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Original poster

Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

209 replies

Toffeepie123 · 13/08/2021 18:30

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 14/08/2021 09:36

I totally get what you are saying and from a child's point of view, you want to be your mother's entire world but as adult women we can surely see that women subjugating themselves completely is at best a step back for equality and at worst a total nightmare.

I agree that it isn't desirable for women to subjugate themselves, but I disagree that, from a child's view, that's what you would want.

My mum was lovely in many ways, and overall, she was a great mum, but dsis and I were the centre of her universe and I hated it. It created so much pressure on us, because she had nothing else. She was bored and unfulfilled, and I felt increasingly guilty as we became more independent as she was clearly struggling without a clear sense of purpose. Now, as an adult, I still struggle with her overwhelming regrets about not having had a life of her own. I'm grateful for everything that she did for us, but I wish there had been more balance, and that's what I've tried to achieve as a mother. I do still regard dd as the centre of my world in that she is the most important thing in it, but she isn't the only one...I have my own career, hobbies, interests, friends and that's how it should be in my view. In many ways, maybe that's the most valuable lesson that my mum taught me, and I'm grateful for that.

Lanique · 14/08/2021 09:38

I know someone who's a true mumsy mum, and - this sounds awfully judgy - IMO she's not an ideal mother. She positively nurtures her children's insecurities by being overly protective and soft with them - never pushing them or expecting them to stand up for themselves and be self-reliant. She's setting her kids up for a lifetime of dependency. She also doesn't allow her dh to really have any say in their lives as she seems to like being depended upon. As a result he's removed himself from having any great responsibility. This is partly his fault too.

My parents, for all their failings, certainly taught me to be very independent and resourceful.

boobot1 · 14/08/2021 09:41

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

You don't mention your Dad. It takes two parents to produce a child. Doesn't have to be Mum who compromises on career vs. kids.

Yup it was my dad who I baked cakes with, not my mum.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

LordOfTheThings · 14/08/2021 09:42

I don't think baking is much to do with it.

Absolutely agree. 😆 My mum was a mums mum and never baked with us because she was shit at it.

saraclara · 14/08/2021 09:47

She positively nurtures her children's insecurities by being overly protective and soft with them - never pushing them or expecting them to stand up for themselves

See what I said about different definitions. I wouldn't say that that makes her a mumsy mum. She's an over protective mum, and that's it. You can be a mumsy mum and absolutely nurture an independence of spirit in your kids.

woodfort · 14/08/2021 09:49

Dunno. I guess my mum was - she wore the Laura Ashley mum uniform and is a good cook and baker and only worked term time, we went to national trusts every weekend. I don’t remember it all that fondly though. She got stressed and snappy a lot and things and I feel like she patented more to a tick box and we had strict 7pm bedtimes and could do x / couldn’t do y and that sort of thing. I don’t remember sitting around cuddling or laughing til it hurts together or anything really nice. No one really touched much in our house and I recoil now that I’m older and my Dad has decided that he is a hugger.
I’m a very different parent I think. I make a lot of beige food but I cuddle more and we’re a lot more fluid with who sleeps in what bed and when we go to bed and I hope my children just feel very loved.

Bonmonkhouse · 14/08/2021 10:05

Agree about Dads. If you are a single mum, presumably working full time is a necessity, ergo you'll miss some sports days. Many working couples I know split things like sports days and pick ups. In the past it wasn't a thing for Dads to take time off work for this sort of thing. Times have thankfully changed.

Does anyone look back and berate their Dad for not arranging a good fancy dress costume or being at events? My Dad was absent a lot of the week for work. He took me out every Saturday and took me to my evening activity. He worked full time for half the summer holiday. I was very happy with that. He was a very actively involved Dad for that period in time. Why are Mums judged differently?

littletinyboxes · 14/08/2021 10:05

My DM was what most people would call a mumsy mum. I can't remember her ever having any social life that didn't revolve around her children (ie. even when she went out in the evening it was with mums of our friends and if she saw old friends it was always with children in a child friendly place). Both my parents but the children first in everything. If any of us had a problem they would jump to fix it for us and even when we became adults they would put our needs before theirs.

I found this stifling so I chose a university quite a long way away and learned to be independent. However, as a parent I have argued quite a bit with my parents as they don't think I am parenting properly and I do sometimes feel guilty for not being as self effacing as my mother was.
Neither of my brothers ever really learned to be independent of my parents. Both have got in to difficulties as adults and been shocked when my parents can't wave a magic wand and solve them/bale them out. Both defer to my parents when making decisions, which I know has caused arguments with their partners.

In short, I'm not convinced that a mumsy mum/self effacing parents is the key to happiness in adulthood and I suspect that your mum's way will probably have helped you to be a more independent person.

FarDownTheRiver · 14/08/2021 10:21

@Bonmonkhouse

True that!

Personally, I was always happy my mum worked but she wished she could be a SAHM. I would have felt stifled as I need alone time. I am proud of her, she was and is an amazing teacher, a kind friend etc. I hated those annoying non-uniform fancy-costume days because they were stressful because she still made all the effort of trying to do it; alone. My dad was not that helpful on anything housework and childcare related and it was so hard and stressful for her. I resent him for that; like how hard is it to be an adult and pull your weight?

I think it is important children know their parents are people whether they stay at home or not. I don't think it is bad to fit kids in with your life; quite the contrary as long as their needs are being met.

Turquoisesea · 14/08/2021 10:35

My mum was a mumsy mum, she was always there for us, helped out with school things, baked with us etc. She was also such a good listener and calm and non judgemental. When I was a teenager my friends used to come round for her advice and she would make them a cup of tea and really listen to them. They often said they wished they had had a mum like mine. If I can be half the mum my mum was I will have done a good job. The main thing I took from my childhood was than I always felt loved and she always had time for me and my siblings. I felt very lucky to have had her as my mum.

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2021 10:54

I have a mumsy mum and a mumsy mil. I love them. Growing up mum was always there for us, at home when we came from school, would take us to school in the mornings. She cooked all our food from scratch, played with us, listened to us read, just had so much more energy than I feel I have. Sge was always there through all the angst to help us deal with friendship issues and navigating the teenage years. The house was always kept immaculate and she was and is a cheery soul. As we all grew up and left the nest she started volunteering, spruced up her cv and got a job. I'm very proud of my mum.

I work part time so am a different kind of mum to her but I take the best bits that I can emulate and try to.

AlexaShutUp · 14/08/2021 11:54

I have a daughter, and I'd never aspire for her to be a mum with no life of her own. Why on earth would I want that for her?

I therefore feel that it's incumbent on me as her mum to model how it's possible to be a loving, attentive and effective parent while also having a life of my own, with a career, interests and friends etc. That's what I want for dd in the future, so I need to show her how to do that. If she ultimately decides that she wants something different instead, then that will obviously be her choice, but I wouldn't want her growing up feeling that she has to make a choice between being a good mum and pursuing her own interests and ambitions.

bumblingbovine49 · 14/08/2021 12:25

@Tuscancat

This thread is an eye opener. I always thought a mumsy mum was rather overweight, never visited a hairdresser and wore fleeces and bad shoes.

There are some lovely sounding mums on this thread.

On that definition I'm mumsy for sure.

I'm not sure I am that warmly maternal though

Original poster

Toffeepie123 · 14/08/2021 12:29

I think some people are missing the point in the thread and becoming defensive for no reason.

I've already said my very un-mumsy mum is a brilliant woman and I felt very loved and still do.

That doesn't change the fact I'd rather have had her pick me up from school than being at a childminders every day.

I don't understand why people are upset by other people's experiences and opinions.

It's fine to be 'un-mumsy' and work full time, have friends, hobbies, date, party etc. No one has said it isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toffeepie123 · 14/08/2021 12:30

Thank you

OP posts:

NotableTree · 14/08/2021 12:42

@Toffeepie123

I think some people are missing the point in the thread and becoming defensive for no reason.

I've already said my very un-mumsy mum is a brilliant woman and I felt very loved and still do.

That doesn't change the fact I'd rather have had her pick me up from school than being at a childminders every day.

I don't understand why people are upset by other people's experiences and opinions.

It's fine to be 'un-mumsy' and work full time, have friends, hobbies, date, party etc. No one has said it isn't.

But in the nicest possible way, isn’t what you wanted as a child completely irrelevant, OP? Children want all kinds of things by their very nature without any thought for whether these things would be good or bad for them, or the impact they have on the lives of the other people involved — kids want to play computer games 20 hours a day, not to eat vegetables, not to go school or take a shower or do homework, to live on Haribo and Nutella waffles.

When DS was in reception at a Midlands village school, there were only three working mothers out of the whole class of 27 children, so he absorbed the idea that me not picking him up some days was very unusual and strange, despite adoring his childminder. Now aged 9 in a different country there isn’t a single SAHP of either sex of any of the 28 children in his class. Children derive their idea of ‘normal’ from what’s around them.

FarDownTheRiver · 14/08/2021 12:43

@Toffeepie123

I think some people are missing the point in the thread and becoming defensive for no reason.

I've already said my very un-mumsy mum is a brilliant woman and I felt very loved and still do.

That doesn't change the fact I'd rather have had her pick me up from school than being at a childminders every day.

I don't understand why people are upset by other people's experiences and opinions.

It's fine to be 'un-mumsy' and work full time, have friends, hobbies, date, party etc. No one has said it isn't.

But why would it be "un-mumsy" to work or have friends/hobbies? Is it "un-dadsy" too?

MondeoFan · 14/08/2021 12:50

My mum wasn't a Mumsy mum but not like yours either. She was a SAHM that didn't drive but didn't bake with us either, fancy dress was homemade. Our house was immaculate and nicely decorated. She got into dried/fake flower arranging so most of her efforts went into that. She never read us a story, took us for a picnic and wouldn't let us in the kitchen. As a result I was 16 and unable to make my own food or pour a drink. It wasn't allowed.
I'm a mumsy mum I think/hope. Everything for my 2 DC.

AlexaShutUp · 14/08/2021 13:02

But why would it be "un-mumsy" to work or have friends/hobbies? Is it "un-dadsy" too?

Exactly. Many of us are objecting to the idea that, in order to be "mumsy" or appropriately maternal, you need to sacrifice your career, hobbies, interests, friends etc, and have your entire life revolve around your children. I actually think I am naturally very maternal, but I have my own life alongside that. It doesn't have to be an either/or choice.

AlexaShutUp · 14/08/2021 13:03

And I would also add that having my own life makes me a much better mother in my view...I don't want to model a life of domestic servitude for my dd!

MrsBobDylan · 14/08/2021 15:29

I have no idea what my Mum was except an absolute bitch.

I would have gladly accepted anyone - male, female, animal - as a parent over her.

I think if your Mum is nice, respectful and interested in you, then anything else is a luxury.

PlanetTeaTime · 14/08/2021 16:00

@LordOfTheThings

My mum was a mumsy mum. I used to love going home from school and my sister and I would open the front door and you could see all the way down the hall to the kitchen. I have the most lovely memories of seeing my mum in there with the dog and her shouting out 'come and get some toast and butter girls' every afternoon when we got home. She worked every morning

That is so lovely

MintyGreenDream · 14/08/2021 16:22

My mum was a mumsy mum although she worked as a teacher full-time.
I'm not a mumsy mum although I work part time in a school so I'm with ds a lot.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 14/08/2021 16:30

My MIL once commented when SIL and I both had young babies that 'SIL is such a natural mother' with the clear implication that I was not. I guess I was unnatural or artificial or something. I expect she meant something like 'mumsy' in this thread.

MissCruellaDeVil · 14/08/2021 16:36

My mum was "mumsy" and drove a huge SUV to fit us in, took part in the PTA, fundraisers and bake sales etc, because she's always been a charitable person. You don't change that much when you have DC, so you will be how you are now, but with a baby in tow. However, I must admit I am becoming a bit "mumsy" myself, having given up the sporty convertible to a 4x4 Range Rover, attending school events and taking the time off work, and dropping my hours to avoid DC going to nanny's as much. It's your choice.

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