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Original poster

Teenage son wants to move back in with me - husband not happy

557 replies

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 09:55

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 16/08/2021 10:11

At 14 my ds went off the rails. Except exh supported his drugs and drink habit!! So ds stayed away from me (should have been 50/50ish). I was remarried... At 15 ds Saw The Error Of His Ways and wanted to move ft with me. My dh actually went and collected him from his df's as I was at work. Wasn't even a conversation he just went. They have a great relationship.. Lots of man hugs!! Ds is now 20. If your dh isn't on board it is the final nail for your relationship op... Imo.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:12

No, there was no complaining. We have a deaf cat who meows very loudly when she can't find DH (he rescued her from the RSPCA when she was a kitten and before we met). Normally she sleeps in with him but because DS was in that bedroom she came in with us and was meowing. I could hear her but there was no problem, she would have settled eventually. DH started tutting (I pretended I was asleep) and then he got up and went downstairs with her.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/08/2021 10:13

16 is still so young, especially an autistic 16 year old. Your husband needs to grow up or fuck off

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16 year olds Families
Polkadots2021 · 16/08/2021 10:13

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

My son is 16, almost 17. I split up with his dad when my DS was a baby and he lived with me full time until he was 13. He moved in with his dad when he was 13. I am happy to go into the reasons for this but this would make my OP about ten pages long. DS was having mental health issues at the time, my ex husband is very manipulative and talked DS into moving in with him.

DS is now much better. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 15 and I think the diagnosis helped him to realise that there is nothing "wrong" with him, it's just that his brain works differently to other people.

DS and his father are starting to have issues. His dad is drinking heavily every night, he has stopped working, cleaning the house, cooking etc. His dad is drunk every night and DS is worried about him but at the same time doesn't want to live with someone who is drunk all of the time, so he wants to move back in with me, which I have no issues with. DS works full time (he has an apprenticeship) but my husband doesn't want him there and has made it clear he doesn't want him there. DS stayed over last night and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I really do not want to tell my DS to go back to his dad's. I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue. I appreciate that DS is 16, almost 17 but he is a child and he needs somewhere to feel safe. DS never says anything negative about his dad normally so things must be quite bad for him there for him to have asked to move in with me.

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this without my son realising he isn't wanted there by his step-father?

Sadly I think all you can do is end your marriage and have your son live with you. You can't hide what your husbands attitude is but your son will benefit hugely from seeing how much his mum prioritises him. You sound like a really lovely mum.
custardbear · 16/08/2021 10:13

Plenty more fish in the sea, but you're the only one who can help your DS.
Alternative, can you build a cabin in the garden for your son to have his own space in? Just a thought - but your husband is being unsupportive and unreasonable

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:15

Brollypackedforscottishholiday - Yes this is basically how it went with DS. He moved in with his dad because his dad let him do whatever he wanted. I knew there was something behind his behaviour and fought for him to see a clinical psychologist (the waiting list was 18 months at that time). Now he has turned his life around and wants stability, not a drunk father who doesn't wake up until mid afternoon every day.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 16/08/2021 10:15

He shows more concern for the cat than your son. Ditch him. If he is the one that snores why did he have such a poor sleep downstairs? Plus if his dd did cone and stay where would she sleep? I bet he wouldn't mind sleeping in the living room then.

Geamhradh · 16/08/2021 10:15

@GetTaeFuck

DH can fuck off
And then some. Don't choose some fuckwit over your child OP.
Konfetka · 16/08/2021 10:18

I am prepared to end my marriage over this issue.

End it.

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:19

The house is rented and in my sole name. Unfortunately we only have a small paved back yard so no room for a cabin!

It was lovely this morning. DH goes out to work at 6.30am so I made DS a coffee and made a packed lunch for him, which obviously I wouldn't do every day but DS said it was weird having someone around in the morning because obviously his dad is normally in bed so DS sorts himself out for work. I think he liked the fact that there was someone there to make sure he had everything for the day. It upset me to be honest.

DS has been making all of his own meals, washing, ironing, cleaning. He absolutely should know how to do all of those things as one day he will have his own place but he shouldn't have to do everything for himself because his parent is drunk in bed.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/08/2021 10:20

If a new partner made my 16yo, almost 17yo DS unwelcome, I would not continue the relationship.

Your DH reassuring his DD that she would always have a home with him demonstrates that he knows this is true.

Can you support yourself and DS without DH's contribution? Time to get your ducks in a row. Good to know where you stand, even if DH dies back down.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 10:22

Throw out the husband. Your son needs to come home.

As someone who also had an alcoholic father as a child, it is absolutely terrifying and very unsafe. Do not put your DS through it just because it's inconvenient to your husband

Original poster
StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 16/08/2021 10:25

Yes I earn enough to manage financially. I feel quite cold about the situation to be honest. Either he steps up or fucks off.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 10:26

The house is rented and in my sole name

Sorry but your husband is being horrible here. My kids would be my priority and I would hope my husband would have my back 100% here. I would be asking him to leave today and explaining why.

Why does he think he can dictate to you whether your teenage son comes to live in a house that’s yours!!?

girlmom21 · 16/08/2021 10:27

Your son is a child and he needs you. Your attitude is absolutely spot on - you're either a family or you're not. And if you're not, the person who made that decision can pack his bags!

Galassia · 16/08/2021 10:29

It’s not your son just casually wanting to move in, this warrants an emergency of sorts as his living conditions with his father are now awful.

If you have a spare bedroom then there is no reason why your husband should deny your child a safe haven especially as it’s temporary as your son will eventually have a place of his own.

I do understand that anyone moving back in upsets the status quo and if you have one living room then I can understand that suddenly there are now three instead of two every evening that can make for disagreements over what to watch in the tv etc or just having your privacy invaded.

That’s not to say your son should be up in his room every evening but this should be discussed openly with the three of you so as to avoid arguments and how to give each other space when needed.

If handled with open discussions and having certain rules such as your son cleans up after himself, doesn’t play loud music etc then your husband shouldn’t have a problem.

BrilliantBetty · 16/08/2021 10:31

This is your moment to patch things up with your son, for whatever happened to when he stopped living with you. He is escaping what sounds like a terrible father and he needs his mother.

Your relationship with your husband is secondary at this point. And how can you possibly continue with someone who doesn't care a hoot for your child (he sounds like a dick). Tell him you need to have your son here, he is coming between that and so must leave immediately. As in today. Or you give notice on your tenancy, if that's possible, and look for somewhere else with your son ASAP.

This is about you and your kid and giving him the love and stability he needs.

Roselilly36 · 16/08/2021 10:32

If he was my DS of course he could come home. Whether room was an issue or not. I would never turn my children away regardless of the circumstances, I would always put my children above a new partner and I would make no secret to hide that from the off.

AlexaShutUp · 16/08/2021 10:35

YANBU at all. I think it would be hard for you to respect your DH after this, regardless of what happens with your ds. Your ds needs you, and it's astonishing that he is too selfish to care about the needs of a potentially vulnerable child. And not just any child, your child.

You sound like a great mum. You'll do the right thing for your ds. I'm sorry that your h has let you down in such a massive way.

Hoppinggreen · 16/08/2021 10:38

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones

Yes I earn enough to manage financially. I feel quite cold about the situation to be honest. Either he steps up or fucks off.
I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation but I would just like to say that I think you are awesome and your son is lucky
GetTaeFuck · 16/08/2021 10:40

Oh OP, that’s so sad.

But yes, DH is either on board or out on his arse - immediately. No dithering, no hanging about creating a horrible atmosphere.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 10:42

Good for you OP what a great mum!

blahblahblah321 · 16/08/2021 10:42

TBH I wouldn't even give your DH a chance if he was mine, it's obvious that he isn't going to change so I'd start as I mean to go on and make a life for myself and my DS

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 16/08/2021 10:43

Either he steps up or fucks off

Absolutely this!

Your son is lucky to have you, so many parents do not put their children first.

Elieza · 16/08/2021 10:44

Do you love DH?

What’s he done about his snoring? Has he tried the nose strips or lost weight or whatever to help you get a better sleep in the same bed? Do you want him to sleep in your bed?

If he’s not bothered his arse to make your life easier, you don’t want him in your bed if his snoring went away, and now this shite about not wanting your son, I’d suggest he’s not a keeper. Especially as you could manage the rent yourself.

Or would a bigger house be an option so the three of you could stay there (if you love DH)?

The only other option is getting your son his own pad nearby. I was out the house at 16 and was fine. He does sound self sufficient. Would he want that or would he be lonely? Could your DH handle the increased contact if he did live nearby and you and your son were in and out of each other’s houses, dinner together a few might a week etc? Or is it curtains for DH as he can’t handle you having a relationship with your son?

If you split with him, you can tell your son that you and DH had been having issues for a while and that you like the idea of living with your son so it’s been a good time to split from DH and suits everyone.

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