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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2021 12:36

So, this is a marriage in need of vast amounts of intervention and mediation anyway. On top of that you need an extra bedroom for your son. Unless the HA can move you all to a 3 bed, and DH agrees to family counselling, it doesn't look promising....

NoProblem123 · 16/08/2021 12:36

Your child comes first, second & third.

You know this and sound like a lovely mum.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:40

Moonface123 - I couldn't agree more. School did not help at all, they thought he was just a bad kid. He told the clinical psychologists he was a bad person when he was being assessed. He isn't bad, he was just struggling massively. When he got the diagnosis it was a like a switch had been flipped because he started to understand why he thought and acted in the way that he did. I am so proud of the work that he has done to get his life sorted and his key worker was a superstar. I dread to think what would have happened without him on board.

I have always told DS that he can come home whenever he likes. The door was always open and I don't want DH's tantrums putting a spanner in the works now.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families
Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:43

SpaceshiptoMars - Basically yes. And my HA is not going to give two adults and a child a three bedroom house anyway so that is a non starter. So he either sucks it up and moves back into our bedroom (and sorts his snoring out) or he finds his own place. I am not putting up with any nonsense from him. DS has to be put first. I know he will leave home eventually but he needs me now.

OP posts:
Whatamesssss · 16/08/2021 12:45

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

TeacupDrama - I think you might be right about that. If he refuses to move out then I don't think I can force him to. Which is not good news. He earns enough to rent somewhere else but he is bloody minded enough not to want to do that. Which leaves me the option of moving out myself and giving notice on the house. He wouldn't get the tenancy anyway so he would have to leave eventually. If we were not married then I could just ask him to leave.
You absolutely can force him to move out, it doesn't matter that you are married, you are the sole tenant so if he wont move, you can (and should) call the police who will remove him.

Under no circumstances should you move out, assured tenancies are gold dust.

DomPom47 · 16/08/2021 12:46

Lovely to hear that your son is doing so much better. I think that his mental health will definitely be impacted if he goes back to his dads and if he stays with you and your husband carries on acting tense or making him feel feel unwelcome. It is hard but you have to make a decision and support your son even if this means leaving your husband. Your husband may see the error of his ways if he realised that you will leave him and support your son. Sad that he cannot be supportive of your son.

HoppingPavlova · 16/08/2021 12:49

I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe.

That’s the only piece that’s relevant and gives you your answer.

user16395699 · 16/08/2021 12:53

Reading through then, your question is actually "how do I exit my abusive relationship without my son feeling responsible?"

Because you are describing classic domestic abuse.

So you take legal advice, speak to Women's Aid and make your exit plan.

Then you explain to your son that there have been problems for a long time with the coercive and controlling way your husband treats you, which is classed as abuse, but that you didn't feel strong enough to do anything about it before and that you have now realised it is not acceptable and you need to make a change for the better.

You could also say, if appropriate, that you've been inspired by his courage in making this decision and telling you what he needed (because it is a big brave decision and conversation for a child frankly) and more generally by the way he has turned his life around, which has made you realise you need to do the same and stop accepting poor treatment yourself.

This is an opportunity for both of you to build better, healthier futures and not something to feel guilty about or run away from. Any stress is a result of the situation, not him, and it will be short lived in exchange for better lives in the long run.

Be open, honest, clear and age appropriate. Don't try to gloss over things, minimise or cover up - it will be apparent and instead of protecting him will reinforce any sense he has that he has done something bad to feel guilty about (because children - he is still a child - especially children with past trauma like your son automatically interpret "bad" things happening as their fault unless told otherwise and why would you be secretive and evasive if it wasn't his fault?).

Whereas openness and honesty can dissolve those feelings of guilt and culpability.

Good luck.

bluebeck · 16/08/2021 12:55

I hope your HA can be helpful OP.

You may get some promises from DH about how he will behave but it will probably be short lived, and it sounds like DS has been through quite enough.

I would see a solicitor to get advice on how the land lies as you can force him to leave the former marital home as part of a divorce settlement. If he won't leave quietly, this may be your only recourse.

Really open and positive communication between you and DS should help reassure him that you are making decisions based around the outcomes you want, and that he is in no way to blame. Good luck.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:55

I think that it will come down to me moving out and finding somewhere for me and DS. DH is not one for hiding his feelings and I have no doubt that he will make the atmosphere as tense as possible when DS is there tonight.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 16/08/2021 12:56

To be honest, @StPaulandTheBrokenBones it sounds like you are barely tolerating your husband anyway as he's really not pulling his weight in what should be, and isn't, to loving and equal partnership. Even without your son in the mix, who would wish to continue to live with such a self-centred, passive-aggressive, sulky individual who's also a hypocrite in the different ways he treats the two children involved and values you so little he'll just continue behaving this way until YOU give way to keep the peace? I would have looked to giving him his marching orders before now.

I really hope you are able to sort out the accommodation. It sounds crazy that you might have to move out of a property for which you have the sole assured tenancy, so suitable for you and your son, especially if there's a likelihood the HA would tell him to leave anyway.

I really hope you manage to get this resolved as calmly and quickly as possible. Strength to you and your son for a better future. 🌹

PrincessNutella · 16/08/2021 12:59

Well, there are two of you and one of him, so he can fuck right off. If he doesn't like it, he can be the uncomfortable one. If you have your mind set to it, be a team with your son, and ignore what your husband wants.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 12:59

user16395699 - thank you for this post. It's spot on and made me feel a bit emotional to be honest.

Thanks to all of your lovely posts. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing this morning and when DH text me saying how unfair I was being on him I doubted my feelings. I was never going to put DH before DS but it didn't stop me feeling guilty.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 16/08/2021 13:00

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

I think that it will come down to me moving out and finding somewhere for me and DS. DH is not one for hiding his feelings and I have no doubt that he will make the atmosphere as tense as possible when DS is there tonight.
Please don't do this. See what HA say and what solicitor says.

Can you make it almost a game with DS - like what will DH blow up about tonight? I wouldn't advocate that strategy long term but if it gets you through a couple of weeks and helps you to keep an assured tenancy it may be worth it so long as you are both safe?

MrsDoctorDear · 16/08/2021 13:04

This is an opportunity for both of you to build better, healthier futures and not something to feel guilty about or run away from. Any stress is a result of the situation, not him, and it will be short lived in exchange for better lives in the long run.

Brilliant.

user16395699 · 16/08/2021 13:11

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

It is admirable and courageous; I hope one day you will be in a position to look back and see it that way yourself.

In the meantime perhaps you could save a note to yourself in your phone (if safe to do so) reminding you that you are doing the right thing, along with anything else it is important to you to remember when you have doubts, so you can see the words in writing if you have tougher moments.

acolderwar · 16/08/2021 13:16

Based on the DH's attitude and actions thus far, I wouldn't WANT to live in the same house as him, even if it were a 3 or 4 bedroom house. How dare he be such a cunt to your son. Please don't leave the house, you're the sole tenant, tell him to leave immediately. Bye Felicia.

DishingOutDone · 16/08/2021 13:29

Make sure you explain to the HA that your DS has a diagnosis of ASD as that can sometimes help clarify things; when I worked at the CAB we used to come across this all the time sadly - I don't want to promise it will be easily resolved but the starting point would be that you and your son should have priority to keep the tenancy in a relationship breakdown. Which is what you do indeed have and to be honest, it sounds pretty attractive to breakdown the relationship with your H - what a complete selfish wanker.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 13:36

I would pack his bags and leave them outside tbh.

He can find somewhere else to stay.

If he gets nasty you can call the police. You can also look at the threshold for an occupation order - speak to the domestic violence helpline. With a vulnerable child and you as sole tenant it may be easier than you think.

Doidontimmm · 16/08/2021 13:39

No advice but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum to be proud of Flowers

2021V2 · 16/08/2021 13:40

I'd dump the husband and the ex and get a place with DS

Peridot1 · 16/08/2021 13:46

Do not leave the house. Please please do not leave. It is in YOUR sole name. It’s worth it’s weight in gold.

If your DH doesn’t want o live with your DS then he can leave. There is nothing stopping him.

I would be pointing out his hypocrisy in the different ways he thinks you should treat your DS compared to how he treats his DD.

GetTaeFuck · 16/08/2021 13:49

When I needed ExH to leave the home, I called the police for advice. As the tenancy was in my name, it didn’t matter if we were married or not, he had no right to be there if I didn’t want him there. They removed him twice - both times from my front garden when he was drunk and being a shouting arsehole. They removed his keys the first time too.

SecondChanceAtLife · 16/08/2021 13:55

I also want to reiterate what a PP said: you are an amazing mum!!! Wishing you and DS all the best

Perfectlystill · 16/08/2021 13:59

You are his mother. He is a child. Your man can fuck off.

Amazed you even have to ask tbh.