, it's funny in an age where conservation is so huge that someone with asd is allowed be put into a situation where she can face that much with nobody saying her mental health should be looked after.

Perhaps help her look at all the countries in Africa and Asia and Europe that have become richer, more democratic, where family sizes have reduced over time with increasing women's education and so on. I see the negatives but perhaps your DD might gain something from looking at some of the positives rather than focus on Afghanistan? In Europe, we have most of the newer EU entrants who have surpassed regions of the UK in incomes and development, not that I'm saying the UK should be a benchmark.

Good luck.

I’ve been through the late night melt downs too and they are so, so tough.

I think everybody goes through an awful awakening to the horrors of the world. It’s just so much more extreme when you have asd. And because they chase logic down every last rabbit hole, you have to be so careful what you say, and that’s not easy when you’re tired.

I generally mention how far away these things are and how grateful we are for living in a democracy and a place with moderate weather systems (though ds is younger than your dd).

If I really have to, and haven’t managed to deflect or distract, I acknowledge the fears with him by looking at what we would do in a worst case scenario. And after a while we look at the likelihood of the possibility (which is usually rare) and that, if I’ve timed it right, soothes his very, very logical brain.

But ultimately, getting him talking about one of his obsessions is the key to getting off the edge of the cliff.

I hope you can get a bit of sleep today. I’ve found that these episodes are repeated night on night for a while. So do cram a nap in somewhere, if you can.

we need to live for today op.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I have been through this with mine. Several times. It is hard. For them and for you.

I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. All I can tell you is how I handle it. I start by listening. I don't try to tell them they're wrong. I agree with them that it is scary and that their fear is normal. It's normal to feel afraid of terrible things that we have no control of.
When they are calmer I gently add to the conversations the nice things in the world. Then we talk about the history of humans and how awful things happen and yes, people suffer, but as a species we come through it. Then how lucky we are to live in a country where the worst of these things are unlikely to ever happen to us and if and how we can help people in other countries, no matter how small a way.

It's a lot of one step forward two steps back and I've never solved it as in stopped them obsessing the next time (and realistically you shouldn't think that will ever happen she is who she is, that's not going to change), but they feel heard, understood and it helps.

Excellent post - totally agree.

I find the thing that really helps my ds is when he's calm and hearing that actually - everyone shares these fears. These fears and concerns are normal.

That it's possible to rationalise them but his asd makes it harder for him. But together we can find a way that helps and he'll be able to feel it like everyone else but also manage it like everyone else.

I’m finding it hard at the moment to get perspective on world issues, so can only just imagine what it’s like for a 16 year old to make sense of everything. Mindful activities can help. We can’t always put the world right, so it’s okay to do little things that help us and those immediately around us. Care for an animal, bake, garden, get her to paint your nails. I’ve gone cold turkey on the news at the moment because my anxiety was escalating. I know there are people who say you shouldn’t hide from truth but me having a breakdown doesn’t help anyone. Then when ready, look for opportunities to influence. Write to mp, support charity activity. 💐 for your daughter.

Big picture time.
Awful things happen.
The plague.
Women being property.
Women who lost their husbands in the first world war and their sons in the second.
There is rhythm to large tragedy. Like the seasons. Peaks and troughs. Hard times, good times. Out of the first world war came women's suffrage, pit of the second came huge social change - the NHS followed soon after.
The obliviousness of the 'boomer' generation to climate change has changed, the newer generations are acutely aware - painful bit the first step to a human race truly more sympathetic to the needs of nature. Adjustment periods are hard.
The feeling that things are getting worse and the past was better and more peaceful is common to everyone, all generations, over thousands and thousands of years. It's a nearly universal human instinct.
I think part of it is our life projection, on a small scale there is a loss of innocence. My toddler and baby no nothing of the badness in the world. They will (heartbreakingly) discover it though. Because our lives begin so sheltered and our whole world is our family, we have a deep feeling that things were better, safer, easier in the past. This cam translate to a wide wide feeling of impending doom. But it can be the sign of a secure childhood.
Also, anxiety is anticipated loss.
We look back on last tragedies and see it in context of the world not ending, of what came after, it becomes a story with more around it and becomes smaller. But the people at the time didn't know it would all turn out like that, they probably felt their world was ending.
Someone in the future may loop back on this time and think it wasn't that bad because they know what came next.
We wouldn't even know about Afghanistan if it wasn't for global reporting. Our brains are designed for smaller communities. Focus on a smaller works, family, friends, school, local news. Maybe do some actions that help global causes but don't dwell on them.
Read the 'look for the helpers' quote.
She's sharing a human emotion which connects her to so so so so so many others of her (human) race across time and the world. She's not alone. It's painful, it feels real, but it's likely her anxiety is lying to her somewhat. Her anxiety is panicking, it doesn't know what's coming next and is filling in the blanks with the worst case scenario.
We don't know what will happen. But I know how important it is to appreciate your life, love your family, try and make the days as beautiful as you can whilst being a responsible citizen of the world. I now think smaller than I used to, act more consciously, and love harder. What else can you do?

Guys @54321nought is trolling you. Don't rise.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun I'm so sorry. I think perspective is key, showing her what you were scared of at her age and explaining how every generation has to face scary things but it is usually ok in the end.

And then action, as others have said. Also socialisation - if you can get her to see a friend or relative today that is also very helpful for pulling her up out of her depression.

Good luck x

Talk to her about history.

Show her the many trails and tribulations the human race has faced and made it through.

Then sit down and work out a plan to channel her fear into something productive. How can she do her bit to help? Do you have a garden where she could grow her own vegetables. Could she walk or bike instead of being driven. Is there anything that can be donated for humanitarian aid in Afghanistan?