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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Steakandcheeseplease · 16/08/2021 11:07

OP, I think you've already made your mind up. And well done.

A young girl who works with me (17) tells me all the time her step dad is awful to her. He really is a bully, he locked her bedroom windows shut so she couldn't open them as she once forgot to close them when they went out , so she went to sleep in the living room as it was unbearably hot in those few weeks of hot weather. He then banned her from sleeping in the living room as he had no where to sit when he got up for work at 6am to have his morning coffee..

I know her mother and I can't believe she lets him to it. She argues with him all the time about it and threatens him that she will kick him out but she doesn't. He too has a dd who is treated like a celebrity when she visits.

There are times when all people in the family need to be considered but when the step parent is being openly hostile, the SP needs to go - especially in your sons case.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 11:10

DS says he didn't leave because of DH but obviously he might not be telling the whole truth about that. DH bends over backwards for his daughter, as he should. It's hard to put your finger on but there is sense from him that I shouldn't do the same for my child. For example DS's dad has not bought him any clothes during the time he has been living there. I pay for all of his clothes, deodorant, shampoo, face wash, his phone etc. During lockdown I started paying for him to have Xbox Live so he wasn't too bored (this was all prior to him getting his apprenticeship). Now he is earning money himself I still pay for his phone and the odd bits of clothing but he no longer gets pocket money as he has more disposable income than I do and he needs to learn how to save and budget.

DH makes small digs about me "not spending all of my money on DS". He gives his daughter a monthly allowance, pays for her clothes, driving lessons, he has signed a guarantor form for her student accommodation when she starts uni in September. All normal stuff but for some reason he doesn't like me spending money on DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 11:13

And yes, I have made my mind up. I made my mind up yesterday when my DS text me asking if he could come home. If DH has an issue with this then he knows where the door is. The only thing I have a worry about is DS feeling that it is all his fault.

OP posts:

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Ilady · 16/08/2021 11:13

From what you said about your son he was going through a bad time because of his undiagnosed asd. He was finding school hard but since leaving school he is now doing a apprenticeship. He doing well in this and has friends also. The situation with his father is horrible. He watching him drunk, looking horrible, the place is not clean and their eating habits of living of microwave meals is not good for either of them.
Your son needs to move in with you as he needs some support now and you don't want him going backwards or starting to drink with his father. If your husband can't accept this he can move out.
I have seen woman putting their husbands/partners before their kids and it never ends well. Then the same woman wonder when they are older and need some extra help or care why their adult kids won't drop all for them.

beigebrownblue · 16/08/2021 11:14

I am with other posters. My DD is just about to turn sixteen.
Young people of this age group have had the most horrendous few years with the pandemic and pressures of home schooling etc.

I am also glad your priorities are clear. As challenging as this situation is, your DH is showing his true colours. Young people need compassion and understanding at this point and if you didn't put your DS first I'm sure you would always regret it.

Good luck.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 11:14

Your H is being unbelievable.

One rule for his DD and one rule for your DS.

You can explain to DS that there were already issues and part of it is the unfair treatment between him and his step-sister.

TeeBee · 16/08/2021 11:15

Okay, even if your DS had not come home, your DH sounds like a twat. I'd give him one ultimatum that he either welcomes your child unreservedly with no sly digs or strip Ines's or he's out with immediate effect. Then it's up to him how he chooses to behave. Sounds like the whole situation will have done you a favour if it prompts you get rid of him. He sounds vile and I wouldn't entertain a bloke for one minute who didn't accept that my child will always come before him. Heck, my children come before me.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 11:16

You're doing the right thing. Your husband is selfish and a massive hypocrite - it's OK for him to prioritise his DD but you can't do the same for your DS, how can he possibly justify that?

And he needs to be the one to leave. Your tenancy, your family - he will be a single adult male and he can fend for himself. I am so sorry he has shown his true colours like this.

TeeBee · 16/08/2021 11:16

I'd definitely tell your son that your DH has been showing his true colours for a while and this has given you a golden opportunity to move forward without him and that the whole situation has done you a massive favour.

ArrrMeHearties · 16/08/2021 11:19

Your dh is allowed to be a parent to his dd but your not allowed to be a parent to your ds? Nah sod that, dh would be offski I'm afraid. Yes your ds has had struggles in the past but he has overcame those and sounds like he's really got his stuff together now. Your dh should be mightily proud of him not bringing him down

Gilmorehill · 16/08/2021 11:23

If your dh truly loved you, he would not treat your ds like that. Your ds comes first.

FatAnkles · 16/08/2021 11:24

You've made the right decision Flowers. Good luck to you and your son

UnfinishedBunting · 16/08/2021 11:26

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones, you sound brilliant - really strong, and looking out for your son. I guess you'll just have to have an honest conversation with your partner and see what he says. I didn't understand the bit about the house - whose name is on the rental agreement?

FirstTimeMommy2021 · 16/08/2021 11:27

Your son should always come first. No question about it.

End of

LatteLady · 16/08/2021 11:27

OP, I just wanted to say, you sound like a lovely mother. I think you should give your husband an ultimatum to either shape up or ship up. You do not leave the home, your name is on the tenancy, he leaves.

beastlyslumber · 16/08/2021 11:28

You can tell your son that you've seen a side to your H that you find ugly and that's why he's moving out. Explain that this would be the case even if your son wasn't there. You wouldn't stay with him now, would you, having clearly seen the disrespect and unkindness in him? So tell your son that, and I'm sure he'll be reassured. It sounds like it will do him a world of good to be home with you, OP.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/08/2021 11:30

I think you can thank your son for showing you what a dick your ‘DH’ is.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 11:32

He gives his daughter a monthly allowance, pays for her clothes, driving lessons, he has signed a guarantor form for her student accommodation when she starts uni in September. All normal stuff but for some reason he doesn't like me spending money on DS.

I get the feeling he's only ever been a part time dad and doesn't like the fact that your DS chose to live with his own dad full time, so goes overkill on his daughter and resents your son.

Triffid1 · 16/08/2021 11:33

You are doing th right thing. My only question is whether you could all move to a slightly bigger house. But... it does sound like the two bedroom issue might just be an excuse from your H and that really, you could live in a mansion and he's still have issues with your DS.

We have a young man in our extended family who was in a similar situation and unfortunately, his options were very limited. He has pulled himself and his life together now, by moving away but the truth is that he had a very very tough few years. We didn't live anywhere near so couldn't help much and it was heartbreaking to watch from a distance. You have the option to be there for your DS.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/08/2021 11:35

I think your husband has a cheek, actually.

He's happy for your home to be taken over by his daughter, should she need it, but won't allow your son houseroom? And yet the house is in your sole name...

I don't know who he thinks he is, but he clearly thinks he's More Important than you - which he really isn't.

The 2 bedroom situation is awkward - I hear you that there's no room out the back for a cabin, but would you maybe have room out the front for a camper van or similar? Would you consider having a sofabed downstairs for one or other of you to sleep on regularly?

I mean, in reality it's only likely to be for a few years - not forever - but your son needs you NOW and so your husband needs to know that he has JUST as much right (if not more, given the tenancy situation) to be in the house as his daughter would.

Hope your husband either sees sense or fucks off.

ilovebrie8 · 16/08/2021 11:37

Well done OP 100% the right thing to do, your other half sounds like he'd always have an issue...get rid!

BrilliantBetty · 16/08/2021 11:37

assured tenancy

This changes things slightly. Is this a council property / housing association?
If so you really don't want to lose it.

You're married so things may be more complicated than 'kick him out' if he won't leave. It might be good to speak to a solicitor.

converseandjeans · 16/08/2021 11:38

How was DS when you moved your husband in? Do you think there's a link between his anxiety and you getting remarried?

Absolutely stick by DS. He sounds like he's really settled with an apprenticeship & able to look after himself. Don't send him back to his Dad.

Also it's normal to help your children out. Your DH sounds jealous of DS which isn't a nice trait.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 11:45

Yes, it a housing association house and it's in my sole name. We are married (I had the house prior to the marriage) so I think that complicates matters. I don't really want to give up my house but if it comes to that then I will. I just want DS to have a stable home. I think even if we rented somewhere bigger DH would be difficult about DS living there.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2021 11:50

I'd struggle if any of my adult children moved back in. However, I'd still do it in a heartbeat. Based on your son's circumstances I'd be going to his Dad's and helping him pack. I don't think you can say no, even if it means splitting up with your husband.