Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 16/08/2021 09:58

Your son needs you

Ditch the husband, he sounds horrible

SprayedWithDettol · 16/08/2021 09:58

I’d get rid of the husband. Flippant, i know, but your son is vulnerable and needs stability - which you can give him. If your husband can’t see that then he is a bastard.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 09:58

What are your DHs reasons for not wanting to have DS with you?

Sounds like he rightly needs your support right now & unless there’s a backstory about why DH is being so unwelcoming I think you’re completely right to support you DS.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 16/08/2021 10:00

I hope your husband relents on this, OP. Your son should not be living with a manipulative drunk. Good luck.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/08/2021 10:00

You need to be very clear to your husband that your ds comes first, and he will be moving back in with you. He can be supportive and welcoming, or he can leave. You don’t need to over explain or justify your decision, your son is your son and that’s that.

GetTaeFuck · 16/08/2021 10:00

DH can fuck off

SweatyBetty20 · 16/08/2021 10:00

Your son needs to come home. And I say that as someone who's with a partner who has "challenging" teenagers. It needs to be presented to your husband as a fait accomplit.

Ihaveoflate · 16/08/2021 10:00

I'd struggle to continue in the marriage in this situation, whether or not your son comes to live with you. Your husband has shown his true colours now - that can't easily be undone.

SundaySheAteChocolate · 16/08/2021 10:01

Get rid of the husband but make sure your DS doesn't feel responsible. I think husband has show hus true colours.

titchy · 16/08/2021 10:01

Tell your husband your son is moving back, and if he isn't prepared to be supportive and pleasant he can move out. If that happens then simply tell your ds that you and your dh have been having problems for a while and decided to separate.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:02

I couldn't agree more. He has a daughter and is always telling her that if she ever wanted to move in with us (she is 18) then she can but when it's my DS that needs help he makes things difficult.

We have a two bedroom house. We have not slept in the same room for the last 18 months due to DH snoring (which is very loud) and so his argument is that we don't have room for DS. DH slept with me last night but then got up and slept downstairs. I got an arsey text from him this morning saying that he only got three hours sleep.

OP posts:
PreacherTeacher · 16/08/2021 10:02

Sorry OP but you already know the answer.

Best wishes x

titchy · 16/08/2021 10:02

Good for you btw. There's always loads of MN posts where the mother doesn't want to get rid of the husband even though he treats the kids like shit. It's a nice change to have someone post that they will get rid of husband if necessary Smile

Foobydoo · 16/08/2021 10:03

You need to give your husband an ultimatum. Accept your son, who is technically a child and is your responsibility is moving back home or move out.
I could understand your husband being annoyed if your son was 27 but he is 16 and needs you.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 16/08/2021 10:03

Have your DH and your DS ever lived in the same household or did you and your DH meet/move in together after DS left for his dad's?

ClemDanFango · 16/08/2021 10:06

You have an incredibly shit husband. His adult daughter can stay but not your son who is a child? Tell him to get to fuck.

romdowa · 16/08/2021 10:06

Put your son first 100%. I'd be telling my husband that if he goes then there will be plenty room for your son.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 10:06

DH slept with me last night but then got up and slept downstairs. I got an arsey text from him this morning saying that he only got three hours sleep.

Tell him to find somewhere else to sleep then, his double standards over his daughter would push me over the edge.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:06

I don't want DS to feel that he is unwanted and goes back to his dad's because he doesn't want to cause me any stress. My job is to look after DS. DS went through a period of self harming and depression and behaved badly at school. I was always getting phone calls about him when he was at school and eventually he moved in with his dad. He said this was because he didn't want to cause me any more stress. When he was diagnosed with autism both of the clinical psychologists said he just couldn't cope with school and that he had masked during primary school but couldn't do this when he went to secondary school.

Now he is no longer at school he feels much calmer and he has really turned things around. The change in him is lovely to see.

OP posts:
Foobydoo · 16/08/2021 10:07

Did he get up and sleep downstairs because you were complaining? Or have you both got used to sleeping apart?
This is something you both need to work on.
My dh snores loudly, we dont have the luxury of a spare room so we have to get on with it.
Disrupted sleeping will make everyone grumpy.

LammasFires · 16/08/2021 10:07

Is the house rented or owned?
Make your husband understand that you are absolutely serious about DS coming first.
I’d be looking to sort out accommodation for you and DS.
Presumably the husband is a fairly recent acquisition if DS only moved out 3 years ago, and I’m pleased your priorities are so clear.

LammasFires · 16/08/2021 10:08

@titchy

Good for you btw. There's always loads of MN posts where the mother doesn't want to get rid of the husband even though he treats the kids like shit. It's a nice change to have someone post that they will get rid of husband if necessary Smile
This
brittleheadgirl · 16/08/2021 10:09

Don't choose your 'dh' over your ds.
You'll leave to regret it!
You have a wonderful opportunity to build a better and lasting relationship with your ds and as a bonus get rid of your frankly horrible sounding husband!

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:10

Yes DS lived with me and DH from when he was around nine or ten.

I think DH has just got used to having his own way and having me to himself most of the time.

If he doesn't like it then he can leave. I feel very strongly about this. However what I don't want is for DS to feel like it's all his fault because it isn't. And I can see him going back to his dad's so as not to cause issues for me. Which I also do not want to happen.

OP posts:
cissacassidy · 16/08/2021 10:10

You can make your son feel welcome by kicking out your horrible, manipulative husband. I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, but you are right, your ds (who is still a child) deserves a safe place to live.