Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

[Toffeepie123]

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

My mum is the most amazing mum ever and if I was 1/2 of her, I'd have done a good job.

I have done a good job, but that's because I worked part time, 3 days, and am super organised.

I loved hosting good birthday parties and making sure an occasional school trip packed lunch was amazing.

Have you had counselling Op?

On paper I have a Mumsy Mum. Nice, safe dress sense, comfy shoes, permed hair, loves gardening and reading, dinner on the table every night.

BUT

I always felt a distance between us. She was constantly doing housework, making dinner and plumping up cushions. It was all very cosy and safe but she never, ever spent time with me or even spoke to me very often. She baked but never with me - the kitchen door was firmly shut. She could only deal with nice, fluffy subjects so no one ever spoke to me about periods or puberty - I don't think she has ever said the word "sex" and she has never shared with me her experience of childbirth. There was no advice or guidance or personal conversation of any kind, I was just left to muddle along. I could never bring my problems to her and now I wouldn't want to. But yes, she is very "nice".

Give me a wild biker Mum with tattoos and a fondness for whisky and dirty talk any day, thanks.

My mum was mumsy to me and always put us first. She managed to do a 6 year degree through the OU, became a magistrate, prison visitor, chairman of governors at a school, elder of our church all while we were young. She was so much fun, so comforting, always knew the right words to say, simply magnificent. She died nearly 24 years ago and I miss her dearly. My children were 9 and 7 when she died but she had such an impact on them they talk about her all the time. Im a mumsy mum too but not in my mum's league.

My mum was mostly traditional (for her generation at least) in that she put us first, centre of her universe etc (although did still work) but now we are grown up she's at quite a loss as to what to do with her life. I don't think it's a healthy way to raise children, it didn't instill realistic expectations in me and it's not how I'm choosing to raise my children. It didn't benefit any of us in the long run. I think it's important for children to know and understand their parents are human with needs and wants too, which I don't think you can do if they are the so called centre of your world, so "pedestal parenting" should be avoided in my view.

Not read the full thread but my mum was a sahm till I was about ten - she would be volunteering for everything - often to do with the Labour Party or nct she was very popular at the school gate and made brilliant costumes and cooking was all sugar free and brown flour-no fairy cakes for us ...but she HATED it!! She was so shouty at home and would lose her temper with us and fight with my dad all the time because she was so frustrated and bored being a housewife and mum she was much happier when she went back to work and a much better mum even though she was busier ... being a good mum and a happy mum are much more important than having someone there to make cakes with
the most 'Mumsy mum' I knew as a kid was very overprotective for the time and my friend would always remind me 'don't talk about boys or swear' when we went to her house and my friend - though still very close to her mum was a massive rebel and has lived her life very differently to her mum

@Oblomov21 why would I need counselling? Because I'm musing about mumsy mums?

@baggies
Your mum sounds lovely!!

My mum did the practical things. She was a good cook, the house was absolutely pristine, and we were immaculately dressed.
Were we nurtured? Absolutely not.
It was just a typical 70s/80s childhood in working-class Scotland.
So, no, I didn't have a mumsy mum but did secretly wish she was.

Looking back, she was probably completely depressed which didn't help.

Mine wasn't a mumsy mum and I always wanted one. She was a good mum in that we were well cared for, had clean clothes, fed properly and she baked with us on a Sunday. However that emotional side was and could be quite critical and was prond to rages.

Should say emotional was missing and prone to rages. Grrr.

No op. Because you need a lot of help accepting that she wasn't the Mumsy mum you wanted. She sounds lacking in certain areas.
You do need help accepting this. It's not your fault.

"She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders."

I had a SAHM who did baking and helped on school trips and stuff. I had a lovely childhood. I’ve chosen completely differently for my own life but DD’s childhood will be equally lovely.

You have been damaged by being bought up by a mum who wasnt ......

Can you not see that?

@Oblomov21 that is a bizarre thought process you have oblomov. My mum wasn't lacking, just not mumsy.

@ohthatbloodycat sorry to hear that x

@Oblomov21 you're being very dramatic, OP doesn't sound damaged

Does anyone look back and berate their Dad for not arranging a good fancy dress costume or being at events?

Apropos of nothing much, one of my most treasured memories is of being probably 5, maybe 6, and having the part of the Angel Gabriel in the nativity. Provide your own costume etc. I went to bed the night before really worried I didn’t have a costume- my Nan (or maybe my Mum, but most probably my Nan) had sorted a white nightdress but that was it. I was worried about my wings and my tinsel crown.

When I woke up in the morning at the end of ny bed was the hugest pair of tinfoil-covered wings in the perfect angelic shape - it was like I’d dreamed them. My Dad had made them. There was a crown too. I felt amazing.

We donated them to the school so next year someone else wore my wings, and I felt almost as proud then - my Dad made those wings.

You haven’t said anything at all about your dad, OP.

My mum and dad both worked, and I never remember questioning it. My grandparents were really involved with us day to day as young kids. I didn’t feel a lack. I think what resonated to me when I became a parent was that it was that sense that you were cared for and someone was there to cheer you on and help - ‘Mum’ is not 100% important it’s that feeling someone is there for you. I tried to always give my DC that if I could - it might be me, or their father, or a visiting grandparent (didn’t live close) or their adored childminder, or even a friend’s mum asked to especially support/cheer etc.

What was your wider support network when you were younger, OP? Dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc? You’ve identified that having a mum who wasn’t 100% child-focused was an issue for you - but maybe it was because the whole ‘village’ wasn’t there?

@Mn753

I totally get what you are saying and from a child's point of view, you want to be your mother's entire world but as adult women we can surely see that women subjugating themselves completely is at best a step back for equality and at worst a total nightmare. It's not that we shouldn't be doing all the baking/ reading etc but that it should be shared between men and women. Any pressure needs to be shared. You see so many posts on here where women have no pension and no earning power, have waited on their families hand and foot and then their marriages end and they're left in an incredibly difficult position.

Well said

My mum was a 'mumsy mum' though she did work but she dedicated her whole life to us. It doesn't mean she was a perfect mum and she made loads of mistakes with all of us.

Being a mumsy mum is lovely on the surface but what also happened is when we all got to teenage years and started seeing friends over staying at home, mum became invisible and suddenly she had no friends, as she hadn't maintained friendships due to putting us first. She had no hobbies , no life, absolutely nothing outside of being a mum. And she really suffered for it, she's pretty bitter even to this day. And until we became parents ourselves none of us have a fuck that she suddenly felt invisible.

I am not a mumsy mum, and I let my children know that I count as a family member too, my life outside of them is important and it's not just about them. For example when we go away we will do 90% stuff for the kids but if I want to go to a museum, I won't martyr myself and think 'the kids will hate that', they can come along and see my interests matter too.

I also won't change my appearance or personality just in case the kids get embarrassed. I am a leather jacket wearer, i probably dress ten years younger than my age, if my kids are embarrassed they'll have to learn to be more tolerant I'm afraid

@AlexaShutUp

But why would it be "un-mumsy" to work or have friends/hobbies? Is it "un-dadsy" too?

Exactly. Many of us are objecting to the idea that, in order to be "mumsy" or appropriately maternal, you need to sacrifice your career, hobbies, interests, friends etc, and have your entire life revolve around your children. I actually think I am naturally very maternal, but I have my own life alongside that. It doesn't have to be an either/or choice.

Yep. Fuck sacrificing my entire life for my kids. I've been on holidays abroad with friends since they were born and I'm a better parent for it because I have 'me' time.

What happened to preaching self love? Or does it all go down the pan once you give birth and you're not a proper person anymore?

Not read the full thread but my mum was a sahm till I was about ten - she would be volunteering for everything - often to do with the Labour Party or nct she was very popular at the school gate and made brilliant costumes and cooking was all sugar free and brown flour-no fairy cakes for us ...but she HATED it!! She was so shouty at home and would lose her temper with us and fight with my dad all the time because she was so frustrated and bored being a housewife and mum she was much happier when she went back to work and a much better mum even though she was busier

Yes my mum, though she worked, was like this because she willingly took on the Supermum role rather than just chilling the fuck out.

I was discussing this with a friend a few Christmases ago and both our mums were the same (hers was a SAHM) and we found that Christmas days were actually unpleasant and stressful because our mums HAD to do the whole Stepford wives super OTT meal, 100 veg cooked from scratch and 6 courses for 20 people etc. We laughed because we both recalled the same thing - when we heard pans banging about in the kitchen we knew the kitchen was a no-go area we now message each other if we are having a bad day and say "It's a pan banging kinda day"

Christmases were awful though because mum insisted on being mumsy, doing it all herself an because she was essentially a cooking and cleaning robot the rest of the year, no one even thought to help and she never asked! As a result she was massively stressed. I would so rather she'd have bought some ready made veg, bunged it all in the oven and sat with us as we played with our toys. But all day was spent in the kitchen!

Needless to say M&S deliver my Xmas ready meal food, it all goes in the oven or microwave and it comes out when it's ready. I even get ready made gravy (which upsets poor Mum deeply )

@Oblomov21

You have been damaged by being bought up by a mum who wasnt ......

Can you not see that?

What a horrible thing to say

The idea that being ‘mumsy’ or baking and not working is evidence that you’re dedicated to your kids is just dripping with misogyny.

The poster who thinks her mum baking cakes shows she put her children first 🤮

Either you’re a good, invested parent or you’re not.

Nothing at all to do with baking, gardening, whether or not you work or your choice of clothes.

Yes. Not really old seeming but a SAHM and for my childhood she was head of the PTA and only wore ankle length skirts 😂 No drugs, no drink, only us. It was lovely. Really good, always supported, she helped with everything. Could've done without the extreme screaming at me over homework though. She was quite competitive. So wasn't perfect, I felt cornered a lot of the time.

Anyway it all changed with the divorce. The mini skirts came out, she seemed to have a personality transplant and my SAHM suddenly decided to leave me at home alone every weekend for the next 4 years. She also drank gin from mugs as though I couldn't tell. Tea isn't transparent mother. That sounds was intensely lonely and frightening.

And actually I'd say I was damaged by my SAHM. She was so competitive. Obsessed with our achievement. Being made to sit for hours at a time writing out the pages of a book because my handwriting was 'embarrassing'. I was 7.

Also trying to work out maths. If she couldn't do it it became a battle ground. Funnily enough screaming at me and grounding me for not being able to solve a problem didn't help.

Loving the sexist stereotypes here - mumsy mum/a man’s woman/biker chick….

OP, are you in the UK or the US, out of interest? You mix up American and British English.