DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

[PracticalTacticalBrilliance]

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

This isn't just a decision that is made and then recedes as you move on to the next stage of your life. If you stay and remain childless because your DH doesn't change his mind, it will live alongside you for the rest of your life.
Unless you have friends who also have no children, you will watch them reach every milestone of the very long list of parental rites of passage, from birth through to grandchildren.
Many people successfully and happily do that, or learn to cope with it, if they have been unable to have children of their own.
You don't sound like someone who is ready to make that "no-return " decision.

I have thrice now seen friends who were with guys who 'didn't want children' / 'didn't believe in marriage' (or both) see out their fertile years with these men, only to be dumped in favour of a younger model, at which point their exes miraculously became married family men in very short order.

I’ve also witnessed this. A family friend stayed with her husband who ‘didn’t want children’ even though she desperately did. She came to terms with it by working with children a lot through the scouts and volunteered at a local youth club too. Anyway the husband left her when she was in her late 40s for a younger woman and low and behold she was pregnant soon after… Horrible to think she could have had children and been a wonderful Mother had he just been honest a decade sooner. Bastard.

Don’t let this happen to you OP, I’d get out now and look into sperm donors.

A lot of people talking about leave and meet someone else to have children with like it’s absolutely guaranteed?

Like yes this may well be a dealbreaker, she may well regret staying and not having kids. But is it not also a possibility she leaves, doesn’t meet anyone and has no kids OR husband. She could end up regretting the one who got away.

Leaving may well be the best option but it’s not a guaranteed no regrets happy ending.

I've got a friend in your situation OP, except in her case they got married both not wanting children, and when she hit late 30s she felt differently. Some years passed where she wanted to try and he didn't. She's now late 40s, they didn't have children, and this is an issue between them that can't really be resolved at this point. I have the sense that when they argue about other things, the resentment about being childless creeps in and sort of amplifies resentment about more everyday things. They love each other but this is such a fundamental thing.

It's not easy though, and depending on your age there is no guarantee that if you left him, you'd find someone else to have a child with. You could do it on your own, of course. But that is bloody hard and lonely, especially in the early years.

I think some counselling to talk through your feelings could be helpful in working out what's most important to you.

I've been there. Admittedly a few years earlier in your timeline. I spent the best part of 7 years with my ex partner (we never married) but him never keen on the idea of children. We parted ways both aged 31. I met my future DH at 32 and had my first child at 36. To my knowledge ex partner doesn't have children to this day. It was the right decision. I ended up resenting him and that would just have grown. I think if you are both indifferent to children or have the exact same mindset regarding not having children then it can work and I know some couples who have happily taken that decision and not regretted being child free. But you both have to want it. From my experience it is a longing that never goes away and you can't counsel your way into accepting it. It's very different if you can't have children but if the reason you can't is because your DH won't even try then that is hard to live with.

The thing is, this speaks of his love (or not) for you

This is a reckless statement. This post goes on to talk about the risks of sacrificing your desire for children (which I agree OP shouldn’t do) but there’s a huge risk associated with having them to please someone else. And by then there are at least 3 people impacted, not just the couple.

Wow. On the one hand I’m not surprised about these responses on MN but at the same time, I really hope my OH never just saw me as an incubator and I certainly never saw him as just a sperm donor.

I love my kids to bits but I would never have left OH if he hadn’t wanted kids. I loved him. Settled with him. Would have been happy with just him.

OP maybe you will make a different choice. But there’s no guarantee you will meet someone else and have kids. I mean you can always find some to just settle for I’m sure, but it won’t necessarily be the love you currently have.

My first marriage ended this way. The "soon just not now" never came.
It's legitimate grounds for divorce
under unreasonable behaviour.

Move on

I love my kids to bits but I would never have left OH if he hadn’t wanted kids. I loved him. Settled with him. Would have been happy with just him.

Ridiculous and pointless statement. How can you possibly know how you'd feel in that situation.

Why don't you ask all the women mentioned on this thread, who compromised on children, whose husbands then left and had children with younger women, how they feel?

If you want kids do not compromise. Either way the relationship is fucked.

I would have left DH if he didn’t want children. That desire for kids only grows. Yes you might not meet anyone else but if you’re in your 30s there is still time. It would be sad to leave him but you wound be doing the right thing for you.
You won’t come to terms with it, you will resent him. The desire for children is so strong

@Thesandmanishere

I love my kids to bits but I would never have left OH if he hadn’t wanted kids. I loved him. Settled with him. Would have been happy with just him.

Ridiculous and pointless statement. How can you possibly know how you'd feel in that situation.

Why don't you ask all the women mentioned on this thread, who compromised on children, whose husbands then left and had children with younger women, how they feel?

If you want kids do not compromise. Either way the relationship is fucked.

Well for a long time OH did say he didn’t want kids. And I didn’t leave him. So yes, I think my point is valid. Sorry I don’t fit your angry woman mould.

You said this in your first post:

We both wanted them when we were first together

and then you said this:

I just don't know whether it was me who misunderstood things & changed the goalposts. I had always thought we'd decided no children at that point but we'll discuss in a few years when things were settled. Neither of us wanted children at that point, so I don't know whether I'm being unfair to be so upset as I have changed my mind

My feeling is that you haven't changed your mind, he has. I think you are being unfair to yourself.

Anyway, whatever the original decision, both of you have an absolute right to your feelings. If you want children and he doesn't then I don't think you have a future together.

Well it's worth more talking about isn't it? And this time, instead of just getting sad, you need to both really spell out what you want and discuss if he will 'cave.' It's not a compromise so this all depends on whether or not he will come round to what you want - which is have a child

So I'd be having a very frank chat with him and only then can you make a decision

ExDH who was never having children does now. Fortunately I do too.

Think carefully.

Although he's allowed not to want any. Or to change his mind.

@Thesandmanishere

Please don't do this. Someone I know compromised on children AND marriage because her partner didn't want kids and didn't believe they needed a bit of paper to validate their relationship. They were together from the ages of 20 to their earlier 40s, owned property etc together. He then left her for a younger woman and less than a year later he had both married the OW and was expecting a baby with her. Meanwhile my friend was left too old to have a baby. Biggest regret of her life.

Don't compromise on this one. If he doesn't want kids and you do the relationship has no future.

This, sadly so this. I've seen it happen so many times, the man has the freedom to wait. I'm so sorrow

@MrsTerryPratchett

ExDH who was never having children does now. Fortunately I do too.

Think carefully.

Although he's allowed not to want any. Or to change his mind.

Oh I know, I definitely don't want to force him into anything. I don't want to leave him, that is a last resort, but something I am not ruling out if it comes to it. There's absolutely no guarantee I would find anyone else. I'm not settling with my husband but we love each other so much and want to make it work, so we will do that first.

I don't want him to have children with me just because, and I would like to see if I can have children - maybe not, who knows, but I'd like to see. If it's not fully compatible for us to feel those things together then that's what it is.

If he doesn't want children, it's as valid a reason as me wanting them, but how that affects our relationship needs to be discussed. Which is what we're going to do before making any further decisions.

Don't give up having children for this man. I know so many women who did this and lo and behold their husbands then left them years down the line and they ended up having the children they said he never wanted with a much younger woman

As you say, it's valid if he does not want children. But if what he wants is the child-free status quo relationship he has with you, then... that's gone already, isn't it?

These kind of situations are exactly why we need to reframe the discussiom around marriage. A "successful" marriage shouldn't be about "til death do us part", it should be about a nourishing and enriching relationship that it's ok to move on from when life paths diverge.

I honestly can't think of a more important topic to agree on in a marriage than kids vs no kids. It's a yes or no thing. You can't guarantee children ever but that shared goal and vision of the future (short and long term) is so important.

It is ok to end your relationship over this, if that's what you choose to do. I can hear you feel a bit guilty that you've "changed your mind"? Have you changed your mind, or do you each make assumptions, perhaps?

Could you go to a sperm donor?

@FakeFruitShoot

These kind of situations are exactly why we need to reframe the discussiom around marriage. A "successful" marriage shouldn't be about "til death do us part", it should be about a nourishing and enriching relationship that it's ok to move on from when life paths diverge.

I honestly can't think of a more important topic to agree on in a marriage than kids vs no kids. It's a yes or no thing. You can't guarantee children ever but that shared goal and vision of the future (short and long term) is so important.

It is ok to end your relationship over this, if that's what you choose to do. I can hear you feel a bit guilty that you've "changed your mind"? Have you changed your mind, or do you each make assumptions, perhaps?

We've definitely discussed it before, and decided that the time wasn't right. We said we'd revisit it - originally a couple of years ago but I got made redundant and he was between jobs and again it was a bad time. Everything is more settled now and I think I've change my mind from 'let's see' to 'I would like to have a baby' whereas he's gone to 'I'd rather not'

In terms of me saying he was sad when I brought up potentially leaving. I mean he was sad I'd even brought it up, as if it had never occurred to him that it would be an outcome, not that he was sad and resigned to losing me instead of having children.

Firstly you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

Secondly, in light of his response above I think you need to spell out clearly what he's asking of you, because if he didn't figure this could be an "end of the road" decision, then he hadn't understood all the ramifications.

Namely:

• you come to resent him, even if you love him and part anyway childless

• you come to terms with being childless as the price of staying married. The relationship fails for other reasons.

• he changes his mind 6 years down the line. You face expensive and uncertain fertility treatment or he leaves you for someone else

• you stay, come to terms with not having children and have a long happy marriage

The fact is the odds are very much against this working out and the risk is all in your direction.

In any scenario apart from the last, you lose. He wins in all of them.

That's what I mean when I think you need to be clear what he's asking of you and why it might mean a parting of ways.

He's asking you you make an irreversible choice now in the knowledge he has a decade or more to change his mind.

It's a very unbalanced situation.

Yes it's not certain if you left you would meet someone else, but you could go it alone if you wanted.

This must be so hard. You must be devastated OP.

I have been with my husband for over 20 years and I can’t imagine having to walk away from him because we wanted different things. However, if he had said he didn’t want children I honestly don’t know what I would have done. I love him so much, but this is huge, and life changing. I think @DeRigueurMortis is spot on with the points she has made.

I suspect your DH is looking at things in the here and now - which is fine - but making the decision to have children isn’t just a here and now decision. It’s not even something that will only effect you for the next 18 years. Not having children is accepting that you won’t have adult children in your elderly years, you definitely won’t have grandchildren etc. Obviously there are no guarantees in life for any of this stuff. But when we chose to have kids, we go into it with the hope that we will have a family and be a part of that family for the long term, into our elderly years. As I said, we can’t assume that things always work out as we hope but I think its important to consider the longer term implications of this decision. It’s not just a lifestyle choice for the next 20 years - it’s momentous.

I have a close friend who does not have kids. Didn’t ever want them, made the decision and says she doesn’t think twice about it. They are happy, fulfilled, have a very different life to me. But they made that decision for themselves, it wasn’t dictated to them by a relationship, or taken away from them by a partner. I’m not convinced I could stay in a relationship and be genuinely happy with my partner making that decision for me. It’s too big. And it will rear its head time and time again particularly if you have family and friends with children - every big event has the potential to cause resentment for you. Birthdays, Christmas, christenings, first days of school - the list is endless. You would really have to be 100% at peace with the decision, and very much feel that YOU were part of the decision making. Which in this case you haven’t been.

Obviously there are no guarantees that you will be able to conceive a child - but that’s a different matter all together.

The sad reality is that men also have more time than us. You can’t stay and hope he might change his mind - it could be too late by then and that could also be the end of your marriage.

People’s marriages don’t work for so many reasons - it sounds as though you probably are no longer compatible because you both want very different things. I know this might be hard to accept, especially if you are so happy in all other aspects of your life and your relationship.

And of course there are no guarantees that you will meet someone and have a baby - but there are other options for your to explore.

Well for a long time OH did say he didn’t want kids. And I didn’t leave him. So yes, I think my point is valid. Sorry I don’t fit your angry woman mould.

Again, how do you think you'd have felt if you'd never had kids and he'd gone off and had kids with someone else when you were out of your fertile years?

Your experience is of no relevance to the OP.