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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Choccyaddict4eva · 16/08/2021 10:44

Your DH needs to accept the situation and your son or he needs to go. Your son is still a child and needs you. I think you know what you must do. Good luck OP x

saraclara · 16/08/2021 10:44

He has a daughter and is always telling her that if she ever wanted to move in with us (she is 18) then she can but when it's my DS that needs help he makes things difficult

So she can move into the house that's in your name, but your own son can't?

You need to go out to somewhere neutral with your DH and discuss all this away from your son. Lay it on the line.

And if you have to throw DH out, as far as your son's concerned you have been having problems for ages and this was going to happen anyway.

FleasInMyKnees · 16/08/2021 10:45

If your husband is so against this then maybe he would be happier if he moves out, you can afford the house on your own and it's in your sole name.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Comefromaway · 16/08/2021 10:47

You already know the answer. Your child comes first.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:47

I didn't want DS to move out. He had gone to his dad's for an overnight stay and never came home. I was devastated at the time but I thought that maybe his dad would step up. I think things were ok for a while because my DS was all over the place at the time and he wasn't bothered about eating proper food and having clean clothes etc.

Now that DS is much better he has started washing again and likes smelling nice and wearing clean and ironed clothes. He also likes cooking from scratch and eating more healthily, so the fact that his dad is buying microwave meals for them both is starting to get him down as well.

OP posts:
Livpool · 16/08/2021 10:48

Your husband sounds selfish and very uncaring. Your poor DS is in a potentially dangerous situation and I would have him home in heartbeat.

You can always find a new husband (if you want to!)

AlmostSummer21 · 16/08/2021 10:48

While your DS has been living at his Dads, has he not been visiting/staying with you, at all?

I would have just text back something like 'Shame you didn't get much sleep, you need to show 'cat' where you are sleeping tonight so she can find you. When you get home, can you please move your stuff out of the spare room as DS is staying permanently. The atmosphere last night was awful, let's not have a repeat of that tonight'

I hope DS doesn't end up feeling responsible for your DH'a attitude/leaving, but he's older now, just tell him you and DH were having problems & this was going to happen soon anyway. Thst you live him (DS) & can't wait to have him living there again.

SoupDragon · 16/08/2021 10:49

The first thing is to sit your DH down and tell him that your DS will be living with you and you need to sort out how it will work. Then "Either he steps up or fucks off"

Etinox · 16/08/2021 10:50

House in your name? Looks like ‘D’H has made himself homeless, then.
👏🏻 @StPaulandTheBrokenBones. You and DS will settle into a nice pattern. He’ll be appreciative of your presence and looking after him.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:51

I don't want DS living by himself. He isn't old enough in my view and he also needs support emotionally as well as practically. He told me last night that his girlfriend and his friends have been nagging him for ages to move back in with me because of how his dad is. But he didn't want to leave his dad because he feels guilty about leaving him on his own and he worries about him. It's a bloody mess.

However my H can fuck right off if he thinks I am going to send my son back to his father. That is not happening. And yes I do love DH but I love DS as well and he is a child, my child, who needs me more than he does.

OP posts:
PopsicleHustler · 16/08/2021 10:51

100 percent protect your boy and give him a loving stable home.

Time to give your husband the boot

Do you have any other children?

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 10:52

The tenancy is in your name only, I'd tell your DH to leave if he doesn't like it. It's not like he can force you to leave the house. Make sure all bills etc are in your name as well, if they aren't already, & change any passwords. I'd change the locks also once he's gone, & give your LL a copy of the new key. It's a shame your husband isn't prepared to support your child the way he expects you to support his.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/08/2021 10:52

You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Putting your child first. It is wonderful to read! Every parent should be like you.

blahblahblah321 · 16/08/2021 10:54

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Putting your child first. It is wonderful to read! Every parent should be like you.
Exactly!
RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 10:54

Your poor sonm feeling guilty about the state his father is in, at his age, & he's no doubt aware that your DH doesn't want him at your house either. He needs your support.

Empressofthemundane · 16/08/2021 10:55

I think you are right to put your son first. He’s nearly grown up, but not quite. Your love and support as he steps up into adulthood will make a lasting difference to the rest of his life.

If your husband is cruel to your child, you may find yourself falling out of love with him.

thisplaceisapigsty · 16/08/2021 10:55

I have to say, this is very refreshing to read - someone who is prepared to put their ds before their dh. It's hard to do it, I'm sure, but well done. Your ds needs you.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/08/2021 10:57

It sounds like he has made phenomenal progress and what he really needs right now is you. I'd be worried about his progress going backwards if he feels unwanted. Or that he moves out before he is ready.

I can understand to an extent he might not relate to him, but your DP is the adult with a lot more life experience.

I think you just have to be honest, this is how it is, you make the effort or go. Don't dilly dally.

BowtieBling · 16/08/2021 10:58

At your son's age my DM chose her husband over me and my siblings.
Our relationship has been ok over the years but it hurts a lot. I've never gotten over the feeling of rejection and cannot stand to her around her husband much.
To be knowingly pushed aside as a teenager by your parent in favour of a lover is devastating.

Hemingwaycat · 16/08/2021 10:59

If a man made me choose between him and my child, I’d show him the door immediately. Ditch the nasty husband and support your son, it’s a no brainer really.

mynameisbrian · 16/08/2021 11:02

The fact your DH has told his DD she can move back in at any point, but your DS isnt welcome. I do wonder if your DS moved out because of your DH not just that his father let him away with things.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 11:02

AlmostSummer21 - This is perfect wording, thank you!

Yes DS see each other a few times a week, he comes to my house for dinners etc and we go out for lunch as well and text during the day. We are very close and have become much closer over the last year or so.

I am happy to give notice on my house and find somewhere else for me and DS to live but my house is an assured tenancy so obviously private rental is less secure for us. Ideally DH would move out. I am not thrilled that DH has reacted in this way but it is what it is. And he has chosen to act in this way and effectively force me to choose between him and my son. There is no choice because it is my son every time.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 16/08/2021 11:03

Absolutely choose your child 💐

Nixandwotsit · 16/08/2021 11:07

You don't sound that worried about the possibility of splitting with your DH and that says it all really doesn't it? It sounds as if you and DS will be very happy without him.

Auntienumber8 · 16/08/2021 11:07

Do not give notice, have zero guilt about ending your marriage, book to see a solicitor and keep your DS with you. Good luck.