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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
MrsPumpkinSeed · 16/08/2021 11:51

You are a good mum and your ds sounds like a great young man to do that he is doing. What a credit to him. He is your priority.

On a practical level can you ring the Housing Association for clarity regarding getting dh out?

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 11:54

converseandjeans - DS was always a well behaved child. I never had any issues with his behaviour until he went to secondary school. He was quiet and really sensible. Because DS is my only child I didn't pick up on traits that, looking back now, suggested he had autism. It just didn't register. When he went to secondary school it was like a bomb going off. He was written off as "naughty" and badly behaved. No one ever suggested that there might be undiagnosed ASD but I knew that there was something behind the behaviour. You know your own child at the end of the day. So even after DS had moved out I nagged and nagged and nagged until he had a hospital appointment.

DH's daughter has always been well behaved, the clever one, the one that would go on to university. She's a lovely girl and I don't begrudge her anything. But sometimes it did feel like my son was the poor relation in comparison, because he was badly behaved and not doing well in school. I really don't think DH will ever be on board with having DS living with us full time and I don't want DS living in an atmosphere where he feels unwanted.

OP posts:
PoppyDotx · 16/08/2021 11:54

Son > husband, obviously!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Jasmine11 · 16/08/2021 11:57

OP this is such a difficult situation for you, but I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read about a situation where the parent is 100% sure that putting their child above their partner is the only way forward. I hope your husband is able to self-reflect on this situation and come to the right decision - especially as he says his daughter can move in if she wanted to. Your son is lucky to have a mum who has his back as much as you do :)

Pollymollydolly · 16/08/2021 12:01

Do not give up your home - it is an assured tenancy in your sole name! You are doing the right thing, your son needs you and you are prioritizing him.

It sounds like a very difficult situation however it is not of your making and the only person who has a choice here is your husband. He can choose not to be a dick and to welcome your son home. Or he can continue to be a dick and find himself single and homeless.

I know if he makes the choice to continue being a dick it will be very sad for you as you love him and wouldn’t choose to end the relationship. You are clearly a strong woman and a great mum Flowers

whynotwhatknot · 16/08/2021 12:02

You sound great op and a lovely mum-i dont know the legal position but assume because you dont own you can ask H to leave

MsSquiz · 16/08/2021 12:06

Your husband is right, there is no room for him. Him being your husband!

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:07

I really don't know what the legal position is with regard to the house.

If I give notice then obviously me and DS would move out. I assume that if DH stayed there then the housing association could evict him, on the basis that he is not a tenant? But I don't know the answer to this. My housing association has been really difficult to get hold of recently but I am going to get in touch with my housing officer to see what his advice is. I haven't seen my housing officer since my tenancy converted to an assured tenancy so hopefully he won't be too difficult to speak to!

OP posts:
Kiduknot · 16/08/2021 12:08

It’s lovely to hear you are backing your son. At the end of the day, it’s your dh’s choice whether the marriage ends or not. The ball is in his court.

SamiReed1 · 16/08/2021 12:10

Your husband sounds like a jealous bastard who doesn't want to share you. Your son is still a CHILD. He needs to be with his mother, even at 16. Also, if your husband snores, that's his problem to sort out. There are plenty of treatments, and even an operation. Snoring is completely overcomeable, I bet he hasn't even tried to do anything about it. So his only getting 3 hours sleep is HIS fault. And what would he had done if his daughter moved in? He'd still only get 3 hours sleep on the couch.

Get of rid of your husband, he loves you, he accepts your son. Or leaves. There can never be any compromise on that. Your son truly needs you.

mushroom3 · 16/08/2021 12:12

as the tenancy is in your name, it's up to your DH to move out not you. DO not move out. You should put your so first under the circumstances, he is still a minor, an apprenticeship is training.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2021 12:12

Try and contact someone ASAP so you know what the situation is but as you’re the named tenant it sounds like he just has to move out.

The CAB may be able to advise.

Your husband has obviously been unfair and resentful for a while so this has brought things to a head.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 12:12

Some questions:

Do you feel that your relationship had broken down before the crisis for your son? Or is this a sticky patch that with a lot of negotiation and counselling could improve? Heavy talks about money are coming up whichever way you jump - so maybe go for those now anyway, rather than putting up and shutting up.

Are you propping up the marriage financially?

Did you look after DSD in your home for any extended periods? (months, years, say with you doing all the wife work?) Did DH do any dad work with your DS in the early years?

Did DH seek medical help for the snoring? Have you tried earplugs?

Have you considered 'living apart together (LAT)' - lots of advice on this in the StepParenting forum. It sounds like either DH or son could be housed 2 doors down, as it were - and come together as a family for meals etc, but not for much down time in front of the TV or for sleeping.

Greystray · 16/08/2021 12:13

You'll probably find it a lot easier to move the DH out than to find another house to rent at this time. Does your DH have anyone he can move in with?

Perhaps you can give it one last try. See your DH away from the home. Tell him that your DS deserves and will have all of your support, and that if he can't get on board with that he is free to leave. But make it clear you won't tolerate your son being made to feel uncomfortable in his mother's home. Then I would speak to DS and tell him how welcome he is. And tell him too that any passive-aggressive behaviour from DH will not be tolerated and that he should tell you if he is being made to feel unwelcome.

Maybe once your DH knows he can't sulk you out of reversing this decision he will get over it. If not, you already know who you should choose. Make sure your DH understands that too.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 12:13

Your DS counts as a vulnerable adult so the pair of you need to stay put. You need a 2 bed place your DH doesn't.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 12:18

In fact he's still technically a child!

ArcheryAnnie · 16/08/2021 12:20

Nothing to add to the advice and support here, except to say bloody well done, OP, for having your priorities straight.

OhWhyNot · 16/08/2021 12:22

I think you know the answer

And wanted others to confirm what you already know and some support. Best of luck you and yours ds will be fine

oldstudentmum · 16/08/2021 12:23

I live in a council house and it’s in my sole name as your husband is not the tenant he has no rights to your home. For example if you requested him to leave and he didn’t the police could remove him as he is not the tenant.

Chocrock · 16/08/2021 12:24

Your son needs you and it sounds like you know what you need to do to be there for him.

If the tenancy is in your name then your partner must move out, the law is on your side.
Your son is lucky to have you as a mum, good luck.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:27

SpaceshiptoMars - the relationship between me and DH is fine as long as I don't rock the boat. In other words we get on perfectly until I am not happy about something and then he either sulks for days on end or starts shouting at me until I back down. The shouting is usually followed up with a week of silence. This happens about twice a year. So I have been having vague thoughts about ending the relationship before now.

No, he earns more than me.

We have never had DSD living with us. She lives with her mum. When the kids were younger it was easier. There is about two years between them so DS used to stay at his dad's every other weekend and DSD came and stayed the weekend DS was at his dad's but she also came a few times a week for dinner. We went on family holidays etc. When DS moved out she was 15 and she carried on staying every other weekend until she was about 16, when she decided she would prefer to stay in her own bed. So she comes now for dinner a few times a week and to watch football with her dad. They both support the same team. We only live about half a mile from DSD anyway so it has always been an informal arrangement, ie she comes when she wants to come.

He has refused point blank to do anything about the snoring.

I think if he moves out of the house then the marriage will be over. I don't think he would agree to carrying on if we don't live in the same house.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 16/08/2021 12:28

I am very sorry about your situation it is difficult your DS needs to be housed but I can understand that it cramps the space somewhat, I am not sure you can force anyone out of a marital home regardless of whose name it is in ( unless there is a court order due to violence or the threat of it but that doesn't appear to be the case here) but you would need legal advise being married makes a difference if you were not you could kick him out
it may mean you need a 3 bed house as one person being on sofa whoever it is is not sustainable long term

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:29

I have rang my HA and I am waiting for my housing officer to ring me. So fingers crossed! I need to know where I stand legally if he refuses to move out (assuming it comes to that).

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 16/08/2021 12:32

Good to hear your son has turned things around, it's really hard for young teens with mental health issues, there is very little help and school treats them like a massive inconvenience. Often much healthier for them to home school.
I am on my own, but if l had a husband who refused for my son to come back home it would really put me off him and the relationship would be over.
I don't think many men are good at raising other people's kids, that's why l choose to stay as l am.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:33

TeacupDrama - I think you might be right about that. If he refuses to move out then I don't think I can force him to. Which is not good news. He earns enough to rent somewhere else but he is bloody minded enough not to want to do that. Which leaves me the option of moving out myself and giving notice on the house. He wouldn't get the tenancy anyway so he would have to leave eventually. If we were not married then I could just ask him to leave.

OP posts: