Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

164 replies

PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:14

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 16/08/2021 13:52

Agree with other posters, he was high flying high salary. Other women are 10 years younger than him

Keepitonthedownlow · 16/08/2021 13:53

You need to leave Flowers

PrentonPark · 16/08/2021 13:54

@Mumsnut

I have thrice now seen friends who were with guys who 'didn't want children' / 'didn't believe in marriage' (or both) see out their fertile years with these men, only to be dumped in favour of a younger model, at which point their exes miraculously became married family men in very short order.

I would leave. Its hard though

@Mumsnut I could have written this.

It's like they meant 'I don't want to have children WITH YOU' or ' I didn't want to have children RIGHT THEN'.

It's such a cruel thing to do.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Mintjulia · 16/08/2021 13:54

Op I feel so sad for you but really there is only one option and that is to leave. You want different things from life and it's no good trying to convince yourself that you don't.
Do it now while you have time to rebuild.

InkieNecro · 16/08/2021 13:56

Adding to the anecdotes. My partners friend wanted children but his fiancée dithered for years and dragged it out over nearly two decades until she eventually said no. He was devastated but came to terms with it through counselling.

In the last month he has split up from her and admitted he was fooling himself by pretending he was OK with not having children.

My own partner wanted children and that played a part in breaking up with his ex partner who said they wanted them but went out of their way to avoid getting pregnant.

I also know of several men who didn't want children because they had such a perfect life. Then hit late 30's-mid 40's and left their partners and were immediately knocking up their new girlfriend while their partner was picking up the pieces.

You can't have children with your husband, he would only have them because he didn't want a divorce and not because he wanted them. You will both end up resentful. Him for ruining his child free life and you for doing all the childcare alone.

NeurologicallySpeaking · 16/08/2021 14:03

So sorry @PracticalTacticalBrilliance

I don't think this is something you will get over if you really want children. Different if you together find out you can't - then you can come to terms with that together. Knowing he is the one holding you back from what you really want just won't work I don't think.

RogueV · 16/08/2021 14:03

Leave him

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/08/2021 14:04

I’m not sure counselling would do much except extend the pain tbh.

Sally872 · 16/08/2021 14:08

It's sad because regardless of who has moved the goalposts it really does make you incompatible now. I don't think either of you can compromise. (Unless one of you is on the fence then maybe they could.)

DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2021 14:08

@PracticalTacticalBrilliance

Thank you all, lots to consider here. I did mention about leaving to him yesterday when we had a chat and he was very sad, but it's not something I've fully thought through.

I appreciate your thoughts.

So he'd be very sad if you left...ok what does that mean?

It means he values not having kids with you more than he values being married to you.

Yet in turn he's expecting you to be very sad about not having children yet remain married to him....

Can't you see how selfish he's being?

As I said in a pp if you'd got married on the understanding he didn't want children that's a different situation.

But he's dropped this bombshell and tbh I'm not sure I could get over that in and of itself.

AliceW89 · 16/08/2021 14:17

Such a rubbish situation for you OP. I really can’t see any other option here other than leaving him. At 34 you are still young enough to meet someone else and have a family - it’s not like if you left him now it’s too late anyway. I’m sure he will be sad his wife leaving him, but if he’s that adamant he doesn’t want children then that’s his bag to deal with, not yours.

CarolinaWeeper · 16/08/2021 14:24

Oh OP. The thing is, as others have said the terms of your relationship have now shifted anyway, whether you like it or not and regardless of who has changed their mind. You can't go back to being how it was before just the two of you because one of you now wants children and the other one doesn't. I would echo the PP that said not to ever give up your fertility for someone else if having a child is what you want.

Muma1992 · 16/08/2021 14:27

You are allowed to change your mind x

Chisandbiscuits · 16/08/2021 14:29

The thing is, this speaks of his love (or not) for you. My DH didn't want children and, when I was younger, neither did I. However, in my mid-thirties I dithered and changed my mind - the biological urge is so strong. At that point my DH would still have preferred not to have had children but he understood that that this made me very sad so he decided to have them anyway to make me happy and he did this wholeheartedly. I didn't actually get pregnant in the end but the fact he was prepared to do that means that I love him even more than I did and we are now happily living a child free life together. I was able to accept, and come to terms with, natural infertility in a way I wouldn't have been able to accept not having children because my DH didn't want them.

My advice would be that if you want children then find someone who wants them too because making such a huge sacrifice (ie being childless to keep a partner) is very risky for all the reasons people have listed above. Life is about taking risks to get the life you want. This is one of those times when you need to take a risk.

FreeBritnee · 16/08/2021 14:29

This happens mid thirties. It’s the biological clock chiming. I just don’t think it happens in the same way for men. He’ll maybe get to mid forties and have some sort of midlife crisis that might make him reevaluate, but by then your fertility will be gone.

MancMum2000 · 16/08/2021 14:31

You shouldn’t have to come to terms with it OP. Don’t let anyone else dictate whether or not you become a mother. You have time, I would be making plans to leave and find someone more compatible. Look into egg freezing to take the pressure off a bit. Good luck.

curiouscatgotkilled · 16/08/2021 14:34

I knew lady who didn't have children because her husband didn't want them. He died reasonably young and she had years and years on her own and said very often how she wished she had children. It all seemed very sad, she put his needs first then was left all alone with so many regrets.
My advice would be to end the relationship while you are young.

ittakes2 · 16/08/2021 14:35

I think you need to decide how much you want children and if you do than you need to leave him unfortunately otherwise you will resent him. I know plenty of people who have said I don't want children but if its a deal breaker I will have them because you want them - but your hubby has not said this.

Wombat64 · 16/08/2021 14:39

I dithered for years with an indecisive husband about kids. We've ended up childless but it's ok. He's not left me, we get on fine & much as I worried I'd resent him, it's ok. But we're very good friends & get on really well.

However, I would heed the advice in this thread. If he's not your absolute soulmate & you really want kids, make a different choice.

Original poster
PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 14:51

@Chisandbiscuits

The thing is, this speaks of his love (or not) for you. My DH didn't want children and, when I was younger, neither did I. However, in my mid-thirties I dithered and changed my mind - the biological urge is so strong. At that point my DH would still have preferred not to have had children but he understood that that this made me very sad so he decided to have them anyway to make me happy and he did this wholeheartedly. I didn't actually get pregnant in the end but the fact he was prepared to do that means that I love him even more than I did and we are now happily living a child free life together. I was able to accept, and come to terms with, natural infertility in a way I wouldn't have been able to accept not having children because my DH didn't want them.

My advice would be that if you want children then find someone who wants them too because making such a huge sacrifice (ie being childless to keep a partner) is very risky for all the reasons people have listed above. Life is about taking risks to get the life you want. This is one of those times when you need to take a risk.

I think we need to have a proper talk about it. Yesterday was very fraught and we didn't really talk through specifics - I think we just both got very sad very quickly. I don't know whether there's anything else to be said but I do want to discuss things further and properly with him before jumping to any decision that will have an even more massive effect on us.

In terms of me saying he was sad when I brought up potentially leaving. I mean he was sad I'd even brought it up, as if it had never occurred to him that it would be an outcome, not that he was sad and resigned to losing me instead of having children.

Anyway, I appreciate all your help and will have a proper think and talk through everything. I'm not wanting to give up on my marriage just yet but something has definitely shifted and whether we can come back from that is the main issue.

OP posts:
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 16/08/2021 14:55

At 34 time is of the essence.

Sit him down and spell it out to him that you married him on the basis that you wanted children. You still want children. If he has changed his mind he has fundamentally changed the basis of your relationship and you will have to re-evaluate whether you can stay with him. Make it very clear that you are seriously considering leaving so you can have children.

Give yourself a timescale to decide what you want.

You may find that actually he isn't so anti that he is prepared to end the marriage, that actually he likes the status quo rather than really not wanting kids at any cost.

If you really want children don't compromise. As you get older it will only become more difficult to deal with your feelings and your options will narrow rapidly.

You could leave him now and meet someone else who wants babies, or you could have a child alone but you don't have time to wait for him.

trumpisagit · 16/08/2021 14:58

Don't leave it too long.
Don't wait and see how you both feel next year, or the year after.
Your fertility is precious and if you want children you need to make a plan to make that happen.
As so many pp have said he doesn't have to worry, and can decide to have children, after all, in 10 years when it will be too late for you.

Terhou · 16/08/2021 14:59

His decision-making seems to involve only two options: either children or a future where the two of you carry on precisely as you have done in the past. It obviously never occurred to him that inevitably springing this on you would put in motion a third option, namely the two of you going your separate ways. I don't know whether that was just him being blinkered or an assumption by him that he could control you into keeping the current status quo, and it sounds like that in itself is something you need to explore.

Susannahmoody · 16/08/2021 15:00

Leave him, he's messing you around.

Antonia2021 · 16/08/2021 15:03

At the very least freeze your eggs ASAP