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Original poster

DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

164 replies

PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:14

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

OP posts:
BurlyShriggs · 16/08/2021 18:12

Leaving would be difficult but if you are already feeling sad seeing other people’s babies I don’t think you will be happily childless. You could ask if he would agree to some joint counselling to explore this together. Very best wishes, I feel so sad for you.

QueenHofScotland · 16/08/2021 18:14

@lynsey91

So many posters who know men who didn't want children but then left their wives and had children with another woman.

I don't know any men that have done that. I know plenty of men who didn't want children and are still happily married to their wives after 40, 50 or more years of marriage.

I also know 2 men who didn't want children but had them to keep their wives happy - both divorced now.

One of my best friends was with a guy for years - he was about 10 years older. Liked the single life. Messed her around - wouldn’t commit to a normal relationship. No proper dates etc. This went on for years. She loved him and was initially young enough for it not to matter. As time went on she realised that he wasn’t going to give her what she needed and she finally broke away and stopped contact. Within a few years he was married with 2 kids.

He was an older dad - he had the luxury of knowing that didn’t have to worry about his ticking biological clock.

I remember my friend finding out and feeling really sad that he wouldn’t change for her.

LordOfTheThings · 16/08/2021 18:20

@lynsey91 I'm not sure what you're getting at, don't you believe these posters? It's quite possible that people you know didn't always tell you why they parted ways so perhaps you do know people who were in that situation but they chose to keep their business private.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PamDenick · 16/08/2021 18:23

I don’t know what type of marriage ceremony you went through - civil or religious - but in some wedding ceremonies the promises made are to welcome children etc. Or some churches etc have pre- wedding counselling and possible number of children and division of duties etc is discussed. If he agreed to marry you with the thought of welcoming children and now had reneged on this promise it would be grounds for annulment in some churches. It is certainly dishonourable.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/08/2021 18:23

My friend split up with her partner when she found out he never wanted children. He then got together with someone and had a child.

Another friend thought her partner wanted to adopt, he changed his mind. They broke up and he got together with someone else and had children.

Don't compromise if its not what you want. As PPs point out the clock ticking just isn't an issue for the man.

The only person who can feel okay about it is you.

Don't fall into the trap of, I might as well stay, I don't want to be single and lonely.

Boatonthehorizon · 16/08/2021 18:35

It has to be said that youve nothing to lose by getting pregnant.
The reason you wont is why the younger women win. Because they are not above such maneuvers. Plenty of women do.

campion · 16/08/2021 18:40

Bluntness100

He’s never indicted he would want kids, the opposite and thr op was good aith that

From the OP's original post:

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time

Seems like he changed his mind, not that he never wanted them.

OP - he's got very cosy with his way of life and thinks you should be too. Maybe he lacks imagination.Your future together looks bleak as you will not 'get over' having your need for children taken away from you by him.

Haffdonga · 16/08/2021 18:42

In terms of me saying he was sad when I brought up potentially leaving. I mean he was sad I'd even brought it up, as if it had never occurred to him that it would be an outcome

This seems a pretty selfish approach on his part. He hasn't even thought about how it might affect you. Having children apparently means a lot more to you than not having children means to him.

DoingItMyself · 16/08/2021 18:54

@Bluntness100, no my post isn't unpleasant. I should have thought you, of all people, would know the difference.

DoingItMyself · 16/08/2021 18:57

@Thesandmanishere

A man who doesn't love you enough to consider what you want and need just isn't good enough.

In fairness, no one ought to have children just because their partner wants them. Terrible idea.

True, but if he loves her as his life partner, he should want her life to be fulfilled in the way she wants. Not 'OK, you can have a baby against my better judgement' but 'Yes, I'd love to raise a child with you because that matters to you.'
Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 19:02

True, but if he loves her as his life partner, he should want her life to be fulfilled in the way she wants. Not 'OK, you can have a baby against my better judgement' but 'Yes, I'd love to raise a child with you because that matters to you.

No, sorry, I'd never have a baby I didn't want because it would be fulfilling to my partner. Hardly fair on the baby, is it.

icedcoffees · 16/08/2021 19:12

True, but if he loves her as his life partner, he should want her life to be fulfilled in the way she wants. Not 'OK, you can have a baby against my better judgement' but 'Yes, I'd love to raise a child with you because that matters to you.'

Nonsense. Nobody should be coerced into having children they don't want.

Redwinestillfine · 16/08/2021 19:26

It sounds like it's a deal breaker for you and he broke the deal. Changing his mind on something so fundamental is not on.

MargosKaftan · 16/08/2021 19:34

I also know men who "didn't want kids" in their 20s and 30s, then did in their late 40s with younger woman.

DoingItMyself · 16/08/2021 19:34

No, you just have really low expectations of your life partners.

SunshineCake · 16/08/2021 19:47

My friend discovered in her late 20's that her dh didn't want kids. She is sixty now and will never forgive him. He regrets the choice too. I don't think any man is worth sacrificing having children for. I left my ex before dh as he didn't want marriage or kids and I did. This was a big deal for me as I was very insecure and craved a partner Sad. Within five years of meeting dh we were married and had our first child.

I'd leave. He isn't the only man you can love and I am certain he isn't worth missing out on children and maybe grandchildren for.

Thesandmanishere · 16/08/2021 19:48

No, you just have really low expectations of your life partners.

I'd say you have a pretty low expectation of your life partner if you think they would have a baby they didn't want to keep you happy Confused

Are you really advocating bringing an unwanted baby into the world?

SunshineCake · 16/08/2021 19:49

@PracticalTacticalBrilliance

Thank you all, lots to consider here. I did mention about leaving to him yesterday when we had a chat and he was very sad, but it's not something I've fully thought through.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Of course he was sad Hmm. What about your feelings??
Bonmonkhouse · 16/08/2021 19:54

I really feel for you OP, you did not see this coming from your conversations to date. I couldn't have stayed with my wonderful DH if he had not wanted children though. I made that pretty clear as I also didn't want to force anyone to want kids.

Immaculatemisconception · 16/08/2021 19:59

My friend wanted a baby, her DP did not. They split up and within a year he was expecting a baby with a new younger partner. She's now in her 40s and childless. She will never experience the joy of children or grandchildren.

Sakura7 · 16/08/2021 20:05

@DoingItMyself

No, you just have really low expectations of your life partners.
This is nuts.

Nobody should be expected to have a baby they don't want in order to keep a partner happy. That would be a terrible situation for all involved.

It's ok to not want kids. What's not ok is leading your partner on, as OP's husband has done.

OP you need to leave, it's the only way you're going to have children. Don't give up that chance for a man who has not been honest with you.

Aliceclara · 16/08/2021 20:08

You must very carefully consider this. One day you will wake up and you will be too old to have children; this experience will be forever out of reach.
Not everyone, male or female, wants to have a child, and that is absolutely their right. But you clearly do OP. I have two dc and the sadness I felt at reaching the end of my childbearing years still hit me, even though my family was complete. Please don't sacrifice your dreams.
Of course, not everyone is able to have a child either. It is a lottery, and nature can be cruel.
There is no given, but your feelings are valid and important, and only you can make sure they are heard.

knittingaddict · 16/08/2021 20:09

I would be furious if my husband had changed his mind like this and I would deal with it very badly. Sorry, that's not much help, is it.

We had the discussion before we got married. We agreed:

That we wanted children.

That we wanted a particular number of children.

When we would have children.

Apart from the number we did what we agreed. We had one less than we planned because I had high blood pressure while pregnant and didn't want to risk another. I also never got broody again. We had more than 1 child.

I cannot describe how betrayed I would feel to have my husband change his mind about ever having them. Of course people are allowed to change their minds, but it leaves the other person in an impossible dilemma. There are also possibly terrible consequences for the relationship. I'm not sure I could forgive.

As I said, not much help.

icedcoffees · 16/08/2021 20:17

@DoingItMyself

No, you just have really low expectations of your life partners.
lol, no.

Nobody should be forced to have a baby they don't want. How on earth is that fair on the child?

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 16/08/2021 20:23

@Boatonthehorizon

It has to be said that youve nothing to lose by getting pregnant. The reason you wont is why the younger women win. Because they are not above such maneuvers. Plenty of women do.
I don't want to agree with you bit mu observation agrees