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Original poster

DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

164 replies

PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:14

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 16/08/2021 16:50

The ones I have known that didn't have children that they wanted are hit hard a second time when their friends become grandparents. If you don't want children that is fine but you do.
Are you willing to not have children and be alone because that is the situation you have to imagine, not being without children and being with your husband because that isn't a given.

Terhou · 16/08/2021 16:52

Of course there is no guarantee that you will find someone else, but there are other means of having children, e.g. donor insemination and adoption.

I'm a bit concerned that you seem to envisage that making your relationship work solely involves you making concessions to what your DH wants without any concessions from him. Yes, in the final analysis he shouldn't be forced into having children if he absolutely doesn't want them, but that's a fairly odd position for him to take when he has been fully on board with the idea until fairly recently. It does rather look as if he decided that he has a nice, comfortable life right now and doesn't want that to change, without taking into account that throwing this bombshell into your life was going to change things radically for you. Just reading books is never going to sort that out.

LoislovesStewie · 16/08/2021 16:57

This is a situation where there are no winners, FWIW I do know people who have been in this situation. In one case the woman didn't want children, the man said that he loved his wife so much he was willing to forego them. Then suddenly she decided that she didn't want to stay married to him, he was distraught and, I would say, suicidal, but after a couple of years met another woman, and they now have children. He is clearly very happy now. In the other case the man didn't want children and quite frankly the woman stayed but was 'never really happy again' as she said to me. I can't give you more advice than to say that the question is, are you willing to constantly wonder what could have been?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2021 16:57

@Thesandmanishere

Well for a long time OH did say he didn’t want kids. And I didn’t leave him. So yes, I think my point is valid. Sorry I don’t fit your angry woman mould.

Again, how do you think you'd have felt if you'd never had kids and he'd gone off and had kids with someone else when you were out of your fertile years?

Your experience is of no relevance to the OP.

That's not what she said at all.

They both went into the marriage wanting children in the future.

After that there were times when it was discussed and mutually agreed the time wasn't right (her DH working away/redundancy etc).

All that happened is that they both "parked" the decision about when to have children with the assumption until now that it was something they both wanted at the right time.

The difference now is that her DH has said there will never be a right time for him.

That's a very scenario.

DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2021 16:58

Sorry I was responding to the comment in bold and not the text below.

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 16:59

DeRigueurMortis

Not sure you aimed that comment at the right person as I was quoting a pp!

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 16:59

Sorry, cross post!

mynameisbrian · 16/08/2021 17:00

Thats a horrible situation to be in. I would feel very upset and lied to if my DH who had never made clear he didnt want DC before marriage has decided it now. I know men who told wives this and divorced and funny enough these men are now having kids of their own in late 40s with new woman. Men have that choice you see, we dont. For a woman to decide to stay with a man who says no kids it is pretty final once you hit menopause. Most men can have kids until they die. You need to decide whether this man is worth giving up your chance of having DC

PermanentTemporary · 16/08/2021 17:05

I'm in the camp that you probably need to leave. I was in this situation and left my XH - never regretted it. However:

-don't resent him. Not wanting children is completely legitimate and if there's any suggestion about reading for you i would say the Mumsnet Being a Parent threads...

-agreed that he should absolutely see splitting as a possible outcome of his decision. My XH said that to him, me wanting a child was like me wanting another man - he was totally unable to understand the nature and strength of the urge, or how wanting children can be a legitimate feeling of its own. Your h doesn't sound as if he feels like this, but his sadness at the idea of splitting suggests he thought the relationship would be enough for you and is surprised there's anything else going on for you. Well,it is legitimate to want kids whatever you decide.

-i had no guarantees when I left him but for me, life was much better as a single person than the daily agony of thinking about this.

  • my XH did me a huge favour by having a vasectomy. There was no way back and no more secret hope. Think about how you'd feel if he did that: I wonder if you are still harbouring hope even after this discussion.

Good luck.

QueenHofScotland · 16/08/2021 17:07

Agree @Terhou - I mean every relationship has concessions and compromise.

In this case the OP’s husband has assumed she will compromise to fit in with his plans and that this will allow the relationship to continue as it was. Except it won’t. Because it can’t ever go back to the way it was again. It’s too big a decision. Too much of a compromise potentially.

Of course it’s not ok to force someone to have kids. But equally it’s not ok to force someone NOT to have kids. It is selfish and naive to assume that you can take this decision away from someone and carry on as normal.

My cousin was in a long term relationship - she hadn’t been married but her partner had been. She wanted to get married. It was important to her. Her partner didn’t. Been there, done that kind of attitude. Had no big issues with the commitment of marriage but almost couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of it all again, they were happy as they were. Until he realised just how important it was for my cousin. It wasn’t a big deal for him, and wasn’t a deal breaker. He proposed to her and they got married. He compromised, there is absolutely no resentment (the opposite, he threw himself into the wedding plans etc) because it wasn’t a deal breaker for him. It wasn’t worth losing her. That’s what you the OP needs to consider.

I’m not saying it’s as easy in this case. If the OP’s husband is “talked in to” having kids, it might be him that ends up resentful, the marriage might not work anyway.

I guess my point is I hope your DH truly understands the momentous decision this is and that it can’t just be him saying no - and that if that’s how it is you may well walk away.

LordOfTheThings · 16/08/2021 17:10

My best friend was in a very similar situation many years ago. Her DH decided, after they were married, that he didn't want children after all. She was devastated but said she 'made her peace' with it because she loved him and the fact that he just wanted it to remain the two of them made her realise how much he loved her that he didn't want to 'share' her 🙄.

Fast forward 25 years and they are still together. Except she hates him now. She hates that she never had children and now can't. She hates that he was such a selfish prick that he told her he wanted children then said he didn't. She's heard him tell people many times that he never wanted them and feels she was hoodwinked all those years ago. I've no idea why she stays with him, she's full of resentment for him and can barely be in the same room as him.

Caffeinemonster · 16/08/2021 17:13

@Thesandmanishere the OP didn’t asked whether people thought she should leave her husband. She seems to really love her husband and would quite like to explore options of whether their marriage can survive. I know plenty of couples that don’t have children for various reasons. Believe it or not, some people actually care about the individual they married and genuinely want to spend their life with them. Not every man leaves to have kids with someone else. What a ridiculous statement.

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 17:18

Caffeinemonster

I'm not having a go at her husband, if he doesn't want kids that's his prerogative.

I'm saying IMO it would be an utter mistake to compromise on children. Having children is the one thing you should not compromise on for anything (i.e. if you don't want them you should not have them to please your partner and if you do want them you shouldn't not have them to please your partner).

I adore my husband but no way would I have compromised on that for him because I would have ended up resenting him. We would have been unhappy.

icedcoffees · 16/08/2021 17:21

If he doesn't want children and you do, please don't waste your fertile years with him. The resentment will break your marriage anyway.

DoingItMyself · 16/08/2021 17:22

OP, leave him and get babies. A man who doesn't love you enough to consider what you want and need just isn't good enough.

Also, I've seen more than one take the 'no children' line until wife is in her forties, when he takes off and has children with a younger woman.

Ivegotanewfridge · 16/08/2021 17:27

I would feel very upset and lied to if my DH who had never made clear he didnt want DC before marriage has decided it now

But it’s a life changer and people may change their minds based on the experiences they go through. Some people may lie at the outset but I suspect OP’s partner has grown to live the life they have.

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 17:30

A man who doesn't love you enough to consider what you want and need just isn't good enough.

In fairness, no one ought to have children just because their partner wants them. Terrible idea.

mynameisbrian · 16/08/2021 17:34

Ivegotanewfridge I know many couples who have chosen to have no kids, and I mean decided before getting married, were aligned in their thinking and clear. They have a lovely existence and have there 4 holidays a year and second homes. I am pleased for them but I dont know of any who changed their mind following marriage. As most people who are clear they want no kids no that from an early stage. They dont usually decide they dont fancy it after getting married especially when their partner has always wanted them. So I agree people can change their minds but with regards to kids I find that rare..

CatrinVennastin · 16/08/2021 17:40

My ex was like this. Still doesn’t have any kids and that’s fine. I really wanted to have a family so I left him.

Don’t hang around though. I had recurrent miscarriage which needed investigation so it took a lot longer to get and stay pregnant.

Mollymalone123 · 16/08/2021 17:45

I think the fact that you both agreed at the beginning that you wanted children but ‘not right now’ and then changing his mind completely-is really selfish-so he gets to put his needs first-which you are thinking of doing too
I can only say if it was my choice I would start out on my own again and have a child-whether with sperm donation -adoption or new partner in the future
This isn’t something to get over and you have had what was to be a joint decision made into his decision only
Good luck but I would be looking at my partner I a whole new light now

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 17:52

@DoingItMyself

OP, leave him and get babies. A man who doesn't love you enough to consider what you want and need just isn't good enough.

Also, I've seen more than one take the 'no children' line until wife is in her forties, when he takes off and has children with a younger woman.

That’s a really unpleasant post. He’s never indicted he would want kids, the opposite and thr op was good aith that. He shouldn’t have kids because the op wants them, just like a woman shouldn’t have kids just because her husband does.

And to suggest he will bin her and run off with a younger woman and have kids is really uncalled for.

nancybotwinbloom · 16/08/2021 17:55

I'd leave.

Sad last it will be. Having a baby is incomparable to anything for me.

It is hard at times and I was a single parent about two weeks after birth but I wouldnt change it.

lynsey91 · 16/08/2021 17:58

So many posters who know men who didn't want children but then left their wives and had children with another woman.

I don't know any men that have done that. I know plenty of men who didn't want children and are still happily married to their wives after 40, 50 or more years of marriage.

I also know 2 men who didn't want children but had them to keep their wives happy - both divorced now.

Apeirogon · 16/08/2021 18:02

This is so sad OP and it's hard to see a good outcome. Not having kids would have been a deal breaker for me but of course you need to make your own decision. Wishing you all the best.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/08/2021 18:02

Don't sacrifice your chance for children OP,you'll just end up resenting him.

He's messing you around. Look after yourself x

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