Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

[Toffeepie123]

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

I’m really uncomfortable (but maybe stemming from guilt) that a ‘mumsy mum’ is the ideal, seems to revolve around not working, and baking and knitting all the time! I adore my daughter and really hope and want to make sure we have a close relationship when we grow up, as I didn’t have that really with my mum and she died when I was in my twenties. However, I work full time, am not a natural baker (although I did start when I was a mum as felt I should) and kind of enjoy it 🤷‍♀️, I hate crafts and don’t knit, not every meal is home cooked 🤦‍♀️. However, I do try and read with her lots and lots, tell her I love her every day and lots of cuddles...play with her sometimes but I’m an introvert so do struggle with this! And 3.5 is a tricky age. We also go on some family days out and I try and take her to the park and things. I have another daughter on the way and want to be the kind of mum they can come to for anything and can be mates with when they are older. I don’t think my mum was ‘mumsy’ in the traditional sense but the things I think she got ‘right’ which I try and replicate were me always feeling loved and valued, and fostering a love of books. So don’t know what that makes me...🤔

@LordOfTheThings

It was this that caught my eye, ‘Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids.’

I could be wrong but it suggests the OP had felt it was positive that mums were working less to spend more time with their kids. This probably meant that fathers were working more to support them. It is a different balance, and a choice that everyone can make for themselves.

In my case, this interests me because I work a lot more than many of the mums at my daughters’ school, and as a result my husband has to do many things that other dads don’t seem to get involved with. It is a juggle we both manage, and not a perfect one. I am mumsy in my own way, but couldn’t spend time baking with my children on a week day. I don’t think they will judge this, but it will be interesting to see how they compare me to other mothers when I’m older.

@Happyhappyday

‘ It makes me very frustrated to read about folks still wanting this burden of a perfect childhood to fall completely on the mum. My dad & DH’s dad were just as much a part of being there for us as the mum’s were.’

I agree with you, and think you’ve expressed this point a bit better than my attempt in a previous post!

@LordOfTheThings

It’s a lot more balanced for both parents to take an active role, and not for mothers to have to give up their personal lives to be ‘mummy slaves’ to their children.

@NotFrozen in my case, both my parents did take an active role. The OP asks about mothers in this thread I didn't mention my dad because that wasn't the OP's questiin. My mum was a 'mumsy' mum but that doesn't mean that she was either a slave to us, or that my dad wasn't involved equally because he very much was. Nor did she give up her personal life; she may have been a 'mumsy' mum but that wasn't all that she was.

I totally agree that you can be a 'mumsy mum' without it meaning that you give up everything else, but OP does very much make it sound like you can't:

I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused.

This thread is an eye opener. I always thought a mumsy mum was rather overweight, never visited a hairdresser and wore fleeces and bad shoes.
There are some lovely sounding mums on this thread.

My mum was great when I was little - lots of cooking and stories an imaginative play and home-made dressing up clothes and crafts and long walks etc. She was a SAHP but was also really politically active and was part of a feminist newspaper collective based in our house. I had a pretty fabulous childhood, but things went downhill in adulthood and she hasn't spoken to me for years.

My mother didn’t work but also was totally disinterested in parenting. She had au pairs and cleaner and spent her time shopping and travelling. As an adult she’s explained that she had me to please my father. Also, she would easily lose her temper and slap me when I was little. Unmumsy on lots of levels- hated mess etc.

As someone who literally HAS to work full time to keep a roof over DDs head threads like this make me feel a bit sad.
Not that anyone intends that of course but I wish I could do the school run etc for DD.

It's funny how people always zero in on baking, which not at all the most important aspect of being a SAHM. You could easily skip baking all together and it wouldn't matter. That, and the word mumsy, and this idea of being a person As OPPOSED to being a mother (are fathers less themselves if they spend time with their kids?) seems like a subtle way of putting down SAHMs. I see it everywhere, but why? Are people afraid that SAHMs will rise up and take over the world if not constantly trivialised? We might, and it would be glorious.

@Tuscancat

This thread is an eye opener. I always thought a mumsy mum was rather overweight, never visited a hairdresser and wore fleeces and bad shoes. There are some lovely sounding mums on this thread.

That’s what mumsy means: frump. On this thread it seems to mean an amalgam of SAHM/very maternal.

@Doona

It's funny how people always zero in on baking, which not at all the most important aspect of being a SAHM. You could easily skip baking all together and it wouldn't matter. That, and the word mumsy, and this idea of being a person As OPPOSED to being a mother (are fathers less themselves if they spend time with their kids?) seems like a subtle way of putting down SAHMs. I see it everywhere, but why? Are people afraid that SAHMs will rise up and take over the world if not constantly trivialised? We might, and it would be glorious.

I also think the baking focus is odd, but mostly because I like baking but don't consider myself 'mumsy'. I actually used to bake loads more before I had children - I used to make beautiful sourdough and lots of Ottolenghi recipes!

@Tuscancat

This thread is an eye opener. I always thought a mumsy mum was rather overweight, never visited a hairdresser and wore fleeces and bad shoes. There are some lovely sounding mums on this thread.

Oh. Okay, if that's what it means then I am mumsy for sure. And so was my mother. I thought it meant frilly and meek!

this idea of being a person As OPPOSED to being a mother (are fathers less themselves if they spend time with their kids?)

No, but nor does anyone think that a father would damage his relationship with his child because he worked as well as being a parent.

The OP has subverted the meaning.
Mumsy means frumpy/dowdy.

I had a mumsy mum, also a martyr. I wish she’d had a job to be honest! She spent her life cooking and cleaning for us and was a bit over-involved. I’d have liked less of her time in a way..

I had a mumsy mum. This sounds awful but she was completely a non-person. No personality, no hobbies, no hopes or ambitions - just a body that sat around the house doing chores and cooking meals. Only there to look after me, not a person in her own right. It was awful. I never knew her as a person because there was no person to know.

It caused problems because her only role in life was to be a mother, so when I grew up she had nothing. That caused her to cling to me and make me feel guilty about wanting my own life. She guilted me into living at home when I studied at university. I was 23 before I had the strength to move out. She still harassed me by turning up every weekend. She pressured me not to move more than 30 minutes away from her. When I was on maternity leave she turned up at my house every single day.

So yeah, I’m not a fan of mumsy mums. I think mums need to have their own lives. Needless to say I’m not mumsy at all!

My mum was a mumsy mum. She had to leave her job when she got married & focused her entire life on us children. She wasn't a hugger but she baked & we had home cooked meals every day. She didn't have a life outside & I think she struggled when we all moved out.

When I had children, we clashed a lot as our parenting differs. I worked part time but was hugely involved in my kids lives. My mum hated that I used childcare for my kids. I used to get all these passive aggressive comments that she never left us with strangers 🙄. She didn't understand that I wasn't like her & needed to have a job & a life outside of being a mother.

While she loved us, she did everything for us & didn't prepare us (particularly my brothers) for adult life.

Mums mum too - didn’t work and looked after us.
Was wonderful in every way and I can’t fault her.
She never pandered to us though and ensured we were patented properly.
She’s a great grandma too and helps without interfering.
(She’s obviously not prefect abs does annoy me sometimes though!)
I try to do the same for my children, but I’m a bit less patient!

@NotFrozen it is about balance isn't it. My mum worked mornings and tutored two or three evenings a week which seemed to work out for our family unit. I think that's the thing really, just working out what works for your family.

@Paulinna it sounds like you just weren't a fan of your own mum from you description. Being a mumsy mum didn't mean giving up her own life for my own mum, she led her own life in parallel. You don't have to be completely one way or the other.

My Mum was Mumsy in so far that she fed us very well, often baked and always came to school stuff. However, she was incredibly house proud and though our house was very beautiful, it never felt homely. We spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying up (and we also had a cleaner who came twice a week).

My Dad had an affair when I was 14 and my Mum went to pieces. She didn't try to protect me from any of it and made me her emotional crutch whilst involving me in her petty mind games against my Dad. I was far too young.

Now I have teenage daughters of my own, I am still appalled at her failure to shield me from the fallout from my Dad's affair. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer last year and my absolute priority was ensuring my DDs were protected as much as possible. They never once saw me frightened or upset, or crying. I absolutely couldn't bear the thought of burdening them or worrying them - because I've had first hand experience of how that feels (anxious, helpless, frustrated, suffocated) and I refused to do that to my children. Through my twenties and thirties my Mum was far, far too invested in my life. She did her own thing too, but made it clear that she was always happiest with me and only really wanted to be with me. It was quite a burden to encumber.

But, I'm not especially Mumsy it has to be said. I have never baked with them, and frankly found the early years rather dull. I've always had my own friends and interests, and always worked part time. But I was at every sports day and speech day, and always at school pick up - and have always told them I love them and how lovely they are (because they really are).

Now they're older teens we have a really solid relationship and we really enjoy each other's company. But, I try not to get overly invested in their lives because it's not appropriate and besides, I have my own life to live with DH and our friends. I've got a lot of stuff wrong in my life, but I think I got being a Mum just about right? DD2 paid me the ultimate compliment recently when she said she intended to be the same Mum to her children as I have been to her - inside I thought "My work here is done".

I had a mumsy mum. She baked and gardened and when I had a tummy bug she'd bring me a glass of soda water and freshly squeezed lemon juice sweetened with icing sugar. She adored animals and was a great rescuer of strays and lost causes.
Miss her most when I'm with my cats, and I wish she could see them. I know she'd love the little sick one best.

I used to get all these passive aggressive comments that she never left us with strangers. She didn't understand that I wasn't like her & needed to have a job & a life outside of being a mother
I get that too. “I raised my own child, I NEVER left you with anyone. I never went out for a drink or a meal for over 20 years”. Well good for you mother, but I still want to have a life.

My mum was a SAHM. I can recall one stretch in my teens where she had a PT job during school hours, but it was very linked to her hobby (porcelain crafting and dollmaking; she sold the kiln we had at home last year.) She has a natural talent for crafting and design, so we always had terrific clothes and costumes.

She'd had a few overbearing boyfriends prior to meeting my dad, so she encouraged us to be "us" first and then a partner/wife/mother second. It's advice I still hold to now. This isn't to say she hadn't taken on the lion's share of raising us; she certainly was the one doing the school runs, liaising with teachers (DSis was SEN in a time before this was really a recognised thing), shopping, cooking, and managing the house. Our house was the place all of the neighbourhood kids congregated, so we were always home after school. She still maintains that this was how she wanted it.

She's anything but frumpy, though -- she was a bodybuilder in her spare time!

Apologies for those who believe this thread to be misogynistic and against mothers/women.

Not my intention. I am a pregnant woman so therefore going to become a mother. So I am pondering on some aspects of motherhood.

Of course dad's should be as involved as mother's and caring responsibilities shared etc.
However as a first time mum I am just musing about mums, not dads. Wondering how I will be, thinking of the type of childhood I had, what I'd have wanted more of, less of, would like to replicate etc.

There will be many others like on this thread who's mums are 'mumsy' and they didn't like it. So it swings in roundabouts.

Personally I hate the stereotypes around women and being a mum. The phrase mumsy mum is somehow demeaning. Just do it your way and be you, everyone else is taken!