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Original poster

DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

164 replies

PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:14

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 16/08/2021 12:20

I'm guessing you're in your mid 30s. If you're only in your 20s then the below advice doesn't apply because you have time to wait around and make a decision.

Are you really sure you want to sacrifice the chance of having a child for this man? What if he leaves you in 5-10 years, would you still be happy with your decision?

Could you see a counsellor to work through your feelings? You could see a counsellor alone and then have relationship counselling.

user16395699 · 16/08/2021 12:23

I'm sorry, but is staying with him really the right choice for your life and wellbeing?

This isn't going to be the same as if you chose to stay despite infertility because this is a choice he has freely made which totally changes the dynamic.

You don't seem to be at all compatible anymore.

ComDummings · 16/08/2021 12:26

@user16395699

I'm sorry, but is staying with him really the right choice for your life and wellbeing?

This isn't going to be the same as if you chose to stay despite infertility because this is a choice he has freely made which totally changes the dynamic.

You don't seem to be at all compatible anymore.

I agree with this ^ I’m sorry OP, it must be so hard for you. But you don’t have to stay with your DH if you want children. You could leave, find someone else, use sperm donation etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/08/2021 12:28

You’re feelings won’t go away. The desire to have a child will chew away at you and you will become increasingly bitter and resentful.

Time to leave now.

Ginisatonic · 16/08/2021 12:28

I think the suggestion of counselling is a good one. I know it doesn’t always help but I do think you need to really carefully consider your options here. A counsellor would be more useful than a book because you need to discuss your feelings.

Mumsnut · 16/08/2021 12:29

I have thrice now seen friends who were with guys who 'didn't want children' / 'didn't believe in marriage' (or both) see out their fertile years with these men, only to be dumped in favour of a younger model, at which point their exes miraculously became married family men in very short order.

I would leave. Its hard though

GingerBreadTeddy · 16/08/2021 12:33

I would leave to be honest, unless you are already right at the end of your fertile years.

Husbands come and go - awful but true Sad

And please don’t ever have a baby with a man who doesn’t want one

If you decide to stay look up Gateway Women

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 16/08/2021 12:34

Unfortunately I don’t think this is something you’ll be able to ‘get over’, so to speak. The biological urge is strong and you may feel yourself feeling quite bitter as you see friends, relatives etc having babies. I can imagine that when you hit your mid 40s, you could potentially be angry and resentful at your DH for denying you the chance to have children. Or when you’re older and see friends with grandkids, you may find the what ifs are always there.

I think you have a big decision to make as to whats important in your life and whether you’ll be happy being childfree.

user97495 · 16/08/2021 12:37

This isn't something you will get over. If you want children you need to find a partner who wants the same things in life as you do, the same for your husband as well. I know it's not as simple as it sounds and it would be heart wrenching, but something as big as having a family can't really be compromised in the same way personality traits can be.

Moonface123 · 16/08/2021 12:38

A book won't really change much, as your instincts are what they are.
You may come to resent your decision to go along with your husband further down the line. I personally think it's quite selfish of your husband to deny you the experience of being a parent.

Original poster
PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:39

Thank you all, lots to consider here. I did mention about leaving to him yesterday when we had a chat and he was very sad, but it's not something I've fully thought through.

I appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2021 12:43

It's not something you will come to terms with.

You'll just because increasingly upset/angry and resentful.

It's one thing to enter into a marriage in the knowledge your DH didn't want children and quite another to be in the situation years down the line when they've changed their mind.

Upshot is your DH has time on his side and you don't.

You don't say what age you are but assuming your early thirties he's still got well over a decade to be happy with the status quo and then change his mind again.

You don't.

Sadly like a pp I've seen this happen a few times with male work co workers who hit their 40's and suddenly reinvent themselves as a family man with a new, younger partner.

For your well being I think you need to leave.

Ohpulltheotherone · 16/08/2021 12:44

Well OP what it comes down to is do you want your husband more than you want a child / children?

Perhaps you don’t know the answer to that question yet so maybe some counselling or reading up on childless / child free lives will help you decide.

If you feel a longing when you see other people with babies and children then you may already know that it’s what you want.

Roughly 40% of marriages end in divorce OP - I’m not being negative just realistic. How will you feel if your relationship breaks down in 10/20 years and you never have children because it’s what he wanted.

The only reason you should stay childfree is if YOU want that. Not for a partner and not to keep a relationship.
The resentment will ruin your marriage anyway if it’s not really what you want.

Abouttimemum · 16/08/2021 12:45

I agree with PPs. If your desire for children is strong then it won’t go away.

I had similar in that we always agreed no children, but I changed my mind late 30s after 20 years together. Thankfully DH was in the not fussed either way camp so had no issues with my change of heart. Once I had the desire for children though it didn’t go away until we got DS here.

PieceOfString · 16/08/2021 12:45

I know a lady who made a successful marriage with her dh when she wanted children but he didn't. However she married him knowing this, had made her peace with it and throws herself into her nieces and nephews so had an outlet for her maternal instincts that way.
I think given you entered a lifetime partnership with him on a very different footing you almost need to re-examine this decision in this new light. I think counselling so you can unpick where this leaves you would be a good choice of you can. It is now a massively more complicated decision than it would have been back then. What an awful position to find yourself in, I'm so sorry to hear it. Sorry I can't suggest any reading on it. But wanted to offer solidarity and it is a big deal, such that serious support to come through with minimal regrets whichever way you go is valid.

WhiskersPete · 16/08/2021 12:46

Those feelings won't go away by reading book or by doing anything else. They will get worse until it's too late. Are you sure you want to sacrifice this for him?

Buttons294749 · 16/08/2021 12:46

If you're over 30 I would leave him and find someone who does want kids. No man is worth not having children for. What if he decides to have lots with a new woman in 20 years - it's perfectly possible! Put yourself first and follow what YOU want

Fridgedooropen · 16/08/2021 12:47

First off, Flowers it is so hard.

we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way,

Thing is, that can't now be maintained because it now becomes 'just the two of us forever because he doesn't want kids'. It removes the sense of contentment with choosing to be a twosome. One of you hasn't chosen it. That will have an impact. You can't just sail on as you were.

I agree with posters saying seek counselling, but also asking if you are sure you want to give up on children. I have a lovely husband but I was lucky enough to have a child, and if I had to choose I would pick child over partner every time, acknowledging all the difficulties and losses of that.

Arghlife · 16/08/2021 12:47

This is just echoing what other people have said but you need to have some time away and to really think about your future. Would you be happy with no children? I don't know how old you are but what if your marriage breaks down in so many years and it's too late to have children? I know that I couldn't not have a child.

Lottapianos · 16/08/2021 12:49

'if you decide to stay look up Gateway Women'

Agree. It's a brilliant online community for women who don't have children and are struggling with that situation. The founder Jody Day has also written a book called 'Rocking The Life Unexpected'

I don't have children, after many years of struggling with that decision, and life without children can be wonderful and has a lot to recommend it. I agree with other posters though about being as certain as you can that you can live with the decision to stay with him and not be a parent. He has made his decision but you don't have to stay ☺️

TrashKitten10 · 16/08/2021 12:50

What a horrible situation for you Sad He's really left you with an awful decision to make after making you think you were on the same page regarding children.

I echo what others have said that if you are really desperate for a baby that feeling won't just go away.

Ultimately though only you can decide whether you could feel genuinely happy and fulfilled choosing to be child free, and that could be with or without your husband as you never know what the future holds for your relationship. If there's any part of you that thinks you would resent not being able to try then you need to end the relationship.

BrilloPaddy · 16/08/2021 12:50

Oh OP, I don't think this is something that any book is going to cure.

I think you need some space and time to think here. That's a pretty major life decision that he's just made on your behalf.

I wouldn't have sacrificed being a mother for anything or anyone - it was a primal need.

I'm so sorry Flowers

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 12:50

Please don't do this. Someone I know compromised on children AND marriage because her partner didn't want kids and didn't believe they needed a bit of paper to validate their relationship. They were together from the ages of 20 to their earlier 40s, owned property etc together. He then left her for a younger woman and less than a year later he had both married the OW and was expecting a baby with her. Meanwhile my friend was left too old to have a baby. Biggest regret of her life.

Don't compromise on this one. If he doesn't want kids and you do the relationship has no future.

Edmontine · 16/08/2021 12:51

If you want children and he doesn’t you only need books on how to divorce well.

So you’ll have the option of children with someone else, or by yourself.

It’s perfectly fine to be married and child free if that’s what both parties agree on.

But, trust me, there’s every possibility he’ll eventually make some other woman pregnant.

singleandlooking · 16/08/2021 12:57

Another vote for please don’t settle. How old are you OP?