Did you have a 'mumsy mum', if so, what was it like?!

[Toffeepie123]

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and just musing over mums in general really.

My mum was anything BUT a 'mumsy' mum. She drove sports cars that were unpractical, smoked dope on occasion and was a free spirited hippy in many ways. Very disorganised and if she did pick up from school (not often) she would rock up in her leather jacket and red lipstick in her low down sports car.
She also worked full time so we usually went to childminders.

I absolutely hated this and would envy my friends with mumsy mums sooo bad!!
Many of my friends mums worked part time or not at all to fit around the kids. They'd bake with them, help out school PTA and go all out on fancy dress days!! They'd have packed lunches with their favourite things in such as frubes, babybels, homemade brownies etc.

My mum on the other hand would forget and scrabble around last minute to find an outfit so they were always crap! Packed lunch would be a sandwich with whatever was in the cupboard. Adequate but not really thought out compared. I'd have loved to have had a baking afternoon with her or had her take part in the school activities with the other mums.

Looking back my mum was a young mum and very much her own person and I appreciate that now, however I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

It was very clear that as much as we were loved, my mum also had a life outside of the family too. Whereas my friends mums were very much child focused. Their social circle was other mums and they'd make all choices around small kids such as choice of car. My mum would never dare be seen in a people carrier!!

As an adult my mum is a better parent as her free thinking and non judgemental attitude is fab to be around. But even now, she would rather be at a festival getting pissed than at a garden centre having lunch like my friends mums, despite being being a grandmother of several kids. She also still smokes pot.

I can laugh now but it really did bother me when younger!!

So I am intrigued to know.

Did you have a mumsy mum? What was it like?

I imagine it to have been very comforting and must have made you feel very secure.

If you are a mum, are you 'mumsy'? Does it come natural or is it an effort to be that way?

I am currently looking for a family car and can't bring myself to buy a people carrier so I am sympathising for the first time with my mother's dilemma..

My mum was not mumsy but more through the fact she wouldn't have had the time or mental capacity to be even if she wanted to. She was a single mum, worked long hours, she would have thought we'd taken leave of our senses if we'd suggested baking. Apart from anything else we wouldn't have had the money to buy ingredients. She didn't really know what we were up to in school.

But...the one thing she did, without fail and consistently throughout our childhoods and still today, is to ensure we believed in ourselves, that we were confident in our abilities and that we would never settle for anything less than what we deserved. It's the greatest gift she gave us and pushed us hard to the top of our chosen careers.

She is now an incredibly mumsy grandmother and she's amazing.

@ElspethFlashman

Yeah, mine was a SAHM, lots of baking.

It means I'm quite a good baker.

I used to spend a lot of time with her. Just watching TV. She was always around. We talked a lot. We became good pals. We remained close until she passed away.

She had time, and she had sympathy, and she had hugs. All I ever wanted in a Mum.

And yes, I model my parenting on her, 100%.

This made me feel really sad, I'm sorry your mum isn't around anymore This is what I aspire to be like as a mother though. Thank you

I still think I'd have preferred a mum 'dedicated' fully to her kids as opposed to making their kids fit into their lives.

Really?

I really wanted a mumsy mum too OP.

Sometimes I stayed at friends houses overnight and their mothers made breakfast! Actually set the table for breakfast and the family ate breakfast together and the mum made the toast or boiled eggs. In my house breakfast was DIY and not eaten as a family.

I think people are conflating mumsy and sahm, because 'mumsy' in this thread implies being able to invest a lot of time into your children, which is something I've never been able to do as a wohm. But then equally, if I do have time, I still do things for me and don't feel too guilty about not seeing the kids. But then, maybe I'm like that because I'm not very maternal and don't feel that my life should fit round my kids. Having said that, mine are now upper primary and quite independent, so I'm probably forgetting the early years.

My mum ,was a nightmare ,microwave meals she cooked at lunch for us to warm up after school ,99% oven chips and fish fingers ..utterly yuk.
We were latch key kids from age 9 ,caught 2 buses home by myself ,encountered many wankers ( sadly literally) on the way home ,mid 80s. School holidays spent alone at home .
There was literally no relationship with her ,so my 20 s and 30 s ,when I had young children ,she barely met them ..my youngest is 11 ,she’s met him 5 times ..she wasn’t bothered about visiting,and was always busy when I said I’d visit her …so it just fizzled out ..
I’m a SAHM ,so I wasn’t going to make her mistakes,and I have a wonderful relationship with my children- adults now ,the older ones

Fwiw this thread is giving me the rage.

Wtf 'mumsy mum'? Baking is a categorisation? Can't bear to read any more.
I hope for so much more for my own daughters.

I have a mumsy Mum. She always put us first and tried her best for us. Home life wasn't perfect and I often wonder how my dear mum managed to cope. If I was put in her position today, I would just want to crumble!

She wasn't the best cook (she would be first to admit) but she tried. We always had something to eat.

We baked, we played, we laughed. She would stay up late just to finish fancy dress costumes. She always put us first.

All my fondest memories are of my mum.

I think I am a mumsy mum. I work part time and everything I do is based around my dc. I actually enjoy doing all the little things like baking and crafting and even preparing lunch box fillings. If I have to miss a sports day it upsets me.

I hope my dc think back to their childhoods with fond, mumsy memories.

@New2ctc

Fwiw this thread is giving me the rage.

Wtf 'mumsy mum'? Baking is a categorisation? Can't bear to read any more.
I hope for so much more for my own daughters.

Waiting for the dadsy dad thread.

My mum was a SAHM, although most mums we knew were then so she wouldn't have called herself one. She did go back to work pt when I started secondary school, but I suspect she wasn't that happy about it tbh. It was a fairly nice, creative type job that she was trained for and skilled in though - she didn't work in an office or a supermarket - but my dad (then and now) is terribly old fashioned and takes a sort of pride in refusing to do any housework or cooking or anything (except full English when camping or bbq where he literally grills, mum has to sort plates, sides, condiments, drinks, etc). I'm not sure he would have changed nappies when we were babies. Weirdly I think he would think of my mum as 'mumsy'and nurturing. I remember her complaining that he wanted her to wear floral dresses. She's more oversized snoopy sweatshirt, jeans and converse. She used to love baseball boots. She had this one Donald duck sweatshirt for about 30 years. I remember her wearing zany glasses and a tight perm (80s obvs).
She would (then and now) hate to be called mumsy!

Most meals were Bernard Matthews/Alphabite based or cooked in microwave. We might have baked the occasional cake but she wasn't that bothered. She hates messy craft. She's more inclined than I am to park the kids (her grandchildren, I mean) in front of the telly.
I never ever considered whether she focused on us enough or judged her parenting at all. Is that unusual? I do remember thinking I didn't want to be stuck in the house doing boring housework when I grew up!

@New2ctc

Fwiw this thread is giving me the rage.

Wtf 'mumsy mum'? Baking is a categorisation? Can't bear to read any more.
I hope for so much more for my own daughters.

Why offend loads of peoples mothers on this thread? There is nothing wrong with mothers who are 'mumsy mums'.

If women who have those attributes offend you then don't read the thread. Simple.

It's interesting. I don't think it's as simple as categorising women as mumsy or not.

My children are older now 23 and 15. When they were little, I prioritised them. I've always had time for them. I baked a lot and they both have fond memories of me building lego. But I still retained my social life and gone out. They both know that, of they asked me to stay in and not go out on a particular night, I would do. We are really close and they both know they can talk to me about anything.

I'm a single parent and have been for most of their lives but they have EOW contact with their dad and, at those times, I have been myself and spent many a weekend pissed at a festival or out with my friends.

When the youngest got to about 12, I started to do more for myself and I play in a band which means I'm out gigging and have a band practice midweek but when I'm home I'm fully 'home'. I have one night out at the weekend when my eldest babysat the youngest. I've prioritised them over finding a new relationship and am only beginning to even consider it now.

Their friends are welcome, I cook from scratch when in can as I also work full time in a career that can be demanding at times.

I had a brief stint as a sahm and I found it soul-destroying.

The house is rarely tidy but always clean. Clothes are always clean but rarely ironed and I don't put them away for them.

They're happy, confident and proving to be successful people. My son moved out last year and he is doing well.

In contrast, my mum worked part time and focused on the house and the family. She didn't do anything for herself and my God did she resent us for it.

She was a 'better' mum than me in that she was always there, baked more often, the laundry/housework was always done and impeccable. But there was absolutely no love, warmth or empathy in my family home growing up.

Physically, she did everything but emotionally she was distant and, most of the time cruel. Iight not always be physically present but my children have had a far better childhood than me. They know they are loved and I'm a safe place for them.

Perhaps if my mother had done more for herself she'd have been happier.

I think I have the balance right.

I didn't stop being me just because I had children and it amazes me that there are women who only exist for their children.

My mum wasnt a mumsy mum but wasnt really wild either. She had me at 22 so was young and very fashionable. All my friends used to love her style and clothes when we were teenagers. She was slim and loved excersise and had a lot of friends she would go out with regularly. She was also very understanding about drinking underage, contraception and parties. It's odd because we had a pretty open relationship in terms of what we talked about but I always knew boundaries and didnt want to disappoint. Eg despite the fact I had boyfriend's from 16 and they were allowed round our house and my mum wanted me on the Pill at 16 to be safe, I didnt loose my virginity until almost 19 as I knew how I felt in myself. Although I was allowed to take a bit of wine to a party and stay over night, i never got really drunk and always knew i could call my mum if things felt uncomfortable and she would come get me without being angry.

She was mumsy in other ways though. She baked and cooked. She came to all our plays and made costumes and got involved with school stuff. She worked part time and helped out in my school classroom when we were younger.

My mother worked in a demanding profession; at Uni she was one of just two women on her course.

Due to the nature of the job she could work part time in our village so she was around quite a lot more than she could have been although I remember walking myself and letting myself in from school most days from the age of about 8 or 9.

Because her job was quite stressful I never felt as if she had a lot of time for us. She's quite an impatient person and I don't think she deals with other people's problems very well. She's used to telling people what to do but not really very good at listening to emotional issues. As a result I just sort of gave up ever trying to talk to her and I resented her for that. I still do; she probably thinks she knows me but really she doesn't at all.

She was (is) amazing in the kitchen - a true domestic goddess, for example at Christmas she would make everything from scratch - the marzipan, cranberry sauce, mincemeat, stuffing, Christmas cake and puddings, brandy butter... nothing ever shop bought (unlike me ) and this sounds all very cosy but it came at a price as her slightly martyr like attitude just made her all the more stressed.

She was cuddly and told me she loved me a lot however I would have done anything for a little more quality time one to one with her, where she would actually sit down and listen to me rather than get impatient.

I know I'll miss her terribly when she goes though, and I'll always be grateful for her even if she is a bit rude and bad tempered at times

I guess I should add that she worked in the medical profession therefore had a local job with pt hours. I've realised the first two paras kind of contradict one another!

I don't know what a mumsy mum is overly, but from your OP it seems that you are gutted she didn't revolve her life around you which is an unfair expectation imo, especially if comparing to other mums who were probably in different situations (ie able to not work and stay home due to a high earning partner). People can plan what they want to/think they'll be like all they want, but until you have your child you won't know.

I work full time because I love my job, we always do loads at weekends and evenings and when I'm off work- we bake, I'm always there for sports days etc, I've also been fortunate enough to financially set my children up for life through savings, which having grown up with the opposite for me is more worthwhile than being there every second just because. I also have my own friends and not all mum friends because for me it makes me a better mum to have time for myself and for people who love me rather than just x's mum.

When did making costumes and brownies for lunchboxes equate to being a good mum? New mums: it's completely fine to Amazon Prime costumes and pay for school dinners.

@DorotheaHomeAlone

I’d say my mum was, like most mums, somewhere between your two extremes. She was pretty young and cool - and still is at 65! She worked and was passionate about her work, had hobbies and grown up friends and outside interests. But she also prioritised picking us up throughout primary school, came to school events, spent a lot of time with us. Time together was a mix of baking and reading and activities but she was also often busy getting on with stuff. We got bored and played and used our imaginations and only bothered her if we really needed something. She home cooked meals and taught us to cook and supported our schooling. She listened to our problems but was never over invested in our lives or achievements as she had her own. I strive for that balance in my own life. Not there yet as kids are so small but I don’t ever want to be ‘just’ mum.

This is what I aspire to.

@NavigationCentral

OP - why are your prototypes at these two extremes? Also what role did your other parent have? Or what role should the other parent have? Why is the onus on the mum to be a certain way?

Which of your prototypes do I fit? Here goes - I’m a mum to a baby and a reception kid. I have a doctorate degree and deeply enjoy my career and profession. I also shower my kids in activities, attention and we have loads of fun. I am an excellent cook if I may say so and cook stuff from around the world. I explore geography and science and languages with my kids. They travel to my conferences and watch me do talks. My spouse shared parenting equally. We have an active life, a cuddly pet and a warm home. They celebrated my recent promotion with a pile of gifts to surprise me.

What sort of mum am I?

Good questions.

What would a ‘dadsy dad’ look like, OP? Puffing on a pipe, breadwinner, doing woodwork with the boys?

I think your paradigms are disturbingly essentialist, OP, in that your ideas of a ‘Mumsy mum’ (which I’d like to hear you define more precisely) seems to involve being economically dependent and largely or entirely subjugated to her children’s presumed wants, and to behave in a way you consider ‘age appropriate’ — you’re still aghast that yours prefers festivals to garden centres now she’s a granny.

All children are naturally fairly self-centred till they are taught otherwise, but you don’t seem to have grown out of it. What extra do you think would have been brought to your life if your mother had ‘participated in school activities like the other mums’ and laboured over making your packed lunch consist of your favourite things?

Did you know no other working mothers?

My own mother, like many poorer working-class women of her background and generation, had PT night/time jobs to supplement my father’s income through strikes and illness, but had no idea that parenting involved any more than providing food and clothes, as she’d only had that form of parenting herself. Neither of my parents had any sense of parenting as something that involved behaving in a certain way, making cakes, being child-centric, because they were entirely focused on making it to the next payday. And you know what? It was fine.

I didn’t have a mumsy mum. She worked full time in the 80s and I hated it, had to go to a childminder every day, I was immensely jealous of anyone who’s mum stayed at home and was there for them.

Whilst I wouldn’t exactly call myself mumsy, I’m pretty much the opposite to my own mother.
Our house growing up was like something out of a magazine, mines a cluttered house where we bake, paint, playdoh, craft
I work part time, self employed and am always available to pick up my dd, sports days, plays etc
I actually had this plan in mind long before I was even pregnant.

My mother worked and loved me deeply. We were happy. I'm sorry you weren't happy. I don't think baking is much to do with it.

My school friend had a very mumsey mum. I thought she was very frumpy and embarrassing and always hoped people wouldn’t think she was my mum if she picked us up from school (which she did if my gorgeous mum was working in her cool job!!).

@NavigationCentral

OP - why are your prototypes at these two extremes? Also what role did your other parent have? Or what role should the other parent have? Why is the onus on the mum to be a certain way?

Which of your prototypes do I fit? Here goes - I’m a mum to a baby and a reception kid. I have a doctorate degree and deeply enjoy my career and profession. I also shower my kids in activities, attention and we have loads of fun. I am an excellent cook if I may say so and cook stuff from around the world. I explore geography and science and languages with my kids. They travel to my conferences and watch me do talks. My spouse shared parenting equally. We have an active life, a cuddly pet and a warm home. They celebrated my recent promotion with a pile of gifts to surprise me.

What sort of mum am I?

You sound like you're being defensive. I don't think the OP is having a pop at you for not being totally child-centered. You seem like you've got a wonderful balance as many women on here do.

What I'm hearing is that the OP didn't feel really cared for. She's made it about bake sales and nice lunch boxes but it's about more than that.

I can relate OP

Let me start by saying, I fully love this thread. I have had my first baby recently (she is 6months) .

Also, you mum sounds cool af

My mum was NOT a mumsy mum. She was a single mum who went back to work when I was 6 weeks full time, she had sports cars too when I was a teenager, she worked full time and had a "career" she has then gone on to own her own businesses and is very successful.

She didn't bake, she more often than not was not at sports days or events, my outfits (if I had one) for school were always crap. I had school dinners, but I remember my friends mum doing a homemade style lunchables (you know with the crackers, cheese, ham?). I still remember feeling like she loved me less because everyone else's mum picked them up from school. I know this is irrational though.

We are VERY close, but I feel you when you say you'd have wanted someone to put their all in to it.

I am struggling with that now I've become a mum myself. You know what's crazy as well, but there is so much she can't help me with in terms of advice because she was working when I was a baby, she wasn't there for the day-to-day stuff.

I should also add that I have always admired her enormously and emulated her.

I think we all have our own definition of mumsy. For me it was simply that I wanted a mum who clearly enjoyed being a mum. Working outside the home or otherwise. Someone whose face lit up when her kids came through the door. Who prioritised their welfare and showed them love in a really tangible way.

My DM and my MIL both worked full time. One of them was a mum. One of them was a mother. I learned how to be a mum from my MIL.