Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

[Toffeepie123]

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

Oh these replies are so lovely. I am living vicariously through you all!!

Yes I do think it's unfortunate that the 'mumsy' prototype and 'career' woman trope (hate the term career woman) seems to be at odds with eachother. Men do not have these same pressures. Although hopefully that will slowly change over time and care can become equally shared.

To the posters who believe may mother is a bad parent. I would certainly disagree there despite me wishing I'd had a mumsy mum when little. She was and still is, very loving and kind.

She was at university whilst also working when we were little as she had us young. So she didn't really have the time to be baking, sewing and making costumes. She was also very artsy, disorganised and free spirited as a person (still is).

To be honest I dont think she could've settled into being 'mumsy' even if she had the opportunity to be. Its just not her.

On the other hand her open minded non-mumsy ways came in handy in our older years.
She passed on a lot of first hand knowledge and wisdom regarding men, work, education, drugs, sex and feminism. I still go to her for advice on very personal issues with no fear of judgement. So not all bad I suppose.

My mom was a mumsy mum for my older 3 siblings ( I'm 18 year younger than my mums oldest child) but once she got round to having me and my brother she was in her 40s and couldnt be arsed and seemed more interested in finding a companion for her retirement which meant that between the ages of 3 and 16 I'd met 8 different boyfriends, some long term, some short term and one that she tried to move in after only meeting him a week earlier.

We didnt go without food, were warm and clothed but we really needed attention! She used to retreat to her bedroom with her boyfriend every weekend afternoon for a 'nap' and would go and watch TV in her room with boyfriend from about 6.30 in the evening every day. She never took us on days out and tbh seemed like we were just an invoneince.

Dont get me wrong, she loved us but just couldnt be arsed for parenting. Shame really as we didnt ask for her to have an extra two kids in her 40s which she then realised that didnt have the energy for!

My mum wasn't mumsy. She was a full-time teacher, while most of my friends' mums were SAHM or had part-time jobs on checkouts or similar. She was also noticeably older than the other mums. We would bake cakes and things and compared to most in those days she was an innovative cook.

I can't remember really how I felt about it at the time, but now I'm very glad that she was who she was, and I wouldn't have wanted a mum whose life revolved around her children.

I had a SAHM who gave up a military career to bear and look after us after she was married to my dad (military). She baked, always had a homecooked meal, had her cheer us on sportsdays and take us on trips / holidays / treats.

But... only years later did i realise how much she resented this (she told me) and felt like she had missed out on so much personally that she had spent her twenties building up.

I didnt have children until very late and travelled and have a career (bit like my mum). I now work 4 days a week - juggling childcare with a 'dadsy dad' around his shifts. I have mum days and me days. I think it is a new generation now and very different, we don't have to choose. I am me, but now a mum.... sometimes sacrifices, but i want to bring my son up to not see a 'mum' as someone who has to be there, dad can be there too sometimes!

Mine was mumsy to the nth degree. She taught me to bake, took me out in the holidays to national trust places, cinema etc. She'd treat me to tea and cake at a cafe every Friday after school. She bought good presents, allowed sleepovers and impromptu play dates. She'd colour, do jigsaws, do puzzles. If I was ill she'd sleep on the floor next to my bed, if I was happy she'd jump around with me. She always joined in with school events, made fancy dress costumes etc. I never went hungry, I always felt loved and she was firm but fair. My Dad was great too.

It changed a bit when I was around 17. She got very toxic and tried to prevent me from growing up and having freedom. We don't talk now and she's told her friends and some family that I'm dead. Soooo mumsy mums aren't always the best type!

@pollylocketpickedapocket She was still doing that when I was in my 40s when I went round. 🤣

I wanted a mumsy mum. My friends with mumsy mums wanted my 'cool' mum.

That same 'cool' mum is now driving me insane. She's now semi paralysed after a stroke, and spends her days drinking whisky and chain smoking, and might well get thrown out of her extra care facility for bad behaviour.

When I try to unload about the problems she causes me and my brother, my friends cheer and say how great she is and how they want to be her when they're in their 80s.

I got my mumsy mum when I married. My MIL was the perfect mum in law and doting grandma. I lapped up every minute with her. Still do even though she doesn't know who I am any more.

@Antinerak

Mine was mumsy to the nth degree. She taught me to bake, took me out in the holidays to national trust places, cinema etc. She'd treat me to tea and cake at a cafe every Friday after school. She bought good presents, allowed sleepovers and impromptu play dates. She'd colour, do jigsaws, do puzzles. If I was ill she'd sleep on the floor next to my bed, if I was happy she'd jump around with me. She always joined in with school events, made fancy dress costumes etc. I never went hungry, I always felt loved and she was firm but fair. My Dad was great too.

It changed a bit when I was around 17. She got very toxic and tried to prevent me from growing up and having freedom. We don't talk now and she's told her friends and some family that I'm dead. Soooo mumsy mums aren't always the best type!

Omg.. I was reading your thread thinking how lovely...what a terrible twist

My mum was a SAHM and a fantastic cook, but it seens inaccurate to call her mumsy. She was fierce. Having a mother who was widely loved, a great parent and a community leader, was obviously great. One downside was that we all got a bit lazy relying on her for everything. A weird thing I've noticed is that because I look a bit like her, people turn up hoping that I'll be a kind of replacement who will be wise, kind, funny, and take care of them. But no. Then they get disappointed and wander off, sometimes in tears because I remind them of her. I don't really like being a focus of everyone's grief and it makes me feel sad and inadequate, although it's a ridiculous assumption. I'm my own person and I can't help what I look like.

@Toffeepie123 I think it's her upbringing and her nature. She's naturally kind. When she was 11 her father had a catastrophic stroke and she basically raised her 5 and 2 yr old siblings after that. I think it made her more serious than she otherwise might have been. Both my parents are kind and honest people. Both my grandfather's were church ministers so they both grew up in a pretty honest and generous of spirit ethos. I've never seen my parents argue or be disrespectful of each other. I guess that makes being a mum easier, if your DH treats you with respect and backs you up. But she's still the best mum.

Interesting that many perhaps subconsiously here assume that a 'mother' should have or want a 'man' or that even said 'man' is available.

I've been a single mother-father for around ten years now. So I guess I've got 'mumsy' elements but also others.

Surely the issue is that a parent (any parent) should be supported to spend quality time with their kids which they deserve, but/and also can earn a decent living. Not an either/or scenario.

My mum was in no way a mumsy mum. I had a pretty miserable childhood and so I have made sure that I am a mumsy mum. I make the effort to play, talk, bake, listen to my child as much as humanly possible. I want ds to have lovely memories of all the time we spent together.

My mum worked full time.

She was, and remains kind and generous with her love, time and affection.

Something that's she's passed on to her GS.

I'm glad she worked. It was a good template for me in independence.

Did it impact her "mumsyness" yes, in the sense I went to childminders and sometimes she was stressed with work (through trying to hide it).

But thats "real life" and it's ok, perhaps even preferable not to bubble wrap your children.

I wouldn't swap my experience of her mothering for anything.

I think there is a lot of unconscious sexism behind your thinking. It’s a lot more balanced for both parents to take an active role, and not for mothers to have to give up their personal lives to be ‘mummy slaves’ to their children. I realise many mums love to be there for their kids all the time, and for their careers to take a back seat, but what bothers me about your post is that you judged your mother for not doing the same. That’s not your fault, these expectations are baked into society, but we need more unmumsy mums to lead the way and shift society’s expectations, and for more dads to play their part. (From a mum who works full time in a demanding job and worries that her daughters may judge this one day)

My mum never worked, taught us to bake, house work etc etc. She lived her life through us, was judgemental, controlling, read my private diaries,. But yes she was a mumsy mum, attended pta, picked us up from school all those things, but it was suffocating. She loved us, absolutely no doubt of that, but she hated her life and took it out on me in particular. Screaming, shouting, beatings though name it.

I have raised my son very differently. I'm a very firm believer that a happy mum, means a happy family. I worked part time, went to as many of the things that were important to my son as I possibly could, taught him to bake, clean all the normal things you do with children, but kept him safe and gave him freedom to grow. It's not been easy, I only had the example of what not to do.

My mum was quite mumsy in that we baked etc but she was useless when I hit puberty/adolescence. Literally not a clue.

I never once remember feeling scared or humiliated or confused or unloved If I ever become a mum this is the mum I want to be.

I immediately thought not at all but I recognised some things, so somewhere between the two. My mum was quite practical but is very intellectual, so we'd faithfully get a lift to and from school, but dinner could be anytime and probably overcooked.

I'd have loved a mumsy mum , I think I would have thrived from from attention and love. my mother was a cold , narcissist with a drink problem, there is a picture of me and her on the day I was baptised at 6 weeks old and it looks like she was sat next to a bomb and it was the same my whole life. I'm due my first baby this year and I may not quite make mumsy but I do hope that I will show my baby far more love and attention than I was shown.

I was a young mum (DS was born when I had just turned 21) and we didn't have the financial security for me to stay home with him (I would have likely hated to anyway) as we had just bought a house and then DH was made redundant. He got another job fairly quickly but I had returned to work in the interim. There was always a lot of love, fun and affection, home cooked meals every night (both DH and me cooked), baking, all his baby foods were home made and pureed, but I have always worked full time. I am not hugely maternal, but DS is my priority and since DH died, we have become really close friends. He's in his 20s now and has very fond memories of his childhood, but they feature DH equally as much as me, because DH did all nursery and school pick ups, was there in the afternoons until I came home from work, and took him on days out in the school holidays when I had to go away for work. We were fortunate that his shift times allowed for this.

It’s a lot more balanced for both parents to take an active role, and not for mothers to have to give up their personal lives to be ‘mummy slaves’ to their children.

@NotFrozen in my case, both my parents did take an active role. The OP asks about mothers in this thread I didn't mention my dad because that wasn't the OP's questiin. My mum was a 'mumsy' mum but that doesn't mean that she was either a slave to us, or that my dad wasn't involved equally because he very much was. Nor did she give up her personal life; she may have been a 'mumsy' mum but that wasn't all that she was.

My mum wasn't a mumsy mum - she was a teacher who worked part time through my whole childhood. Honestly, our relationship was pretty good until she retired early when I was 14 and I became her "project" since she didn't have anything else to do with her time. She got really, really controlling and it was awful. I liked her better when she was working, she was so much more fulfilled.

Anyway, I'm not a mumsy mum. I don't fucking bake and I work full time. I adore toddler DS though and make sure that when I'm with him, I'm with him 100%.

Also, I'll throw money at the problem
And buy the World Book Day costume . It'll be the fanciest one my bank account can stretch to.

You're going to be you, but with a baby.

@HugeBowlofChips

You're going to be you, but with a baby.

This is spot on. I didn't have a personality transplant when I had DS, I'm still me, but with a small, feral sidekick

My mum was a working mum, ran a successful business and worked long hours. Not a mumsy mum but a great person and role model in her own way.

I had both, my mum worked full time, as did my dad & we had a nanny. We still did things with both my parents like baking, holidays, homemade costumes etc. I did a dad’s and daughters program for years and my dad took me skiing most weekends. Both parents had full careers, mum was a newspaper/magazine editor. DH’s family was the same except both parents had more stressful jobs and they all went to boarding schools. I always had at least one parent at all my school stuff like sports games, plays etc.

It makes me very frustrated to read about folks still wanting this burden of a perfect childhood to fall completely on the mum. My dad & DH’s dad were just as much a part of being there for us as the mum’s were.

I also work full time as DH does, but we’ve been fortunate to be in relatively high paying jobs with incredibly flexible employers that also are not stressful and both work from home and have allowed us to also have an excellent nanny. I’m never going to be caught dead owning a mini van or “mumsy” clothes. I go into the backcountry to ski & sea kayak (live by mountains & ocean) go away with my friends, have loud dinner parties (pre COVID) but also we have family dinner together virtually every night, I take DD swimming during the week, etc. I sew a lot of her clothes and I quilt. My nanny told me I was trying to have it all… but right now I feel pretty good.