DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

[PracticalTacticalBrilliance]

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

There is no book in the world that will help you come to terms with this, I'm afraid. None.

Your DH isn't wrong in deciding he doesn't want children - but it does mean he is no longer right for you.

The need to have a child is so hardwired into most of us, and there is simply no stronger bond than that between a parent & child. It is primeval in its intensity and incomparable to anything else you will experience. I love my DH very, very much but in a life or death situation I would sacrifice him to save our DDs without hesitation - and he would do the same. And that's exactly how it should be.

I guarantee that if you stay with him, and stay childless, you will come to hate him. And that isn't fair for either of you.

Marmitemarinaded yep you must be real proud of marrying well, being a SAHM and getting a good divorce settlement...that work ethic has proved fruitful for you. You single strong woman in your group that have done well on their own...not....

Bye the way, OP, be kind to yourself. I hope you have some real life support…

I think he needs to tell you if he doesn't want children, at all. Or if he doesn't want children with you. Harsh as it sounds, you need to know.

I'm only saying this because a friend was with someone for years who said no children or marriage, they eventually split up and he went and had children with someone else. He really should have been honest and said no children with you.

Be brave OP and jump ship. Don't waste another ovulation on him. Set him free to form a happy child free relationship with someone else of a similar mindset.Things will hopefully work out for you but if they don't you will have many less regrets than if you stay.

Two sets of my friends were the same. Late 30s, wanted kids, male partners didn't. Both ended up leaving the partners. One found a new partner, was able to have a child with the willing guy within 5 years. The other went solo with a sperm donor , now has a beautiful.little girl, and is deeply happy. BOTH ex partners coincidentally went off and had kids with other women - they just didn't want kids with my friends. Men can have children up until elderly age. We can't. I also have several friends who have missed the boat with kids (mid 40s/50s), one is receiving therapy for it, as she could never come to terms with never havung children thanks to her then dh refusing children when originally he said he was open to it, one is permanently single, and another is again receiving therapy whilst desperately trying for a sperm donor.

Nobody should be expected to have a baby they don't want in order to keep a partner happy. That would be a terrible situation for all involved.

Some men find they enjoy being a father when it happens even though they hadn't been keen beforehand, but others just aren't cut out for it.

A friend's ex H never wanted children. But when he met her she made it clear that a relationship with her meant marriage and children. He was so besotted, and promptly dumped the first wife, who was left bitter that she had missed out on the chance to have children while my friend quickly produced two.

But he really hated the toddler years. On their annual trips to Australia to visit her family he would sit in another part of the plane and take sleeping pills leaving her to get on with two small children on a long haul flight.

He went off with someone from his work, a sophisticated high flyer with no maternal urges so he could enjoy the child free life again.
I phoned my friend a little while after the bust up and was surprised when he answered the phone, explaining he was "babysitting". I've long regretted being too taken aback to tell him in no uncertain terms he wasn't the babysitter, he was the father.

Anyway, as the children got older he enjoyed doing the fun part of parenting, a daughter going into the same profession as him, a son keen on the same sports. He just didn't want to put in the hard work when they were young and my friend had a tough time being a single parent (even before they split up).

The good news is you do still have plenty of time OP, don't panic yet.
It took me a long time to find someone to have children with, and I know I was lucky, but had no trouble at 40 and 42. My poor DH would have liked a few more years of trying hard I'm sure.

[quote LordOfTheThings]@lynsey91 I'm not sure what you're getting at, don't you believe these posters? It's quite possible that people you know didn't always tell you why they parted ways so perhaps you do know people who were in that situation but they chose to keep their business private.[/quote]
I am saying that although so many posters claim to know men who have left their wives/partners and then had children it doesn't mean it will happen to the OP.

Most people I know have NOT parted ways.

Most people I know have NOT parted ways.

That's great.

But that really depends on the partner wanting children to come to terms with the fact thar will not happen.

Staying together is one thing, being happy in the long term is another - which isn't going to happen if you can't (or believe you won't) come to terms with your being childless at the behest of your husband.

In such situations I tend to consider if I could cope with the worst case scenario - in this case the marriage failing after she can no longer conceive and he then goes on to start a family with someone else.

Of course that's not certain. But neither is the possibility that he might change his mind in wanting a child past the point where she can't.

It's a very personal decision and other people's experiences are only useful in so far as to offer possible outcomes be they cautionary tales or happy endings.

At this point I think the best advice is to talk it through again.

Make clear exactly what he's asking of her and ensure he understands that stay or leave the relationship will not be the same.

He will either re-consider or not. In therms of the latter the OP needs to make what is frankly a least worse choice for her.

You need to be really clear with him what you want ( a baby) and how you would feel if you can't have one. Spell it out. He can explain why he doesn't want one and how he would feel if he lost you. Only by talking through it will you both be able to have the information to make a decision and think through whether your relationship can survive. I was in this situation and for me it was a deal breaker. I would have been miserable without children and would have resented him. We wouldn't have made it. Maybe you will. Only you will know.

Hi OP

I read a book maybe 10 years ago by a woman who was in your position and I have spent ages this evening trying to find out who the author was, without success.

The main things I remember about her story was that she reluctantly accepted her DH’s decision and as she loved him she decided to stay with him. While coming to terms with everything she found she experienced a lot of hostility and incredulous comments, both in social and other situations.

Her eventual final response to her DH was that if she accepted his wishes she demanded he complied with hers too. She asked him to prove his conviction by having a vasectomy. She also asked that he answered questions whenever it was raised about being childless, when in conversations, etc., and to make it clear that it was his decision alone. It became increasingly difficult for her to come to terms with the adjustment without having to explain, defend or justify as there was such a stigma attached to not wanting children. It also avoided people hinting at when the couple would eventually produce, etc.

Her DH did have a vasectomy, he willingly explained to people (to save her that additional and often repeated angst) that HE didn’t want children and they ended up staying happily married. She decided she loved him more than risking trying to live a different life without him.

You have a long way to go with your thoughts and discussing options and I hope that you find acceptance and peace in whatever you decide to do, for both your sakes. Take time.

This is non-negotiable.
I would divorce him.

If you end it, just be prepared that he will have found a younger pair of knickers by dark, have her knocked up before Michaelmas and he'll think he's Stud Number 1.
A lot of men are like that.

@Ivegotanewfridge

The thing is, this speaks of his love (or not) for you

This is a reckless statement. This post goes on to talk about the risks of sacrificing your desire for children (which I agree OP shouldn’t do) but there’s a huge risk associated with having them to please someone else. And by then there are at least 3 people impacted, not just the couple.

No, it isn't a reckless statement at all. If you are the one that makes the sacrifice to be with someone else then it's pretty obvious that you are more in love with your partner than they are with you because you are willing to give up something you have a biological urge for for the sake of another person.

People may not want something in theory but may change their minds later, my husband certainly did. If they don't then that in itself says something. This thread is littered with stories of people who said they weren't up for children when really they just weren't up for children with their partner at the time. They soon changed their mind when they found a partner they did want children with.

I split with ex at 35 ad he didn't want kids and net DH / years later and had a child in my 40's.
Interestingly, ex met someone else about 2 years later too and had 2 kids with her. I never spoke to him again as we had a very acrimonious break up but a mutual friend told kept me posted.