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Original poster

DH doesn't want children - are there any books I can read to help me come to terms with the situation

164 replies

PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 12:14

Hi,
After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

OP posts:
Fleek · 16/08/2021 13:02

Another one saying please think about leaving. I'm sure you do adore your husband but I wonder if you will 20 years down the line if you don't have a child. You could feel very resentful and hurt. It's a huge thing to sacrifice. I say that as someone who didn't have children because I didn't want to pass on a genetic condition - I've found that very difficult off and on for years even with having built a lovely life for myself. Organisations like Gateway Women are fantastic and life has lots to offer to women who don't go down the road of being mums, but it's also very painful to sit with longing for a baby and not having one. Especially if this isn't something that's been forced on you because of infertility or something.

PieceOfString · 16/08/2021 13:07

fridgedooropen makes a valid point. His wish that things should continue as they are can't happen unless your unfulfilled desire for the family you were expecting doesn't alter your outlook (not realistic). So the option he wants isn't really available unless you can successfully reconcile yourself to it, what will he be doing to support that process? Does he understand this is not just a wave of the hand and done? Does he understand what he's asking of you?

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 16/08/2021 13:08

@Mumsnut

I have thrice now seen friends who were with guys who 'didn't want children' / 'didn't believe in marriage' (or both) see out their fertile years with these men, only to be dumped in favour of a younger model, at which point their exes miraculously became married family men in very short order.

I would leave. Its hard though

I’ve seen this happen too and it’s amazing how quickly they go from ‘I like our relationship, we don’t need kids and a piece of paper. Our lives are going to be amazing and full of adventure’ to ‘I’m going to marry my 27 year old pregnant girlfriend’.

Both cases I’ve seen it was less than a year. One of them was staunchly childfree then had three in three years with his second wife.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Babynames2 · 16/08/2021 13:13

Another vote for don’t stay OP. It must be a really hard decision but I’ve also several times seen men claim they want to children only to leave a wife in their late 30s/early 40s for a woman 10 years younger and go on to have children. It’s okay for them, they haven’t got to consider fertility in the same way so can just change their minds at a later age.

And if you do decide to leave and he suddenly says he’s okay with a baby in 2 years or 5 years or whenever then don’t believe him, he will just keep moving the goalposts.

If you want a child then that feeling isn’t really going to go away.

DesperateForSun · 16/08/2021 13:16

I didn’t want kids, DP did. It was a dealbreaker for her and I loved her and wanted to be with her so we had kids.

sunflowersummer1 · 16/08/2021 13:17

in agreement with others. you need to leave if you want a family, i think you would regret it later otherwise

DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2021 13:18

@Fridgedooropen

First off, Flowers it is so hard.

we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way,

Thing is, that can't now be maintained because it now becomes 'just the two of us forever because he doesn't want kids'. It removes the sense of contentment with choosing to be a twosome. One of you hasn't chosen it. That will have an impact. You can't just sail on as you were.

I agree with posters saying seek counselling, but also asking if you are sure you want to give up on children. I have a lovely husband but I was lucky enough to have a child, and if I had to choose I would pick child over partner every time, acknowledging all the difficulties and losses of that.

I think it's important to highlight this post OP.

Your DH seems quite naive in terms of the lack of understanding that this decision will have on your relationship.

Just because he wants to maintain the status quo, doesn't mean circumstances haven't changed.

How can you possibly continue to have more "good years" with just the two of you when the expectations of what those years will entail are now very different?

Yes you had a good relationship because you were working on the basis that in time, the two of you would be become three/four.

Now you are in a relationship where a very fundamental agreement/understanding has been rescinded. One which arguably had you known in advance would have resulted in you making very different choices, including not marrying him at all.

He's not asking for things to continue as they are (even if he thinks he is).

He's asking you to commit to a very different marriage to the one which entered and that thus far enjoyed.

It's ok to say no to that.

Boatonthehorizon · 16/08/2021 13:19

So many men say this but then at 45 they split with there life long partner, 'find' a 25 year old who 'understands' them and quickly marry and have 2 or 3 small children. I personally know 7! men who've done this. I had to count them just now.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2021 13:20

I agree, there’s no book in the world which will make you not want your own children. Only you can adapt to that.

It’s a horrible position to be in but ultimately you need to decide what is more important, him or having your own kids and what ever choice you make can you live without resentment.

N4ish · 16/08/2021 13:25

I think resentment and bitterness towards him for the decision he’s made will gradually eat away at your relationship. You risk ending up without either a husband or a child.

PieceOfString · 16/08/2021 13:25

The trouble is there is no simple choice now. It isn't as simple as jumping ship and replacing him. Pp are right to urge you to not take it off the table, the stakes are high either way. You stay and you risk the regret of waiving your chance to be a mother and where your relationship will go, you leave and you risk the heartache of not meeting someone you could love and be a parent with. You need help considering your options for sure because it is much easier to accept the consequences of a decision when you know you couldn't have made a better one with what you knew at the time. Flowers

Original poster
PracticalTacticalBrilliance · 16/08/2021 13:32

@DesperateForSun

I didn’t want kids, DP did. It was a dealbreaker for her and I loved her and wanted to be with her so we had kids.
@DesperateForSun and was that the right choice for you?

I'm nearly 34, so you were all right about mid 30s. I just don't know whether it was me who misunderstood things & changed the goalposts. I had always thought we'd decided no children at that point but we'll discuss in a few years when things were settled. Neither of us wanted children at that point, so I don't know whether I'm being unfair to be so upset as I have changed my mind.

OP posts:
GingerBreadTeddy · 16/08/2021 13:37

Nearly 34…. Run like the wind OP

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 16/08/2021 13:38

No book is going to fix this for you. Please don't give up your chance to have children for this man. Your heartbreak is telling you something, listen to it.

I say that as someone who doesn't want children. I would never have them to please someone else, and you shouldn't not have them just to keep this guy.

Your relationship will not be the same, you will end up resenting him if you don't have them, or he will give in and have a child, and then blame you for everything... 'I didn't want one anyway'.

You had a great marriage but are now incompatible. Find the strength to move on and give yourself the chance to meet someone else.

Try to imagine 10 or 20 years down the line, your marriage ends for other reasons, and you gave up your chance to have children. Many, many women go through this. No man is worth giving up children for if you really want them.

Dozer · 16/08/2021 13:40

Wouldn’t spend ANY more of your time with a man who doesn’t want DC.

He will v likely have the option to have DC when he’s much older with a younger partner: you v likely won’t.

Parsley1789 · 16/08/2021 13:42

Agree with other posters, I’m afraid you need to leave. Because if you do stay, these good years you’ve had won’t just keep happening. You’ll be increasingly resentful and sad.
You might not find someone else when you leave him, but you are far more likely to find someone who would like children by leaving him than by staying with him.
I’m so sorry OP. It’s nothing to feel guilty about. I think you have to leave, for your own sake.

jozipozi31 · 16/08/2021 13:43

No book, nothing, will help you to accept forced infertility.

If you stay with him, you will grow to hate him.

I'm sorry but your life paths now split.

Leave him snd find someone on the same page.

Giving up having children is too much to ask of you.

It would ruin your life as you want them.

LittleRedPill · 16/08/2021 13:45

Friends of my parents: many years together, no children. Didn’t have any because he wasn’t keen. She loved him so much that she decided she’d rather be with him and have no kids than leave him and try to find someone else who did. When they were both in their late 40s he left her for someone else and had twins with her less than a year later.

My parents friend was devastated. There was lots of bitterness that she had given up her chance to have children for him and when he hit middle age he basically traded her in for someone fertile. Because she is a fabulous, dynamic woman she has made the best of it and has a full life. But she is very clear in her advice to other women - if you want a child, don’t ever, ever sacrifice your precious fertility for a man.

Artdecolover · 16/08/2021 13:47

So your H can leave you in 10 years and still father a child/ren with someone younger?

I don't know how many times I've seen this ^ play out.

Get your eggs frozen ASAP and move on to someone who shares your dreams for your future.

Good luck x

Galassia · 16/08/2021 13:48

@Mumsnut

I have thrice now seen friends who were with guys who 'didn't want children' / 'didn't believe in marriage' (or both) see out their fertile years with these men, only to be dumped in favour of a younger model, at which point their exes miraculously became married family men in very short order.

I would leave. Its hard though

This times a hundred! I have seen this situation many times especially in the financial sector where husbands have been workaholics but enjoyed the high life at the expense of having children only to split with their wives in their 40s leaving them childless whilst they get with a much younger new wife and start a family.
justasking111 · 16/08/2021 13:50

@Artdecolover

So your H can leave you in 10 years and still father a child/ren with someone younger?

I don't know how many times I've seen this ^ play out.

Get your eggs frozen ASAP and move on to someone who shares your dreams for your future.

Good luck x

I've seen it too older man wanting to hang onto young partner easiest way get her pregnant
Artdecolover · 16/08/2021 13:50

@justasking111 yep :(

Feelingoktoday · 16/08/2021 13:51

My male cousin didn’t want children. Had an affair in his late 30s, left his wife. Now has four children with two women. My cousin’s ex wife never got the chance to have children.

GettingItOutThere · 16/08/2021 13:52

I would leave OP, you are 34 you have time. Your DH could leave you in 5 years and get someone else pregnant. His window is huge, yours is not.

Leave while you have time to have a child or 3, you will resent him and your marriage will fall apart anyhow.

justasking111 · 16/08/2021 13:52

@PracticalTacticalBrilliance

Hi, After a fairly fraught weekend, I really think that my DH isn't going to budge on not wanting children, which is really devastated me in a way I wasn't expecting.

We both wanted them when we were first together, but he worked away a lot and we decided it wasn't the right time. Then we had lots of good years just the two of us and he wants to keep it that way, whereas I now feel that we're in the perfect place to have a child. I think both of our concerns are valid but I think I need to be able to deal with the crushing sadness which is now overwhelming me.

I was getting to the point where it was hard to see babies belonging to friends and family members, so can imagine it's only going to get worse unless I do something about it. I adore my husband, but just not sure what to do.

Could anyone recommend any books I could read that might help me through this?
thank you

You maybe the practice wife when he part exchange you for a younger model she will get the kids. Sorry honey